Feeling "stuck" as a young gay. Does it really get better?

  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 12, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    So I've grown up pretty openly gay, I've been out since I was 14. My parents being Unitarian Universalist, raised me to believe that it's just a thing some people are, and that's never been a problem.

    However, my dad also being a Marine, I spent a lot of my life in the South, and really looked forward to my college years, where I'd finally be able to escape the place where no one was out, and really find a home in a place where an active, friendly gay scene existed. For various reasons, Boston has ended up the place I claim as home now.

    I've had a decent amount of success with hook ups and the like, but I've started feeling more and more lonely in the gay community, both in terms of platonic socialization and finding people for potential romantic interests, dates, etc. I feel like the loud, vocal majority of Boston's gay college students are focused on being catty, dramatic, excessive both in terms of spending money and drinking, etc. Which is fine for them, far be it from me to judge what makes someone happy, but that's just not what I'm interested in.

    So I decide to seek out what our society calls the "masc" end of the spectrum, and have found myself ignored and/or rejected on every avenue; clubs, RJ, MH, grindr, etc. I feel pretty consistently that I'm dismissed for not being "masc enough," though I do keep myself fit, have a low voice, a generally masculine demeanor, etc. I just don't have an interest in obtaining a larger build, I'd rather stay in shape to stay in shape, as opposed to doing it for the looks or to get bigger. It's just not my thing.

    I've managed to get a few good gay friends in the area, but just about all have boyfriends and it's kind of hard not to feel like a "third wheel" hanging out with them, as great of guys as they are.

    So, my question to the RJ is: Is there going to be a point where this whole "masc vs. fem" thing becomes less limiting? Because I hate shopping, but I think Kylie Minogue's music is dope, and it's getting a bit lonely in the middle here.

    I tried to phrase this in the least self-pitying way I possibly could, so forgive me if anything came off particularly mopey or whatnot. I understand my life is much better than average on a bell curve, this is just that ONE facet that's really getting me down right now.
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    Mar 12, 2012 11:02 PM GMT
    Just do what you wanna do... it's not like you really want to be friends with anyone who judges you thusly


    What's funny is when the slim built wanna be masculine guys start following you round saying...'wow you're soooo masculine' and they get blank stares and told 'I really don't see myself that way'
  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 12, 2012 11:06 PM GMT
    MsclDrew saidJust do what you wanna do... it's not like you really want to be friends with anyone who judges you thusly
    '


    Oh definitely. For a bit I got all into the idea of getting bigger, and then realized it wasn't something I was doing for me. I wanna be small spoon too much. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 12, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    JayPride42 said
    MsclDrew saidJust do what you wanna do... it's not like you really want to be friends with anyone who judges you thusly
    '


    Oh definitely. For a bit I got all into the idea of getting bigger, and then realized it wasn't something I was doing for me. I wanna be small spoon too much. icon_lol.gif


    And that's fine....

    Just don't start a "I wanna stay small.... but I'm attracted to big guys... but I won't add muscles just to please shallow muscle queens... but how can I make them like" Thread

    and they won't think your a douchebag icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 12, 2012 11:18 PM GMT
    Really..... REALLY? icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 12, 2012 11:24 PM GMT
    Oh...
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Mar 13, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    honestly, I'm hot and being chased all the time in real life. I even feel like a troll online, from the response I get. It's all about the pix I think. Maybe you need to get out ouf your house more.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:09 AM GMT
    Go volunteer at a homeless shelter, a needle exchange center or a hospice and you will soon see how blessed you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    If someone's not attracted to you, then they're not attracted to you. The End.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:22 AM GMT
    When you quit living your life, having to be "gay" at the center of everything, you'll find that life does get better..icon_wink.gif
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Mar 13, 2012 1:26 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidhonestly, I'm hot and being chased all the time in real life. I even feel like a troll online, from the response I get. It's all about the pix I think. Maybe you need to get out ouf your house more.


    I agree with this. I don't consider myself hot, but I realize I get much better responses in real life than I do online. Also Boston can be the problem. It's not a friendly city, and if you aren't in a certain clique, it can be difficult to meet people. Lastly, don't mistake muscles with masculinity.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:28 AM GMT
    It absolutely gets better
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:32 AM GMT
    I think it's mostly about staying open to new experiences and not worring about types and scenes.

    Sorry guys - the whole masc/fem debate may be interesting and may even make defining sexual tastes easier but ultimately...it's really kinda stupid to get all hung up over.

    If a dude isn't hanging out with you because you aren't big enough - well, he probably isn't the type o'guy to have on your Christmas card list anyway.

    And we have all felt "stuck" from time to time. It is nature's way of forcing you to re-evaluate the direction you are headed. Nothing wrong with that. Even if you discover you don't like the direction.

    And yeah - it DOES get better. It always does.

    Always!

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    Then maybe the gay community around you, or in general, is not for you. Stick to your true and tried friends, straight or gay. I feel somewhat similar to you; I just made friends with people who happen to be cool. I have a few gay friends, or friends from the Rainbow group at my school, but I never really felt like part of the "gay group." I realize that my place is among my tight group of friends. If you need buddies to go out with, either grab those you know or go with a girl or two icon_smile.gif Just know that you don't have to do anything/be part of anything to acquire any self-validation. It comes from within.
  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Mar 13, 2012 1:37 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidIf someone's not attracted to you, then they're not attracted to you. The End.


    Oh, I definitely agree. I'm not trying to say "I want to force all these specific people to like me," I just feel like there's a larger overall trend in finding social circles in general. I know I'm still 19. I know people are just flat out not going to like the type of body I have/don't have and that's life, not worth being upset over. I'm not into those self-pity games at all (anymore, at least). This post is definitely more about finding social groups at all, as opposed to exclusively romantic partners (who I'd prefer to meet out in person than online, as people say).

    And yes, people, I do get out of the house, I promise. Unfortunately, all my social circles right now are pretty exclusively straight men.
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    Mar 13, 2012 1:42 AM GMT
    JayPride42 said
    Ariodante saidIf someone's not attracted to you, then they're not attracted to you. The End.


    Oh, I definitely agree. I'm not trying to say "I want to force all these specific people to like me," I just feel like there's a larger overall trend in finding social circles in general. I know I'm still 19 and not particularly photogenic/good at taking self-protraits. I know people are just flat out not going to like the type of body I have/don't have and that's life, not worth being upset over. I'm not into those self-pity games at all (anymore, at least). This post is definitely more about finding social groups at all, as opposed to exclusively romantic partners (who I'd prefer to meet out in person than online, as people say).

    And yes, people, I do get out of the house, I promise. Unfortunately, all my social circles right now are pretty exclusively straight men.


    I'm not sure if you're fishing for compliments, but you are a handsome guy, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.
  • Kwokpot

    Posts: 329

    Mar 13, 2012 2:02 AM GMT
    Hmmm this seems to be a common complaint these days with the younger generation of gay men. I don't think it was as much growing up gay in the 70's & 80's.

    The INTERNET and Mass Media has made society more homogenious; it seems like everyone dresses the same, listens to the same music, 'LIKES' the same thing, etc...there's no more individuality.

    First of all, stop this Masculine.- Fem thing, just stop it. Just be YOU. There is no checklist on personality traits. All this Facebook 'like' bullshit is making lemmings out of everyone. If you are genuine in your personality, guys will see you for you.
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    Mar 13, 2012 2:03 AM GMT
    Just screw it. You'll find people, stop trying to fit into the gay 'this' and go to the gay 'that' and just live your life normally. Eventually you'll find someone that isn't one of those catty, dramatic gays or whatever. Patience is a virtue and if you just wait it out, you'll find someone of quality. I'm sure you'd rather wait a few years for someone of quality than hook up with lots of horrible guys starting tomorrow.
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    Mar 13, 2012 2:35 AM GMT
    Why not find platonic friends of various genders and orientations who share your interests and let the romantic/hookup thing take a breather? If you are around quality people, you will visibly be happier and more relaxed, and then when you are regularly surrounded by people who like you for YOU, they can do the sales pitch for you to their own single friends. Just a thought!
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Mar 13, 2012 3:21 AM GMT
    Sounds like you've been seeking genuine connections with people at clubs, RJ, MH, Grinder, etc., but that seems to be an unlikely place to find it. The "whole masc vs fem thing" remains limiting at any age, so you can discard that now. You really may not want to take it seriously, being ignored/rejected from any of the above scenarios. Your body's fine: don't worry about mass media messages of what you should look like, it's just a scam to sell you stuff. You've got the right mindset, to just be healthy and not body obsessed.

    So what to do? Pursue your interests.That way you'll be interested. You'll also be interesting.

    Then you connect with people based on your interests and accomplishments. It all falls together naturally. It gets way better than seeking connection/validation in the places you mentioned.

    At 19 your world is a lot bigger than it was at 14. You're still just at the beginning. Your world will be even bigger at 30. Keep meeting people and things will develop.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Mar 13, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    You are having sex regularly. I'm sorry but, what is your problem again? I don't understand.
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    Mar 13, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    JayPride42 saidFeeling "stuck" as a young gay. Does it really get better?
    No, it stays exactly the same or worse...

















    ...unless YOU make it better.
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    Mar 13, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    Cash saidI think it's mostly about staying open to new experiences and not worring about types and scenes.

    Sorry guys - the whole masc/fem debate may be interesting and may even make defining sexual tastes easier but ultimately...it's really kinda stupid to get all hung up over.

    If a dude isn't hanging out with you because you aren't big enough - well, he probably isn't the type o'guy to have on your Christmas card list anyway.

    And we have all felt "stuck" from time to time. It is nature's way of forcing you to re-evaluate the direction you are headed. Nothing wrong with that. Even if you discover you don't like the direction.

    And yeah - it DOES get better. It always does.

    Always!

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    Wow, that was great!

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    Mar 13, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said

    You're pursuing friendship and/or romance based on body type or gender identification? As opposed to mutual interests, compatible personalities, shared sense of humor, enjoying similar activities, congruent outlook on life?


    You can't build a lasting, mutually rewarding long term relationship on such trivial things like mutual interests and compatible personalities! How dare you be this shallow! The ONLY thing that truly lasts in this world is big round pecs and a carved set of abs. Those are the ONLY things that last. That and a a totally chillaxed str8actin bromasc no fems no fats attitude.
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    Mar 13, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidI haven't the pleasure of understanding you.

    You're pursuing friendship and/or romance based on body type or gender identification? As opposed to mutual interests, compatible personalities, shared sense of humor, enjoying similar activities, congruent outlook on life?

    Perhaps I'm not getting something.


    He is actually just trying to navigate the Openly Gay Sea of Confusion and Mixed Signals (it's not in the Atlas for some reason - I checked twice) for the first time since coming from the Deep South (if I understand correctly).

    His posts thus far seem to paint a picture of a genuinely open-minded, kind-hearted dude who is just looking to find a few friends - and maybe a little more. There can be a shortage of that on this site sometimes. It doesn't hurt that he's cute too.

    Now, to a coupla grizzled old Dragons like Me and You JPtB - it is easy for us to draw conclusions and swing accusations at the guy. But lets face facts - he is young and in a city that is not the most cutting edge trying, rather valiantly, to make sense out of rules, regulations and customs that not only make ZERO sense to those who were raised on them - but must seem like braille to someone who has never had ANY experience with them.

    In time he will learn that usually, most "scenes" that have a name are best left to amateurs and tourists. But he has to experience them first - at least to know what to avoid.

    In the mean time - it may be up to us old Dragons to breathe a little less fire and at least TRY to guide the dude.

    At least it'll getcha outta the lair for a coupla hours and TOTALLY fuck with angry villagers.

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