Why is it so hard making guy friends? It is starting to bother me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    I know many gay men tend to have more female friends than male friends especially if they are out about their sexuality.
    But I am a gay male in college and pretty discreet, not out except for a few people and its assumed that I'm straight by most people (noone has every questioned my sexuality) however I find it hard to make guy friends and noticed that I have many more female friends than guys.

    I have several male aquaintances around campus that I talk to in class and BS with at parties or see at the cafe but none that I would consider my best friends that ever call me up to hangout, grab a beer, go to a party, come play video games in their dorm or do anything that bests friends usually do. The extent of everything is some conversations in classes and stuff.

    I know its not because I'm gay that I don't have close male friends because I know many gay men who are on campus who are out and are much more flambouyant than me and have several male best friends and are freinds with the most manly men such as the football players. I don't even have many gay male friends who know I'm gay as well. I try to talk to them but they kinda brush me off and would rather be with their straight friends.

    Why do you think this is? I'm a senior with 6 weeks left to the semester and although I will be a fifth year, many of the people my age will be graduating and I will have gone through college with making like no male best friends and it is starting to bother me.
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    Mar 18, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    It's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.
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    Mar 18, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Mar 18, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    There is a Persian proverb :"To have a friend, a man must be a friend."
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    Mar 18, 2012 8:23 PM GMT
    commoncoll saidThere is a Persian proverb :"To have a friend, a man must be a friend."


    implying I need to be their friend first?
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Mar 18, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    CollegeDude27 said
    commoncoll saidThere is a Persian proverb :"To have a friend, a man must be a friend."


    implying I need to be their friend first?

    Yes. Invite them places, invite them to work out with you or have lunch or something. Talk to the people you sit around in classes- a very good way to make friends.

    You seem like the introvert type. When you talk to people ask them questions about themselves, most people have a lot to say about themselves, the more you talk to them about them, the more they like you.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 18, 2012 8:30 PM GMT
    I don't get the "fifth year" bit, but it may be a bit late to be making new friends among classmates that have been with you through 4 years already. Hang on to your female friends - they will probably be a source of male acquaintences after college. College is full of non-academic activities. Do you participate in any? That is a great place to make friends, although for you, it would seem that it would now be among younger students.

    In the long run, it doesn't matter. Life moves on. You will be starting a new life after college - moving to a new location eventually, starting a worklife. You will have another chance to acquire friendships. The post-college life is where you will make your lasting friendships. Your post reminds me of high school. A very long time in the past. Although I had lots of friends in high school, there is only 1 person out of a class of 400 that I have contact with today. I have among my friends only a couple people I was friends with in college. I may not be typical, but I doubt it.
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    Mar 18, 2012 8:41 PM GMT
    Suetonius saidI don't get the "fifth year" bit,.


    Fifth year as in with my double major and minor it will take me five years to complete. and my college is known for being a "5 year" school anyways
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    Mar 18, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    commoncoll said
    CollegeDude27 said
    commoncoll saidThere is a Persian proverb :"To have a friend, a man must be a friend."


    implying I need to be their friend first?

    Yes. Invite them places, invite them to work out with you or have lunch or something. Talk to the people you sit around in classes- a very good way to make friends.

    You seem like the introvert type. When you talk to people ask them questions about themselves, most people have a lot to say about themselves, the more you talk to them about them, the more they like you.



    I have. I would make initiatives to go out and grab drinks with people or to come to my dorm to play video games or whatever but I always tended to be brushed off in those situations when I asked
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    I know what you mean, I don't have very many close male best friends and I wish I did. But I know it's because I don't let a lot of people get close to me so it's something I need to work on.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 18, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    Another thought -
    By senior year, probably most straight guys are very involved with their girlfriends (or am I dating myself?) and don't have a lot of time to hang with other guys outside of academics. You don't say very much about yourself, but maybe you're not as outgoing as you think you are. If you really believe that you can't make friends (life can feel lonely, I'm sure), consider seeing a therapist. Besides coming out (which you don't seem to want do do now) maybe you can get some clues on how better to interact with people your age. Unless you are at some religious school, being open about being gay is not likely to be a detriment to relating to other students. (Don't think that the closeted one is giving you advice on coming out - although I have no pics up, I am totally out in life.)

    Your profile says you are into skiing and hiking (among other sports). Contract and join the Chiltern Mountain Club (Boston based, I believe - website) or some other gay outdoor/skiing group. Meet some new people and have some fun with them (the best way to make new friends this summer and next winter (too late for this winter? I don't know the snow condition sin the east.) Thus make some friends away from your closeted school situation.

    Get active in some sports activity at whatever college you're at now. If nothing else, try forming friendships with sports guys in next year's incoming class, who will also be looking to form new friends.
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    Mar 18, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    CollegeDude27 saidhangout, grab a beer, go to a party, come play video games in their dorm or do anything that bests friends usually do. The extent of everything is some conversations in classes and stuff.

    My two cents based just on the above: what you describe is more "acquaintance" than "friend" let alone "best friends". My guess (and along the lines of what commoncoll said): you don't want to ask people personal questions as a defensive measure - so they don't ask you personal questions (which you don't want to talk about because either you'd have to lie or out yourself).

    To make friends, you need to let people get close to you.
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    Mar 18, 2012 11:50 PM GMT
    CollegeDude27 said
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that
    Dude, you're [allegedly] in college. Most college guys are horn dogs. They're not going to point out girls for you unless they think you're gay, because they want them for themselves (well, that is, unless they're also gay).
  • A_1991

    Posts: 366

    Mar 19, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Whaaaaaaaaaat!? I dont have any female friends at all... You should probably join a sports team at your school if you want more male friends. Maybe join a nerdy geek club at your school or even a frat (might be too late for that). In the end does it really matter if you dont have a lot of male friends?
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Mar 19, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    CollegeDude27 said
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that


    As I've found out 99.9% of guys with more female friends than male friends are gay, so I agree, everybody already knows you're gay.
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Mar 19, 2012 12:37 AM GMT
    ohioguy12 said
    CollegeDude27 said
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that


    As I've found out 99.9% of guys with more female friends than male friends are gay, so I agree, everybody already knows you're gay.


    Outrageous number! Ugly chicks are always kept close in the friend zone.
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    Mar 19, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    CollegeDude27 said
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that


    Or they are trying to give you an opportunity to come clean...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    five years and were ambivalent till now?
    Yeah,
    you don't have an alibi.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 2:03 AM GMT
    Maybe you come across as being really independent. Independent people give off an "I'm independent" vibe which can both draw people in or intimidate people a little. This is my guess but I have a ton of male buds now through work. You'll need to start inviting them out, let them know what things are going on, get a group of people together to do something random and build relationships that way. Good luck.
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    Mar 19, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    ohioguy12 said
    CollegeDude27 said
    paulflexes saidIt's because you're not out, and everyone knows it.

    That's also why they don't question you about it. There is no question to ask.


    no they think I'm straight hence the reason they are always pointing out girls that they think would be good for me and stuff like that


    As I've found out 99.9% of guys with more female friends than male friends are gay, so I agree, everybody already knows you're gay.


    I'm not trying to argue and I don't know how to explain it but I can tell by the way thy are around me and the way they talk that they think I'm straight.. And I have have been with girls and everyone knows it because the one girls I was with loved to blab about it to people
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Mar 19, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    Most men, particularly the straight ones, bond over common interests and activities. What kinds of things are you into? That's a good place to start looking for guy friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 3:28 AM GMT
    if ur in ur 4th yr, it may be 2 late 2 make buds in college. move on. nvr know though....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Closeted Troll on Troll threading, a subspecies and minority of minorities.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 3:35 AM GMT
    Captain_Awesome saidCloseted Troll on Troll threading, a subspecies and minority of minorities.
    I was gonna stop at one drink tonight, but I need more to decipher that. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    Don't worry about all these people telling you that everyone already knows you're gay. They probably really don't. Some could assume and not say anything, but a lot of straight people are completely oblivious to the fact that someone is gay.

    And also, it's not too late to make friends even though you are going into your 5th year. But like someone else said, maybe you should do the inviting first. A lot of guys probably already have a very close nit group of friends they hang out with so it's gonna be up to you to get involved with them. Most guys I know will not turn down watching a game and having a beer (or 10). Invite them to your place for video games....