Can you be friends with a guy you used to date?

  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Mar 18, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    When I first moved to LA last may I was looking to meet/date somebody fun so I could get to know the area and meet some new people. I started dating two guys one right away seemed like a good person for a potential long term relationship, total husband material, but a little quiet and a bit of a homebody. The other was fun, outgoing and seemed to be a great guy, but just not the settle down with type. Since I was new I was looking for somebody shorter term...after a few dates with each I realized the long term potential guy was actually totally adventurous and fun, the "fun" guy started to get really needy and clingy and we hadn't even slept together yet, we tentatively had plans but nothing for sure one day and then I wasn't feeling well and asked for a raincheck, he got upset and said don't bother and that was the last I heard from him. The other guy and I kept dating and we're still going strong now, I haven't dated anybody else since and don't plan to.

    Then yesterday out of the blue the other guy texted me and asked how I've been. We texted a bit back and forth and he asked if I wanted to meet up for drinks and catch up. I told him I had a boyfriend, but if he was cool with that I'd be open to it and that I'm still looking to get some gay friends here in town. So we made plans to meet up after work next week.

    I'm going to be honest about it with my boyfriend, we don't keep secrets. But I was just wondering if you guys think it is possible to start a friendship with somebody you used to date?
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Mar 19, 2012 12:10 AM GMT
    No.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Mar 19, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    I do it. I think it depends on a person's aptitude for theatrics and emotionality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    In theory, yes, but this guy sounds like he was a flake before. I wouldn't expect him to change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    Thus far....no.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 12:32 AM GMT
    I'm friends with one of my exes. The other one... proving to take some more work but I think he will come around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    I'm sure there is potential to be friends with an ex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    Why not.. I think its possible.. The only way id say no is if it ended on bad terms like cheating or something and you wanted a clean break from them and your everyday life... But if it just ends mutually or something, then i think its very possible to just be friends...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 1:08 AM GMT
    Yes. A LOT of people are friends with people they used to date. BUT, if you're in a relationship, you should make sure your sig. other is ok with it and make sure he's included in all your activities with him. It's only fair.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    For us, there is a fine line between someone we connect with as a friend and someone we connect with romantically. All the traits of a boyfriend are usually what we would want in a friend...just add sexual attraction, compatibility in bed, and extra emotional support and you have someone you can date. If dating doesn't work out because one of those extras are missing, he'd still be a good candidate for friendship, unless the relationship ended horribly for some reason.

    I've managed to become friends with exes and guys I dated where the spark wasn't there. With a serious ex-boyfriend, though, you definitely need a cooling off period.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 1:42 AM GMT
    I'm still friends with my ex-boyfriend with whom I was together for almost 3 and a half years. My current boyfriend knows that we still keep in touch. We don't see each other often---maybe every few months or so. The good thing is that my ex and I have absolutely no physical attraction to each other whatsoever, so that probably is why becoming friends right after we broke up was so easy: we'd been in role of friends way longer than we had been lovers anyway.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Mar 19, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    I can't do it. Nothing I can do about it within myself really. I've tried in the past and it very rapidly leads to me feeling pretty depressed. Largely due to "what if" and "what could have been" type of thoughts. In my mind once I label someone as more then a friend, it's a one way trip.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 5:58 AM GMT
    Yep.. The number is up to 3 now. Two of em I hang out with almost every week.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    tautomer4314 saidI can't do it. Nothing I can do about it within myself really. I've tried in the past and it very rapidly leads to me feeling pretty depressed. Largely due to "what if" and "what could have been" type of thoughts. In my mind once I label someone as more then a friend, it's a one way trip.


    ^ This. Can you, sure. Is it easy? Def not. Can most people, I'd think not...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    I'm friends with a number of guys that I dated short-term. It can work but you must be really clear about boundaries, particularly in the scenario that you've described.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    I think it is possible, depending on the level of closeness you have had. If you guys were togehter for a long time and bonded then no,

    anytime the L word is used NO

    ANytime the person has jealousy issues, or you dumped him then NO.

    But just a basic guy you were with for a shot period of time and the breakup was mutual. Then sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 6:50 AM GMT
    Not from my experience. I'm always like :"Ah.. now I remember why it didn't work out between us icon_confused.gif "
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Mar 19, 2012 6:54 AM GMT
    So far...Yes, Yes, Kinda, Yes/No, and not really. I hope you found this helpful. icon_biggrin.gif
  • tnlifter

    Posts: 76

    Mar 19, 2012 6:58 AM GMT
    ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NOT!!!!! Remember - he is your ex for a reason. Why hang on to the same dysfunctional relationship in "friend" form? It only adds drama to an otherwise normal life. A clean break is always best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 7:00 AM GMT
    so far...no. 1 stopped talking 2 me when we broke up (he moved FAR away, and his fam stopped talking 2 me 2); 1 just disappeared although he begged me 2 nvr stop talking 2 him; and every time the most recent and i talk, we end up fighting (guess some things nvr change, we fought all the time when we were together, thus why we're no longer together).

    edit: i am friends w/ 1 guy, but it was ldr and we've nvr met in rl
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Mar 19, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    tnlifter saidABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NOT!!!!! Remember - he is your ex for a reason. Why hang on to the same dysfunctional relationship in "friend" form? It only adds drama to an otherwise normal life. A clean break is always best.


    He isn't my ex though, he was a guy I met at a bar and exchanged numbers with. We went on two dates about a week a part and texted a lot during that week, but we never slept together and were never a couple. I thought he was really cool and fun and he is the sort of person I would really like to have as a friend.
  • tnlifter

    Posts: 76

    Mar 19, 2012 7:19 AM GMT
    jackthejock said
    tnlifter saidABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NOT!!!!! Remember - he is your ex for a reason. Why hang on to the same dysfunctional relationship in "friend" form? It only adds drama to an otherwise normal life. A clean break is always best.


    He isn't my ex though, he was a guy I met at a bar and exchanged numbers with. We went on two dates about a week a part and texted a lot during that week, but we never slept together and were never a couple. I thought he was really cool and fun and he is the sort of person I would really like to have as a friend.


    But it did not work out for a reason. Then you did'nt hear from him. Then you did. He has proven his unreliability and his ability to flake out on you in even the lightest situation. Why lug that around in your life? You can get better people in your life, ones you can rely on to be there.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Mar 19, 2012 7:23 AM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saidI'm friends with one of my exes. The other one... proving to take some more work but I think he will come around.


    I like this answer.

    On another note, if you run and hide every time you bump into an ex because it was that big of a mess, maybe your exes aren't the problem. icon_cool.gif
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Mar 19, 2012 7:38 AM GMT
    tautomer4314 saidI can't do it. Nothing I can do about it within myself really. I've tried in the past and it very rapidly leads to me feeling pretty depressed. Largely due to "what if" and "what could have been" type of thoughts. In my mind once I label someone as more then a friend, it's a one way trip.



    Thank you, I think now that you said it (and I read it for the second time LOL) I realized what the issue is. I feel like last May I was trying to decide between them and before I actually got to know either of well enough to make the decision the decision was made for me. I think I want to meet up and talk with him to confirm for myself that my boyfriend is the one I would have decided to be with had both guys still been as option. I think my boyfriend is THE ONE but I want to know that he is THE ONE and not just the one available.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    I do think for some people it's possible and I've seen it happen many times... for me, however, it's never been a possibility - I really haven't had a desire to stay friends with anyone that I've dated. May change one day we'll see.
    I say give it a shot - if you mutually want to be friends it'll work out in one way or another.