Being gay is making me sad. I really could use some insight.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    Hey all! First off I want to say that I feel a bit ashamed asking for help. I am usually such a good person about solving problems on my own and fixing my own mistakes, but at this moment in time I feel a bit lost. I debated for a day or two if I should post this or not but I joined RJ to be connected to a gay community so I might as well take advantage of that. Okay, here goes...

    First off, I know I've been gay all my life but I've started coming to terms with it and truly realizing it these past two months or so. The biggest thing that makes me upset is that I am attracted to older men, and nobody my age. People on these forums say "it's just a stage" but I'm not so sure. Do you know how upset it makes me to realize I like men that are settling down with their life while mine is just beginning? I can already see the complications in the age gap and that thought alone makes me feel like I'll be alone forever or that I'm doing something wrong (even though I know I can't help how I feel).

    Second, I have nobody to talk to. I live in a small, southern town full of close-minded idiots. One of my best friends is gay but I have to keep my sexuality a secret to him and all of the town. I work retail with him and see how misstreated he is by customers and co-workers simply because he likes other men. One lady even told him he was the Anti-Christ. Now, most people in town know I won't tolerate discrimination against anyone so it's a good idea not to mention anything about that around me, but I can't go to class, work, or home without hearing demeaning terms towards gay people and it really hurts me.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person for the most part. Customers, co-workers, and friends constantly praise me for my optimistic, loving, and kind attitude towards everything in life, but right now I've been feeling so down I don't know what to do with myself. I went for a long jog today and when I was done I sat down and reflected on my life. I just feel so lost and having nobody to talk to. It's like I just don't matter anymore and if I faded away nothing would change.

    Sorry for the rant. Like I said, it took a lot out of me to post this but realize I truly have nowhere else to turn to.

    EDIT: I'm not very close with my family so I have nobody to talk to about this either. The odd thing was my mother confronted me about two days ago and asked me if I was gay. She was getting suspicious as I was hanging around my gay friend a lot. I lied and told her no and acted like I was upset that she would even ask that question. I'll come out when I'm ready but it won't be until a while I don't think.
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    Mar 12, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    Get out of Alabama. If you aren't a frothing-at-the-mouth Jesus camp supporter and/or black, you're probably not gonna be happy in that part of the country...
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    Mar 12, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    JakeIsaac said
    Firebrand saidGet out of Alabama. If you aren't a frothing-at-the-mouth Jesus camp supporter and/or black, you're probably not gonna be happy in that part of the country...


    why do say black?


    Because a very large percentage of that region is black.
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    Mar 12, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    That's really tough. But you are confronted with a situation where, if you stay - you slowly erode and run the chance of winding up alone and bitter. Distance would help so much, and there are many places where you can be and live with dignity - and, possibly develop a better relationship with your family because of it.

    Your other issue is made worse by where you are as well. It may be a "stage" where you are attracted to men who are perhaps more stable and settled, and that's not a bad thing. But in other places you would be more free to explore this - and find that there are others who are attracted to older men as well.

    Goo luck to you - it's rough. But there are ways out of it, and there are better things to come once you take control of your own life.

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    Mar 12, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    Firebrand...you very wrong.
    The black community is very minor in Alabama which is why racism is still very high and ...whatever i am not going to go into that

    Josh I promise, I just posted the same thing not to long ago. I also am from Alabama, and I know how hard it is. Everything you said is just like me. I joined RJ for clarity,

    I get how you feel. I live in Mobile, and I am not close with my family either. My mom died though but my sisters terrorized me.

    I also am attracted to older guys. I guess the idea of having someone older, and wiser. A protector/guider someone who can help me get away from everything. Who has experience is a turn on for me.

    You can talk to me. I promise you I know exactly how you feel.
    I have also know my whole life, but because of religious purposes and hate crimes and stuff I never said anything. I was outed before I could even hide by my own family, and random people at work.

    I made some good friends who adore my personality but every night I still feel alone. I wonder about the future and i just can't see where I am going to go.

    Its hard not having anyone to talk to, especially your own family. It really can eat at you. Everyone can think you are happy, but you could be close to the edge.

    I am 22 so not that much older than you, but I am getting better with time, Just expressing it makes things better. Baby steps.

    But like I said im from AL aswell and I still live here. So if you need a friend or just someone to rant 2 im here.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 12, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    Yeah, get out of Alabama.

    If you can
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    Mar 12, 2012 11:06 PM GMT
    Nothing wrong with being attracted to older guys, whether it's phase or not. Find ways to enjoy it, rather than beat yourself up about it.
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    Mar 13, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    Import saidYeah, get out of Alabama.

    If you can


    I wish I could but right now I'm stuck in college and I just don't have the funds to move.


    unfounded7 saidNothing wrong with being attracted to older guys, whether it's phase or not. Find ways to enjoy it, rather than beat yourself up about it.


    Thanks a lot. You have a good point, I guess it's just coming to terms with it thats difficult.

    Thanks for your support so far everyone.
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    Mar 13, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    As someone who grew up in Southeastern Tennessee and was raised pretty conservatively Christian, I would like to echo what the other posters have said: get out. I moved up to the DC area for school when I was 19 and it was probably the best decision I've ever made. You need to go someplace where you will feel accepted and free to be yourself. One of the biggest pains in life is regret; whether or not you are in a position to move away and financially support yourself, only you know. But the longer you wait to leave after moving away is a possibility, the longer you miss out on what life is really about.

    I love the South. Other than it's issue with gays I don't think there is anywhere else I would rather live. Sure it has its problems, but most Southernors are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Many of them have ignorant opinions as to who and what "gays" really are. Many of them view us as being in the same boat as the leather/fetish/ 90% naked guys that dominate the news reports of any gay pride event, which makes me feel the biggest stumbling block to gay rights are gay pride parades themselves. Most of them don't know any gays personally, so they form their opinions of what they see on the news. I have only had one bad experience coming out to a friend from back home; pretty much all of the other "close minded Southernors" I knew were accepting of it, if not always approving.

    While I'm no longer a conservative Christian, I'm both a Christian and a conservative. Obviously my views have changed since coming to terms with myself.

    As to the woman calling your friend the anti-Christ, ask her if she or any of her family has been divorced (being from the south, the answer will most obviously be 'yes'). Tell her that according to the Bible, she/ her family member is an adulter(ess), yet Jesus said nothing about gays. That will make her fat ass think for a little bit.

    good luck with everything
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    Mar 13, 2012 12:41 AM GMT
    Hey Josh.

    Fist and foremost:

    *GIANT WARM HUG X 2*


    Now start looking for work you can do in other States where the atmosphere is conducive.

    There ARE older men out there that will love love love you.

    Bill and I are legal guardians and god-parents. Being gay as well this makes us official-in-the-flesh-yes-they-exist Fairy Godfathers.

    .....and we're making a wish for you.

    -Doug and Bill
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    Mar 13, 2012 12:56 AM GMT
    Get a dick in you.

    Usually it's impossible to be a whiny sad sack whilst getting fucked.

    Also, move to a better town.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:08 AM GMT
    It'll get better. Just wait.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    meninlove said Hey Josh.

    Fist and foremost:

    *GIANT WARM HUG X 2*


    Now start looking for work you can do in other States where the atmosphere is conducive.

    There ARE older men out there that will love love love you.

    Bill and I are legal guardians and god-parents. Being gay as well this makes us official-in-the-flesh-yes-they-exist Fairy Godfathers.

    .....and we're making a wish for you.

    -Doug and Bill


    You don't know how much this meant to me. It really warmed my heart. Thank you for that.

    Haaretz saidGet a dick in you.

    Usually it's impossible to be a whiny sad sack whilst getting fucked.

    Also, move to a better town.


    I liked the last part of your advice better. Can't lie, I lol'd at your post as usual. It would be nice if you gave more insightful posts from time to time. But then hell might freeze over haha

    huhwhat saidIt'll get better. Just wait.


    Waiting is the scary part for me. I'll be patient but I'm going to try to take initiative also.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:25 AM GMT
    Florida isnt that far, New Orleans isn't that far, Atlanta isnt that far..

    Get out, get out, get out!
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:25 AM GMT
    Here's a hug from me as well.

    Don't feel lost mate. There are plenty of people here who can really give you some some pearls of wisdom for you to keep.

    Be strong
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1980

    Mar 13, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    You definitely need to get out of Alabama and move to more progressive area. Once you do, you will be so much happier to live among people who are fine with people being openly gay and will treat you with respect. Your life will be transformed and you will look back and wonder why it took you so long.
    I think your main question now is whether to stay where you are to finish college or move to a better place and finish school there. I guess it all depends on how unhappy you are.
    If you have a car I recommend spending some weekends in Atlanta (or whatever real city is close to you) and seeing how much better life can be. icon_smile.gif
    Good luck!
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    Mar 13, 2012 4:27 AM GMT
    I suggest you come out to your co-worker. The two of you can lean on each other for support. You'll eventually have to come out and knowing someone who is can help you through that.
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    Mar 13, 2012 4:42 AM GMT
    You're from Alabama...the place where men are men and livestock are nervous.

    Don't be a livestock. Be a man and stand up for yourself. Even if you get your ass whooped, at least your attackers will know you stood your ground till the final punch was thrown. That alone will gain respect from them, and being gay in an anti-gay society will be much easier after that.

    <-- Came out in rural Arkansas, in 1991, when being gay was even more taboo than it is in Alabama now.
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    Mar 13, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    You're certainly not alone in this. A lot of gay people, whether they are in small towns or not, have to go through that phase in their life.

    You have certain advantages though. You have the advantage of being able to connect with people through the Internet. Older generations didn't have that. You're in college, which hopefully means that in a few years, you'll have a ticket out of your small town to wherever in the country you want to go. Have you checked on your college campus for gay groups? In that area of the country, there might be some discreet groups you can join without "outing" yourself.

    Hang in there. This won't be a problem that you'll solve overnight. You'll have ups and downs. It's important to have good friends that you can rely on for support, even if those friends are only online for right now.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Mar 13, 2012 4:48 AM GMT
    Firebrand saidGet out of Alabama. If you aren't a frothing-at-the-mouth Jesus camp supporter and/or black, you're probably not gonna be happy in that part of the country...


    What? You have these kinds of issues? I admit that I am surprised. How did you hide this side of yourself so long on here? I'm usually pretty good at spotting such people. Wow, interesting.
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    Mar 13, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    I recommend moving to the only cities you day dream about or think are too out there for your, considering how behind the times the South is proving to be, I'd say following your heart or intuition will be your best choice.
  • Another_Jerem...

    Posts: 355

    Mar 13, 2012 5:20 AM GMT
    Firebrand said
    JakeIsaac said
    Firebrand saidGet out of Alabama. If you aren't a frothing-at-the-mouth Jesus camp supporter and/or black, you're probably not gonna be happy in that part of the country...


    why do say black?


    Because a very large percentage of that region is black.


    You're a moron.
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    Mar 13, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    Before you decide to pack your bags and head for the big city where everyone is happy and free and, oh so gay-friendlyicon_rolleyes.gif, don't you think it would be better to tell your gay friend that your are gay too. He might know a few others who are also gay. You cannot be the only two gay guys in your town. Furthermore, you're only 19. Take your time. There has to be gay people where you live. Why not make a list of the pro's and cons of staying or moving elsewhere. Be totally honest with yourself. You may be looking at a glass that is half empty, not realising that it may be half full..

    (As for the "black people" comment someone posted above - just ignore it. It is totally irrelevant and could be interpreted a million ways. I am white and I've lived all my life surrounded by black people. The ratio is something like 9 black people to one white person. I am the better for it).





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    Mar 13, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    Josh1992 saidEDIT: I'm not very close with my family so I have nobody to talk to about this either. The odd thing was my mother confronted me about two days ago and asked me if I was gay. She was getting suspicious as I was hanging around my gay friend a lot. I lied and told her no and acted like I was upset that she would even ask that question. I'll come out when I'm ready but it won't be until a while I don't think.


    Tell your mother the truth. She probably knows already, so no need pretending. Plus if you want to be close to your family or have someone to talk to, you're gonna have to take risks sometime. Your mom loves you. If you want to find peace, you're gonna have to be first honest with yourself and stop lying. Part of growing up is standing true to yourself.

    Consider yourself lucky. You have the internet and a forum to jot down your ideas. There are/were some who never had a "forum" to exchange ideas. Talk about feeling alone. Hugs. Be strong and courageous. Believe in love and give others the benefit of the doubt that they can grow as well from this.
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    Mar 13, 2012 6:51 AM GMT
    Don't face it alone! Get backup! First get your doctor to put you on an SSRI for the depression. Second join a gay men's group. Third look into counseling. fourth exercise more (it helps the mind too).

    If none of that works move to a big city in a blue state.