"Hello Father"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 4:21 AM GMT
    So I should be asleep but have been Googling my last name instead. I found the contact information for my father with whom I haven't spoken in a good 15+ years. I have no direct animosity, but some of my siblings do. He just wasn’t part of my life, plain and simple; I'm the 2nd of 4 and was too young to remember much. I know he drank and my parents fought for a while but life goes on. That’s what I thought anyway. His picture was posted and it has stirred up a lot in me, memories I didn’t even know I had. Excitement, fear wanting to hug and/or cry, I dunno, apparently I miss my Dad : ( lol This will get emotional and that’s not something I am very good at… I always planned on finding him and getting in touch, and no one is getting younger in this scenario. I have three siblings none of whom seem keen on reaching out, but that’s their decision, not mine. Any thoughts or advice before I dive in?

    I also found some relatives abroad I am looking forward to contacting. My last name is unique and anyone with it is family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 4:25 AM GMT
    You gonna go in drag?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 4:28 AM GMT
    hadn't occurred to me, lol. I wouldn't on a typical day, so no need to take it up a notch just to say hello icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 8:39 AM GMT
    Sounds like your heart is open, which is a good place to start. My only advice is to ask yourself why you're getting in touch now or what you expect from your dad now. Maybe explore that before you get in touch so you can understand what you might expect to happen when you do make contact. You can work through what it would feel like if you didn't get what you expected. Going through that process has helped me with my family. Once I let go of expectations that weren't really feasible and just focused instead on whatever they were able to give, I was ultimately happy with the relationships. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 10:10 AM GMT
    Good advice Gym. I talked w my younger sibs about defining expectation before jumping into roommate situations, etc., and it definitely applies here. It's an easy one to forget though, lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 10:16 AM GMT
    Make sure you are ready to deal with any intense emotions that you may feel if you decide to meet him. Are you in a good place mentally and emotionally right now in your life? If you are feeling down at all I would not recommend it at least until you are older.

    Also is he ready to be contacted by you? How would he react? If his reaction disappointed you how would you react? I know I am asking more questions then you could possible answer but I just want to make sure you have thought this step through.

    My brother-in-law went through the exact same thing, except it was much more sudden and unexpected. His father literally disappeared one morning. Took up and left his wife and three boys to start a new life. My brother-in-law came across him many years later. He had a different name and was quite successful. He never talked to his father, he just let him be.
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Jul 10, 2008 11:40 AM GMT
    You say that you always planned to make contact with him,may I suggest that you do not have too high expectations on what will happen when you meet,people change with time and you are a different person now,and the small boy inside you could be disappointed in what his Dad has become .

    Talk with the rest of the family and say how you feel to get another perspective.

    Do wish you well and hope that everything will turn out for the best.

    A member of my family used to say "God gave you your family.but thank God you can choose your friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 12:05 PM GMT
    My father sent me a birthday card a few years back; I'm easy to find with Google. My birthday is Monday and that has me thinking of him again in addition to finding him online. He appears to be very religious, which is very different from me but I've walked part of that path too so that should be ok. My mother always says she isn't stopping us from contacting him and that we are all old enough to do what is right for us. My sibs may have differing opinions but we get along great, are very different and I think that will be okay too.

    I am not down at all right now, in fact I am on more of an upswing than I could have imagined since I started coming out to folks; having a good experience with that and generally being much more comfortable in my own skin (skin that's not half bad I learned after being man of the day this week, lol). It might be a bit down the road that I discuss sexuality with him though, lol. A few emails to start will be fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 12:09 PM GMT
    There was another thread here about reuniting to biological parents. I think it was PSBigJoey's? Not sure. I'll try to dig it up, it had great advice for this kind of thing.

    EDIT: Meh, I can't find it. RJ's search feature is still borked. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 2:09 PM GMT
    I think it is important to decide what sort of man YOU want to be and not worry about the sort of man your father is.
    I spent most of my life wishing my father was like the ones on TV and resented him for not measuring up. After losing him to cancer, I realized I should have focused on the thoughtful man I wanted to be and worked harder at putting myself out there, regardless of the outcome. I listened to my sisters' advice too much, and let it shape how much my father knew me. I miss him and will never have the chance to go back and do it all over again.
    Your dad has already hurt you so don't be surprised if the reunion is more of the same. You have to realize that this is about you and your emotional health more than it is about him and his. It takes a lot of energy to wonder and to guess... more than you sometimes realize. The sadness, however much it is buried , is there regardless of the outcome. If it is important for you to know him, then I would reach out while you have the opportunity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 2:40 PM GMT
    In order for you to move on this may be something you need to do, for you! I know when I decided to cut things off with my Biological Father aka Sperm Donor, that was a decision I made NOT him, although initially it was him who left. We re-connected years later because I felt like I never had the opportunity to get to know the man or the "father" and when I did I realized that I was better off w/o him around and continue on with my Step-Father as the one who was the man around for me and taught me. That's my story, take what you want/need and GOOD luck to you original714!

    Rob
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 2:41 PM GMT

    Hey original714,

    My youngest sister was adopted by my family as a baby. So, it's a little different, but there are similarities. When she decided to find her biological Mom, she talked it over with all of us
    (extremely flattering and wonderful to be in on it) and we threw all our support behind her. She found her! It was all good. Sure, her Mom had troubles. But who's judging? Her Mom came all the way out here from the east coast and spent time with all of us. (Her Mom and mine got along like lovebirds). Over time they drifted back apart some, but the connection is there and she got to know her half brothers and sister. Bill and I met her half sister last year and she is nice nice nice.

    My sister's trick? Zero expectations coupled with brilliant optimism. Sounds like you're already there!

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 10, 2008 2:48 PM GMT
    I'm with JBE60 here on this one. Have you heard from other family members that he may just wants to be alone and not bothered? I'm just worried that you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. I think it's awesome that you want to reconnect with the man whom gave you life, just make sure to dig down deep and reflect on what you want out of this possible connection.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    I know of divorced men who were smeared by their wives. They became hated and want to be reunited with their children. For whatever reason, he sent you a card. I think he wants to meet.

    If you want to meet him, don't wait until it is at a funeral. Try to meet somewhere neutral so you can both leave if you want to.

    It might help to have a trusted friend to go with you. Either this person could go with you for the meeting or wait at a nearby Starbucks. This way, you would have someone to talk over the experience with.

    It could be wonderful or terrible. It could be unsettling. However, I applaud you for trying.

    Walter
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2008 8:12 PM GMT
    Hey original, you have to do what's right for you. I wish you luck and love in what ever you do. By the Way Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 14, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    If you DON'T get or at least TRY to get in touch now - especially now it's in your heart to, in a few years time you may think it is too late to even try; THEN the day will come when it WILL be way too late and you'll be thinking "What if I HAD done it then", "What if I HAD made the connection" and those "What if's" will remain with you for the rest of your life. So go for it bud.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Jul 14, 2008 1:26 AM GMT
    I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with my parents, so my first reaction would be to tell you that you should definately contact him.

    However, I think you need to be clear about what you want from that contact. Is there an ideal father image that you'll expect him to live up to? Is there anything specific you want him to say to you?

    If you make the decision to contact him, be ready for him to be whomever he happens to be. It's easier said than done, I realize, but at least you'll remain open to meeting the man, and not a fantasy image of what you want him to be.

    Good luck, and keep us up-to-date!