How can someone want to be in a relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    The quote from this post in this headline is somewhat misleading. I have always thought about relationships, their pros, their cons, and well I cant figure out why or how someone can have so much feeling for someone else that they would stay with them, be with them, care for them, hang with them, and have a loving relationship with them. In my head I don't ever see someone looking at me and saying wow, I wanna love you. I just always envisioned a fuck bud, or someone who is a friend.

    When I find out someone likes me, things go well during the first 2 weeks but then seem to crumble after that. I am out going, fun, I plan things, I enjoy trying new places, I enjoy nights out, as well as in with a movie, yet I can't seem to get a guy to stick. I try not to be over sensitive about things, be fun, but tell them what I want. I enjoy times out for dinner, dancing, etc etc but as time progresses, I hear less and less from them.

    After 10 years or trying to find a boyfriend, with my longest relationship being 2 weeks, I have figured out that maybe this whole relationship thing isn't for me.
    I have had offers from men in their 40's+ that I could be their "boyfriend" and they would love me cherish me and care for me in anyway what so ever. Most of the men that are into me seem to not catch my eye on the physical attraction spectrum. Lately, Ive been trying to date a guy who lives about 30 min from me. He seems sweet, outgoing and somewhat of a good catch. We enjoy each others company and he seems very affectionate when he is well, "drunk". When he isn't drunk he well isn't closed off but, today seemed like things were off. He always "has to go" and never wants to spend more time with me I guess. But then why would he drive the 30 minutes to hang out with me. It doesn't really make any sense. We both wanted to wait of having sex so we could get to know each other a little more. He has told me many times that he would like to be intimate with me but, he seems fearful of what the aftermath will bring. Sometimes the anxiety this new experience brings to me makes me want to just end it and not have to even worry about all this courting. Being alone and single is so much easier. Fearing he has absolutely NO interest in me, I shut down and just want to get away from him as quick as possible.

    This morning he woke up, was laying in my bed and I was in my office working. He came in gave me a tap on the shoulder then walked back out and went back to bed. After sleeping for 3 more hours, I finished work and went to go see how he was doing. He was laying in bed asleep so I crawled into bed. I realized he was naked and laying in me bed, so I spooned him a little then wanted to surprise, him. I got naked then pushed my body up against his and we spooned. After he woke up a little bit I told him I was naked, and he just laughed a little, then I noticed he was putting the blankets in between us. This made me feel INSANELY unattractive, almost repulsive. I instantly shut down. He got up and said, well I got to go, "wanna go to starbucks with me"? I said sure, we went to starbucks but all I could feel was this uneasy feeling like I was something that disgusted him. We went to starbucks and instead of sitting down he said, WELL i g2g soooo did you want me to take you back home or did you have something you had to do downtown... in my head I am like what in the hell!? I should already know this guy isn't interested in me like that, and it seemed like he wasn't interest in me once I well, "took my clothes off".


    How do people get others to fall in love with them, or even want to spend more time with them. It seems like I have a hard time keeping someone's interest but the guy down the street who has taken guys from me before seems to have it all. He always lands the ones I get 1 date out of, and let me tell you, for being 5'2, probably 30lbs over weight, and a total recluse..... HOW does he do it?!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 3:50 AM GMT
    haha... i dont want to come across as the 'old man offering you the sun and the moon'... even thought i would.. icon_wink.gif but that guy must be blind and stupid. You are young, incredibly hot, and probably quite a decent man ( at least you seem aware on a higher level, of what a man needs)
    It is totally there loss... Really.. while it doesnt seem like it now, you will meet the 'one' if that is what you want. In the mean time, enjoy some free meals if you can... LOL...
    hugs bud
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    Thanks for that icon_smile.gif

  • Mar 17, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    You are still young, so there is plenty of time to experiment. On the other hand, if you would like to settle down, then not having sex right away can be a good policy. It will really screen out the people who are only physically attracted to you but do not have the basis for something longer term.

    Don't get me wrong. I miss falling in love sometime. It is romantic, exciting, and honestly takes very little actual work. Staying in a relationship, on the other hand, takes lots of discipline, dedication, and will power. And no one can predict whether two people will grow in the same pace and want the same thing decades later.

    The reward from a relationship can be great. Having someone to buy grocery together, to cuddle for an hour per day, to trust, to grow old together, is wonderful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    Do you want to have so much feeling for someone that you think you could stay with them, be with them, care ofr them, hang with them and having a [long] loving relationship?

    It sounds like you do, and you just haven't had one of those relationships.

    My immediate reaction to that is, wow that's kind of sad. I don't mean that in a offensive or mean way, just that you haven't found someone who pushes all those buttons for you.

    I don't really have any secrets that I could put into words. When I meet someone, I usually make it a rule to get to know them first and after talking to them if I feel comfortable around them its a sign to me that things can move forward. That element beyond a physical attraction is really important to me.

    The idea that someone could have deep and un-agenda based love for someone was a foreign idea to me until I met someone who gave that kind of love to me. To me, that's the entire goal of having a relationship. I can have sex with anyone but seeking a relationship is more than just finding someone who can be your friend you have sex with.

    If you really want that type of relationship (maybe you don't) then you have to work on being open and honest with your partner. You can't just let things unfold and introspect to yourself. For example, when he started to put the blankets between you.. you should have asked him whats wrong. Even if ultimately he still left, it could tell you something about yourself.....but more likely something about him (his own insecurity).

    I can't say it won't end any differently for you if you do this, but by talking about what you're thinking, you will get feedback (good and bad) about how you approach relationships and refine your methods.

    My first "serious" relationship I made so many mistakes and was just auwful to the guy. I treated his gift of showing me true love in a very negative way. But I learned. I learned what not to do and what I did right. I miss him terribly but my life has only gotten better since then.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 17, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    I think it all starts with identifying what you want and want out of life...... I would make it a point to converse with guys enough so you know where they are coming from and wanting.... find those that seem to match your interests, personality (at least some degree of commonality) before you ever start the physical thing... meaning GET TO KNOW THEM! Work toward a relationship together. After two weeks, I'd just call it getting acquainted.
    Good luck with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    I don't know why I fall for people.. I just do I guess
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 17, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    When you find the "right" guy, you WILL change your mind!

    I have always considered myself a rather "cold-natured", undemonstrative person, immune to the variable concept of "love", above all that emotional bullshit, until I fell hard for the guy I am with now.



    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    Rather than shutting yourself off - I think you need to just have a talk with the guy and let him know how you feel.

    There seem to be crossed signals going on here. - He may not be disgusted by you - but nervous about something.

    I think being open about it will either - let you know it's time to end it - or let you know where to proceed. But playing the mixed signal game is just making you feel bad.

    Edit: Also, you are a very attractive guy. You seem like a genuinely nice and interesting person. Anyone would be lucky to have you.
  • muscletruk

    Posts: 109

    Mar 17, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    to me love is magical and very unpredictable. i have a dear friend that is completely "my type" and love him very much, but there is no romantic spark. I've met men and fallen hard for them , but they have not returned my feelings . love is something that happens at 1st and over time blossoms into something strong and amazing. there's nothing like spooning with the man you love and feeling like you just can't get close enough icon_smile.gif
    all that being said, you can't push it or make it happen. be careful you don't tri to hard. if you feel someone doesn't feel as you do, talk about it, and if it doesn't feel right move on.
    always remember it's better to be alone then in a bad relationship.
    continue to work on yourself and be the man you want to be with. I think that makes you more attractive. and try not to do the "INSTA boyfriend" thing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    I remember being your age and thinking the same things, but I was no way close to being as handsome and sexy as you are. lol

    Maybe you're just trying too hard. If you are trying too hard, you'll come across as needy and that scares some men away.... at the first hint of emotional neediness.

    I was 31 when I finally met my partner. The love evolved over time and 20 years later it is still evolving and deepening. It took several months to realize that I had started to fall in love with the man.

    I will share something else... I've often heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I've heard people refer to being able to read what is in someone's eyes... Me.. never. I could never tell anything by looking into someone's eyes. BUT.... with my partner, when he looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. It is a look of something so deep that there is no final depth. It almost breaks my heart with pain at how much love I can see and sense in his eyes.

    When I look at him, I get such a feeling of my heart being so full, I feel like it will explode.....and yes.. it is that way after almost 20 years and every day it just gets deeper and stronger.

    We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but now we are "settled" into our relationship and probably know one another better than any other person knows either one of us.

    That love does exist. I see many couples that love one another, but more often than not, I see couples that I know have never, and will never have the love we experience. You can see it, feel it with them.

    The day will come that your soul mate, your Mr. Right will walk into your life. It may not be easy to build a relationship at first, but it will be worth all the broken hearts, all the pain, all the feelings of rejection you've been through.

    You'll know it's right when you realize that your biggest fear in life is losing your other half, or having to survive alone.

    You are extremely sexy and incredibly handsome. The reason you have not had good results is because, you just haven't met the right one, but you WILL. It may take a few years, but you will meet him.

    Good luck.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidI remember being your age and thinking the same things, but I was no way close to being as handsome and sexy as you are. lol

    Maybe you're just trying too hard. If you are trying too hard, you'll come across as needy and that scares some men away.... at the first hint of emotional neediness.

    I was 31 when I finally met my partner. The love evolved over time and 20 years later it is still evolving and deepening. It took several months to realize that I had started to fall in love with the man.

    I will share something else... I've often heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I've heard people refer to being able to read what is in someone's eyes... Me.. never. I could never tell anything by looking into someone's eyes. BUT.... with my partner, when he looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. It is a look of something so deep that there is no final depth. It almost breaks my heart with pain at how much love I can see and sense in his eyes.

    When I look at him, I get such a feeling of my heart being so full, I feel like it will explode.....and yes.. it is that way after almost 20 years and every day it just gets deeper and stronger.

    We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but now we are "settled" into our relationship and probably know one another better than any other person knows either one of us.

    That love does exist. I see many couples that love one another, but more often than not, I see couples that I know have never, and will never have the love we experience. You can see it, feel it with them.

    The day will come that your soul mate, your Mr. Right will walk into your life. It may not be easy to build a relationship at first, but it will be worth all the broken hearts, all the pain, all the feelings of rejection you've been through.

    You'll know it's right when you realize that your biggest fear in life is losing your other half, or having to survive alone.

    You are extremely sexy and incredibly handsome. The reason you have not had good results is because, you just haven't met the right one, but you WILL. It may take a few years, but you will meet him.

    Good luck.....


    What a lovely story! Thanks for sharing icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    stop thinking
    start feeling
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    You don't need to make any decisions about what is right for you, whether you are not meant for a relationship, etc. I'm afraid there must be something happening on your end if you've never been able to date someone for more than two weeks. To me that would translate into two dates. Maybe you are not ready YET. Keep dating guys you find interesting. If dates go bad and you feel discouraged, stop dating for a while. The right guy can pop up when you least expect it. You don't have to be "looking" to find him. Just do whatever you want to do and let things develop naturally.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 17, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    buddy, you seem to have a few insecurities that you might want to work on. not to mention, you sound a bit jaded and bitter. has someone broken your heart or disappointed you? by the way, didn't the guy say he wanted to wait to have sex with you? i am not sure how old you are but you come off as being very young and insecure about who you are and what you bring to the table. i am sure you are a great guy but no one will ever know it if you are shutting down before people actually get a chance to know you. i mean you got upset because he did not make a pass at you while you were in bed. listen, i say stay single and focus on what you bring to a relationship. i say just go on dates and figure what you want in a guy and out of a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidI remember being your age and thinking the same things, but I was no way close to being as handsome and sexy as you are. lol

    Maybe you're just trying too hard. If you are trying too hard, you'll come across as needy and that scares some men away.... at the first hint of emotional neediness.

    I was 31 when I finally met my partner. The love evolved over time and 20 years later it is still evolving and deepening. It took several months to realize that I had started to fall in love with the man.

    I will share something else... I've often heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I've heard people refer to being able to read what is in someone's eyes... Me.. never. I could never tell anything by looking into someone's eyes. BUT.... with my partner, when he looks at me, I can see the love in his eyes. It is a look of something so deep that there is no final depth. It almost breaks my heart with pain at how much love I can see and sense in his eyes.

    When I look at him, I get such a feeling of my heart being so full, I feel like it will explode.....and yes.. it is that way after almost 20 years and every day it just gets deeper and stronger.

    We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but now we are "settled" into our relationship and probably know one another better than any other person knows either one of us.

    That love does exist. I see many couples that love one another, but more often than not, I see couples that I know have never, and will never have the love we experience. You can see it, feel it with them.

    The day will come that your soul mate, your Mr. Right will walk into your life. It may not be easy to build a relationship at first, but it will be worth all the broken hearts, all the pain, all the feelings of rejection you've been through.

    You'll know it's right when you realize that your biggest fear in life is losing your other half, or having to survive alone.

    You are extremely sexy and incredibly handsome. The reason you have not had good results is because, you just haven't met the right one, but you WILL. It may take a few years, but you will meet him.

    Good luck.....





    This is the most beautiful message I've ever read here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    The way I see it.... either you are having bad luck, or perhaps there is something you are unknowingly doing that is pushing people away or making them run. Your perspective sounds a lot like mine when I feel hopeless about meeting someone.... I'm like what's the point?

    So to answer your question, why can someone want a relationship. Well... perhaps because we are social creatures. We need love and affection, of some kind. Its funny because I sometimes say, "relationships are so stupid." Because they seem to be. Many people I know are in relationships that appear to be quite unhealthy. For some reason people put up with the bullshit. I guess for them they get more out of being someone and putting up with BS than they do from being single.

    But I think underneath it all, we all have fantasies. Like, really crazy, movie-like fantasies about love. I was watching all of these disney videos on youtub the other day, and stumbled upon one from Sleeping Beauty. She's wandering around the forest, picking flowers, alone.... singing about love and wondering if she'll ever find someone to love her. Magically her prince finds her and they are dancing around. I know it sounds totally crazy - but those fantasies, whether they come to us from popular culture, or if they come partially from an innate drive to be with someone.... they affect us. And I think that's why people are so driven to find someone.



    The messages we are given about finding others are extremely powerful. Like, they incite a visceral reaction in us. If you watch that video and think about all of the messages delivered in it.. it's really quite astounding. And this is what we are barraged with on a DAILY basis from multiple sources.

    It sounds to me like you actually DO want a relationship but are finding it hard to find someone. This is normal.... give yourself time, and try not to go too quickly. I think there's nothing that's more of a death sentence to a relationship than going too fast. If they dont stick, well, I suppose it just wasnt meant to be! That's how I look at it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    PaulNKS said, "You'll know it's right when you realize that your biggest fear in life is losing your other half, or having to survive alone."


    ...and you fear the reverse as well, if you go first and leave your love struggling on in grief without you.

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • Ridiculance

    Posts: 40

    Mar 19, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    You're gorgeous man. Don't let anyone make you feel ugly. You. Are. Sexy. I'd sweep you off your feet if I could ;) haha. No but really, a guy will make you feel all those things. Having patience and waiting sucks. It may feel like forever. I'd suggest just being Open to getting to know guys and not wanting a LTR right off the back. Some guys like to use attractive men (with hearts) like yourself for their own pleasure. icon_neutral.gif I know it's not fun but you'll get your special someone icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    7Famark saidSounds like you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
    Boy arent you just full of piss and vinegar today.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    7Famark saidSounds like you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
    Boy arent you just full of piss and vinegar today.icon_rolleyes.gif


    I am full of piss and vinegar because the idea of someone abandoning their dog because they are too much of a bitch to take care of it disgusts me?

    Fail.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    7Famark said
    TropicalMark said
    7Famark saidSounds like you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
    Boy arent you just full of piss and vinegar today.icon_rolleyes.gif


    I am full of piss and vinegar because the idea of someone abandoning their dog because they are too much of a bitch to take care of it disgusts me?

    Fail.
    That isnt THIS poster/thread.. You cant do two things at once? How sad. Thankfully you don't/won't have children.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    7Famark said
    TropicalMark said
    7Famark saidSounds like you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
    Boy arent you just full of piss and vinegar today.icon_rolleyes.gif


    I am full of piss and vinegar because the idea of someone abandoning their dog because they are too much of a bitch to take care of it disgusts me?

    Fail.
    That isnt THIS poster/thread.. You cant do two things at once? How sad. Thankfully you don't/won't have children.icon_rolleyes.gif


    .....For someone that thinks he is a hard-ass, your responses are frequently juvenile and lame....

    You are the one that thought Paul's actions were justified, so logically, YOU are unfit to have/raise children. Idiot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    I have similar complaints and my older, wiser, great uncle always tells me that I "shop" in the wrong places and tells me to stop expecting someone I met in a bar or the gym to be relationship material.

    There also isn't any pressure at all in the gay community to couple. We have spent our lives feeling surpressed and controlled by society that we generally don't want to conform to what the heterosexual community deems the "traditional relationship." We also grew up seeing our parents and using their relationship as a model for what they are supposed to be. Most of us, in my experience, seem to come from pretty effed up families, so we don't see them as anything other than restrictive and unpleasent.

    Others have already given the best advice which is what I have been told over and over again: Do your thing, don't expect anyhing more than what is on the surface, take care of yourself and it will come to you when the time is right. It will just click.

    Also, I think when he tapped you on the shoulder and went back to bed you missed a signal. That he was naked when you finally got there means to me he was waiting for you, but you let 3 hours go by. He may have been put off by that. Maybe he just wanted you naked and next to him instead of working. Sounds romantic to me and even if it wasn't so, I'd rather believe it to be so.

    You're totally cute. I'd want to take you out. icon_smile.gif