Mature guys who have just come out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    Is it wrong for me to want a guy roughly my age with roughly the same amount of time as an Out Gay Man?




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    Mar 17, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidIt's not wrong,, but it going to be tough finding one that just now came out as well.

    Maybe not ... there are still a lot out their that are not ... grindr, gay.com, and manhunt. etc. are full of them. I've had a number of married men hit me up.


    And many, if not most, of those guys are never going to come out.
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    Mar 17, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    This thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 17, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    Thanks guys good food for thought. I normally dont care if a guy has only recently come out (im thinking its a mid life crisis issue for heaps of guys) but just lately the ones Ive met are "living the teenage gay lifestyle" going clubbing, being out and loud etc etc. Look thats all good and fine, but meh. I did all that years ago and I do like the idea of sharing that experience with a man. Although I do love a glass of red on the couch these days on a saturday night and the local gay club is so....
    I guess I wonder if they can catch up relatively quickly in your experience?

    As tonight Im going on a date with a guy who... lets just say is at the begining of his journey and coming out of a long M/F marriage. icon_confused.gif

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    Mar 17, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    I've often wondered if guys that have been out for a long time avoid guys just going through the process. After all, its quite the roller coaster ride, and there's some baggage that needs to be processed, and I suppose you are in a different place in life - when you've had years to come to terms with your sexuality. I just get the sense that some guys avoid me. After all who wants to be the ward of a newbie - who has yet to figure out who he really in terms of his gay identity. And who kinda wants to try it all at least onceicon_twisted.gif. I wish there was a fast track through the process.
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    Mar 17, 2012 1:11 PM GMT
    dtmyh saidIs it wrong for me to want a guy roughly my age with roughly the same amount of time as an Out Gay Man?

    Oh, honey, just keep piling on those "criteria" that your man must meet.....and watch your "man pool" shrink to non-existent. icon_wink.gif

  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Mar 17, 2012 1:15 PM GMT
    @OP You are barely 42 yo, I still wouldn't put you in the "mature" compartment. IMHO you only qualify after you reach 50. Of course, I have no way to tell your intellectual maturity level, but that is for another thread.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Mar 17, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    Personally a "newly out" middle aged gay guy is probably a "red flag" of caution. Don't know if I would "avoid" him, but probably would be a little cautious as the OP mentioned above. I know some that suddenly revert to a 20 something with the clubs, wanting to see what its all about (and I can understand that).... but thats not where I am... I'm pretty balanced and
    that's where the issue would start.
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    Mar 17, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    I think you're mistaking lifestyle priorities with the duration of 'out time' and making a false assumption that over time, the 'club kid' goes away, and that recently out gay men need to go through a certain sequence of events which may include going to clubs drugs a slut phase.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with narrowing your criteria--wanting to meet someone who shares similar interests and disinterests is pretty normal. You might just want to think about what it is exactly that turns you off or on, as opposed to applying a false proxy and missing that fantastic guy who's not been as long out as you but shares your priorities.
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    Mar 17, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    Not at all wrong, I do agree with you...

    In fact I think that the guys who have recently come out in their 30s or 40s plus are likely to be trying to catch up on the experiences they haven't had yet - unless you're wanting to have a lot of "complicated" emotional issues and confusion, its not such a bad idea to let them get it out of their systems for a year...

    that doesn't mean you cant be freindly and supportive and share - just don't invest in a relationship too much..

    PLUS.. Sexually a lot of guys are like kids in the candy shop - sometimes without the knowledge of safe(r) sex practices - the normal, responsible and mature approach to sex of someone who's in that age group may be absent..

    Don't flame - its just a personal opinion.

    Hope your date goes well though icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:06 PM GMT
    It's never wrong to want something. But, it's always hard to find that special someone. Don't worry about age so much; it's not that important.
  • mybud

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    Mar 17, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    dtmyh saidIs it wrong for me to want a guy roughly my age with roughly the same amount of time as an Out Gay Man?




    Some guys that just come out want to play the field...The lack of proper time to feel his oats may cause dating and relationship problems...just a thought...
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    Nothing wrong with wanting or hoping for ANYthing.

    Only a problem if you eliminate great guys because they don't fit a wish-list criteria.

    Use it for rough ideas but not for absolute determinations.
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    dtmyh saidIs it wrong for me to want a guy roughly my age with roughly the same amount of time as an Out Gay Man?




    it's a bit picky which makes me wonder whether you are ready for a relationship
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    When I came out of my marriage to a woman, I was so NOT ready for a commitment . I had no idea how to date in that era (serial, hookingup, etc)
    I felt sorry for the guys who had to put up with the baggage (now gone)

    Fast forward. My present partner has a similar background. Came out in college, went back in the closet and married, came out later. We found this to be the easiest relationship ever. Sometimes what you have in common is better than the opposites attract.
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)
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    Mar 17, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    I came out when I was 50. If had waited for someone who came out later in life, my pool would be very small, even in the SF Bay Area. It's not so much about when they came out or what experiences they've had, it's whether they are willing to stand with YOU while you experience some of those same things. This is very important to anyone who comes out, regardless of age.

    My recommendation is not to limit yourself but instead find someone with common interests and that understands that you haven't had all the experiences but wish to share some of those with someone special. I think there are many guys that would love to watch and re-experience all sort of things with their man, if they love him.
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:12 PM GMT
    Iceblink said
    AMoonHawk said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidIt's not wrong,, but it going to be tough finding one that just now came out as well.

    Maybe not ... there are still a lot out their that are not ... grindr, gay.com, and manhunt. etc. are full of them. I've had a number of married men hit me up.


    And many, if not most, of those guys are never going to come out.


    Because many of them are bisexual and do not see the point, certainly if they are pseudo straight guys with a wife and kids, and happy with their choice.
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    physax said
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)


    Being out at around six. I myself find this so old to be out, certainly if you knew in your teens or as young as I was. So now I am 50 I have been out for 40+ years, in a time when it was fare from being safe and accepted, a time when men did not have the balls to come out.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:25 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidI came out at 50....


    Wow eb, and I thought I was a late bloomer at 47!!!

    I would add that it can also provide for a bonding opportunity, assuming one is far enough along coming to terms with all the changes. For my part, I'd say I am still grieving some of my losses (not sure if you had a similar experience). So while I have dated some, I know I am no where near ready to get into a relationship. I have been pretty clear about this to most of the guys I've been out with. Although I must admit, I wasn't aware of that with the first guy, and he probably got hurt.
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    TrueBlueAussie said
    physax said
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)


    Being out at around six. I myself find this so old to be out, certainly if you knew in your teens or as young as I was. So now I am 50 I have been out for 40+ years, in a time when it was fare from being safe and accepted, a time when men did not have the balls to come out.icon_biggrin.gif


    wow-you are so wonderful and so brave - and the least self-absorbed man in here - a true little Aussie battler!!
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    TrueBlueAussie said
    physax said
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)


    Being out at around six. I myself find this so old to be out, certainly if you knew in your teens or as young as I was. So now I am 50 I have been out for 40+ years, in a time when it was fare from being safe and accepted, a time when men did not have the balls to come out.icon_biggrin.gif


    what's the possibility of getting you to go back in???

    icon_neutral.gif
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    Mar 17, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    Cash said
    TrueBlueAussie said
    physax said
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)


    Being out at around six. I myself find this so old to be out, certainly if you knew in your teens or as young as I was. So now I am 50 I have been out for 40+ years, in a time when it was fare from being safe and accepted, a time when men did not have the balls to come out.icon_biggrin.gif


    what's the possibility of getting you to go back in???

    icon_neutral.gif



    Cash nails it again! handsome hot and with insight and wit!
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    Mar 18, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    ozmuscle2 said
    Cash said
    TrueBlueAussie said
    physax said
    paulflexes saidThis thread leaves me out. I came out shortly after my 21st birthday. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, told my best friend on my 21st birthday (6 days ago)


    Being out at around six. I myself find this so old to be out, certainly if you knew in your teens or as young as I was. So now I am 50 I have been out for 40+ years, in a time when it was fare from being safe and accepted, a time when men did not have the balls to come out.icon_biggrin.gif


    what's the possibility of getting you to go back in???

    icon_neutral.gif



    Cash nails it again! handsome hot and with insight and wit!


    Ha ha he certainly does.

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    Mar 18, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, it wasnt about not accepting them etc. I wondered how long In the opinons of RJ members, drawn on your experiences these guys generally go through this transformation.

    As I said it doesnt really bother me as I have a few friends who have gone through or are going through this and I do help them out with info etc. Plus I kind of saw it as expanding my dating pool as I have in the past avoided this type of guy, due to my perceptions of increased drama.

    And an update on last nights date
    Not a disaster completely, he is a nice guy but definately into playing the field, he wanted to fuck after the (short) date. Usual blah blah blah pick up/ chat up lines. I expalined to him pre date that I wasnt up for that on a first date and i think he got it in the end. His mindset was that he would have to wine and dine me in order to get me in the sack, sweet really.
    I explained that in the gay world if you want to fuck best to just say that and most of the time guys will oblige. He had loads of questions and the conversation didnt stall mostly through his eagerness to obtain information.
    It ended well I came home alone and invited him to come for a run next week after work.

    Now Next date is with an interesting character from RJ hmmm who is also 48 and just coming out.