Setting Myself Up For Defeat

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    I need some advice guys:

    I've been talking with this guy for a few weeks now and so far we seem to have a really good connection---we have a good thing going. We're both smart aleck to our cores and we both have the same sense of humor.

    We have decided to meet this weekend. Yay, right?

    The problem? He is moving away to grad school in 4 months. Not only is he moving, he's moving to the other side of the world---Australia to be exact. However, he continues to tell me that he wants to get to know me and thinks we should definitely meet.

    I really don't know what to do because I am very LTR oriented and all I need is for us to grow close and then for him to up and leave. I'm not sure how long he will be in Australia, but I'm sure it'll be at least a few years. Should I just decline the offer to meet? Should I meet and maybe he'll change his mind? Should I be supportive? Should I play the victim? Should I be utterly excited for him? I'm kinda lost....

    Dating has never been simple for me. For some reason, it is hard for me to find people who are interested in what I have to offer so when somebody does come around, I wanna nurture it to make it work. However, I think this might be over before it began.

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    Mar 14, 2012 3:12 AM GMT
    Do you know what his intentions are? Why does this have to be about dating? If you have that much in common, why can't this just be the start of a friendship? You can keep in touch easily enough while he's in Australia. You don't know where you both will be when he's finished school. If you're both still interested in pursuing something further, then you can. If not, then at least you have a friend.
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:22 AM GMT
    I'm kinda in the same boat. But instead, it's me who is moving away this summer. If I were you I would enjoy the time you have now, but don't get your hopes up that this relationship will blossom into something it's not. It may be hard to accept now, but you will learn to get along without this guy and find someone closer to you that may have the chance to become a LTR.
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:26 AM GMT
    If you guys have such a good connection, I don't see why you wouldn't meet him just because an LTR isn't a possibility at this time. Is there no middle ground with you?
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    You're already planning the logistics of a marriage in your head and you haven't even met.
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Sounds like he wants to be friends, if anything icon_neutral.gif
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    Mar 14, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidYou're already planning the logistics of a marriage in your head and you haven't even met.

    I did that once. Talk about learning your lesson the hard way.
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    Mar 14, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    Why not let him know what you're feeling? He may not be as LTR-oriented, and if that's so important to you it would be good to for him to know where you're coming from.

    Apart from that, I'd agree with everyone else. One can still have a meaningful relationship without a guarantee that it will be long-term.
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    Mar 14, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidYou're already planning the logistics of a marriage in your head and you haven't even met.


    OK, well I'm going to go with the idea of this.
    This relationship then is an online one, so can continue just like this no matter where each person is.
    In some ways it seems static to me, as though it will always just be this. However, others here have been very patient and seen it work out, and work out wonderfully. There are two here I know of.

    That you can meet is at least something, and can decide, depending on how you are with each other, whether it will continue or not.

    -Doug
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    Mar 14, 2012 1:34 PM GMT
    Ahhh, now this makes sense.
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    Mar 14, 2012 1:44 PM GMT
    Um, aren't you a little ahead of the situation?

    If it's over before it begins, it's because you've already created, grown and lived the "relationship" in your head before you've even met this guy and, you know, made sure he doesn't smell like day old eggs and onions.

    I'm all for people wanting, seeking, working toward and finding love and stability in romance, but my advance, especially to a lot of young guys lately, is SLOW DOWN.

    People in a rush often go so fast they miss a lot of important things while speeding by toward some finish line that may or may not be there.
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    Mar 14, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    why wouldn't you meet the guy? maybe you can become long term friends?
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    Mar 14, 2012 2:01 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidYou're already planning the logistics of a marriage in your head and you haven't even met.


    I would say there is a certain element of truth to this statement. I assume a lot of us (when we meet somebody) start ''dreaming'' of what it might become.
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    Mar 14, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidUm, aren't you a little ahead of the situation?

    If it's over before it begins, it's because you've already created, grown and lived the "relationship" in your head before you've even met this guy and, you know, made sure he doesn't smell like day old eggs and onions.

    I'm all for people wanting, seeking, working toward and finding love and stability in romance, but my advance, especially to a lot of young guys lately, is SLOW DOWN.

    People in a rush often go so fast they miss a lot of important things while speeding by toward some finish line that may or may not be there.


    Again, I think there is an element of truth to your statement. I just need to hear it from others.
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    Mar 15, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    I have to agree with a lot of the comments. The relationship that you have right now with this guy is very fresh, very new and there is really no need to speed things up.

    Granted he is moving away in four months and within that four months anything can really happen. He could end up staying, he could end up leaving early, you can end up meeting another great guy and he could end up meeting another great guy.

    The important thing is, just enjoy your company with him for now and when you feel like you have those strong love feelings, let him know. He could be on a different page but then you know exactly where you stand and that of course is important.

    Right now, good communication is the key, if he wants someone further hopefully he can let you know through conversation or through his actions. If not, take up the reign and begin that discussion. Just don't place all your money into this pot for now because you might end up walking away with nothing.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Mar 15, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    Well to be honest...bringing up your LTR insight would be a mistake since this guy is leaving in a couple of months...What's wrong with the mindset..This is a chance for me to develop a meaningful friendship...How could a friend be a sign of defeat?...more like a win-win...my 2
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    Mar 15, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidWhat else are you doing with your time ... follow your heart ... you never know where it might lead you ... happiness might be just around the corner ... if nothing else you may have a good time and a nice memory


    This.
    And after getting to know you, he might know someone appropriate for you.
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    Mar 15, 2012 3:10 AM GMT
    So, you set the story in as a self fulfilling prophecy of self defeat; yet you come to others for some kind of absolution for something that has yet to even happen? You are aware this guy you're getting along with is moving to another country. You know there is only so much time with him. You want to be happy. You see there is a "possibility" for a LTR; but SOMETHING is WRONG with the situation? Maybe it's bothering you, cause against your greater judgement, hopes for a relationship and high expectations of the future; you know this isn't going to work. Get over it. Meet the guy, be friends. If LDR work for you, more power to you. Go for it! If not, have whatever quality relationship with the guy you want before he's gone and stay friends, or not. Please, just don't beat yourself up trying to draw logic on the unknown, and seek out relationships with guys that are in your same position, where you live.
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    Mar 19, 2012 2:57 AM GMT
    Update:

    So I met this guy and...

    Things went way better than expected. Clearly this guy seems very interested in me and I in him. It was slightly awkward at first but we quickly warmed up to one another. We had lunch and then he showed me around his university and then we went back to his place.

    Every move that was made, he initiated (including him pinning me to the bed and kissing me). We wrestled, laughed, watched funny videos and insulted one another (in a playful way).

    It was very evident that he was interested in me. But one thing still loomed over it all-----the move overseas. He seemed very excited and upbeat about the trip to which I responded every single time with ''yeah, but that means leaving me behind.'' There were times he didn't respond to me and other times he playfully said ''you'll move on.'' He said I was free to come visit him but going to Australia is simply too far. I can't afford the airline ticket much less a week in food and leisure activities.

    Btw, I'm taking donations if anybody wants to help get me there icon_smile.gif jk

    I really appreciate the responses to this topic. I guess I'm left with a big question mark. Now what? Perhaps I should yield to the advice given and be his friend. In 2 years when he comes back, perhaps I can welcome him back. If not, perhaps other opportunities will come my way. I just hate the thought of letting him ''get away.'' My worst enemy is timing and it seems to strike at the most inopportune times.
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    Mar 19, 2012 12:47 PM GMT
    anybody? lol
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 19, 2012 12:58 PM GMT
    Unfortunately too many gay guys rank "friendship" as the "runner up" to
    a relationship or sex. What you need to do is to decide if you genuinely want to get to know this guy... friendship can be good (actually it can be excellent).
    It will force you to get to know the guy long distance. I realize it could be for several years, but what choice do you have? Do you plan to tell him you don't want to meet him?

    I would go, just know the limitations and lighten up about it.....I wouldn't hesitate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 1:01 PM GMT
    Australia is a nice place to live icon_smile.gif

    xx
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    Mar 21, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    hou2jax saidUpdate:

    So I met this guy and...

    Things went way better than expected.
    [...] He seemed very excited and upbeat about the trip to which I responded every single time with ''yeah, but that means leaving me behind.'' There were times he didn't respond to me and other times he playfully said ''you'll move on.''
    [...]
    I guess I'm left with a big question mark. Now what? Perhaps I should yield to the advice given and be his friend. In 2 years when he comes back, perhaps I can welcome him back. If not, perhaps other opportunities will come my way. I just hate the thought of letting him ''get away.'' My worst enemy is timing and it seems to strike at the most inopportune times.


    Glad that you met him and had a fun time. He seems to have a healthy realistic attitude.
    Let this be a learning experience for you. Take chances in love and if necessary learn how to accept heartbreak gracefully. You may even find your true love and LTR partner as a result.
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    Mar 21, 2012 3:52 AM GMT
    hou2jax saidUpdate:

    So I met this guy and...

    Things went way better than expected. Clearly this guy seems very interested in me and I in him. It was slightly awkward at first but we quickly warmed up to one another. We had lunch and then he showed me around his university and then we went back to his place.

    Every move that was made, he initiated (including him pinning me to the bed and kissing me). We wrestled, laughed, watched funny videos and insulted one another (in a playful way).

    It was very evident that he was interested in me. But one thing still loomed over it all-----the move overseas. He seemed very excited and upbeat about the trip to which I responded every single time with ''yeah, but that means leaving me behind.'' There were times he didn't respond to me and other times he playfully said ''you'll move on.'' He said I was free to come visit him but going to Australia is simply too far. I can't afford the airline ticket much less a week in food and leisure activities.

    Btw, I'm taking donations if anybody wants to help get me there icon_smile.gif jk

    I really appreciate the responses to this topic. I guess I'm left with a big question mark. Now what? Perhaps I should yield to the advice given and be his friend. In 2 years when he comes back, perhaps I can welcome him back. If not, perhaps other opportunities will come my way. I just hate the thought of letting him ''get away.'' My worst enemy is timing and it seems to strike at the most inopportune times.



    Right ON!

    ...so even though parting was sweet sorrow, I think you've learned something more about the kind of man that you like. Perhaps this one is indeed worth saving and planning a trip for, eh?

    -Doug

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    Mar 21, 2012 4:01 AM GMT
    I think it's great that the OP took the opportunity - the future is broad and one never knows what options may lie ahead for both parties. I think it's better to have known that THAT kind of person is out there for you - and he is not the only one(!). You will connect with others... or reconnect somehow with this guy if you both want it to happen enough. Give opportunity a chance. icon_biggrin.gif