My current relationship- need advice!

  • Mar 20, 2012 3:04 AM GMT
    Hey everyone,

    This is actually my first post and I'm very excited to join this forum.

    Basically I am 21 years old and have been out for a few years now. Other than dating a girl for 2 years in high school before I came out, I haven't had many gay relationships until my current one. I was scared of relationships and scared to get close to someone so I typically had more of flings or hook-ups rather than relationships at an emotional level.

    When I met my boyfriend, I realized I had never felt so strongly for I knew something was different about him. We started hooking-up shortly after we met and nothing really came of it because I guess neither of us were really looking for anything at the time. We did however remain friends and our friendship grew as we have the same group of friends. I realized I never really got over him and longed for us to be together but he was just like me...was scared of relationships as he had had his heart broken a few years back by someone. Also, I never wanted to tell him I wanted to be with him because I was too proud- I refused to be the one who initiated. Anyways, I started hooking up with a mutual friend of ours who he has never really cared for. I knew this was upsetting him but I was at a point where I needed to move on from him since i felt like i was never going to get what I wanted. Turns out that pushed him to completely confess his feelings for me and how he wanted to be with me and hasn't felt this way about anyone since his last relationship which was over 3 years ago (he`s about 3 years older than me). I decided I would take the risk and try to form a relationship with him cause I felt it was worth it. we've been dating for about 6 months now and we've met each other's families and everything.

    He's a very complex person and has changed a lot over the years... When I speak to people who have known him for years, they say he used to always go out to the bars and party whereas now he prefers to stay at home and relax with a bottle of wine or a few beers. I was starting to get sick of the party scene based on some bad experiences (one being that I was drugged one night by someone I thought I could trust) so I felt this was right for me and it didn't bother me that he was more of a home body.

    Anyways my friends always tell me how into me he is and because of how stand-offish he is about getting close to people, even things such as him showing affection towards me in public is apparently huge for him because in all the time they've known him they've never seen it from him until me. We probably hang out at least 3-5 times a week and will spend the night at one of our places- we always have awesome nights. What bothers me is he's just SO different when we're alone as opposed to when we hang out with friends- we really don't hang out with our friends much as a group anyways but still. Sometimes I feel completely ignored when we hang out with friends and then when we leave together he is a different person and is sweet to me and very affectionate. I also feel like he needs to somehow express that he`s still attractive or something by being flirty with everyone (we have a big group of gay friends and thats who he`s flirty with`- never randoms). I know i can be a flirt sometimes but sometimes I feel like he just gets plain disrespectful and when he can tell i`m pissed, that`s when he`ll stop.

    He`s so sensitive and sweet when we`re alone, but I feel like he feels the need to put on a persona around our friends thats just not him.

    I love him and I don`t want the relationship to end because I feel the spark still everytime we hang out and I know he still feels it too. I`m just driving myself nuts with the stress of his behaviour sometimes and I shouldn`t have to deal with that. He normally knows when I`m pissed because I make it pretty obvious but I`m scared to have a huge conversation about it because I don`t want him to feel like I`m controlling cause he never confronts me on anything I do even though theres times when he probably could have cause I can tell sometimes I`ve upset him. I also don`t want him to feel like he`s being watched when we go out with our friends and then not want to ever go anymore because its already hard enough trying to get him to go out for a night because he`d rather just stay in.

    I just feel like we`re both so used to being single and sometimes its tough to know how to act with eachother. Like we are completely exclusive and since we`re together most nights or i always know what he`s up to, I don`t fear that theres any cheating. I mainly fear looking like a fool infront of my friends because the way they probably see our relationship is soooooo different to the way it actually is. it just bugs me. When he gets flirty with our friends my normal tactic is to completely ignore his presence and possibly flirt with someone else, just to get him to stop and realize what he`s doing- it always works but it makes me feel immature and i shouldnt feel like thatts how i need to get his attention.

    Basically I just don`t know how to handle the situation. I love him and I`ve never loved anyone before. I don`t want to give up on the relationship but I`ve just been so stressed about it especially the past week or two.

    I realize I just wrote a novel but I feel like I needed to get this off my chest to someone and to hopefully get advice. Since its so long I dont expect you all to take the time and read it- I think its already helped just organizing my thoughts and writing this out so I`ve at least gained something- some clarity.

    Anyways thanks for reading!
  • mikjmn

    Posts: 26

    Mar 20, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    Bud, you need to sit down with him and talk it out. Let him know how you feel.
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    Mar 20, 2012 4:20 AM GMT
    Just talk to him dude. Tell him flirting with other guys constantly drives you nuts. I dunno about him being all lovey dovey in public though. Some guys let the walls come down when they are alone with a guy they really care about.

    I am def one of those and probably would not be all over my bf with a group of friends but when we are alone ;).
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    Mar 20, 2012 4:24 AM GMT

    Print this up and have him read it... then lower your expectations about him and what you expect from him in front of others...

    And if you can't do that... then live with this feeling as long as you can. I hope he's worth it and the sex is bed shaking, because you don't sound very happy to me.

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    Mar 20, 2012 4:25 AM GMT

    Give him this email, but all of it worded to him rather than us. icon_wink.gif