Saying "I Love You"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2012 7:57 AM GMT
    Here's the skinny.
    Been noncommittally seeing a guy for a few months.

    He has shown signs of being more focused on sex, me 'mothering him' and him showing me off in public.
    When I call him on it he tries to assuage me by telling me that he thinks he loves me.

    To which I ask, "You never ask me questions about myself, you barely know me, how can you say that?"
    He replies, "I ask a lot of questions!"
    I ask, "Name one person I work with OR one of my family members OR how many siblings I have OR what my work title is OR what my life's direction is." He couldn't answer any of them.
    I think he is confusing Love with Infatuation/possession, he got very upset when I pointed this out.

    I've been around the block a few times (times 96) while I appreciate the notion, I don't give it much credence, no matter how much he protests and declares his affinity. I'm not above being wrong... i don't think I am. You all are better than a Magic 8 Ball so I wanted to consult "the oracle".

    Thoughts?
    Experiences?
    Critiques?
    Flames?
    Jokes?
    Condolences?
    Judgments?
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:02 AM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidHere's the skinny.
    Been noncommittally seeing a guy for a few months.

    He has shown signs of being more focused on sex, me 'mothering him' and him showing me off in public.
    When I call him on it he tries to assuage me by telling me that he thinks he loves me.

    To which I ask, "You never ask me questions about myself, you barely know me, how can you say that?"
    He replies, "I ask a lot of questions!"
    I ask, "Name one person I work with OR one of my family members OR how many siblings I have OR what my work title is OR what my life's direction is." He couldn't answer any of them.
    I think he is confusing Love with Infatuation/possession, he got very upset when I pointed this out.


    You're behavior suggests you're trying to push him into Relationshipville when that's not where he wants to go.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:18 AM GMT
    I think I'm just being critically engaged.
    I'm seeing other people and tend to mother the people I spend time with. I really like to take care of people whether I'm 'with' them or not.

    I'm also very curious and like to know what makes people tick, so I ask a lot of questions. None of my questions about him are ever followed up with a "what about you?"

    I figure if you "fall in love" with someone it is usually based on an intimate knowledge of them, the good the bad, the benign.

    After three months if he's declaring love, I just want to know what that love is based on, because I don't think it's an understanding of who I am. Because at my core, I'm very close with my family, love my job and have very clear goals for what I want for my life.

    When I ask him why he thinks he loves me, he just looked at me like I was the light in a tunnel of an on coming train.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Mar 08, 2012 12:55 PM GMT
    I generally think three months of casual, "non-committal" dating isn't enough to declare your love to someone, but it could be long enough to know that you're in love with someone. I knew I was in love with the man I'm with after three months, but not saying it until the right time is a good judge or moral character.

    How much younger is this guy than you? Can his behavior be chalked up to emotional immaturity? He sounds like he's in high school.

    It doesn't like this bothers you enough to stop seeing him, though, so what's the problem, exactly?
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    Mar 08, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    ED said, "I figure if you "fall in love" with someone it is usually based on an intimate knowledge of them, the good the bad, the benign.

    After three months if he's declaring love, I just want to know what that love is based on, because I don't think it's an understanding of who I am."


    It could be based on his understanding and perceptions of what you are like and how you are, rather than your bonds with family etc.

    I think falling in love is an ongoing process of sorts, it grows along with his increasing knowledge about your direction in life and the people in it that matter to you etc. It can also diminish with this knowledge too.

    lol, for example, I imagine if you were chopping up family and friends and keeping them in freezers he would be rather turned off. icon_wink.gif


    warmly thinking of you, my fine friend as always,

    -Doug *puts away magic 8 ball*
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    Mar 08, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    had one, never called me by my name, never asked about how i was and what i was doing. so yes they are not into you. He seems to like you for the physical pleasure.
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    Mar 08, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    I would agree with you, him not knowing anything personal about your background and telling you, I might be falling in love with you idoesnt add up.

    How old is he, is he new to men?

    When I was single and dating and I had to ask all the questions showing interest it became obvious that the person wasn't interested or nervous. This was by the third date too.
    Sometimes guys would call back after a month or so and ask why I didn't follow through with more dates, etc... I said to them, because you never asked anything about me. They always started and ended with the word "ohhh"

    Relationship and courtship should be fairly equal in every sense.
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    Mar 08, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    Going to chime in because I actually have experience here.

    My track record is having a guy say he loves me within the first 24 hours of meeting me... you read correctly... and we spend a long time together so he must feel that it's true.

    It never lasts longer than 5 days.

    With this you have to understand that there are people searching and searching to have someone fulfill their need for love, acceptance, passion, compassion, and not being alone anymore. From this subconscious desperation, they project their infatuation and rationalize it into love to give themselves that thing they haven't had yet.
    Personal facts are examples of a person being blinded by their own infatuation. For it to be a relationship it has to be a 2-way street. This is my toughest problem in finding someone to have a respectable, passionate exchange that continues on levels of intimacy and equal ground.
    I agree that there might be conflicting intentions and communication is key. Tell him you want to move into a relationship, have dinners, movie nights, stay in and cuddle, light candles, go shopping, go on a trip, and do things that would allow for conversation and personal stories to be shared.

    I hope this helps and that you and your guy get through this icon_smile.gif
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Mar 08, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    Okay well seeing as you've been around the block a few times, what would you define as knowing when YOU love someone? Does that person you are dating have to know exactly how much of you % wise. Would it be 50%, 75%, or 100%?

    I ask because you could be a serial dater as well and never wanting to actually fall in love yourself because of some personal reasons while your skull was hardening *if you think I was being rude, google that last little bit okay I wasn't* because I think and this is just from reading what you said and reading your profile that you yourself don't know what love actually is and yes for those of us in a serious life long relationship knew exactly when "love" settled within us. Yes I did actually look at who you were according to how you see yourself online because the question you ask is sort of jaded from a stance and we all know jaded men never really want love, just the notion of it.

    Oh and before any of you ask me, this isn't about me. Oh and I wasn't attacking him either with the jaded comment, he made that clear with the statement "I've been around the block a few times (times 96)..." oh and the "if you don't like dogs you might as well be dead to me" bit *profile*
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    Mar 08, 2012 7:03 PM GMT
    He may be in love with you, but your reaction seems to suggest you're clearly not in love with him. Love doesn't typically respond the way you did.

    I remember with my first boyfriend he told me he loved me after a few months of dating. When he said that, "You have my heart Larkin..." I was dumbstruck for a moment. I didn't feel that at all and I was actually irritated that he would say he felt that way because it demanded a response from me. I clamored around inside me for a response to that... before realizing that my clamoring for a response was itself a response. I wasn't on the same page... I wasn't even on the same path towards being on the same page. Even if I hadn't loved him back yet, if we were going in that direction I would have at least felt something besides irritated when he said he loved me first.

    Which was actually convenient... it clarified how I felt about the relationship in general and we broke up soon after.

    With my second boyfriend I was the one who said "I love you" first after about 3 months of dating. And that love had nothing to do with a deep understanding of his family and history (though I had that), or a wide range of similar interests and personality traits (because we didn't have that). That love sprang from me feeling in him a kinship that I did not share with anyone else: a freedom to be completely myself, with no walls or boundaries, in a way that no one else had shown me. I loved him because he made me feel perfected and truly, completely me.

    Love feels different for everyone I think... but it's just that: a feeling. You're not going to think your way into love.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Mar 08, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    Kalifornication saidI would agree with you, him not knowing anything personal about your background and telling you, I might be falling in love with you idoesnt add up.

    How old is he, is he new to men?

    When I was single and dating and I had to ask all the questions showing interest it became obvious that the person wasn't interested or nervous. This was by the third date too.
    Sometimes guys would call back after a month or so and ask why I didn't follow through with more dates, etc... I said to them, because you never asked anything about me. They always started and ended with the word "ohhh"

    Relationship and courtship should be fairly equal in every sense.


    Amen and hallelujah! Unfortunately it so happens, in my experience, that it is rarely the case.
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    Mar 08, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    hmm... i was in the same boat... he told me he loved me in like the first week... i kept challanging it, but he won... after 1 yr, i fell in love with him ( dumb, i know) and then he dumped me...
    so moral of the storey.... if they profess love in the first month.... RUN like hell.... it will only end in heartache...
    it did for me.... icon_cry.gif
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    Mar 08, 2012 7:12 PM GMT
    remember that "love" is different for everyone. in that way, its a subjective projection of one's own feelings onto the object of their love, who then reflects it back.

    in your case, you're not reflecting it back, instead asking for knowledge, logic, and rationale. love isn't rational. you can't plan your feelings, any more than you can control someone else's.

    my thoughts are that whatever he is feeling, feels real to him, even if it doesn't feel real to you. its totally understandable if you don't connect with him, but you have to let him know truthfully that you're not there with him. keep in mind that he's vulnerable, so tread carefully. someone is putting their heart in your hands. you can pass it back, but try to give back to them undamaged. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 08, 2012 7:15 PM GMT
    I don't think he loves you. I think he loves the fact of you, but not you. If he were in love, he'd want to know all about you. He'd want to know the good and the bad and the trivial.

    He's infatuated. It's more about being with someone who meets a limited set of criteria (most commonly physical characteristics, but could be any number of things including nonphysical aspects.) that fulfill a need at the moment.

    I'd be willing to guess that he hasn't had any long term relationships or if he did, it was dysfunctional. Otherwise he wouldn't use the "I love you." in that context. It would used in a context of emotional weight, not as a rationalization, or a reaction to a situation.

    Infatuation isn't bad, but it is very powerful because of it's limits. It allows someone to focus extremely on specific attributes while ignoring many other, often more significant, attributes.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:00 PM GMT
    My brother fell in love with his girlfriend in three days.. its possible...

    (granted they had met once when they were kids.. but I mean, that does not count lol.. )
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Mar 08, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    I think it's really hard to say what makes one person love another.. but enduring love is something that grows over time.. my ex professed love early in our relationship, but then we broke up a couple of months ago when he didn't want to work on issues.. I do think he loved me (and still does to some degree).. but not in the kind of love that endures and grows over time.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:14 PM GMT
    My guy told me he loved me within the first month we were together. It was kind of cute the way he did it: While dropping him off for rehearsal he quietly (nearly inaudibly) said, "I love you" as he hurried out the car. I smiled to myself and drove away. Three hours later when I picked him up I asked what it was he said as he was getting out the car. He pretended he didn't say anything, but I told him I thought I heard "I love you." He chuckled and confessed that I heard correctly. Having just come out of a LTR I wasn't ready for that. but I played it cool and just said something along the lines of "ahuh."

    The point is I guess I could have made an issue of it. I could have pressured him to see that it may have been too soon to express such emotion, but I figured we all throw the love word around: I love jelly beans, I love that movie, I love baseball. I figured I was just his jelly bean for the moment and would give him time since he was a good, kind, sweet man. I figured he was worth hanging around for to see if his "love" for me had anymore depth than his love of jelly beans. Seems it has since we have been living together for over a year now.

    Based on what you recount, his i-love-yous seem less than genuine. I think your instincts are on target.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    He's 41.
    I do have very strong feelings for him and I have very strong opinions about relationships. I do know what love is and for me it comes from having an intimate knowledge of who a person is and how they move through the world... and having respect and admiration for that.

    For me love builds, I have a physical attraction to him, I have an admiration of how he is on the surface and how he manages his life in a general sense. I feel like I have that based on me inquiring and asking questions, processing his answers with follow-up questions and sincere interest.

    I got very enrapt in him because he IS interesting, charming and funny. But when I stepped back from that rapture I realized there was a reciprocity of expressed interest missing... maybe he is interested but is having a hard time expressing it.

    We talked about it last night and he feels really bad, which was not my intent. I am just having serious doubts if he really has these strong feelings for *me* or if it is for *who he has built me up in his mind to be*.

    What I learned from my forays around the block is that allowing someone to define me as the version of me 'they want' is a sure recipe for disappointment and failure.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Kalifornication said[/cite]Relationship and courtship should be fairly equal in every sense.[/quote]
    My feelings exactly...

    He's not new to men, he was married for 9 years.
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:37 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said

    Everybody was being real crazy
    The monsters are crazy.
    There are monsters outside
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    Mar 08, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said...
    I think he is confusing Love with Infatuation/possession, he got very upset when I pointed this out.
    ...


    I think you're right. A lot of people have never had love not mixed with infatuation, high lust, and possessiveness simultaneously. With that mix, it's hard to isolate an emotion and call it "love".

    He probably does "feel attached" in a sincere way, but from what you describe you aren't really on the same page as to what "love" really means. icon_confused.gif

    My condolences... maybe you should try again to find someone who understands it the way that you do.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Mar 08, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    Does a relationship have to be based on 20 questions?
    I have been with my guy for 10 years and he still asks who I'm really talking about when I mention people I work with.
    Share what you want, and he will either retain the information because he is interested or he wont.

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    Mar 08, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    Larkin saidHe may be in love with you, but your reaction seems to suggest you're clearly not in love with him. Love doesn't typically respond the way you did.

    That love sprang from me feeling in him a kinship that I did not share with anyone else: a freedom to be completely myself, with no walls or boundaries, in a way that no one else had shown me. I loved him because he made me feel perfected and truly, completely me.

    Love feels different for everyone I think... but it's just that: a feeling. You're not going to think your way into love.
    *Taken to heart*
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    Mar 08, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    intensity69 saidI think you're right. A lot of people have never had love not mixed with infatuation, high lust, and possessiveness simultaneously. With that mix, it's hard to isolate an emotion and call it "love".

    He probably does "feel attached" in a sincere way, but from what you describe you aren't really on the same page as to what "love" really means. icon_confused.gif

    My condolences... maybe you should try again to find someone who understands it the way that you do.
    I feel attached too but I'm not feeling very understood. I know he feels understood and cared for but I'm not necessarily feeling that same way. Maybe it is a communication issue or maybe it's a sign that things just aren't going to work out, either way, I will find out soon enough.

    *First World Problem Here*
    Pass the wine...

  • Mar 09, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    I think it is better than he thinks that he doesn't love you, right?

    Be it love/lust/infatuation, the crazy irrational attraction is necessary to draw two people together in the first place (before they start picking on little habits here and there).