A close friend to you betrays you.

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    Mar 04, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    What would you do if a very, very close friend of yours betrayed you in some manner?

    Are you willing to forgive, or would you let them go just as easily as you let them into your life?
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    Mar 04, 2012 6:50 PM GMT
    It depends on the offense. If it was something fairly minor, yea i would forgive them after some time. If it is something horrible i.e. them sleeping with my boyfriend, then no...unforgivable and will cut them from my life ASAP.
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    Mar 04, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    Forgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.
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    Mar 04, 2012 6:53 PM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidForgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.
    That's what I find myself thinking. I have an excellent memory when it comes to things like this so it would be silly for me to say "yeah I forgot all about that!" In reality I'll probably never forget their past transgressions.
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    Mar 04, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    DudeInNOVA saidForgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.
    That's what I find myself thinking. I have an excellent memory when it comes to things like this so it would be silly for me to say "yeah I forgot all about that!" In reality I'll probably never forget their past transgressions.



    It's been observed that failure to remember history dooms one to repeat it. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 04, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Soulasphyxi said
    DudeInNOVA saidForgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.
    That's what I find myself thinking. I have an excellent memory when it comes to things like this so it would be silly for me to say "yeah I forgot all about that!" In reality I'll probably never forget their past transgressions.



    It's been observed that failure to remember history dooms one to repeat it. icon_wink.gif
    Which one of you said that?! WHO IS POSTING RIGHT NOW!

    MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN!
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    Mar 04, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidThat's what I find myself thinking. I have an excellent memory when it comes to things like this so it would be silly for me to say "yeah I forgot all about that!" In reality I'll probably never forget their past transgressions.


    That's part of the decision you have to make. If you're never going to be able to trust them again, then on some level, you're hold their betrayal against them forever. I've seen couples where one cheats on the other. They get back together, but the person who was betrayed never trusts the other person again. Little things become a source of friction. If the betrayer is late coming home from work, then the other guy flips out. He forgave, but he didn't forget.

    Trust is very hard to rebuild once it's been destroyed.
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    Mar 04, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    Only my family got into my life easily and my first real best bud, like on first sight, but he was made to order, and it is difficult for me to let people go. It is especially odd to me those who survived my obstacle entry course and then just took off years later which has happened about four or five times, generally by very skilled user scumbags.

    I'm not only good at forgiving but also at forgetting as well as can be, at least at forgetting, if not the incident, the hard feelings of it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to protect myself. I had a cousin who often treated me badly. Though I tried to discuss it with her, though twenty years ago she'd cry crocodile tears when realizing what she'd done, she'd act the same bad way over and over again throughout our many years together. I decided that I was the bigger person. That I could take her abuse, help her learn and that eventually she'd become a better person for it.

    Wrong. Because after decades of becoming progressively more disgusting, she finally did what anyone would think unforgiveable and instead of letting myself forgive and forget, and while I can forgive the person I love, I will never let myself forget what she did so that I will never give this a chance to happen again.

    Because it isn't even a trust thing. I can trust perfectly well that if I allowed our friendship to continue that she would eventually fuck me over again. But I finally had to put love in its place.

    It isn't that I can't forgive her. It isn't that I can't forget. It is that when I ask myself: would I want to befriend a person who did what she did to me? I don't have a yes for that.

    Sometimes life is tragic.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 04, 2012 7:35 PM GMT
    All depends on the circumstances and how the betrayal occurred and why.
    It could go either way. I'd say, try and react unemotionally and reason
    it carefully, trying to make sense of what was done.

    In the end, if it was justified in some manner, take that into consideration.
    If there wasn't any.... cut him out.
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    Mar 05, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    Too many variables icon_neutral.gif

    If it was no big deal, then I might be able to overlook it, but if they screwed me over something royal and I didn't beat the unbelievable shit out of them, then yeah they'd be cut out.
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    Mar 05, 2012 1:32 AM GMT
    its been done to me many times, and every time i forgive, meh.
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    Mar 05, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    meninlove said
    Soulasphyxi said
    DudeInNOVA saidForgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.
    That's what I find myself thinking. I have an excellent memory when it comes to things like this so it would be silly for me to say "yeah I forgot all about that!" In reality I'll probably never forget their past transgressions.



    It's been observed that failure to remember history dooms one to repeat it. icon_wink.gif
    Which one of you said that?! WHO IS POSTING RIGHT NOW!

    MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN!
    icon_surprised.gif



    It's Doug icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Mar 05, 2012 11:06 AM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidForgiveness and trust are two different things to me. I find it easier to forgive someone, but it's harder to trust them again if the betrayal was bad enough. You can forgive some but still part ways because you can't trust them anymore.





    Quite Correct icon_exclaim.gif
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    Mar 05, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    archon saidits been done to me many times, and every time i forgive, meh.

    That is why it keeps being done to you. By letting them get away with it, you are teaching them both: a) betrayal is no big deal, and b) you don't deserve better.



    Soulasphyxi, did s/he come clean or was it a shocking discovery? Or did it happen right in front of you? All factors to be considered.

    Considering I don't believe in trust in any case, there's not much for me to lose, but betrayal gives you an insight into his/her character, which I take into account in deciding if I want to know him/her anymore. I believe "There's a situation for every person in the world wherein he or she will betray you".

    I forgive for them, only if they apologize and would actually do it differently if given the chance. I forgive for me if they don't regret it but I don't want to bother with being angry anymore. Forgiveness isn't the same as going back to them though. Self-respect is more important than any friend to me.
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    Mar 05, 2012 1:37 PM GMT
    If your ace acknowledges the betrayal, doesn't try to defend or justify the action, apologizes for it without your insistence, and vows to rectify it, then you forgive it since he's so close. Anything short of that... stay away!
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    Mar 05, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    I'm amazed at the number of people I meet that have absolutely no integrity and will lie to themselves about anything, including their own emotions and then it causes problems in any kind of relationship because the behavior will still manifest itself.

    To me, a best friend type relationship is sacred. It is supposed to outlast your romantic relationships. If you really love your friend, forgive and forget because life is too short and true friends are rare and people will ALWAYS fuck up because they're human. So you have to expect that. Maybe I'm naive but... That's the way I feel.
  • ATXnative

    Posts: 240

    Mar 05, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Id proably just take my company somewhere else for a long time.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:39 PM GMT
    This has happened to me this weekend.
    It's the first time I've unfriended somebody on Facebook.

    I will forgive AND forget him.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:47 PM GMT
    Claystation saidToo many variables icon_neutral.gif



    Exactly. It's case-by-case. There's too many other things to consider, i.e., intent, was something discussed first then he/she violated, what is this person's track record, etc.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    Forgiveness and forgetting are two different things (that's why they're two different words!)

    Forgiveness is about acknowledging and accepting your friend's humanity and expressing it as a willingness to preserve your relationship instead of ending it. It's kinda like saying, "You screwed up but I still love you anyways."

    Forgiveness doesn't mean, "You screwed up and I'm going to _pretend_ it never happened." You _can_ forgive someone without forgetting what they've done.

    It all depends on how much you value your relationship with them and whether you actually DO want to keep them in your life, and even, if you think you still love them. Some betrayals can be pretty deep.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    i am a forgiver however i never forget. once deeply hurt i become more careful with the person and a few lines get drawn because i don't trust the person as much as before anymore. with time, that person can earn my trust again maybe, but if it is someone i really considered a good friend, i would like to have them still around, give them a second chance
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    Mar 05, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    bryanc_74 said
    It all depends on how much you value your relationship with them and whether you actually DO want to keep them in your life, and even, if you think you still love them. Some betrayals can be pretty deep.


    Yes, they can. And it can be such a sore spot that the relationship changes forever. I have had these kind of betrayals, and it went from best friends to acquaintances.

    Like "Hurt Again" by. Mary J. Blige

    "I promise myself to never to get hurt again."
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    Mar 05, 2012 11:31 PM GMT
    What, ultimately, was the harm caused by the transgression? What are the lasting effects of the transgression, if any?

    I think the two questions above frame part of what you need to consider.
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    Mar 05, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    NAMES

    GIVE ME HIS NAME

    RUE the day

    Rue it.
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    Mar 05, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    If he betrays you, then he isn't the friend you thought he was.

    If you don't forgive him, then you aren't that friend either.