Has anyone here went from being a "foreveralone" to completely changing your life & mindset?

  • sync088

    Posts: 3

    Mar 03, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    I'm 24 and totally feel like a loser, having only recently come out a few years ago I basically have never been on a date, EVER (so yes I'm a virgin, and no Ive never even kissed a guy, ever).

    I think why I didnt even try (even while closeted) was because I'm ugly, I feel ugly and guys (especially gay guys) seem to judge harshly on looks. I'd hang out in gay chat rooms mostly and I remember something a guy (also like me) told me a few years ago and I've never forgot it, he basically said "listen, ugly guys don't ever get with hot guys, unless they're rich or famous, and only then it's because of the money. If you want sex with a hot guy, you can have it, you're just going to have to pay for it...just don't expect a relationship, that's life and it aint pretty, and no one said it'd be fair"

    Now I dont think i have super high standards, I just want to date someone I'm attracted to, even a little bit. But I feel like looks are everything and it's hard for me to find someone who's been in my position and use it as motivation. I want to develop a mindset because people always say that confidence is attractive, it's just hard to notice.

    So was what that guy said right? Or has anyone here proven him wrong and gone from being a 'loser' (like I am) to living the life they always wanted? Please be honest, I'd rather just not waste my time... and thank you so much for your help.
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    Mar 03, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    You have serious self esteem issues. Until you can resolve them and learn to love yourself, nothing will ever meet your standards.

    You alone are the one who 'thinks' you're "ugly".. you alone are your worst critic.

    Work on your self esteem.. your prospective may change.
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    Mar 03, 2012 11:22 PM GMT
    What that guy said is BS, different guys find different things attractive, recently a guy I was seeing told me- So you really find me hot? I never thought of me that way- and he just couldn't believe I would find him hot, but I did because not everyone likes the same type of guys, so yeah, you won't be "foreveralone".
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    Mar 04, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    I know the feeling. Ive never been with a guy either because I have pretty low self esteem (and just realizing im gay). I always tell myself that Im ugly or a loser but I start remembering that these are my own problems and others dont always think like that.

    Long story short... im finally talking to an older guy and its really great. Ive also found more confidence in mysdlf and even though I bum myself out sometime I remember that I cant change who I am and if people dont like that its not my problem at all.

    Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

    P.S. sorry for the bad grammar Im posting from my phone.
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    Mar 04, 2012 1:04 AM GMT
    I'll just keep it simple. Yes.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 04, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    just put urself out there dude.
  • sync088

    Posts: 3

    Mar 06, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    thanks for the help guys, ill try my best
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 06, 2012 6:08 AM GMT
    A lot of this is mind set. You'd also be surprised what you can do if you make a challenge. As a quick example, I hate the taste of beer. There's only 2 ways that it'll pass my lips, and both of them are challenge based: drinking contest, and when asked to out of trust ("c'mon, just try it"). (well outside of life and death situations)

    You'd be surprised at some of the "hot guys" out there that'll take the challenge for being told that they are not a good kisser (or anything along those lines). Some would call this underhanded, and some would call this smart. In the end the choices are up to you. It's mostly to get your foot in the door, because personality trumps looks over time.
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    Mar 06, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    You'd be amazed... even some of the "hottest" people have wacked self-esteem issues. Try to think positively and live for what you would like yourself to be. Not what you've programmed yourself as previously.

    Be good to yourself and others will be as well... and - this site is FULL of great people that went from terrible self-images to great ones. "ugly" is a very subjective term and you'd be amazed at the variety of types that turn people on.
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    Mar 06, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    sync088, take heart.

    In answer to your topic question, YES. and now a song from YES that's all about this. For you, with lyrics:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    Own your ugliness. Nobody else in the world has the same ugliness as you. You should be proud that your ugliness outshines all other ugliness.

    You can thank me later. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:29 PM GMT
    Confidence is more important than anything. It may sound like bullshit, but a confident man projects power in a way that others find irresistible. His looks really do become secondary.

    I have friends who are, I'll be honest, pretty "meh" or even kinda ugly. But they routinely hook up with the hottest guys I've seen. Because they're confident that they can... they go for it and get it. Sure, they'll get shot down sometimes - I get shot down all the time too - but their tenacity gets them what they want.

    And that aside, no one is everyone's type. I'm not everyone's type. My best friends are dating a guys I have zero attraction for and I really don't get the appeal... but something intangible is making that connection between them. People respond to things beyond physical beauty, especially for something beyond a hookup.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    A) There's no accounting for taste.

    B) Some guys want to be the pretty one.

    C) There's no accounting for taste.
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    dude. i have the same thoughts too. everyone feels they are ugly at some point in their life. what i've found is that personality wins hearts and minds every time, even if the beautiful have easier access.

    i am always puzzled when other people think i'm hot/attractive. i just don't see it. but the guy i'm seeing says the same thing, "i don't know what you see in me." the important thing is to remember that other people often see you for different things which you yourself may not recognise or take for granted. in a way, that's better than always thinking that people just see you for a pretty face and nothing deeper. your friend was pretty harsh in saying what he did, and in some ways he is speaking his truth - there are people out there that think like that. but the good ones are more open minded, and thats who you want to appeal to.

    also, i will note that i was not seen as attractive until much later in life. i didn't get much attention in my 20s or even my early 30s! like leonardo dicaprio, i was a very late bloomer, i guess! ha!
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    Mar 10, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    Why do you think you're ugly?

    Can you:
    - Work out to get healthier and start those endorphins flowing?
    - Get outside more, de-stress, take better care of yourself in general so you feel better?
    - Eat better (the cells of the body regenerate every year, so if you start eating better, you will notice a difference in due time)
    - Go to a different hair salon and get a trendy haircut?
    - Change your wardrobe gradually to have a more trendy, fashionable look?
    - Find someone to talk to about your self-esteem issues? If you can't afford a therapist, talk to some ministers in your area. They're free icon_smile.gif
    - Join some local organizations (anything!) and make some friends who are supportive?
    - Work on improving your personal environment - your room, your home, your garden, your workplace, so you'll enjoy each of them more and feel more nourished?
    - Go to the library and read, read, read and find the books that can help you with what you're feeling. (That Wayne Dyer book isn't a bad place to start.)
    - Go on a date, which is usually just as simple as putting an ad up on CL or A4A, and striking up a good conversation with somebody who responds (Yes, you should be picky and careful, but the first step is putting yourself out there.)
    - Act more confident even if you're not?
    - Try one slightly different thing about who you're trying to hit on/ attract (go three years older, three years younger, or a different body type or ethnicity than usual) and see what happens?

    It's all in your hands... no one can take any of these steps for you.
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    Mar 10, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    IDK why you may think you are ugly, but here's a tip, it is really unlikely that you will ever get hit on, thats the nature of being gay unless you live in some city full of other gay guys. So dont use that as a measure of your attractiveness.

    Hell, I never ever ever have been hit on, but i can get any date i want if i ask nice icon_razz.gif

    Moral of the story, being flirted with / getting hit on happens a lot in the straight world, dont expect it to happen to you at the grocery store or gym unless you live in a huge city or are in a gay bar.
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    Mar 10, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    sync088 said

    Now I dont think i have super high standards, I just want to date someone I'm attracted to, even a little bit.


    Wait, so you're concerned that you can only date guys that are "uglier" than you, but you're upset that "hot" guys may not want to date you because you are "uglier" than them? Sorry, it seems kinda hypocritical on your part.
  • sync088

    Posts: 3

    Mar 10, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    bigDrunner said
    sync088 said

    Now I dont think i have super high standards, I just want to date someone I'm attracted to, even a little bit.


    Wait, so you're concerned that you can only date guys that are "uglier" than you, but you're upset that "hot" guys may not want to date you because you are "uglier" than them? Sorry, it seems kinda hypocritical on your part.

    I know, youre right.

    I'd like to just be with someone I love and find attractive, even if the world thinks he isn't, but maybe I have to date people I find unattractive to be with someone.

    I dont know, Im so lost, I'll figure it out I hope