Friend feels hurt after other friend comes out.

  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Mar 05, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Recently, my friend (let's call him B) came out to another of my friend (C) after about 6 years of friendship. C knows that I'm gay, and she's totally fine with it. But after finding out that B was gay too, she told me that she didn't feel happy about it only because she felt hurt and betrayed as a friend.

    She told me it was kind of insulting how B couldn't tell her after so long, and she felt like she was made like a fool being in the dark about it. So being gay too, and totally understanding the pressures of coming out, I tried to convince her that it really wasn't about her and how long B took to come out, but rather that he came out to her because she was a good friend of his. Plus, I live in Singapore, so coming out isn't exactly a socially accepting notion, so u can't blame someone for having that constant fear of rejection. C then snapped and said I was only siding B because I'm gay too and asked me to think of her feelings as a friend.

    Was I wrong to immediately defend B? I had a long conversation with C and I really don't know what to tell her anymore. Has any of you guys experienced this after coming out to a friend?
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    Mar 05, 2012 5:42 PM GMT
    C sounds like shes being a total C about all this.
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Mar 05, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    CrackleSizzle saidRecently, my friend (let's call him B) came out to another of my friend (C) after about 6 years of friendship. C knows that I'm gay, and she's totally fine with it. But after finding out that B was gay too, she told me that she didn't feel happy about it only because she felt hurt and betrayed as a friend.

    She told me it was kind of insulting how B couldn't tell her after so long, and she felt like she was made like a fool being in the dark about it. So being gay too, and totally understanding the pressures of coming out, I tried to convince her that it really wasn't about her and how long B took to come out, but rather that he came out to her because she was a good friend of his. Plus, I live in Singapore, so coming out isn't exactly a socially accepting notion, so u can't blame someone for having that constant fear of rejection. C then snapped and said I was only siding B because I'm gay too and asked me to think of her feelings as a friend.

    Was I wrong to immediately defend B? I had a long conversation with C and I really don't know what to tell her anymore. Has any of you guys experienced this after coming out to a friend?


    Sounds like "C" has had a crush on "B" for a while...and perhaps that's why it's so hard for her to accept that "B" is gay.

    As for if you were wrong...I'd say no. After all, you weren't siding with "B," you were explaining your perspective on what "B" did because you have perspective she doesn't, and understand the pressures he was under.

    Though I think you'll find that "C" is upset because she has wanted a more intimate connection with "B." You could ask her if that is what it is...and offer her sympathy if it is what it is.
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    Mar 05, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    Sounds like she had a crush and is now heartbroken
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    Mar 05, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    Oh my Gawd, Britney!

    You were thinking it

    Well you said it
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    Mar 05, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    Maybe she had feeling for him. But at the same time does she not have the right to feel hurt and betrayed. After so many want to make such a big bloody deal about coming out, as if their sexuality is the one thing that defines them as a person; yet they could not be open and truthful about something so important to them, to their friends for so long.

    But then I have never lived a life in the closet, thus my life has never been a lie, nor has one ever needed to come out; I just got one with living my own life.
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    Mar 05, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    ChangeofName saidSounds like she had a crush and is now heartbroken


    Maybe she feels like her heart has been stolen?
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    Mar 06, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    Here's another, but similar scenario...


    I hung out with a brother-in-law in my teens, and as I contemplated coming out to friends and family, I first told my sister-in-law (who's my real brothers ex, and aforementioned sister to the brother-in-law). Anyways, she told him first, and he got real mad, and completely ignored me from that point on. A couple years later, she (ex sister-in-law, though I don't really use ex as they have a kid together) said her brother missed me as a friend, and I told her it was his fault for ending our friendship. Then she said that he was just mad that I didn't have the "balls" to tell him to his face, was the reason...and I said to her, "Huh? I didn't even get a chance to tell him, you told him!". All that time, I thought he was a homophobe, when he was just angry that I didn't tell him first. And no, I didn't make up with him, as someone shouldn't be THAT mad over a friend coming out.



    Back to your problem, no, you were not wrong in defending (B), but it looks like (C) might need some time to get over her feelings.
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    Mar 06, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    She is a drama queen that doesn't want to be out of the spotlight..... time will heal her.....
  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Mar 06, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    Wow, you guys are geniuses. It has never occurred to me that it might be because she has a crush on him. I had actually asked her before if she might have any feelings for him, but she denied everything though. And she has a bf now, so she may have been lying?

    GAMRicanMaybe she feels like her heart has been stolen?


    Lol, I see what u did there... But I have no idea how u did it.

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    Mar 06, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    Sporty_g saidShe is a drama queen that doesn't want to be out of the spotlight..... time will heal her.....
    Oh the faghag she will now be! She rehearsed it well!
  • Ridiculance

    Posts: 40

    Mar 06, 2012 10:46 PM GMT
    Claystation saidC sounds like shes being a total C about all this.


    +1

    Haha! I lol'd
  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 06, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    C kind of sounds self centered. She needs to get over it.

    What kind of asshole thinks/says shit like that? Seriously.
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    Mar 06, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    Tell her she is a selfish cunt.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 06, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    "C" needs to get over it in a hurry. She isn't gay, she hasn't a clue about the process involved and had adopted a pretty immature attitude. She isn't "owed" or "due" any explanation from "B"... if she's hurt, throw her a cry towel.
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    Mar 06, 2012 10:55 PM GMT
    Claystation saidC sounds like shes being a total C about all this.


    Yup she totally is being a C, but probably because she feels like an outcast now.
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    Mar 06, 2012 10:57 PM GMT
    Claystation saidC sounds like shes being a total C about all this.


    HAha good one.


    This actually happened to me though. They get mad that you didn't tell them sooner. You just need to give her time and explain that it's not the easiest thing to say. They will get over it.
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    Mar 06, 2012 11:09 PM GMT
    What happened to A?? I re-read the OP like 5 times and I never saw what happened to him... or her... I'm so confused...

    icon_cool.gif
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    Mar 06, 2012 11:47 PM GMT
    C has got to learn that it's not about her, and that everyone has their own comfort zone about coming out. She should instead feel great that a friend has confided in her something that is obviously deeply personal, and she should not be comparing B to you.
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    Mar 06, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Claystation saidC sounds like shes being a total C about all this.


    I agree with the Clayminator. C is being self-centered in her feelings and reactions. She has no idea what it means to be a gay person.
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    Mar 07, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    she only attracts gays icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 07, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    who to tell maybe C thought he would maybe one day become her boyfriend...
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    Mar 07, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    Claystation saidC sounds like shes being a total C about all this.


    ahahahahaahahicon_wink.gif
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    Mar 07, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    Poor girl is a Hag Left Behind. In her mind at least. Give her some time and space. Let the new reality of it all settle and she'll be fine.
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    Mar 07, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    This is why I find women so trying and tiresome. This and all those "Real Housewives of ..." shows.