hating myself

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    hi all. Its been ages since i was last on here.
    I think i came to realise today that a lot of my depression stems from being gay, even though i accept it and have been out of the closet for two years. Im 20 turning 21 in september. Last year i was diagnosed with severe depression with social anxiety disorder anh schizotypal disorder. I've been on different medications with a psychiatrist and the only decent one only numbs my pain a little.
    When i was 18 i moved from new zealand to western australia, to be closer to my sisters. All my work experience is only fast food. I quit this year out of frustration. I dream of studying at uni and becoming successful, cunning and well known. Already im almost 21 and i've done nothing with my life while most my old school peers in NZ are well into their degrees. I waste my time with hate and regret.

    In australia i met a few gay guys through the web, for the first time. After a date with the first one, i broke down at home and cried my eyes out - over everything, mainly myself feeling useless. My dates just turned out to be sexed up gays with their only goal in life to sleep around. After my mental condition became more serious i tried to pretended i didn't want to meet other gay people.

    This year, i quit my job and used my savings to holiday for a month around australia. I have relatives brisbane qld and this was my first stop. Prior to leaving my little sister in high school in brisbane suggested i take the number of a 16yo gay guy in her class. I agreed and chatted frequently with him through texts. All the time i knew nothing was going to become of this friendship: we had nothing in common, we live 1000s of kms apart, he has heaps of facebook friends and is surrounded by many other out gays at school. I knew if i met him it could be my undoing. Back in my day at school there were no 'out' guys at school, now it seems to be the thing today to be gay and sexualised from an early ages.

    I prefer younger guys, probably because i regret my featureless and friendless teenage years. I feel like im missing out on everything, like im miles behind other gays here in all sorts of things. I was getting really anxious prior to meeting the gay. While i was really attracted to him could not relate to anything. The date was utterly pointless but i stupidly gave in to making out with him and holding him all night. Knowing that i was leaving this city in only a few days and we had absolutely nothing in common. And that he seemed to have plenty of experience and was still only at school.

    The next day i had a heavy burden, but wanted to see him again. He never made contact until the end of the day. I was feeling very alone, useless and old. Eventually all the past weeks events came crashing down and i spent the rest of last night crying my eyes out. I ignored him this morning, realising that making contact would keep destroying me. There were some domestic issues at my relatives house and i fled to the city to stay in a backpacker for my last few days here and to be alone. I kept seeing happy people wherever i looked. And numerous gay guys who had a life and were lightyears ahead of me. I was jealous, sick and hated being 20 and being gay. I have no trust left, only paranoia. So i had a meltdown in the street and had to hide away to get over my crying.my sisters know what im going through but there is little they do in regards to my age crisis and gay hatred. I know tomorrow im going to cry again.

    Im not ever going to contact this boy again because it can only mean doom. Yet i still have feelings for him, because im gay and gay people apparently are so sexed up and can't keep it in their pants. What am i to do? ;(
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2012 2:33 PM GMT

    "Yet i still have feelings for him, because im gay and gay people apparently are so sexed up and can't keep it in their pants."

    They are? You just described a large number of straight people we know.


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    Mar 14, 2012 11:50 PM GMT
    If you can/can afford it, get the hell back to the psychiatrist and have him figure out a medication/combination of meds that help. This may take a while and several false starts. But heavy depression is not something you should have to go through without chemical help.

    Once you are successfully medicated talk to a counselor about getting the different things in life you want like a degree, a good job, friends, a boyfriend, be comfortable being gay etc.

    Posts: 22

    Mar 15, 2012 3:10 AM GMT
    "Already im almost 21 and i've done nothing with my life while most my old school peers in NZ are well into their degrees. I waste my time with hate and regret."

    Indeed you do. It's only appropriate to regret or take pride in one's choices in life past the age of 30. I do it all the time. icon_wink.gif In all seriousness though you do realise that 20 is very very young. It's Iway too early to have regrets. Who cares about how successful you perceive your peers to be? They can have all kinds of problems that you don't even know about.

    Just out of curiosity, what kind of meds are you taking (the generic names)? I've been on all kinds of RXs. Everyone is an individual, and some work better than others. If you've been on these medications for several months and you find no significant effect, it's your right to discuss other treatment options with your psych. If he/she's a good psychiatrist he/she will happily oblige. Be weary of doctors that are reluctant to do so.

    Do you exercise regularly? While it's definitely not a panacea and some studies offer conflicting results, regular exercise definitely improves the moods of many people. Maybe your meds will work better if you combine them with moderately intense exercise (assuming you do not already engage in this), provided, of course, that they are not causing side effects that make physical activity really difficult (difficulty in regulating body temperature, extreme thirst, etc.).
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    Mar 15, 2012 3:14 AM GMT
    you are 21 and have the rest od your life ahead of you - get back to a good psychologist for therapy and a psychiatrist for meds. it will only get better if you try.
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    Mar 15, 2012 3:27 AM GMT
    I have had similar thoughts and feelings like yours a couple of years ago, and even now, trust me, those feelings come back to me from time to time. I do not know your situation exactly, but I wonder how your coming-out was with your friends and family. Did they accept you as who you are? Being a homosexual, for me, I concluded, that just having a normal life, whatever it is, but just sexually drawn to the same sex. Like you acknowledge, the society is becoming more accepting, although it all depends on individuals' situations, so you shouldn't feel bothered, if you're comfortable and confident around your identity.

    And it's not because you're gay that you cannot be with someone you like or love and spend time with him. You just have not found someone that really clicks with you yet. You have heaps of years ahead of you, so you should be rather focusing on developing yourself in searching for what you'd love to do, whether a job or a hobby or exercise, and along the way meet people with healthy mind, and make friends, develop relationship; with the people whom you can share your thoughts and worries and be comfortable being who you are.

    Do not compare yourself with others too much. Use them as motivation, not to evoke jealousy within yourself. You need to hold a control of it, otherwise it will take you over. Counter-argue those thoughts with positive mind whenever they come round. All those perfect-looking successful people, a lot of them have gone through their own dark age and also struggle with their own jealousy towards people who are even better then them.

    I often hate my current job, and am thinking of getting a degree again. I will meet those youngster who are 9-10 years younger than I am, and I'd be thinking, why I wasted those numerous years behind. But I believe everyone has a different pace in life. Some people are faster, others slower, but not everyone completes the race.

    Easier said than done, I know, but why don't you start writing down your goals, taking a couple of things you will be able to achieve? But before that, write a letter to yourself; spit out every bit of your honest feelings, acknowledge you are somehow hurt, touch that wound, and remind yourself you have "you" that will take care of you through difficult times foremost. You are a able young man who can travel around, and make friends. Take a look around and thank those who support you.

    I sound so bloody cheesy but thought to put my idea b/c I've experienced similar feelings and thoughts. Cheers. All the best. I hope you'll be able to encourage those in need of advice later on in your life when you are much happier and able to help others.
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    Mar 15, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    I have to say that I have been through alot of similar things. Diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety. I have suffered from Panic Attacks and I quit my job and went to Panama City FLorida.

    I hated being gay and I am still not 100 percent ok with it. I thought coming out would make me feel better but I don'tfeel better. There is a void in my life like something is missing. SOmetimes I feel like I want to be alone and just move away and start over. I wanted to kill myself but I did not because of my beliefs, but you know what...

    You have to start speaking positive things on you. Tell yourself good things. Even if you dont believe them the mind naturally takes things that are said all the time as truth. WHich is why when we are called ugly or pretty after a while it stays in our head.

    Whenever you think of things that make you said, think of something that makes you happy. Write down your feelings. Express them and cry if you need to. Let it out. I wrote a book with all my issues and sadness.

    I bet you could be around 100 people and still feel alone. I know the feelings. Hell you can talk to me.

    You are going through these issues for a reason, please don't let it destroy you. You are meant from something great which is why you suffer. Life is hard but don't be hard on yourself.

    It's hard to believe it gets better or things will change when they been so bad for a long time, but it starts with you. Just with little things. Do things that make you feel good.

    I will pray for you.
    I hope you can find your joy...I am pretty sure you will.
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    Mar 15, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    Go to sea. Seriously, try to get a job on a yacht and get the hell out of dodge for a while. Out there, you'll learn more about yourself, gain new experiences, see new places, meet new faces and come back later totally different, yet still "you".

    Best of luck on your endeavors.
  • okcomputer201...

    Posts: 132

    Mar 16, 2012 1:51 PM GMT
    You should try waiting tables. I work the night shift at a diner and the customers are awesome. It's a great way to meet new people and you will make way more money than you would at a fast food restaurant. Start somewhere low-key (but not too low-key) and then work your way up to a more expensive restaurant. You can make some serious money waiting tables.

    Remember: Starting a new job is never easy. Whatever you do, give it a few weeks. You'll become acclimated in no time!

    Also remember: People aren't property. If the attraction isn't mutual (or you find that the circumstances are unfavorable), move on. There are 3.5 billion men out there. Some of them are nice, some of them are teases, some of them are douche bags. It's all about trial and error.
  • kanzanrr

    Posts: 11

    Mar 21, 2012 11:21 PM GMT
    My dates just turned out to be sexed up gays with their only goal in life to sleep around.........................I prefer younger guys,

    Perhaps looking toward people who are older would help, not necessarily for sex, basic campanionship/friendship is really important. Agree with others that some therapy could be helpful. I've had several different therapists years ago, if one seems lacking, try another. Wishing you the best.
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    Mar 21, 2012 11:42 PM GMT
    you need a mentor an older guy not for sex, just a friend. Your coming out of puberty into adulthood, your feelings are normal.