Sex problems =

  • maineguy1988

    Posts: 4

    Mar 19, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    So me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months now. and the first time we tried anal, he lost his hard on within a minute or so. he told me "emotionally," he wasn't ready yet. this was about a month after we met. he was single for seven years before he met me and before that with another guy for 8 years, who cheated on him. he told me a few nights before we did it that his ex was a great bottom... (not really a turn on to hear how good his ex was in bed!!) which eventually led into him wanting to try it with me.
    he told me that anal isn't his favorite thing to do (but his ex was apparently a great bottom...?), but i've expressed to him time after time it's actually MY favorite thing to do. but he doesn't really care. he refuses to bottom. won't top. we did try it a few more times, but he lost his hard on again. most of the time during sex, i initiate it (about 90% of the time) and i give him a blowjob and he gets off then says he wants to watch me jack off... so i basically have to get myself off. he won't suck me off or do anything that i like unless i tell him to or ask him to.
    should i be concerned that after 6 months he isnt ready yet?? the problem isnt a lack of attraction, hes extremely attracted to me, i'm 6'5, 165 pds, good shape, really good looking, athletic. although i cant help but feel insecure because of this.....
    ive tried talking to him about it but he either gets defensive or changes the subject. and ive tried initiating it a few times but he gives me the whole "not in the mood lets just do oral."
    what do i do... i love pleasing him and seeing him get off but what about me? i cant be with someone that claims to not like anal sex...

  • Mar 19, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    Well, it sounds like he likes anal sex, but not necessarily with you yet.

    As much as it may hurt, ask what is so great about his ex skill in bottoming. You may learn something, or maybe it will just be a matter of you stroking him the right way, hahaha.

    On the other hand, the fact he won't return the favors or initiate sex is worrisome. Some people hesitate to try or to experiment. So they literally wait for you to tell them what to do. And maybe he doesn't want to disappoint you because he finds you very attractive. There can be performance anxiety, or he always loses erection halfway, and it is not really your problem.

    At the end, sex is not everything but it is almost everything... if it not compatible that early on, may need to cut the loss.
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    Mar 19, 2012 11:55 PM GMT
    Maybe he's mortified silly of STDs. Maybe he's got something he's afraid of. Maybe he thinks he caught something.

    Sounds like there's something he's not telling you.
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    Mar 20, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    Sometimes we get so wrapped up in a way of thinking for so long a time that it can be almost impossible to reprogram ourselves.

    I can imagine that he was incredibly hurt after spending 8 years with someone to have them violate the boundaries of the relationship. I'm guessing that since he did not see anyone after that guy for so long that he has closed himself off emotionally to others and just does not know how to function yet in a relationship. He has probably spent the last 7 years angry and bitterly thinking that there isn't someone out there for him anywhere. I would.

    You may have to face the possibility that you are not the guy he is to love next, but the guy that helps to reawaken his romantic self. I don't think you should expect this guy to be the next "one" for you, but see your role for what it is.

    Look at it this way: You got someone to let his walls down and open up again after such a long time of being alone. I think that is remarkable and you should be proud that you are in a position to help someone like this. Be patient and don't pressure him at all. Let him come around if you think it is possible, but if not then remain a friend of his. If you totally shut him out because you are disappointed yourself by the situation, you may push him back into the closet for another 7 years.
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    Mar 20, 2012 1:32 AM GMT
    LAGuy1979 saidSometimes we get so wrapped up in a way of thinking for so long a time that it can be almost impossible to reprogram ourselves.

    I can imagine that he was incredibly hurt after spending 8 years with someone to have them violate the boundaries of the relationship. I'm guessing that since he did not see anyone after that guy for so long that he has closed himself off emotionally to others and just does not know how to function yet in a relationship. He has probably spent the last 7 years angry and bitterly thinking that there isn't someone out there for him anywhere. I would.

    You may have to face the possibility that you are not the guy he is to love next, but the guy that helps to reawaken his romantic self. I don't think you should expect this guy to be the next "one" for you, but see your role for what it is.

    Look at it this way: You got someone to let his walls down and open up again after such a long time of being alone. I think that is remarkable and you should be proud that you are in a position to help someone like this. Be patient and don't pressure him at all. Let him come around if you think it is possible, but if not then remain a friend of his. If you totally shut him out because you are disappointed yourself by the situation, you may push him back into the closet for another 7 years.


    I couldn't have said it better myself!
  • maineguy1988

    Posts: 4

    Mar 20, 2012 4:05 AM GMT
    Thank you so much for that reply LA... that really makes me think about a lot of different angles of the relationship. I did forget to mention, there is quite an age gap between us. I am 24 and he will be 60 next week. It's funny because i thought he was 40 when we met. He's very very young spirited, and i'm old spirited. and we click in a way that cant be described... its just chemistry i guess. cant define it.
    But as far as outside of the bedroom we are lovebirds.. we love every second we spend with each other. I got laid off from my job and evicted from my apartment and he loaned me money to get back on my feet. He tells me he loves me all the time. Hes introduced me to all his friends, brags about me to them, loves to go anywhere with me. we both live in a small, gay friendly town so all of our friends are mutual. He's introduced me to his daughter, as well as his Sister. We both are busy during the week so we both spend weekends together, fri night-sun night. He tells me during the week not a minute goes by where he doesnt think of me. He is so good to me in countless ways, and it's mutual. When i brought up a few weeks ago that we reached our "5 months" he said its been the best 5 months of his life which makes me feel so special.
    the only issue we seem to have is going further than just oral sex. however i do have to say... the 2nd and 3rd time we did it he lasted longer. and he even said that it's becoming easier. but man... 6 months... and i'm STILL getting the same answer i got a few weeks after we started dating. I do give phenominal BJ's though so there is a possibility that stimulates him more than anal does and he'd rather just keep doing what we normally do. i happen to enjoy anal a lot more because oral does little to nothing for me.

    After he went soft he felt SO bad... he got really sad and gave me a hug and tells me he hopes i'll bare with him and wait until he's ready. I guess i was the first guy he went this far with after 7 years so I'm sure it's scaring him. He was with that guy for 8 years and before that, married to a woman, and before that another woman. so he's definitely the LTR oriented type. In my eyes i think he would know better than to stay with someone that he didnt think would last.
    he just met my Mom and her Girlfriend last week. and they love him. im very lucky to have a family thats supportive of the age difference where most would freak, as well as friends whom are also very supportive.

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    Mar 20, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    Good to know that the difference in age does not seem to be a big problem for either of you at least on a moral level. It's a good example of how you never know who you can fall for.

    Think, too, about how the definition of intimacy can change as we age. It may mean something totally different for him than you. Also consider the difference in sex drive which might be the only thing that would hamper you considering the age difference. At 24 I was freaking horny all the time. I wanted it as often as I could get it. If you are like I was then he may feel anxiety over trying to keep up with you.

    Stay with it a bit longer, but keep talking about it in a way the won't make him feel like you are pulling away and keep your own emotions in check my reminding yourself that it isn't about you. Keep your interest in him and non-sexual affections the same so that he doesn't begin to feel insecure. Reevaluate in a few more months. His age should make him more than mature enough to understand what is going on and be able to discuss it.
  • charlieviiper...

    Posts: 328

    Mar 20, 2012 6:37 AM GMT
    I'm not trying to be offensive, but since he's an older guy viagra might help.
  • maineguy1988

    Posts: 4

    Mar 20, 2012 12:55 PM GMT
    When he was telling me that his ex was a great bottom, after that he told me HE wanted to try it with me. So he was actually the one who wanted to, initially. Like him, i'm not a pump n dump, i don't do hookups and if i do I don't go further than what I'm comfortable with. I always save it for the right person.
    First couple of times i wasn't 100% comfortable either. as we were doing it i looked at him and his eyes were closed and all i could think was "Ugh is he thinking about how great of a bottom his ex was?" It went from being enjoyable for me to me tightening up so much i was in pain. So he isn't the only one who might have performance anxiety. One time he actually told me i was TOO tight, if that's even possible.
    He may be 60 but i can easily get him off once a day, very seldom twice. He's got quite the sex drive for someone his age! However... i can easily do twice that so it gets very frustrating on my end at times.
    I want it to be when we're BOTH comfortable. The time will be right I guess. However in the meantime my mind has been starting to wander. I would never for a second cheat on him but because i haven't been getting as much pleasure as he's been, my sex drive towards him has been slowly decreasing. I used to get off twice sometimes 3 times a day around him, now i have a hard time getting off once a day. i hope this wall he has up will come down before i consider doing something insanely stupid.
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    Mar 20, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    Always remember to make the choice that makes you happy first. Your primary responsibility is to yourself and you don't want to put yourself into a relationship that drags you down into an emotional pit. It would just end badly when you have an emotional outburst that hurts teh both of you.

    The final thing I can say is get out of your head, see it for what it is and stay with it for as long as you see it having potential. If you get to a point where it seems like this guy isn't going to get over his issues then it will be time for you to move on romantically. I think it important to stay in his life, but once you decide to end the sexual side it has to be at least for as long as it takes him to show improvement if not for good.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    i happen to enjoy anal a lot more because oral does little to nothing for me.

    This should make it easier to understand his perspective, as frustrating it is for you.

    If everything else was great about the relationship I'd probably be willing to adapt in bed. There are a lot of ways to get off if you are creative, and the end result is the same.