Why do some people find bf's while others are always single?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:08 PM GMT
    I hear so many guys around my age talk about guys they've dated, etc, and what I want to know is:

    1. Where did you meet?
    2. How did you establish a connection?
    3. How did you keep it going?

    All I've ever had is one night stands, and admit, had fallen pretty hard for a couple of the guys I've been with. But, in the end, it seems like I'm the one to get hurt. I'm not a playboy, and just really want a relationship.

    How do you do it?
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    Jul 08, 2008 9:24 PM GMT
    One night stands... not a playboy... huh? Do you mean that that's not what you set out for to begin with? My suggestion would be to hold off on the sex until you know them. And more so, what they want/expect from you. A lot of guys just want to hookup, or be friends with benefits. Not all, but quite a few. But to answer your questions:

    1) I've met some of my past boyfriends in different ways. A couple at a club (least desirable means - it just kind of happened), one through the internet, and another through friends.

    2) This one's kinda tough... we just HAD a connection. It wasn't something that we tried to do, or just decided to do. We looked at each other, liked what each other saw, and just pretty much went from there. I wouldn't go as far to call it 'love at first sight', but it was an instant connection/attraction.

    3) Well... I'm currently single, so I guess I don't have an answer for this one hahahaha. icon_lol.gif But my longest relationship was a year and a half and we kept things going as long as we did probably because we just enjoyed each others company and made each other laugh, and felt safe with one another. Plus the sex was really good too icon_wink.gif I still love him, as he tells me he still loves me. It was a mutual breakup, we just weren't right for each other in the end. So I guess what I imagine the correct answer to this would be - when you find your soul mate, you don't have to 'keep it going'... it keeps itself going naturally.
  • gingerstrap

    Posts: 78

    Jul 08, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    1. Met my bf in college at a gay organization meeting

    2. If the person is right you seem to know it and the connection is there. I will say however if you want to avoid the "one night stand" don't have sex right away. We took it slow for a few weeks and got to know each other. We fooled around but waited on sex.

    3. My bf and I will be together for five years in September, we keep it going by always being open and honest with each other. People always want to know how to stay together and it is really simple: communication. If you can't talk about everything than it won't work out. Talking is key. A good sex life helps, and always being willing to try new things.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:38 PM GMT
    1.) i've met previous bfs/guys dated in a variety of ways. BFs: gay.com, myspace; Dated: met at a bar, friend of a friend

    2.) connection-wise, it was more of, we hit it off in the sense that we wanted to continue to talk/hang-out after meeting and actually followed up on it with calls/texts/in person

    3.) well, currently single too, lol. however cliched it is, it rang true for me regarding communication being the key. the 2 previous boyfriends i've had, we were always honest with our feelings, needs, concerns, etc.

    My suggestion would be to avoid expecting a relationship to spring from each guy you meet. if anything, just expect them to treat you with respect. start from there icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:45 PM GMT
    I've had two main relationships so far.

    1. Both I met as a friend of a friend (the first actually was a friend of an ex of ex).

    2. The connection was just there. That bloody spark that people keep talking about.

    3. Just kept the lines of communication open, and dealt with problems rationaly.
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    You have a better chance of finding someone if you are out and proud. Some guys looking to skip all the BS of closeted relationships will not even consider someone without a picture on their profile icon_twisted.gif
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    Jul 08, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    Oh let me answer the question LOL!

    1) Yahoo
    2) Just Happens with no explanation
    3) Lots of Work
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2008 11:39 PM GMT
    BostonVball> when you find your soul mate, you don't have to 'keep it going'... it keeps itself going naturally.

    I hate to be a wet blanket, but I don't really buy into this "soul mate" or "the one" business. Save that stuff for fairy tales where they magically live happily ever after.

    If your relationship doesn't require, in Chizzad's words, "lots of work", then there is something very wrong with it. Maybe it's a long distance relationship, and you only see each other for brief periods. Perhaps one or the other is always giving in (which is not healthy and doesn't work in the long run). Probably you are still living in the "honeymoon phase"; it may last 3 weeks, 3 months or even 3 years... but it does end.

    I think what fools many people is that they think that if the "honeymoon phase" is over, so is the relationship. It's all so easy to walk away and look for greener grass elsewhere: "Sorry, dear, but you're only 98% of what I want, so obviously you're not my 'soul mate', you're not 'the one.'"

    I think if you talk to people who have been in LTRs (and at 12 years I think Matt and I are getting there), no one will say: "Joe and I met 20 years ago and it's all been downhill (easy) since." They will tell you that relationships require work. And communication, compromise and learning to coexist.


    1. First met at a funeral - but we were both dating someone else at the time. Met again 9 months later at a school dance ("Club Fabulous"). I was in the process of ending the previous relationship, so we just went out "as friends" a few times and got to know each other. With only a goodnight hug, no kiss.

    2. Once we got over the initial small talk, we readily found various "connections": common interests, thoughts, etc.

    3. Therapy at year 8 did wonders to get things back on track. Helped us learn to communicate better.
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    Jul 09, 2008 1:55 AM GMT
    1. Met online
    2. In the first week that we knew each other, we were together 5 out of the 7 days. We just talked a lot. Got to know each other.
    3. Again. Communication. If we have an issue we talk about it. We talk and email each other everyday and have date nights throughout the month.

    Dont even entertain the option of a one night stand. If that does happen try planning on doing something during the day later that week.
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    Jul 09, 2008 2:05 AM GMT
    1. First met in September 1996 at gay volleyball. There was instant mutual physical attraction. I introduced myself to him the first night.

    2. We hung out with other friends from volleyball, and played on the same softball team in the summer of 1997. I did not realize it but he wanted me to make the first move (after all I am 10 years older). But I was HIV+, shy and leery about dating a younger guy. However, I was also lonely so I was sort of torn. We finally made a connection in a gay bar in December 1997 after he had had too many beer. Sparks started to fly so to speak, and we started dating after New Year's 1998.

    3. We have kept it going through honest communication, shared interests, and treating each other with respect. We just passed 10 1/2 years together.
  • bradsmith

    Posts: 175

    Jul 09, 2008 2:22 AM GMT
    Interesting question! I've wondered the same thing as I've looked at my group of friends. I guess I would emphasize a willingness to be in a relationship...which generally means a willingness to compromise and to subordinate your interests to your partner's...some of the time! It's interesting to me that I tend to hear this question the most from guys in their early 20's. I met my first long-term (>1 year) bf when I was 24...before that, I just don't think anything lasted because I and my partner weren't ready for it. In fact I would go so far as to say that it sometimes takes several shorter term relationships before you learn what it takes to sustain a longer one. My history:
    1. Where did you meet?
    #1-at a friend's birthday party, '84-'86
    #2-World's largest gay Tupperware party (I was the host), '87-'00
    #3-a bar, '98-'03, (yes there's an overlap, read my other posts on that)
    #4-gay.com, '04-
    2. How did you establish a connection?
    I hate to say it: chemistry...that elusive quality and confluence of things that fascinates you about the other person and causes you to spend progressively more time together. I tried many times to create or find a spark when there wasn't one to begin with...it never worked for me.
    3. How did you keep it going?
    Blood, sweat and tears...communication, communication, communication. A willingness to be wrong, even if you're right, a desire to love someone even when you don't. The ability to say "I'm sorry"...and mean it!

    I'm still close friends with all of my ex's...and I'm really glad of that...I always say, if you spend any significant amount of time with anyone, they must have some redeeming qualities...I'm just fortunate that my ex's apparently think that about me!

    Btw...one thing you didn't ask: about the lost art of "dating"...seems like many guys I talk to today have the immediate need to fall in love and live happily ever after! My only suggestion: meet someone, take it slow, spend time together, but don't try to force things to happen...if you're meant to be together...you'll figure out a way!

    Good luck!
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    Jul 09, 2008 4:00 AM GMT
    caesarea4 saidBostonVball> when you find your soul mate, you don't have to 'keep it going'... it keeps itself going naturally.

    I hate to be a wet blanket, but I don't really buy into this "soul mate" or "the one" business. Save that stuff for fairy tales where they magically live happily ever after.

    If your relationship doesn't require, in Chizzad's words, "lots of work", then there is something very wrong with it. Maybe it's a long distance relationship, and you only see each other for brief periods. Perhaps one or the other is always giving in (which is not healthy and doesn't work in the long run). Probably you are still living in the "honeymoon phase"; it may last 3 weeks, 3 months or even 3 years... but it does end.

    I think what fools many people is that they think that if the "honeymoon phase" is over, so is the relationship. It's all so easy to walk away and look for greener grass elsewhere: "Sorry, dear, but you're only 98% of what I want, so obviously you're not my 'soul mate', you're not 'the one.'"

    I think if you talk to people who have been in LTRs (and at 12 years I think Matt and I are getting there), no one will say: "Joe and I met 20 years ago and it's all been downhill since." They will tell you that relationships require work. And communication, compromise and learning to coexist.


    1. First met at a funeral - but we were both dating someone else at the time. Met again 9 months later at a school dance ("Club Fabulous"). I was in the process of ending the previous relationship, so we just went out "as friends" a few times and got to know each other. With only a goodnight hug, no kiss.

    2. Once we got over the initial small talk, we readily found various "connections": common interests, thoughts, etc.

    3. Therapy at year 8 did wonders to get things back on track. Helped us learn to communicate better.


    You don't have to sound like a wet blanket... I'll just call you Debbie Downer icon_razz.gif (though I won't deny I see what you're saying)
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    Jul 10, 2008 6:00 AM GMT
    caesarea4 said
    I think if you talk to people who have been in LTRs (and at 12 years I think Matt and I are getting there), no one will say: "Joe and I met 20 years ago and it's all been downhill since." They will tell you that relationships require work. And communication, compromise and learning to coexist.


    icon_eek.gif
    Okay, wow. A little off topic, but you guys are my hero. My parents couldn't even keep it together twelve years. I hope that's me one day.... Ah! major congrats on that!


    Anyways, to answer some of the question... One thing I noticed that when I click with someone, I can sit on the phone with them for almost four hours every day for a week and still find things to talk about on a date. It's things like that that reassure you that it's more than just a physical attraction.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Jul 10, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    After 4 exes (the longest of which lasted 5 1/2 weeks) my bf and I have been together about 5 years. We met through friends; one night after the bar I was about to call a cab and they said not to bother because they knew a guy who gave people free drives home from the bar as a way of making friends and 'doing something nice for people.' So he drove me home a few times, apparently becoming kinda taken with me (he says it was because I was "hot and funny" icon_neutral.gif) because he made the first moves relationship-wise. It's never been easy, though. We come from very different backgrounds, have different beliefs, almost polar-opposite personalities, and trust me-- between cliches, "birds of a feather" is closer to truth than "opposites attract." When opposites do attract they drive each other nuts. But we stick it out because we care for each other more than we drive each other mad, and because even on the days where it would just be easier to say "fuck it, I quit!" and go our separate ways, neither of us *really* wants to.

    But here's the thing: if you're "looking" for a relationship, you'll never really find one. You'll find the bastard product of your search, but that's different. If you're going around wanting to meet someone who'll 'complete you,' you're not going to see another guy for who he really is- you'll see what you want to see and fall for your own illusion, and once that gives away to time you'll find yourself dissatisfied.

    Work on you. Focus on 'completing' yourself, find and do things that you love, learn to enjoy spending time and being happy with yourself. Then, when you meet someone who fits (which is realistic, whereas a soulmate is a romanticized fantasy) you're more likely to meet him doing something that you both love, and your vision will be clearer so you'll get to know him instead of falling for him as an objective means to an end (namely, 'getting your relationship'). All of the best relationships I've ever seen have happened slowly, and almost seem to have been by accident; they were friends first and over time they evolved, organically, into something more, and after that the 'work' was in finding out the new things and balancing the familiar stuff with the changes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 10, 2008 3:36 PM GMT
    Some people just aren't datable. Seriously. Regardless of how many times you say you are ready , that doesn't necessarily mean you are.

    There isn't a magic location to meet a quality guy.

    The same guys who lament their singledom are the same guys who are the most rigid in what they believe the perfect mate looks and sounds like. Relationships are all about compromise, compassion, hard work, honesty and forgiveness. If you have a six pack and a personality everyone loves at a party, that does not mean you have the skill set to maintain a meaningful relationship. You can't look in the mirror or how often you are hotlisted and wonder why you are single. That is all an illusion of who you think you are. If anything, it serves as a distraction to keep you single. MOST reasonable people realize that appearance and muscle tone fade over time and whatever remains is what truly matters.

    The great thing about this site is that one minute you can read a post from a seemingly sincere guy about how great, handsome, smart and outgoing he considers himself to be... and you think "Hmmm.. that's odd, this guy has it all, how can he be single." but then a few posts later, he is revealing his true colors and there is no mystery at all about why he is single.

    Loving yourself and being able to sustain a relationship are two completely different things.




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    Jul 10, 2008 3:41 PM GMT
    1. Met him online (gaydar) and had a chat about politics and journalism. We decided to meet for a beer and hang out a bit more.

    2. Had the beer and discovered that we got along really well. I also put it out there that I thought he was cool so if it was alright with him I didn't want to fuck immediately afterward. He said he thought I was cool and that was alright.

    And then we had sex anyway because we were drunk and he has such kissable lips. icon_biggrin.gif

    3. Working at it and trying our best. It's not always easy but I do love him.


    2.5 years.. not bad for meeting a guy on Gaydar.co.uk.
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    Jul 10, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    1. Where did you meet?

    Everywhere. I've met guys when I was working at the bookstore, I've met guys online, I've met guys through friends, at church, men are everywhere. Bars and clubs are the last place I look for relationships though, it seems people there usually have one motivation.

    2. How did you establish a connection?

    Putting yourself out there. You gotta be upfront about what you're looking for, realistic in your expectations, and cautious about who you trust your affections with. Finding common ground is a good start, then play it by ear. It's best to find a location where you're focused on each other, a loud club will get in the way of true conversation. Parks are nice, or if you trust them, your apartment/house.

    3. How did you keep it going?

    Oh Lordy, relationships are work work work. What usually happens is one person gives and gives and the other takes and takes. I keep it going by being open about my feelings, communicating, and compromising. One is destined to fail if he expects his partner to be an adonis who spends his life catering to his every whim. You gotta give as much as you take, and leave if you're giving more than you get back. Hope that helps.
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    Jul 10, 2008 4:33 PM GMT
    1. We met at a club. I saw him across the bar. He had a great smile. I told some friends I wanted to meet him. Next thing you know there he was in front of me.
    2. We talked and laughed for a long time. We found that we had a lot in common. We dated for about a month before having sex. We really took the time to get to know each other. We have now been together for 20 years on the 16th.
    3. We still talk and laugh allot. It isn't easy. In the first few years we had some pretty good fights. It would have been easy to walk away. We chose to try and work things out. I would say the last 15 years have been awesome. We have grown together and love each other more each day. We still have our little fights but they are over by the end of the day. They are usually stupid little things we end up laughing about later. The big thing is if you really love someone you have to be willing to work on the relationship when it gets rough. It’s worth it in the long run. I can't imagine my life without him.
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    Jul 10, 2008 5:17 PM GMT
    Check your game, as the kids say. Why is it that you are having one night stands with nothing more? Some thing to consider:

    Where are you meeting these folks? Meeting a guy at a club will likely end differently than meeting a guy in church.

    What do you do together? Going on a date is different that slugging down some coffee before fucking like rabbits.

    How do you flirt? Saying "you have beautiful eyes" is different than "you have an ass I could nap in".
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    Jul 10, 2008 10:51 PM GMT
    GeorgeE> The big thing is if you really love someone you have to be willing to work on the relationship when it gets rough. It’s worth it in the long run. I can't imagine my life without him.

    I think that summarizes it perfectly. Sadly, absent children, too many people find it easier to quit than work on it. (Not to cheapen any relationship with this analogy, but any salesman will tell you that it's easier to keep an existing customer than find another. If some people would be willing to put half the work into their relationship that they then put into meeting someone new....)

    Happy 20th to you guys!
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    Jul 10, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    1. Where did you meet?

    met online ... on a stupid dating site ... in january 2008 ...


    2. How did you establish a connection?


    we exchanged more than 100 emails before i met my bf in person ... it was some sort of getting to know each other thru email ... until we became very comfortable with each other ...

    then i asked my bf for a date ... so that i could see him in person ... i wanted to see the real person ...

    my bf was very surprised that i asked him to date me ... then that's where we met face to face ...

    i guess me & my bf have "chemistry" ... we get along very well ... and i found out that we have a lot in common ... specially the "porn sex" thing ... lol ...


    3. How did you keep it going?

    we talk everyday ... either thru email or phone ... its kind of weird because i'm not a talker on the phone ...

    in fact, i easily get bored when someone talks to me on the phone ... i prefer to sleep than talk for hours on the phone ...

    but with my bf, its like i'm always excited to talk to him ... and its like i don't want him to go ...

    we also send love letters to each other everyday ... it's kind of like, our "romantic" thing ...

    we also have "little" fights ... or sometimes "big" fights ... and sometimes we argue ... but we always talk it out and reconcile ...

    me & my bf always believe that there is a solution to every problem ... and i guess it works because we always find a way to solve our problems or differences ...

    i guess thats what happens when two people are ... in love ...

    cheers !!! icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 10, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
    You are so right! Hey thanks caesarea4
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    Jul 11, 2008 3:51 AM GMT

    Hey collegestud86,

    1 We met at a club - Celebrities in Vancouver.

    2 Bill saw me first. I didn't know. I saw him and quietly walked through crowds til I was right behind him, leaned forward and made an observation about the dangerous light-show (huge lights on a shaky grid) overhead.
    "If there's an earthqauke, we're all going to die." Bill says he turned and looked at me and for him it was the big L at first sight. I took a little longer.

    3 Utter honesty and LOTS of talking. Both us wanted a relationship for starters, and both of us hoped for one. We discussed this pretty well right off. There is, in fact, something to be said about keeping that desire with you, as it readies you for when it does happen. This, in spite of what the popular theory is, that as long as you look for it, it won't happen. Guess what? I met a lot of guys before BIll and the often heard tale was,
    "Uh, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now." Dad used to tell me, "Take' em literally when they say that, walk, and don't get stuck in the same bind." (Mom used to say "If you can use his toothbrush, you're in love." heheh) Dad's theory was that if you're not looking for it, you're not preparing or ready for it. You might miss the best love in your life. He also said, as a caveat, don't go CHASING it. Yes, the road seems longer and harder while you're single, but you learn what it is you really want and better, what you really need. After alot of rejection by others, (hey, if they can't handle the knowledge that you're looking for long term, why bother with them?) acceptance was ecstatic, more, we were both deeply appreciative of how precious such a connection was. Because of this, we were able to, and still do, look past any number of quirks in each other. We never go to bed, never, until an argument is resolved. On rare occasions this meant a sleepless but conversational night followed by calling in sick the next day. Lousy work ethic? No, because I'm not married to work, I'm married to BILL. Work won't care what happens to me or him or our hearts and bodies, just productivity and attendance etc. It's 19 years this Dec. Both over 50, we're always finding ways to secure each other's future, should something happen to one of us. We're still very much in love and are quite frankly astonished at how swiftly the time has gone. We posted a bit about the importance of continuing romantic stuff in an LTR recently in a topic titled
    Romance in a Realationship. I think the author of that topic spelled 'relationship' that way deliberately.

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    Jul 11, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    Chizzad saidYou have a better chance of finding someone if you are out and proud. Some guys looking to skip all the BS of closeted relationships will not even consider someone without a picture on their profile icon_twisted.gif


    That's quite true to some extent, not having a profile picture really defeats the purpose of looking for friendship or love.icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jul 11, 2008 3:05 PM GMT
    collegestud86 saidI hear so many guys around my age talk about guys they've dated, etc, and what I want to know is:

    1. Where did you meet?
    2. How did you establish a connection?
    3. How did you keep it going?

    All I've ever had is one night stands, and admit, had fallen pretty hard for a couple of the guys I've been with. But, in the end, it seems like I'm the one to get hurt. I'm not a playboy, and just really want a relationship.

    How do you do it?


    First if you want a relationship stop with the one night stands. Dont put out on the first date either. You can pretty much meet anywhere. I meet my second BF on a phone chat line and I met my husband on a website.

    1. anywhere.
    2. Conversation of anything outside the realm of sex.
    3. Communication. Open communication and compromise is the key to any long term relationship.

    I fall short on 3 sometimes because well I had a hard time opening up because Im rather blunt and truthful. We all know the truth hurts sometimes and I hate hurting the ones I love.