How huge are looks to you?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 04, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    I was in a conversation with an acquaintance on an app for gay men on my phone. He said that he would never want to hang out with anyone that is out of shape whether it was friends or not, because he is in shape. When I asked what if you're in a college class, and you're failing. The only way to pass is to befriend the fat guy in the class to help you study. He said that he would rather fail than get help from a fat guy.

    I understand having standards for the men that you want as your bf or partner or fwb. But where do you draw the line? Do your gay friends have to fit the gay stereotype and be in shape too?

    The gay society wants acceptance, but we can't even fully except ourselves. What are your thoughts on this whole thing?


    To me, I see it like this, regardless of whether you're my friend or a fwb or bf, I want to see growth in you as a person in all aspects of your life. Complacency has no place in the lives of those that I want to be around.
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    Mar 04, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    look at your hotlist

    [/thread].
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    Mar 04, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    Just to make sure I got your story correct. You were trying to hook up with a guy from school and he dismissed you cause you're outta shape so he wants nothing to do with you?

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Mar 04, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    As far as dating someone there needs to be a mutual physical attraction, but as for friends I would never select them based on their looks. Again I am not a typical stereotypical gay man.

    I still think it is important for me to be the best version of myself I can be, but I do not hold others to a standard.

    You're aquintance sounds very immature, even for a young man. Hopefully he never suffers a physical or debilitating injury or illness. He wouldn't have the coping skills to survive.icon_idea.gif

    About 8 years ago I was going to a bar in NYC with a friend/acquaintance. He told me not to invite this other friend of mine. When I asked why not he said he's not like "us". I said "what??" He said my friend was out of shape, not very cute or handsome and couldn't dance. Me and the shallow guy are no longer friends. He still tries to communicate with me till this day, but I told him "we/us" are not at all alike. The other guy I have known for many years and he will be a friend for life-- I am sure of this.icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 05, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    beneful1 saidJust to make sure I got your story correct. You were trying to hook up with a guy from school and he dismissed you cause you're outta shape so he wants nothing to do with you?


    No I was talking to a guy just trying to be friend, and he dismissed me cause he says that in the "gay society" I am overweight. And because of that no other gay guy will want to be my friend or be seen with me.
  • wpc56

    Posts: 45

    Mar 05, 2012 8:15 AM GMT
    That's a harsh thing for him to say but young people tend to not have any tact.

    We live in "real" world so to speak and unfortunately "looks" do matter for hook up or relationship.

    Instead of asking the big old philosophical question of why don't we live in "should-land", ask what you can do to change the situation because you have control over your action and nothing else.

    So build on your self confidence and go out and enjoy life. There's a big bear population out there, there are people who are attracted to you as you are, but not your defeatist attitude...

    or you can google and find a good work out routine and start losing weight...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:08 PM GMT
    for me it depends. If it's strictly platonic friends I don't care about looks at all.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    xusmcpsu said
    beneful1 saidJust to make sure I got your story correct. You were trying to hook up with a guy from school and he dismissed you cause you're outta shape so he wants nothing to do with you?


    No I was talking to a guy just trying to be friend, and he dismissed me cause he says that in the "gay society" I am overweight. And because of that no other gay guy will want to be my friend or be seen with me.


    this potential friend you were querying was a moron and a douche. People like him are the kind of folk that go hang out on beautifulpeople.com, the ones that think that because they're so gorgeous and attractive it makes them somehow better or superior to others. They're like the pretty, popular girls in high school who wouldn't even acknowledge the existence of the average-looking girls. They just never grew out of it.

    I have had friends all over the looks spectrum. I have fat friends, skinny friends, friends with bad dyejobs and friends with awesome dyejobs. I have tall friends, ridiculously short friends, I have really gorgeous friends and I'm friends with the homeless guy with the lazy eye who hangs out on the corner of Carrollton and Earhart. Diversity is what life is all about.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    xusmcpsu saidHe said that he would rather fail than get help from a fat guy.


    In this case, he has already failed. Placing more importance on physical appearance than 'heart and mind', is not only a sad place to be, it is an empty and lonely place.

    While it's important to maintain a certain amount of self respect in terms of personal appearance with regard for others around you, it's more important how you treat others. Being fit doesn't make you smart, funny, or kind. It is simply that - being fit. Anyone that dismisses someone with such narrow focus is going to lead a shallow and unimportant life.
    While trying to surround himself with only fit people, dismissing all others, he will be with a sad lot, for those that are fit and also smart and compassionate will see through his narrow-minded perspective and avoid him.

    While I'm not defending an unfit lifestyle, I think that living your life with such narrow and self-limiting standards will deprive you of a truly enriched life. Fitness is important, and it serves you well as long as you realize that your fitness is your responsibility alone. If you want to advocate fitness, then be a good example. Dismissing people from your life because they don't meet a narrow and self serving standard is short sighted when you have the opportunity of providing a good example for them to follow.

    So far, I've not noticed any real correlation between fitness and intellect and compassion.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    bgcat57In this case, he has already failed. Placing more importance on physical appearance than 'heart and mind', is not only a sad place to be, it is an empty and lonely place.


    THIS !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    Your friend, he's either hilarious or a douchebag. Pick one.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    ChangeofName saidlook at your hotlist

    [/thread].


    Win/done.
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    Mar 05, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    Alright, a couple things. I know from experience that alot of guys have tried to get in my pants in the past that do not share the sacrifice and dedication that it takes to have a body of good caliber. I'm happy to be friends with guys like this but I'm certainly only looking for someone else to be in my life that shares these values with me. I've said it before and I'll say it again because I think it holds very true. Be what you're looking for. If you want someone muscular, athletic, attractive, outgoing, intelligent -pick your adjective- you should first be that yourself. Its like going out to try to buy a million dollar house with $20 bucks, you're just not there yet, but you can be, the only thing that stops you is yourself.

    david hall
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    I don't give two flying fucks what my friends look like. As for potential partners it's kinda tricky.

    I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say I find buff men attractive because I do but it's not a deal breaker if they don't look like a fucking underwear model because I know I sure as hell don't.

    What I can say is that if all anyone has to contribute is the size of their biceps or their low body fat percentage then they are good for one night, maybe two at the most and then I'm bored of their dumb ass. Conversation is important !.

    That's why I like hot geeks, best of both worlds and with more humility (usually).

    To the OP, that guy is not representative of the gay community, just a bad apple.
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:19 PM GMT
    DAVID_HALL saidBe what you're looking for. If you want someone muscular, athletic, attractive, outgoing, intelligent -pick your adjective- you should first be that yourself. Its like going out to try to buy a million dollar house with $20 bucks, you're just not there yet, but you can be, the only thing that stops you is yourself.

    david hall


    What if you don't want to be what you're into? Like if you like black guys and you're white, or if you like short guys but enjoy being taller? It only holds true for the ones who want to date guys just like themselves.

    I see what you mean about being annoyed by guys pretending they want to be friends, but really wanting more. That annoys me as someone who ACTUALLY wants nothing more than friends with anyone, and the fakers make me seem like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I've sent PMs to some guys here that were quite meaty in content, yet gotten no response or a very distant acknowledgement as if I had sent nude pics. Try to not assume.

    Looks aren't important to me in friends. Sure, if I could place a great personality in any body I wanted, I'd make it a gorgeous one just so I could stare at something beautiful while I talked. But a bad personality trait is more repulsive than an ugly face/body.

    I'd like to see a thread asking "Do you have any fat friends?". Meh maybe it's been done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    Looks are important because they're one indication - and there are several indications - of overall health and fitness. Among my friends, the ones that I like spending the most time with are not coincidentally also serious about fitness and health.

    There are exceptions, of course. I've dated guys who weren't into fitness, but I'm not going to be attracted to twinks. I have a type and there's some flexibility in that.

    The hypothetical about getting help from a fat guy as the only way to pass a class - you're watching too many movies. He probably answered you the way he did because it was kind of a ludicrous question, even though it was an asshole thing for him to say. But let's be honest here...the fat guy would be more than happy to help the hot guy, right? So who's fooling who?
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    ChangeofName saidlook at your hotlist

    [/thread].


    Dammmmmm!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    he sounds like a douchebag and not worth wasting your time on.

    hey have you ever seen the movie "Meangirls"? its kinda relevant because on some level it sounds like you also admire the thing which you hate. your Hotlist is full of ripped body builders and I wonder if you are also buying into the same stereotype that you are critisizing?

    its an easy trap for all of us to fall into, since we're sold the beauty machinery on a daily basis and sensitive to it. but for me, my gym buddies and i have something in common - we like being active, we like the way it makes us feel more energetic and healthy, we like the challenges that it presents, the dedication that it requires, and the personal relationship we have living within our bodies. of course, it has the added benefit of making my butt or chest look nice. i would be lying if i told you that all of that physical payback for the hard work didn't help me get new friends or dates or whatever.

    but that being said, i have friends from all walks of life, shapes, sizes, colours, and intelligence levels. if they are good people, then nothing is stopping me from hanging out with them and being friends, cuz it sucks being lonely. the things i can't tolerate are ignorance and selfishness. those people get cut out of my life very quickly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    Hotlist isn't relevant. It's the buddy list you should be looking at. If you read the OP, you'd know he was talking about looks of potential friends.
  • ATXnative

    Posts: 240

    Mar 05, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    I have some friends who arent generally attractive and they are great, but I do enjoyb eing around beautiful and confident people. No sense denying what i do haha. In a relationship, to me its extremely important that I be really physically attracted to the person, it makes it way more fun.
  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 05, 2012 10:13 PM GMT
    Personality is all I really care about for friendships.

    For potential relationships, there's so many factors that I don't think I can place an importance on any given one. Looks are important, but so is personality, intelligence, sexual preferences, age, etc. etc. I've tried so many times to think of "hard and fast" rules for what I'm looking for, and then I see guys who fit a lot of my qualities but I'm not interested in at ALL, and vice versa.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 05, 2012 10:14 PM GMT
    Haaretz said
    ChangeofName saidlook at your hotlist

    [/thread].


    Win/done.


    icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    Just in what you wrote, you've proven you're twice the man the other guy is. Yeah, a nice looking friend gives us a bit of an ego boost but honestly, what I've found is my average looking friends are always there to catch me when I fall. They're the ones by my side, in good and bad times.

    I'll take a big hearted friend any day over a hunk that looks at himself in the mirror every time he passes one.

    You're on the right track and you're here in a fitness website, keep thinking that way and you'll prove that not only you can have a big heart and be a nice guy but you can be just as good looking as anyone else!
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    Mar 06, 2012 8:08 PM GMT
    ChangeofName saidlook at your hotlist

    [/thread].


    My hotlist has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. My hotlist is just guys that I think look really good. I have never professed to know anyone on it at all. They could have really shitty personalities and to me personality is key to being a friend.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Actually it does have a lot to do with it.