Friends with an ex you still like?

  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Mar 12, 2012 1:49 PM GMT


    I feel like I'm in some sort of dead end at this point in my life. The roots are in my "love" life, but it's starting to affect my mood and other things I do.

    How do you deal with friendship and exes? The guy I dated for a couple of great months broke up because he was "not ready to commit." 

    Now he is back in my life as a friend. We chat occasionally, and even hung out as friends. I'd say we get along very well. We chat, we laugh, we share personal stuff. I am being honest when I say I am happy to have him around as a friend and I know he hasn't been dating around since we split up. Doesn't mean he won't, though.

    We have both been very quiet about our love lives, that being the one thing we haven't discussed.

    The problem is I have tried to date others, and it's not been easy. Of course part of me wants us to get back together but I am under no illusion that that's not what he wants, and I respect that. I know he still likes me, I just don't know how.

    I thought it would be easy to have him as a friend - and so far, it is - but I wonder if I will be able to deal with him telling me he has started dating people. 

    I was never in a situation like this with someone I still like. I'm trying to contact him less and less but it's getting painful, I like talking to him. And I'm sure he likes talking to me too. 

    Is there ever a chance of getting back together with a friend? 

    It's only been 1.5 months since the split so I feel it's early to even bring anything up but should I even ? Or should I just keep being a good friend and eventually my feelings will fade? 

    I don't know if he can, or would, ever change his mind. I don't want to make a wrong step and push him away, but perhaps keeping the status quo is the only way to go for now.
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    Mar 12, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    I'm good friends with one of my exes. I'm glad we're friends, and we're at the point that we talk about our love lives, amongst other things. I hang out at the house he and his boyfriend live at and it works. It works, I think, because our primary goal with all of this is the friendship. I've had to stomach some hard things (mostly initially) hanging out with my ex and his new boyfriend, at times when I've been the single one in the house (there's four guys at this house). But I value my friendship with these guys and they value their friendship with me and we've come through the hard times. So, if you want to remain friends, my advice is let go of wanting to get back together. It will probably screw up the friendship and make it harder to maintain that friendship. If there is a chance you two will get back together, maybe it'd be better to resign yourself to just the friendship for now. If it happens, it happens. Pining over this friend of yours isn't going to help you much, especially if you guys never get back together.

    My two cents.
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    Mar 12, 2012 2:18 PM GMT
    theguyintown said


    I thought it would be easy to have him as a friend - and so far, it is - but I wonder if I will be able to deal with him telling me he has started dating people. 

    I was never in a situation like this with someone I still like. I'm trying to contact him less and less but it's getting painful, I like talking to him. And I'm sure he likes talking to me too. 

    Is there ever a chance of getting back together with a friend? 



    No. He's a guy you love(d). Unless you move on and find yourself a man that does want to commit, your friendship with this one is doomed....spare yourself the agony of hearing about his exploits with his new boyfriend.....

    -Been There.

    icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 12, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    For me I wouldn't be in contact. If you keep in touch you only keep the feelings alive and hurt yourself. Very difficult to get over in that case. Few manage to do so. It is hard for the one who has more feelings to be in contact with the other when feelings aren't reciprocated.
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    Mar 12, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    I'm very good friends with my ex of 22 years and two guys I dated for much shorter times and it's great. There's no reason not to be friends with guys you enjoyed being with. Just because the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you can't remain friends.

    Now if you're still having romantic feelings for the guy, then you might want some separation first and then once you've moved on perhaps you can establish a friendship.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 12, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    theguyintown said

    I feel like I'm in some sort of dead end at this point in my life. The roots are in my "love" life, but it's starting to affect my mood and other things I do.

    How do you deal with friendship and exes? The guy I dated for a couple of great months broke up because he was "not ready to commit." 

    Now he is back in my life as a friend. We chat occasionally, and even hung out as friends. I'd say we get along very well. We chat, we laugh, we share personal stuff. I am being honest when I say I am happy to have him around as a friend and I know he hasn't been dating around since we split up. Doesn't mean he won't, though.

    We have both been very quiet about our love lives, that being the one thing we haven't discussed.

    The problem is I have tried to date others, and it's not been easy. Of course part of me wants us to get back together but I am under no illusion that that's not what he wants, and I respect that. I know he still likes me, I just don't know how.

    I thought it would be easy to have him as a friend - and so far, it is - but I wonder if I will be able to deal with him telling me he has started dating people. 

    I was never in a situation like this with someone I still like. I'm trying to contact him less and less but it's getting painful, I like talking to him. And I'm sure he likes talking to me too. 

    Is there ever a chance of getting back together with a friend? 

    It's only been 1.5 months since the split so I feel it's early to even bring anything up but should I even ? Or should I just keep being a good friend and eventually my feelings will fade? 

    I don't know if he can, or would, ever change his mind. I don't want to make a wrong step and push him away, but perhaps keeping the status quo is the only way to go for now.

    Dude, you are never going to meet anyone if you keep this up. Buddy, I say ask him if he would like to get back together and if not than you need to put more focus on finding someone else
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    Mar 12, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    Yup, I'm friends with my first boyfriend.

    We've even shared a bed a few times post split but NOTHING happened. Sure we both still find each other attractive but we've both moved on to other people.

    I suppose it does help that he doesn't live in Manchester but the past is the past. Just because we didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean that we can't be friends still.

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    Mar 12, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    I agree with the guys above me. In my experience, I began to really heal from these things as soon as I started seeing other people. I've never been able to keep a friendship with an ex, even if there was no real fight at the end. It just seems better (for me) to part ways.

    I had an ex (who meant a lot to me once) who is turning 49 today. We broke up in 1992, and there has been no contact of any kind since then - after a pleasant good bye. I have to remind myself each year NOT to send a birthday card. It wouldn't hurt anything to do that, but it would serve no purpose, really.
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    Mar 12, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    I am not good at being friends with exes. I am friends with only one of mine and it took a long time to be able to get to that point.

    I come from the place of "We didn't work out, you need to not exist."
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    Mar 12, 2012 6:10 PM GMT
    It's funny that I think that my current relationship with ex's is entirely based on the relationship and how it ended.

    One ex I'm very good friends with and we communicate regularly. We are both in very happy relationships now.

    One ex I'm still friendly with although we are not close friends short of facebook.

    One ex was so intentionally destructive to my life that if I'd been told he was fatally ill, I don't think I would care.

    One (sort of ex - as it never reached the state of a committed relationship) was just immature and obsessive as well as both untruthful and incapable of accepting the truth when told. He's someone I just feel sorry for, but I'm not making any attempts at friendship since he's still bitter and 4 years later still occasionally sends me pathetic and sometimes disturbing attempts to make me 'jealous' or more ridiculously, to chastise me.

    So, I think distance and time can give you a clear hindsight view of your ex's as long as your not still subconsciously hold a candle for them.