Dating Someone with BPD

  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Mar 06, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    So I have whined on here about my ex several times and although I have been doing a lot better and have been seeing someone I have much more in common with, today was a shit-storm of sadness and tears out of nowhere.

    For some reason though, I decided to take a look at a Borderline Personality Disorder forum and have come to the conclusion that my ex very likely has BPD. The things these people express is exactly how I feel and their relationships are strangely similar to mine; from the "i love you" and "i want to spend forever with you" in the very beginning, to the more love you give the more resentment they have.

    It's just mind-blowing for me right now; on one hand, I immediately felt better, and on the other....question everything that happened. I'm so deeply hurt from the whole experience and just feel like I survived the death of a loved one. And while I understand that my own deep-seeded issues compounded the complexity and fucked-upness of our relationship, I wish I could have seen his problems more clearly during our time together so I could have encouraged him to get help. We don't speak anymore, because it was too hard for me, and I know contacting him (especially with this being the subject matter) would just end poorly.

    Its just strangely validating, horrifying and at the same time demeaning to know that the transformation I saw him go through as a person, is something that will likely happen with every person he gets close to. I feel more mind-fucked than ever.

    I think the worst thing to hear though is that for people with BPD, "absence makes the heart grow colder." It explains why every time we were apart he started to pull away and distance himself after about a week; and why it seemed like the breakup was so easy for him.

    Knowing that everything I did, or could have done, wouldn't have made a difference is calming and yet, it fills me with such disappointment, a sense of failure and genuine anger. I sure do miss the sweet guy I met 19 months ago, but I could go the rest of my life without seeing the cold and heartless one that broke my heart.
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:42 AM GMT
    It's not your fault. it's not his fault. It's a medical condition.

    Mine had schizophrenia. I didn't know it until the first episode. Then, it was bad.

    I had to end it with a restraining order.
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    In all fairness to your partner, has he been diagnosed by a professional ? Or did you come up with that diagnosis?
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:50 AM GMT
    ChangeofName saidIn all fairness to your partner, has he been diagnosed by a professional ? Or did you come up with that diagnosis?


    Mine was diagnosed by the Psych Ward at Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu after he threatened suicide, then called the police. I showed the police the suicide threat text on my phone and they took him away. When he was released, he left his discharge papers laying around and it indicated Schizophrenia NOS and also the blood test came back with benzodiazepines and THC. Catatonia and psychosis were two of his symptoms.
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Mar 06, 2012 3:53 AM GMT
    This is entirely my "diagnosis"....Sure I am no psychologist, but after reading other people's stories....they were like identical road maps of our relationship. He and I had discussed the likelihood of his having some disorder, more often than not we branded it "depression." He admitted to having major emotional issues and we would try and talk through what was going on; but it generally ended with him crying, apologizing for being "crazy," and begging me to never give up on him. Still lost in that whole "am I giving up, or is this the right thing to do."
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    Mar 06, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    Could've been a drug induced psychosis from weed

    BPD is not easily diagnosed in men, and usually involves intensive observation by a competant psychiartrist/mental health professional. There's a lot of quacks that throw that diagnosis around way too frequently without empirical evidence / testing.

    There is no blood test for schizophrenia or bpd
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    Mar 06, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    this should clear up some questions regarding BPD

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    Mar 06, 2012 4:47 AM GMT
    BPD is an extremely destructive and difficult condition to live with.

    There are support groups for people who are involved with (by choice or by family) people with BPD.... you are certainly not alone. So it can be good to understand the details and nuances of BPD so that you dont somehow end up blaming yourself for someone exhibiting symptoms of a personality disorder.

    You referred to your own "deep seated issues" perhaps it would be good to talk to a therapist who can help you sort out what's you and what's your ex's stuff. Going over it all and getting a greater understanding of it may help you create your own personal narrative... helping to contextualize it all and sort of put it to rest.

    I wrote part of my dissertation on the self-destructive aspects of BPD. Let me know if you want to talk or what have you. Please feel free to PM me.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:06 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidIt's not your fault. it's not his fault. It's a medical condition.

    Mine had schizophrenia. I didn't know it until the first episode. Then, it was bad.

    I had to end it with a restraining order.


    Borderline Personality Disorder isn't a medical condition like depression or schizophrenia.

    Depression or other medical conditions may be underlying. Those can be treated with meds. BPD must be treated with psychoanalysis. Meds do not help BPD.

    In other words, don't give BPD a free pass by saying it's a disease. Most people with severe BPD aren't worth people's time. They need to grow up and learn to be responsible for their actions.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:11 AM GMT
    credo said
    GAMRican saidIt's not your fault. it's not his fault. It's a medical condition.

    Mine had schizophrenia. I didn't know it until the first episode. Then, it was bad.

    I had to end it with a restraining order.


    Borderline Personality Disorder isn't a medical condition like depression or schizophrenia.


    And as such, there's not much of a treatment. It's more just a category. This knowledge (if true) wouldn't have helped you change him.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    ChangeofName saidthis should clear up some questions regarding BPD



    Rather than clearing questions up, the video actually obscured the truth from its viewers. First, viewers should note that the speaker is neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist. He is merely a counselor. Is this mere snobbery on my part? No! Both psychologists and psychiatrists spend four years in graduate school, further years in supervised training (residency for psychiatrists and internship and externship for psychologists), and only then can they write their licensing exam.

    In contrast, just about any person can call themselves a therapist of one sort or another. However, lacking the necessary education and training, their services will not be paid for by health insurance.

    Why is this relevant? Because the speaker's view contradict those of the qualified mental health experts that are recognized by universities, hospitals, health insurance companies, and individual states. On what basis then does the speaker base his conclusions? His personal experience in providing "therapy" is set against the combined experience of all of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and academics who have defined BPD in peer-reviewed journals, textbooks, and the Bible of American Psychiatry, the DSM. Incidentally, his views are also at odds with those of Dr. Otto Kernberg, the pioneering psychiatrist who coined the term "Borderline Personality," wrote the first few books on the subject, and, indeed, has devoted his entire medical practice to the condition.

    In short, people who viewed the video should try and find more reputable sources of information about the condition.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    ChangeofName saidthis should clear up some questions regarding BPD



    Rather than clearing questions up, the video actually obscured the truth from its viewers. First, viewers should note that the speaker is neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist. He is merely a counselor. Is this mere snobbery on my part? No! Both psychologists and psychiatrists spend four years in graduate school, further years in supervised training (residency for psychiatrists and internship and externship for psychologists), and only then can they write their licensing exam.

    In contrast, just about any person can call themselves a therapist of one sort or another. However, lacking the necessary education and training, their services will not be paid for by health insurance.

    Why is this relevant? Because the speaker's view contradict those of the qualified mental health experts that are recognized by universities, hospitals, health insurance companies, and individual states. On what basis then does the speaker base his conclusions? His personal experience in providing "therapy" is set against the combined experience of all of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and academics who have defined BPD in peer-reviewed journals, textbooks, and the Bible of American Psychiatry, the DSM. Incidentally, his views are also at odds with those of Dr. Otto Kernberg, the pioneering psychiatrist who coined the term "Borderline Personality," wrote the first few books on the subject, and, indeed, has devoted his entire medical practice to the condition.

    In short, people who viewed the video should try and find more reputable sources of information about the condition.


    and what sort of credentials do you possess as a financial adviser over this man who was spent 31 years of his life studying the symptoms of this malignant personality disorder?
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    credo said
    GAMRican saidIt's not your fault. it's not his fault. It's a medical condition.

    Mine had schizophrenia. I didn't know it until the first episode. Then, it was bad.

    I had to end it with a restraining order.


    Borderline Personality Disorder isn't a medical condition like depression or schizophrenia.

    Depression or other medical conditions may be underlying. Those can be treated with meds. BPD must be treated with psychoanalysis. Meds do not help BPD.

    In other words, don't give BPD a free pass by saying it's a disease. Most people with severe BPD aren't worth people's time. They need to grow up and learn to be responsible for their actions.


    True, but it goes beyond this. My late mother and many other psychologists and psychiatrists refused to treat Borderlines because they were so hurtful, unpleasant, and enraging. When pressed as to what diagnosis they would give Hitler, a bunch of psychiatrists at my cocktail party all exclaimed, "Borderline!"
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:27 AM GMT
    psychiatry btw is not a real science, it's a variable pseudo-science. discounting his experiences and expertise is just as ignorant as discounting anyone elses.

    btw - thinking you're inlove with a cam porn star, and paying escorts to sleep with you could mean you yourself have borderline personality disorder. just so you know.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    ChangeofName saidpsychiatry btw is not a real science, it's a variable pseudo-science. discounting his experiences and expertise is just as ignorant as discounting anyone elses.


    Scientology?

    And you're right. L-Dopa didn't change a thing.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    ChangeofName saidpsychiatry btw is not a real science, it's a variable pseudo-science. discounting his experiences and expertise is just as ignorant as discounting anyone elses.


    He is just trying to clarify the distinction between accredited Medical Professionals and Therapists - a term that CAN be somewhat ambiguous.

    Since he seems to have some personal experience in the area - it is not unreasonable for him to offer the information.

    I am sure that ANYbody who has spent 30+ years doing ANYthing - accredited or otherwise - will have a wealth of useful knowledge, even if anecdotal.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    ChangeofName said
    swimguychicago said
    ChangeofName saidthis should clear up some questions regarding BPD



    Rather than clearing questions up, the video actually obscured the truth from its viewers. First, viewers should note that the speaker is neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist. He is merely a counselor. Is this mere snobbery on my part? No! Both psychologists and psychiatrists spend four years in graduate school, further years in supervised training (residency for psychiatrists and internship and externship for psychologists), and only then can they write their licensing exam.

    In contrast, just about any person can call themselves a therapist of one sort or another. However, lacking the necessary education and training, their services will not be paid for by health insurance.

    Why is this relevant? Because the speaker's view contradict those of the qualified mental health experts that are recognized by universities, hospitals, health insurance companies, and individual states. On what basis then does the speaker base his conclusions? His personal experience in providing "therapy" is set against the combined experience of all of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and academics who have defined BPD in peer-reviewed journals, textbooks, and the Bible of American Psychiatry, the DSM. Incidentally, his views are also at odds with those of Dr. Otto Kernberg, the pioneering psychiatrist who coined the term "Borderline Personality," wrote the first few books on the subject, and, indeed, has devoted his entire medical practice to the condition.

    In short, people who viewed the video should try and find more reputable sources of information about the condition.


    and what sort of credentials do you possess as a financial adviser over this man who was spent 31 years of his life studying the symptons of this malignant personality disorder?


    My knowledge of the credentialing process for psychiatrists and psychologists stems from the fact that my mother was the Chief Psychologist of a training institution at a hospital and my father is a double boarded physician. Further, most of my clients are physicians. Lastly, growing up I knew that the one group my mother, her colleagues, and her students categorically refused to deal with was Borderlines. On a personal note, my aunt is a borderline and I have seen how she behaves..
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    Cash said
    Since he seems to have some personal experience in the area - it is not unreasonable for him to offer the information.


    I thought he was a "financial adviser" that would flaunt his wealth on here everso tacky, patronizing anyone "below" him?

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    Mar 06, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    credo said
    GAMRican saidIt's not your fault. it's not his fault. It's a medical condition.

    Mine had schizophrenia. I didn't know it until the first episode. Then, it was bad.

    I had to end it with a restraining order.


    Borderline Personality Disorder isn't a medical condition like depression or schizophrenia.

    Depression or other medical conditions may be underlying. Those can be treated with meds. BPD must be treated with psychoanalysis. Meds do not help BPD.

    In other words, don't give BPD a free pass by saying it's a disease. Most people with severe BPD aren't worth people's time. They need to grow up and learn to be responsible for their actions.


    It may not be a "disease process" but it is categorized as a mental disorder.

    It's not as simple as "growing up." The etiology of BPD is extremely complicated. There are a TON of cases of depression that are not "biological" in nature.... that's why the rate of medication being effective in treating depression is so low. Your telling someone with BPD to "grow up" is the same as telling someone with depression to "get over it."

    People with BPD have object relational patterns that are extremely distrubed. It doesnt happen overnight, and it usually can be traced back to trauma and terrible parenting.

    Also, for severe cases of BPD mood stabilizers can be helpful to deal with the lability of mood, angry outbursts abd so on. Lamictal is a common treatment....
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    So you dated Darth Vader. (experts often say Vader had bpd.)

    The thing about psychiatric medicine (and as a former med student I can speak with SOME experience as we all get a rotation in it,) is you can go to 10 different shrinks and get 10 different diagnoses.

    I wish I knew what to tell you mate. I'm hopelessly still in love with a compulsive (or pathological, I forget the difference) liar because I still romantacize the good qualities in him and I have to remind myself of the bad. It doesn't help either that he was the first person I ever slept with, and it was the most AMAZING sex EVER imagined giving me orgasms that made me pop like warm champagne.

    Just stop romantacizing the good parts and remember the bad ways he treated you and you'll move on. It doesn't ever go away but it gets better.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    Velociraptor saidSo you dated Darth Vader. (experts often say Vader had bpd.)

    The thing about psychiatric medicine (and as a former med student I can speak with SOME experience as we all get a rotation in it,) is you can go to 10 different shrinks and get 10 different diagnoses.


    Sorry but six- eight weeks in a field placement is hardly more than a taste in terms of experience. You get more erratic diagnoses by the psychiatrists particularly when psychotic disorders are involved. It's not always clear cut; thats one of the drawbacks of the DSM.... such is life. Psychotic NOS. That's why psychologists are a bit less tied to it.... its important but is not the end all and be all of psych.

    Cases of BPD are much less likely to be overlooked or missed. They practically smack you in the face.
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:50 AM GMT
    if you're going with the textbook and good, everyone has some sort of diseases
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    Cash said
    ChangeofName saidpsychiatry btw is not a real science, it's a variable pseudo-science. discounting his experiences and expertise is just as ignorant as discounting anyone elses.


    He is just trying to clarify the distinction between accredited Medical Professionals and Therapists - a term that CAN be somewhat ambiguous.

    Since he seems to have some personal experience in the area - it is not unreasonable for him to offer the information.

    I am sure that ANYbody who has spent 30+ years doing ANYthing - accredited or otherwise - will have a wealth of useful knowledge, even if anecdotal.


    I'd like to add here that there is another class of professionals who are competent at making diagnosis and doing assessment of mental disorders who are not Psychologists or Psychiatrists. They are Licensed Mental Health Counselor or in some jurisdictions Licensed Professional Counselors. It's a 60 credit masters program requiring 600 hours of internship with 3000 hours of required field experience to earn the license itself.

    Psychiatric are primiarily medical doctors I would only trust a psychologist or an LMHC (or LPC) in matters of Psychological diagnosis and conceptualizing something as complex as BPD
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    Mar 06, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidI spent six exhausting years with a borderline personality. It left me so drained that I've had no interest in "getting out there" since it ended, which was five years ago next week. I think I may be finally coming out of it. But only just.


    And here I was scared to mention my episode hearing voices a for a year, until last year. This is what is keeping me from getting involved with anyone. I was hearing voices for little over a year. They came back for a few months, but have pretty much gone away altogether. I've made a logical connection between my psychotic break and my heartbreak that proceeded it. I can't just open up to a guy like I used to. How do you come back from something like this, and convince yourself and the guy you're dating, you're okay?
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Mar 06, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    It's definitely getting better, today was a relapse of sorts....and I do plan on seeing a therapist in the near future, not solely because of him....but because of the issues I'm dealing with that he brought to light. I can't say if I'll ever be over him entirely, but it just eats at me....still caring about someone who cast me aside so easily, after all the effort and energy I willingly gave him....people tell me that karma will come back to him...but I don't want it to, I don't want him to hurt....I just wish I could have helped the man I loved, the man that once loved me to see how deserving he is of everything I gave him; rather than being more and more pushed away. He told me two days before we broke up, that he loved me, and that our anniversary had been the best day of his life....and why couldn't his family (who forced him back into the closet) love him the way I did, unconditionally. It just kills me....I just literally cannot comprehend any of it.