"This is my gay friend....."

  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Jul 06, 2008 7:46 PM GMT
    I was introduced to a guy in my music scene, not a gay guy, but I am a promoter and dj and he's in the same extended circle. Just business/music/social scene acquaintance.


    I played a rave in Sacramento last night and I run into him and he introduces me to his girlfriend like this:

    "Natalie this is my gay friend Steve."


    I was kind of insulted, more for him, but this hasn't happened to me before....and I really didn't know how to handle it.

    The scene/vibe I promote, while drawing mainly (but def not ALL) a straight/bi crowd, oozes with sexuality but open to anyone. People blur lines everywhere, and from my standpoint no one has a gay prejudice (pretty much everyone knows I'm the one organizing these events and am an out 'mo...but a random would never know by meeting or working with me).

    Am I whack? Oversensitive? Should I call him out?

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 06, 2008 8:04 PM GMT
    atlnvmasc saidI was introduced to a guy in my music scene, not a gay guy, but I am a promoter and dj and he's in the same extended circle. Just business/music/social scene acquaintance.


    I played a rave in Sacramento last night and I run into him and he introduces me to his girlfriend like this:

    "Natalie this is my gay friend Steve."


    I was kind of insulted, more for him, but this hasn't happened to me before....and I really didn't know how to handle it.

    The scene/vibe I promote, while drawing mainly (but def not ALL) a straight/bi crowd, oozes with sexuality but open to anyone. People blur lines everywhere, and from my standpoint no one has a gay prejudice (pretty much everyone knows I'm the one organizing these events and am an out 'mo...but a random would never know by meeting or working with me).

    Am I whack? Oversensitive? Should I call him out?




    Have you thought that this guy maybe proud to have a gay friend, and that is why he referred to you as "my gay friend" icon_question.gif
  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Jul 06, 2008 8:35 PM GMT
    No, I didn't think that.....something to ponder
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    Jul 06, 2008 9:08 PM GMT
    It would annoy me.

    "And I have opposable thumbs too. Who knew!"

    There's a myriad of reasons why he may have introduced you the way he did, but it still would've ticked me off.
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    Jul 06, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    This used to happen to me and I used to find it amusing but also a little irritating. Like you become the token gay man in a group of straight people and then they think you are the spokesperson for all gay people, which you're not. Or else you're a badge of honour, look how right on I am, I even have gay people as friends.

    And then u learn to relax about it.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 06, 2008 10:35 PM GMT
    I would have smiled, shaked her hand and said "Someone had to fill the quota. Have you met his black friend yet?"
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    Jul 06, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    "Hi, Natalie, nice to meet you, you must be his straight acting friend. Are you really a Nathan?"
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jul 06, 2008 10:44 PM GMT
    I like the response about filling the quota. I've used the something similar when I've been referred to as the "token white male" before. (Trust me, in natural science classes at private schools in CA, white males are definitely the minority.) Most likely, nothing negative was meant by it, and it's possible that he merely felt you weren't obviously gay and felt he should let the girlfriend know--for all you know, she might be notorious for trying to fix guys up with her sister or whatnot. It might be worth mentioning to him later that you found it weird and would prefer he not introduce you like that in the future, but for now, it doesn't seem like much to get upset about.
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    Jul 06, 2008 10:47 PM GMT
    "Oh, I fill a niche! Nice to meet you, Natalie."
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 06, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    Caslon4000 said"Oh, I fill a niche! Nice to meet you, Natalie."


    I think Natalie might have figured out the sex part already.
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    Jul 06, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    I've had this happen to me a few times. I always say, "Well that's a fairly accurate description isn't it, pleased to meet you."

    I am gay, so it's not offensive. Once upon a time I wanted the chance for people to get to know me as a person before I was a gay person, but I think that was internalised homophobia. Nowadays: take me or leave me.
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    Jul 06, 2008 11:02 PM GMT
    It's up to you to decide if you want to think of it as insulting. I tend to believe he is a little insecure with other men around his Nat and wanted to let her know she can look and potentially lust all she wants but your gay. It makes him feel like he's in contol and totally bursts her bubble. I suppose to get even you could start introducing him as your gay friendly friend to everyone and if he gets irritated by it just act surprised and tell him you assumed by what he did that the PC thing to do was to label his ass in advance.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jul 06, 2008 11:24 PM GMT
    strangely enough, girls love gay guys at raves (maybe in general also, but especially at raves)... while it would still be a bit annoying/irritating to be introduced this way, i wouldn't be insulted.
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    Jul 06, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    That would make me insane(r).

    Hi Nathalie this is my black friend Terry.

    Yo Nat, this is Terry the Jew. Some of my best friends are Jews.

    Howdy Nathalie, this is Terry my Papist Cocksucker friend.

    See, that is just simple courtesy. It isn't done.

    Terry
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    Jul 06, 2008 11:43 PM GMT
    Sorry. Friend or not that's not a proper way to be introduced to someone you don't know. I'm out as well and if any of my friends ever pulled some stunt like that I'd be more then just insulted. From that introduction alone it sounds like he made you out to be some sort of a token.

    It's not his place to "out" you like that even if you are open with your sexuality and 50 million people know about it.

    A simple "Hi, Natalie. This is my friend, Steve." would've been just fine without the sex giveaway. In alot of ways it's just rude and disrespectful. I don't go around in the gay community with my straight friends saying stuff like "Hey, Marco. This is my straight friend, Vic."

    I don't think you are being oversenitive at all. I think you are concerned about how you introduced and you have ever tight to be. One now has to wonder what is being said when you aren't there and if he's putting your business out there with introductions like that.
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    Jul 06, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    Maybe he was trying to impress his Girlfriend about how open-minded and sensitive he was to have a Gay friend. Women are supposed to be impressed when straight men are caring and sensitive.
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    Jul 07, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    I have a different take on it, maybe because I live in the straight community 24/7. I think maybe he was afraid she'd recognize you're gay on her own, and if he made no comment on the fact that you're gay, she might suspect him of being gay too. In other words, he may have called you out in order to distance himself from you. Sort of insecure, isn't it?

    Obviously I wasn't there and don't know any of the players so this is only one possible explanation. But I've seen it before. And yeah, it's annoying.
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    Jul 07, 2008 1:30 AM GMT
    I think it's a strange thing to say and a really screwy way to introduce someone.
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    Jul 07, 2008 1:46 AM GMT
    Timberoo said[quote][cite]Caslon4000 said[/cite]"Oh, I fill a niche! Nice to meet you, Natalie."

    I think Natalie might have figured out the sex part already.


    OMG! ... icon_lol.gif ... OOPS!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2008 1:54 AM GMT
    Hmmm...

    Shot in the dark here guys...

    Maybe the friend has other friends named Steve/Steven/Stephen and as a way of differentiation from the rest of them, that was his way.

    I gotta say and maybe it's because I am in the northeast but I do not hear too many people saying oh this is my black friend or my white friend...I do hear "I am talking to Kiel...you know, the mixed guy..." pretty often though. It's one of the things that does not offend me for whatever reason mainly because it's being used to differentiate and use as a helpful reminder. Its much easier to remember Gay Steve vs Steven Brown or Stephen Brown.

    I would not take personal offense. Now if he called you the fa* friend Steven...I would be concerned. Or if he used you as a personal advocate for all things gay even when you dont know what the hell he is talking about, I would then question if he looks at me as a friend or as just a gay he knows well.

    But you are gay, you are Steve...leave it be. Until/If it ever becomes an issue.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 07, 2008 2:15 AM GMT
    Totally inappropriate any way you look at it

    Would you introduce ANYONE with a disclaimer?

    "Mrs Smith, I'd like you to meet my straight friend Jane"
    "Arney, here meet my Hispanic friend Juan"
    "Mom, this is my Black friend Bob"

    Ain't kosher any way you put it
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    Jul 07, 2008 2:26 AM GMT
    Tough to judge this one without knowing how this guy 'sees' the world. It's definitely a stupid method of introduction, but if he doesn't know any better? Perhaps his gf later said to him, Why did you that introduce that guy as your gay friend? That's stupid.
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    Jul 07, 2008 2:50 AM GMT
    riptjock saidI have a different take on it, maybe because I live in the straight community 24/7. I think maybe he was afraid she'd recognize you're gay on her own, and if he made no comment on the fact that you're gay, she might suspect him of being gay too.
    Yeah I have gotten impression like that before too
  • ROYCE13

    Posts: 315

    Jul 07, 2008 2:54 AM GMT
    Maybe he introduced you that way, because he maybe threatened by you, but no matter what anyone says it is not polite. I have been introduced in a gay crowd as
    bi, I just told the person, that I am neither homo, straight, gay, bi, curious, I am
    just "ROYCE" In the professional world, I am the only one who is introduced as
    Royce-(professional title). People do not do it to belittle or to be impolite, they
    do it because they think I am the most interesting one in the group. But it draws
    unneeded attention to me. So I have asked so many people in advance to just treat me like everybody else. But we all know, people do not want just a normal person,
    they have to create a persona for you for what ever reason. Address the situation, but do not loose any sleep over it, to many things more important.
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    Jul 07, 2008 3:00 AM GMT
    doesn't matter what the reason was, you shouldn't be used to prove something like how open-minded someone is for having gay friends or how sensitive someone is to impress someone. i'd confront him about it and let him know its not acceptable.