Finding the right balance

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2012 1:06 AM GMT
    Ok guys, I totally don't want this to be one of those "woe is me, I'm so picked on because I'm single wah wa wah" threads.

    But I would like to hear what you guys have to say on something that's been frustrating me for a while.

    For the first while after I came out, I was very shy and introverted. I didn't ever really make an effort or take initiative to meet new people etc and my friends noticed and said "you're single because guys don't notice you because you're not putting yourself out there".

    So over the past few years I have felt myself develop into a far more outgoing, extroverted, person that genuinely enjoys meeting new people, making new friends, and putting myself out there to try and make people comfortable with approaching and getting to know me as well.

    Well during this time I've still felt that the good, quality, nice guys still don't notice me. I know they're out there and I develop "crushes" on them all the time but I still feel "invisible" to them (the guys that are looking for friends with benefits and hookups seem to have no problem approaching me...and I don't fault them for it, I just let them know that that's not what I'm looking for at the moment).

    So in talking with my friends about why I can't seem to attract/get the attention of the type of people that I'm interested in, many of them separately told me "You're kinda intimidating. You're smart, funny, nice, good looking, outgoing...that can be overwhelming".

    So I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice how to find the middle ground between being too shy and being too "overwhelming and intimidating". Anyone ever been through this same situation?

    That said, I'm not rushing to find a relationship (or pulling away to avoid one for that matter) this is more just to help me to become more self aware, and for self improvement to understand the situation better.

    Thanks for any thoughts you have to offer, guys icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    There's no "solution" to this problem, big guy (though, glancing at your profile, being in Utah might be a problem...)

    I've had the same shift in perspective you had, though not from shy to outgoing: from fat and invisible to muscular and intimidating. Before, guys didn't notice me because I wasn't on the radar, and now guys don't approach me because at the bar I look like the bouncer.

    My main advice is this. The guy for you won't be stopped by the barricades that trip up the riffraff and keep them from talking to you. Exactly who you are is what will attract the guy who is perfect for exactly who you are. You won't be too intimidating or too shy for your guy... You won't be too much of anything for him. He will be delighted that you are just as you are.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Mar 08, 2012 6:03 AM GMT
    isrred saidOk guys, I totally don't want this to be one of those "woe is me, I'm so picked on because I'm single wah wa wah" threads.

    But I would like to hear what you guys have to say on something that's been frustrating me for a while.

    For the first while after I came out, I was very shy and introverted. I didn't ever really make an effort or take initiative to meet new people etc and my friends noticed and said "you're single because guys don't notice you because you're not putting yourself out there".

    So over the past few years I have felt myself develop into a far more outgoing, extroverted, person that genuinely enjoys meeting new people, making new friends, and putting myself out there to try and make people comfortable with approaching and getting to know me as well.

    Well during this time I've still felt that the good, quality, nice guys still don't notice me. I know they're out there and I develop "crushes" on them all the time but I still feel "invisible" to them (the guys that are looking for friends with benefits and hookups seem to have no problem approaching me...and I don't fault them for it, I just let them know that that's not what I'm looking for at the moment).

    So in talking with my friends about why I can't seem to attract/get the attention of the type of people that I'm interested in, many of them separately told me "You're kinda intimidating. You're smart, funny, nice, good looking, outgoing...that can be overwhelming".

    So I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice how to find the middle ground between being too shy and being too "overwhelming and intimidating". Anyone ever been through this same situation?

    That said, I'm not rushing to find a relationship (or pulling away to avoid one for that matter) this is more just to help me to become more self aware, and for self improvement to understand the situation better.

    Thanks for any thoughts you have to offer, guys icon_smile.gif


    I'm pretty sure that you're awesome, and that you were awesome before even when you were more shy and introverted, and are awesome now that you are extroverted and outgoing. The problem I believe has less to do with your attitude about meeting people (although I think that you're much more likely to meet potentials if you're out and having fun and meeting new people). It all has to do with meeting the right dude, who, for whatever reason, has not popped up on your radar yet. If a guy thinks you're intimidating because you're so good looking and intelligent and funny... what does that say about their self confidence or personal security? I think you would be much more happy with someone that is able to meet you on a level playing field, and that can take anything you throw at them and dish it right back in terms of intelligence, looks, aspiration, and so on.

    You have plenty to offer another guy. You're definitely attractive, a good body (from what I can see from your photos at least) and you were awesome enough to push yourself to become more outgoing and working on your social skills. If your friends are to be believed, you are also intelligent, have a good sense of humor, and are kind. These are all things that people value in relationships or at least in meeting people.

    Be patient. Keep working on improving yourself, living your life, and being happy with who you are. You will meet a guy that you will click with eventually. And when you do, it is gonna be fantaaastic!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2012 5:10 PM GMT
    You're both 100% right! Thanks for replying icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2012 5:42 PM GMT
    Larkin saidThere's no "solution" to this problem, big guy (though, glancing at your profile, being in Utah might be a problem...)

    I've had the same shift in perspective you had, though not from shy to outgoing: from fat and invisible to muscular and intimidating. Before, guys didn't notice me because I wasn't on the radar, and now guys don't approach me because at the bar I look like the bouncer.

    My main advice is this. The guy for you won't be stopped by the barricades that trip up the riffraff and keep them from talking to you. Exactly who you are is what will attract the guy who is perfect for exactly who you are. You won't be too intimidating or too shy for your guy... You won't be too much of anything for him. He will be delighted that you are just as you are.


    This is the perfect advice and very nicely said.