My ex outed me to my straight friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    Sorry need to rant.

    I'm not sure how I feel about my ex anymore. We've been broken up for almost a year now and I've been trying to maintain a friendship with him but it almost feels like he takes me for granted sometimes. We dated long distance and he finally moved back to town this past December. I was quite excited about it since i missed hanging out with him even though we weren't gona date. I introduced him to my gay friends and showed him around town when he got here to give him a head start on a social life but shortly after he moved here he started dating a guy and then completely blew me off without telling me why. we didn't hangout or even talk for almost 2 months then i called him to wish him for his bday. It was a short conversation and i wasn't expecting anything then a few weeks later he called apologizing for being flaky and that it was because the guy he's dating didn't want him hanging out with me. But they apparently worked it out and now he wanted to hangout again.

    I figured what the hell I'd still like to be friends then this past weekend he went for a trip with his bf to chicago for St. Patty's day. As it turns out one of my really good straight friends lives there now and works in the same company as his bf. They were all at a bar and he told her that he knew me, trying to become friends with her and another friend of mine. They all ended up going to a gay club after. She obviously figured out that we had dated because she knew of the multiple trips i had made last year to the place where he was living. It was obvious that this was going to happen and yet he decided to be friends with them and tell them that he knew me.

    He call this morning asking if i was mad at him for "unknowingly" outing me. he should have damn well known that this was going to happen. I don't know how to feel about this. I'm planning on talking to her tonight to clarify things since i don't mind coming out to her but i just feel really offended that i'm being forced to do so.

    what a freaking distraction i did not need today!

    /rant
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2012 6:35 PM GMT
    anyone been in a similar situation? how did you resolve things with your ex?
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    Mar 20, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    I'm sure it will blow over. Can't offer any advice but I have been in a similar situation. My mother knowingly outed me to my teachers and my classmates when she found out I was gay. It was difficult but I survived. Hope it works out for ya, keep us posted
  • BeerIsYummy

    Posts: 65

    Mar 20, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    People are going to find out you're gay and it's not always going to be your choice. You can't expect your gay friends to avoid your straight friends because they might discover you're gay by association. Your friend didn't out you; he just said he knew you. People are going to make connections on their own and your friends shouldn't have to go out of their way to conceal you. Unless he did it maliciously, you don't have anything to resolve with him besides your own fear of your straight friends knowing your gay.
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    Well, it sounds like if she went to a gay club with your ex, then she isn't homophobic. She may feel a little betrayed that you didn't tell her sooner. I think that's the confrontation you should prepare for.

    If you can explain your reasons, then I am sure it will blow over and everything will be OK.
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:13 PM GMT
    I can understand that you're surprised and upset that he outed you even though it was accidental.

    Not sure how you can be angry at him for it though because it's not like he maliciously started spreading it around to everyone. Saying he knows you is pretty innocent of him.

    Don't worry about it and move on - if you want to be his friend as badly as you say you do then this should be something you can get over - especially after he's already called you to apologize.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Mar 20, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound that he was being insidious or malicious. And then he reached out to apologize. These things happen, you won't be able to avoid being outed forever knowingly or unknowingly.

    You called it a distraction; that's all it is, nothing more than that.
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    I thought I was going to read some drama about a mean ex that outted you on purpose but unless you left something out that doesn't sound like the case.

    I also get the impression you will handle admitting to your female friend you are gay now that she knows so thats not the issue as well. By the way you really don't owe her any damn explanation about your gayness. Just admit you once dated that guy and you are gay and now she knows and it's no big to you but you'd appreciate it if she didn't announce it all over the place and allow you to do that and your done with all that.

    What you asked about how to deal with an ex seems to be your real issue. You were actually offended he tried to foster a friendship with someone you knew and used the excuse that his goal brought you out of the closet. You don't find that at all strange that you are blaming him for something he innocently has a right to do without your approval? Like I said unless you've left something out he didn't exactly out you to anyone. No offense but who the fuck are you to pick and decide who he can be friends with?

    I think it may be time for you to really breakup with this ex once and for all and move on with your life and realize most of the time the best you can do with an ex is end it amicably and create a life without lying to yourself that he's nothing but just a friend that you stay in touch with. Let him go. If he bumps into someone you know and that person puts two and two together thats not his problem and trying to guilt him over it is classic drama queen in the making. Just my opinion. Do what you want.
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:36 PM GMT
    I do agree that it wasn't intentional or malicious but the only reason he wanted to be friends with them was because he knew I knew them. That and his previous action of blowing me off just make me feel like he doesn't really care about how his actions would affect me.

    I'm not closeted anymore just don't feel the need to advertise it to my straight friends that I've known forever even though i know they won't care. It's being forced into this situation because of his actions is what upset me this morning. But i'm over it. Just needed to rant my thoughts to get some clarity on the situation.
  • ltwtwrslnyc

    Posts: 60

    Mar 20, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    My experience with coming out to friends and family is that they typically already know, but don't want to overstep their boundaries with asking you.

    If she went to a gay club with your ex she is likely very accepting of gays and not homophobic. She lives in a large city and likely already has a few gay friends.

    Coming out is a difficult process and its a extra "hassle" for gays and lesbians (straight people don't have to run around explaining "BTW, I like people of the opposite sex").

    Your situation happened in the most accidental of ways, and unfortunately it was in a situation that was completely out of your control.

    Also, try to enjoy welcoming this (likely accepting) friend into your life, and give her the opportunity to know you completely.

    Your Ex did nothing malicious and even gave you a heads up about the situation. Forgive him and enjoy having him back in your circle of friends.

    Best of luck to you
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidI do agree that it wasn't intentional or malicious but the only reason he wanted to be friends with them was because he knew I knew them. That and his previous action of blowing me off just make me feel like he doesn't really care about how his actions would affect me.

    I'm not closeted anymore just don't feel the need to advertise it to my straight friends that I've known forever even though i know they won't care. It's being forced into this situation because of his actions is what upset me this morning. But i'm over it. Just needed to rant my thoughts to get some clarity on the situation.


    See, this seems to be more about him in general then about being outted. You assume he tried to befriend someone because you know them and you are feeling bad because he "blew you off"

    My advice remains the same. It's time to officially really break up with this guy for your own sake and move on. He doesn't have to be a part of your daily circle of current friends and not because he's currently doing anything all that wrong. Honestly, he owes you nothing. Salvage some respect and keep it emotionally healthy by moving on in life without an Ex. What you are doing is looking for a reason to officially be so disgusted with this guy it will make a complete departure more acceptable. It's just a mind fuck. I think we all displace things like that at a certain point. Be a step ahead of it and put the breaks on all that and just let him officially go and all the over analyzing of what he does or doesn't do and accept it's over. It's been over and you need to have a life without him in it. Again, it's just some friendly advice. Always do what you want but do it for you and for your happiness.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 20, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    Probably wise to consider that dealing with people with varying relationships, both personal and professional are going to yield differing results... meaning you need to be patient with the relationships of those you know.

    You sound like a great guy and are trying to be friendly to all involved.
    It can be a little "trying" at times. Just keep it up, it sounds like
    your friends should be happy they have you.
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    Mar 20, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock said

    I'm not closeted anymore just don't feel the need to advertise it to my straight friends that I've known forever even though i know they won't care. It's being forced into this situation because of his actions is what upset me this morning. But i'm over it. Just needed to rant my thoughts to get some clarity on the situation.


    This says you're being dramatic just to be dramatic. If you're not closeted, then all your friends should already know. Otherwise, you're still closeted. And if you're not closeted, anyone else finding out you're gay shouldn't be a big deal, no matter how it happened. And if you're over it, why bother posting about it looking for clarity? The fact that you're fussing over something your ex did tells me you either still have feelings for him or you're still angry at him. Time to move on.
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    Mar 20, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    This is why I refuse to date closeted guys.
  • chi_rock

    Posts: 207

    Mar 20, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Try to keep perspective. In the long path of life, this will be a minor bump that in the not too distant future you will care less about.
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    Mar 20, 2012 8:24 PM GMT
    Slash he's tyres

    Slash he's throat

    Burn he's house to the ground



    Anyway to be alittle more serious, it's sucks.... You trusted him, and he blew it big time. Ultimately when the wound from the dagger in your back has heeled, forgive him, but don't forget.... And don't keep around... People like that should not be in your life

    Also don't let it color your opinion of guys or people in general

    Hope the ultimate outcome for you is pleasant

    Keep strong bud
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2012 9:20 PM GMT
    Dude get over it, yeah it be awkward explaining, but if she's a good friend, then don't sweat it out. Relax you'll be fine.
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    Mar 20, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidI'm not closeted anymore just don't feel the need to advertise it to my straight friends that I've known forever even though i know they won't care. It's being forced into this situation because of his actions is what upset me this morning. But i'm over it. Just needed to rant my thoughts to get some clarity on the situation.


    You feel you don't want/need to advertise it, but at the same time it upsets you when someone lets the cat out of the bag. I'm sorry, but this sounds like shame to me. If you know they won't care, then what's the big deal of letting them into a part of your life? They get to talk about all the men/women they are interested in - relationships are a huge part of people's lives and take up a lot of space in conversation. Imagine, you don't talk about that aspect of your life because you dont 'feel the need to advertise it'. Why don't you get to do the same thing as everyone else?

    Anyway.... This is a conversation for you to have with your ex and your friend. She may be upset that you chose to not tell her. Perhaps he did you a favor in that you don't have to worry about telling that particular person anymore. There's a different way of looking at it.
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    Mar 20, 2012 11:58 PM GMT
    I've never been outed because I don't live a lie.

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    Mar 26, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    Haaretz saidI've never been outed because I don't live a lie.



    That ^. If you're well adjusted being outed shouldn't be a thing to you. Yes, it's out of control, but, nothing you can do. Time to become a honest person.
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    Mar 26, 2012 4:58 AM GMT



    That ^. If you're well adjusted being outed shouldn't be a thing to you. Yes, it's out of control, but, nothing you can do. Time to become a honest person.[/quote]

    Completely disagree with this...


    Everyone's story is different and no one has the right to disclose information as a tool/mechanism for revenge.

    I came out after serving in the military at 22. It kind of happened at my own pace telling one friend, then another, then one family member, then another.

    It was a good experience for the most part. However, it was my story to tell and my pace to proceed with..

    To some people, being gay is only a small part of the bigger picture.


    Now, if a person is reckless, dating women on the side, and not honest with you or family constantly lying with people, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them to begin with....

    If a person is in the closet at age 40-50, that's a problem too.. Too many fish in the sea to be focus on someone who has transparent issues... However, someone who is still young ( under 30) in the process should never be forced into disclosure if they are still in a process of understanding their place and comfortable in their own skin.


  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Mar 26, 2012 6:56 AM GMT
    Uh. I think he did the right thing actually. He said you were a friend, nothing more, so he didn't really out you then. Then he went to a gay bar, was he supposed to go out of his way and act as if he was "going home" and then turn around and sneak away to a gay bar because you're closeted? If he's out, why should he need to covet his sexuality?

    Secrets tend to come out. You can't be mad at people for not putting up a charade for you.
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    Mar 26, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    90% of the story really has nothing to do with what u seem to be concerned about. Unless there's something else to it I see no reason for you to be mad at ur ex or his date and if this girl is such a good friend of yours it is only your fault for not telling her sooner. Most likely she doesn't think is that big of deal as you think it is.
  • PandaDragon

    Posts: 39

    Mar 26, 2012 7:13 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear man.. My sister found out a couple years ago and she outted me to the family recently... Irish Catholic family... you can imagine how that went down...... icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 26, 2012 9:51 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis is why I refuse to date closeted guys.

    I learned that lesson the hard way. Just a few episodes with a particular closet case:

    We traveled 250 miles together to attend an outdoor Renaissance fair. We're walking the several acres, when who does he run right into but his brother with the wife and teenage children (whom I had never met), also there from the same home town.

    Too late to run away, I got introduced and had to play along as my red-faced BF spun a tale about why the 2 of us were taking in Ren Faire together, part of a week-long stay in that area they'd already heard he was doing. So it wasn't just the Faire, but an entire week they now knew we'd be doing sightseeing together. I could see the family wasn't buying his story, probably already suspicious about a 53-year-old lifelong bachelor, whose main passions are theatre, art, and jewelry.

    A few months later we were going to attend an art show opening together. He also invited a mutual gay friend who does drag, giving him a complimentary ticket. The other guy accepts, but the day before says he doesn't have the recommended tux and so he'll wear one of his formal gowns instead!

    My BF went into full panic mode, because the other guy did mostly comic & character drag, and wasn't the least bit convincing as a female impersonator. But the guy had his invitation card and defiantly said he would show up, despite desperate phone calls just hours before the event to dissuade him.

    But my BF was involved officially with the opening and really couldn't fail to show up himself. So that night he had me running around trying to guard all the doors to the museum and intercept the drag queen. I was to make a final plea to the guy not to enter, and I guess physically restrain him if I had to, or at least keep him away from my BF.

    I did not enjoy the evening I paid for, even if it had elements of a farcical I Love Lucy script. Fortunately the drag queen never showed, while I got to know the columned museum entrances quite well, with everyone else inside enjoying cocktails, hors d'oeuvres and music, my BF included. But then ordinarily at these affairs I was instructed by him not to spend too much time with him and look too familiar, lest it generate gossip, so this wasn't too much different.

    But that BF had the tables reversed a year later, after we had broken up. He was dating a closeted Mormon, which I warned him was a bad idea. Sure enough, the new guy had a bout of gay guilt, and at a service in the Mormon Temple where he was in some leadership position, announced his sin to the entire congregation and identified my ex BY NAME as the reason for his downfall!

    But that wasn't all. This guy also notified the YMCA management that my ex and 6 other guys had fondled him in the men's hot tub over a several week period, which was not true. But the 7 members were all suspended while a 2-month investigation was conducted, the rumors flying all over town.

    All 7 were eventually found innocent and reinstated, and it was the Mormon who lost his membership. But by then my closeted ex really wasn't very closeted anymore, though he refused to accept reality. Moral: think twice about dealing with closeted gay guys, they can complicate your life along with their own.