Emotionally unavailable guys

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 12, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    Hi all

    I've been trying to date and either I end up meeting guys who are unavailable - not out, partnered or just recently single so therefore on the rebound. It's also odd but the really good looking ones (!) are sometimes the biggest assholes.

    How does one stop attracting this type of emotionally unavailable . It's really off cos it feels like a sheer fucking landline dating men.

    Any thoughts or anecdotes?
  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Mar 12, 2012 11:07 PM GMT
    I am sure not everyone will agree with me but I believe that, in large part, emotional availability is often synonymous with "emotional availability for you."

    Meaning, if you are truly into someone, you will try and find a way to make it work. Absolutely, there are such things as guys who really cannot commit for a myriad reasons, meaning that you can very well be at the wrong place at the wrong time, but many obstacles are surmountable if two guys who click find each other.

    I am in a similar situation wherein I feel I keep meeting guys who are unavailable too. I think they are available to some degree, just not for me. I think the answer is keep dating. Go out, meet people, don't limit yourself and don't feel sorry for your predicament. It's not pleasant being knocked down, but there is someone out there looking for the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 12, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    I totally understand where you are coming from. I guess you just have to keep trying.
    Its not easy at all, Im going through the same scenario.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    theguyintown saidI am sure not everyone will agree with me but I believe that, in large part, emotional availability is often synonymous with "emotional availability for you."

    Meaning, if you are truly into someone, you will try and find a way to make it work....


    Excellent point. I think this is where the "things you both have in common" factor is the biggest predictor of whether you two become a match. When the chemistry is really good, a connection is made and you have a shot with each other. I think it's just as important to assess how much emotion do you need from this guy. Some don't realize just how much they need or how soon in the relationship they send cues about how much they need.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    persecutionicon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    theguyintown saidI am sure not everyone will agree with me but I believe that, in large part, emotional availability is often synonymous with "emotional availability for you."

    Meaning, if you are truly into someone, you will try and find a way to make it work.

    I think the answer is keep dating. Go out, meet people, don't limit yourself and don't feel sorry for your predicament. It's not pleasant being knocked down, but there is someone out there looking for the same.


    I'm afraid you've found the best answer early on icon_smile.gif

    Although I'm going to complicate things a little...

    I classified my partner as "emotionally unavailable" during the first two months of the relationship... Of course, I didn't realize until later that in a way I was unavailable too because I was trying to boycott the whole thing. I had relationship issues because of my past commitments, and he had relationship issues because he'd never had a boyfriend and was not out to his family and coworkers.

    I would try to make a conscious effort to not fall into dating territory, and he would be inconsistent in that regard too... but something kept pulling us together. We kept having amazing times, and our communication improved dramatically. Before we knew it, we started building a life together––based on shared values, common interests, commitment (and great... not gonna lie!). As hard as it was, it also all sort of happen spontaneously.

    And without pretty much any arguments or drama whatsoever. [Usually a GREAT indicator of whether a relationship can be built with someone or not. Cannot stress this point enough!!!]

    That's why I think the "keep dating" mantra, when applied correctly, is essential.

    It's not just about learning what you like and what you don't like about men, it's also about examining how you relate to men in general---and, above all, it's about learning to trust your gut.

    You'll date 10 guys who will be as "bad" for you on paper as the guy you end up having a meaningful relationship with---but this last guy will have stirred something within you that inspires you to go above and beyond. However, without proper experience, you might end up going above and beyond for the wrong guy.

    Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    blactor saidHi all

    I've been trying to date and either I end up meeting guys who are unavailable - not out, partnered or just recently single so therefore on the rebound. It's also odd but the really good looking ones (!) are sometimes the biggest assholes.

    How does one stop attracting this type of emotionally unavailable . It's really off cos it feels like a sheer fucking landline dating men.

    Any thoughts or anecdotes?
    It's not about attracting them - it's about recognizing who they are and not going for them...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    2nd that..icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    beachbum310 saidIt's not about attracting them - it's about recognizing who they are and not going for them...
    Not taking too long before you cut your losses, let the other guy know you need more than closet friends with benefits and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 13, 2012 3:29 AM GMT
    Mmm.... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2012 2:03 AM GMT
    beachbum310 said
    blactor saidHi all

    I've been trying to date and either I end up meeting guys who are unavailable - not out, partnered or just recently single so therefore on the rebound. It's also odd but the really good looking ones (!) are sometimes the biggest assholes.

    How does one stop attracting this type of emotionally unavailable . It's really off cos it feels like a sheer fucking landline dating men.

    Any thoughts or anecdotes?
    It's not about attracting them - it's about recognizing who they are and not going for them...


    This is the best advice.

    If someone is really into you, it doesn't matter their background or their past relationships. If they are into you, they will try and make it work.

    I went through something very similar for a year and 3 months now and I have to tell you, if they aren't willing to change, just get out while you can.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    theguyintown said[...] emotional availability is often synonymous with "emotional availability for you."

    Meaning, if you are truly into someone, you will try and find a way to make it work. Absolutely, there are such things as guys who really cannot commit for a myriad reasons, meaning that you can very well be at the wrong place at the wrong time, but many obstacles are surmountable if two guys who click find each other.

    I am in a similar situation wherein I feel I keep meeting guys who are unavailable too. I think they are available to some degree, just not for me. I think the answer is keep dating. Go out, meet people, don't limit yourself and don't feel sorry for your predicament. It's not pleasant being knocked down, but there is someone out there looking for the same YOU.


    Very much this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2012 2:13 AM GMT
    If you have even a hint of sadness or a feeling that they are a self absorbed douche then run away as fast as you fucking can !

    These kind of guys are just pure poison and not fully formed human beings. You deserve better than that and you can find better than that.

    Life is too short to waste on jerks man.

    The signs are usually there quite early but many of us choose to ignore them hoping things will improve or we are swayed by their looks. Ignore the physical and be honest with yourself about how they make you feel.