Pornography debacle... accessibility vs. acceptability.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 3:27 PM GMT
    So I recently was dawdling on my boyfriends computer and came across severl xtube links. Now, let it be known I was simply preparing to type "xe.com" for the universal conversion site, when xtube just popped up.

    My curiosity got the better of me. "What get's my man rumblin!?" the thought was kind of hot... unfortunately the discovery was not.

    I don't want to be too descriptive with what I found... just know that it was bizarre enough to make me more than a little uncomfortable. I know everyone is entitled to fantasizing... but what i discovered is just something I find almost unbearable. It wasn't horrible or even illegal ( it was on xtube, so there must be SOME demand for it ). My question is: do I say something? How do I say something? What can I expect to resolve?


    Can anyone identify with this? Our sex life took a DIVE 3 days ago, and I am running out of excuses. Part of me just wants to accept and forget. another part is just too disturbed.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 5:54 PM GMT
    Some things should remain private I think. He's human, not the perfect demigod who doesn't have fetishes or anything. If you don't like his er.. 'kinks' I think you should just let it remain unknown that you know. Accept and forget is exactly what I think you should do. Though if it's troubling you too much, how about 'talk about it and accept'? icon_razz.gif

    Resist the urge to use it against him or something.

    BTW, your profile states you as single? icon_razz.gif Though I have to assume that's because of failure to update, heh. This a new bf then?

    And nice tigger. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 8:40 PM GMT
    You can also just ask him - "Um...what up wit that...?" I mean, who knows - you might have found a link someone sent him or something he was viewing and thinking "WTF?!" as well. You won't know until you ask. AND, if it IS something he's into, well, then you can talk about what if anything to do about it then.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jul 08, 2008 9:00 PM GMT
    If you really love him you'll suck it up and talk to him about what you saw and eventually learn to indulge his kinks because that's what he needs to get off. If you're too disturbed by what you saw, then you have to get out.

    But don't assume he's looking at these things on purpose. He may have stumbled upon them like you did and been sickly drawn to them, like watching a gladiator being eviscerated or one of those dumb serial killer documentaries that they used to show on Dateline.

    Just open up a dialogue and talk about it. If that's really what he's into, ask why he was never comfortable enough to bring it up before. And if you don't think you're going to be able to get over it, let him go so he can find someone who will.
  • Fiveldsp

    Posts: 99

    Jul 08, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    If it's something that is really bothering you, then you have to say something to him because if you don't, it'll just eat at you forever and will in the end, effect your relationship. Like it was already said, it might not even be something that he is into, could just be something that was sent to him or something he looked at out of curiosity. I'm not into scat, but i've seen scat videos. Humans are curious by nature, which you already know because you were curious enough to continue looking at the page to see what he was into.

    If you are worried about how he will react when you talk to him about it, just approach it in a way so it doesn't come across as you spying on him. Just ask him what he's into that you guys haven't tried yet or something. It's always a shitty situation to be in, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do other than to talk to him about it. Unless if you've learned a new trait of "forgetting", then you should just talk to him about it and move on.

    Good luck bro!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:40 PM GMT
    HOW bad can it REALLY be???? If it's something he's into and you're not, then allowing him to at maximum "watch it" shouldn't be that big of a deal. He'll need an outlet for it or else he'll possibly search out someone who would "do it" for him. I would discuss it with him, now if it's something not appropriate like children then um BAIL!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:45 PM GMT
    My partner of 30 years and I each have our own kinkinesses which we kind of know about (after 30 years, what else is there to sayicon_question.gif) (Just kidding, sweetie, if you are reading thisicon_redface.gif)

    Nothing wrong with what he is doing, unless you are committed and he's fooling around. Let it go and let each of you have your naughty secrets.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    Humorous Pictures... so, what is it? Really cant comment without knowing how "bad" it is.
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Jul 08, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    Why don't you just ask him about it?

    It's possible his friends sent him an email like "OMG This is disgusting!" and your boyfriend clicked on it not knowing what it was.

    Just because he had the link on his computer doesn't mean that he enjoys that. But the fact that you think he might might say something about your relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    or just post the link and we will all tell you what we think of it... icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:05 PM GMT
    Is he into dirty hot sex with you?
    Does he seem to enjoy sex with you?
    Do you enjoy sex with him?

    If so, I say let it go.

    You said it: Everyone has their fantasies. Maybe it's just that. A fantasy for him.

    If you can't let it go, you're going to have to deal with it. Because if your sex life continues the downward spiral, believe me, he's going to know something is up.

    Just enjoy the sex.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:06 PM GMT
    Caslon4000 saidor just post the link and we will all tell you what we think of it... icon_lol.gif


    Again, I MUST agree with Caslon!!
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:12 PM GMT
    Oh, I know it is that "two girls, one cup" video!

    I saw that reaction vid on here showing a guy reacting to it. I went and found it. OMG! ... icon_eek.gif ... I dont know how many seconds I made it into it before I passed out! Talk about beyond gross!!!

    Now, I am sure somewhere on this computer there is a record that I viewed it. But it wont show that I only had to view a few seconds before I clicked out of it. And it wont show that I nearly died afterwards.

    cat

    There arent enough volumes of the Great Literature of the Western World to cleanse my soul after viewing that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    Caslon4000 saidOh, I know it is that "two girls, one cup" video!


    I am so totally curious right now!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:27 PM GMT
    There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Just because some people slow down when passing an accident site on the highway, hoping to see mangled bodies, doesn't mean that they want mangle people.
    I worked for a medical magazine and had to look at things I never wanted to see, so whenever there's an accident on the road, I get as far away as possible and do whatever I can to avoid the possibility that I might even see something peripherally.
    The nature of an individuals sexual fantasy and reality is two different things. If he's happy with you and your sex life is good, that doesn't mean he wants to do something that he's seen in a video. When I was young and had the opportunity to see things that people did for pleasure that I didn't understand, I had to see it because sometimes I didn't believe it was true and other times I was curious of the 'mechanics' of the act. Nevertheless, I never wanted to do any of those things, nor have I since had a desire to.

    I think you should discuss it with an open mind. What you saw, you saw by accident. There's nothing wrong with saying, in a nonjudgemental way, "Is this something we can talk about?"

    No communication, no relationship. It's that simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:28 PM GMT
    lilTanker said[quote][cite]Caslon4000 said[/cite]Oh, I know it is that "two girls, one cup" video!

    I am so totally curious right now!


    DONT! ....SERIOUSLY, DONT! ....IT IS BEYOND DISGUSTING!!!! ...IT'S VULGAR!!!!! ....I DONT KNOW WHO WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    Great insight, and I totally agree with you guys: to communicate openly, and without judgement....

    I usually open a dialogue when I am bothered by something (Im one of those rare 'talk it out' kind of people) and I approach with an intended resolution... but frankly I dunno what there is to resolve. We have been together for 6 months, and until now I was none-the-wiser. Sex is the same (A-MAAAAA-ZING, and SOOOO fun) and nothing disturbing has ever made it's way into the bedroom...atleast nothing we didn't both obviously consent to.

    I think the content of the porn is just so alien to me, I simply have a hard time understanding how he finds it erotic. I'm not walking on eggshells around him or anything. Hell, i think it's actually kind of funny to know he likes what he likes - he is so clean cut, and boy-next-doorish, I never would have guessed!

    I think the perturbance comes with the fact that I saw something I shouldn't have seen, and I feel like I should say something. And if I do that I would also say how it kind of puzzles me and maybe grosses me out a little bit, but I am not sure if my opinion on the matter would be at all appropriate...

    ALSO - let it be known it wasn't just a link I found. See, I am living in China right now, and I am often on this site XE.com, which is a conversion site. When I began to type it, Xtube just popped on up ( I know I said all this before - but there's more to it). It took me to a specific type of video, that was searched for by specific keywords. When I typed part of the key word, SEVERAL variations of this word, and related words popped up. This was not a one-time 2G1C kind of thing...

    ANYWAY - the content was a bunch of piss porn, and/or incest. Both of which I find...well....revolting. Should I just keep my knowledge of his perversions to myself? I mean it doesn't effect the relationship, necessarily. It does however, create a communication barrier...which I suppose COULD effect things down the road.

    Im way too analytical.

    Feedback?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 3:58 PM GMT
    You can't change what you are attracted to. Whether it be just normal gay sex or freaky donkey show, as long as its safe and mutual, there should be no problems with it.

    Fetishes are meant to be dirty pleasures that people have; that's the fun of them! You should never judge someone based on their fetishes; they didnt chose them, and they arnt forcing you to like them, so its not really a big deal.

    Just try to be open with him about it. Even if your dont ever want to try it, it never hurts to talk about it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:03 PM GMT
    Incest and watersports?
    You got off easy there, kiddo.

    I was expecting fisting with knives or something.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    I'm gonna side with everyone here; the best policy is always honesty. I'd probably sit him down, tell him exactly what happened, and talk it out. He might get really embarrassed, but let him know that it's okay (if, of course, you are okay with it). If you plan on this relationship being lasting, you can't have secrets; they're the cracks in the levee and they will only get bigger and nastier, more gnarled and gaping with time. You don't even have to really talk about it, just let him know that you saw and (here's the important part) that you understand.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:10 PM GMT
    Love the pic!
    Humorous Pictures


    I love porno. And after I was newly single again I went to xtube, nasty! Pornotube is a little better, but sometimes I'm bothered by the daddy and son clips that make it the most viewed. Honestly, saw one once, and after watching the 30 clip to see if they were really father and son, I was quite disgusted, when I saw how much they looked alike.

    But go ahead and be disturbed, don't have sex for a while. Sex and porn aren't the start all or end all of life, if you've got your shit together. You talk it over, sooner or later. Or you can pick up a porno you know you like and he may be surprised enough and you can have make up sex.

    Sorry for being so blunt when I don't know you very well, but honesty has always been the best policy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:18 PM GMT
    watersports? ...big deal! ...not my activity, but it doesnt hurt anybody

    incest? ...less of a problem for gays, unless you are talking rape. ...it's not like we have to worry about making genetically weird babies ...and maybe it isnt the family relationship that is enticing to him, but just the age difference.

    and quite frankly, I think your snooping is rather over the top. Damn, cant a guy have any privacy!
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jul 09, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
    Considering the content, I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe it's not your cup (and two girls) of tea, but it's not that big of a deal.

    Incest is a bit of an interesting one, in my opinion. It's actually really common (at least in the straight world) to be attracted to one's siblings. Also, just because he thinks that's kinky doesn't mean he'd ever want to sleep with one of his siblings. It could be a kink that he doesn't ever want to act on. I have tons of those.

    Piss is interesting too. There are very few of my kinks that my boyfriend is also into. Unfortunately, piss isn't either of our kinks. I say unfortunately, because peeing on someone is relatively easy and doesn't require any discomfort. Maybe it doesn't turn you on, but it wouldn't take any effort for you to piss on your boyfriend, who it may turn on immensely. Compare that to say, a kink where your boyfriend wanted to watch while you screw a woman, or really enjoyed smearing doodoo all over you and watching you eat it. Sorry for the extreme graphics. I'm just trying to make it quite clear that these aren't kinks that are that bad. Piss is relatively clean, and easy to clean up. Just make sure that no one gets gout.

    In terms of my own experience, I finally came clean with my partner about my kinks, which he can't really take part in, and he finds them funny and makes fun of me for them occasionally. It is kind of funny, but this also leaves me closed to the idea of discussing things kinks with him in the future, due to not wanting to feel ashamed about it. The upshot being that I would suggest discussing this without laughing about it. At least, not at first.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:31 PM GMT
    UncleverName saidConsidering the content, I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe it's not your cup (and two girls) of tea, but it's not that big of a deal.

    Incest is a bit of an interesting one, in my opinion. It's actually really common (at least in the straight world) to be attracted to one's siblings. Also, just because he thinks that's kinky doesn't mean he'd ever want to sleep with one of his siblings. It could be a kink that he doesn't ever want to act on. I have tons of those.

    Piss is interesting too. There are very few of my kinks that my boyfriend is also into. Unfortunately, piss isn't either of our kinks. I say unfortunately, because peeing on someone is relatively easy and doesn't require any discomfort. Maybe it doesn't turn you on, but it wouldn't take any effort for you to piss on your boyfriend, who it may turn on immensely. Compare that to say, a kink where your boyfriend wanted to watch while you screw a woman, or really enjoyed smearing doodoo all over you and watching you eat it. Sorry for the extreme graphics. I'm just trying to make it quite clear that these aren't kinks that are that bad. Piss is relatively clean, and easy to clean up. Just make sure that no one gets gout.

    In terms of my own experience, I finally came clean with my partner about my kinks, which he can't really take part in, and he finds them funny and makes fun of me for them occasionally. It is kind of funny, but this also leaves me closed to the idea of discussing things kinks with him in the future, due to not wanting to feel ashamed about it. The upshot being that I would suggest discussing this without laughing about it. At least, not at first.


    You got kinks? ....ummmmm....like what? ...tee hee hee ... icon_lol.gif

    Oh this thread could get really interesting now...

    ok, everybody 'fess up your kinks.

    RuBY, popcorn stat, please!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:44 PM GMT
    i am so utterly boring! i'm satisfied with vanilla (well, as vanilla as gay sex can be - we have the kinky built right in)... if i didn't like guys i'd probably be the most uninteresting sex person on the planet...


    oh...

    but wait...

    i'm an exhibitionist... or maybe i'm just desensitized to nudity because i dance naked or nearly so in clubs? i'm not sure that one counts... no, i'm still lame.