What if you can't accept it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    Hey everyone, I just wanted some opinions on my situation or if anybody else has dealt with similar stuff and how you handled it.

    So basically my situation is this... I'm 21 years old, and I've really been struggling with the my whole "sexual identity". Pretty cliche no? Right now I consider myself bi mainly because I feel I'm still figuring things out and I'm not sure how I'll end up. I know some people will try to tell me that I'm gay and in denial, or mention the spectrum concept of sexuality. But the truth is I really am unsure about my sexuality.

    My real problem is, I'm honestly terrified of being gay. It sounds pretty bad, but I know that if I were to tell any of my family and my close friends I'm pretty sure I would lose a lot of them. The common response would be "if they cant accept you, then they don't love you" I don't agree with this though. I've known these people my whole life and I know they're good people, albeit imperfect, but who isn't. If they did end up hating me, I feel like I wouldn't change my opinion of them at all. I'd still love them regardless.

    My dad in particular is the one person who I care the most about. I really wish I could prove to you guys what a phenominal father he's been. Seriously, they guy is my best friend and I know he'd do anything for me. The problem is I've heard him make comments every so now and then that are really anti-gay. He's not a malicious person at all, but I can tell the idea of it really disgusts him. I don't think I could ever tell him. No matter how secure I ever felt with myself.

    I'm a very introspective person and I think about this stuff all the time. I just don't ever see myself being "out". No matter how much confidence I have in myself. Even if i think there is nothing wrong with it, I don't think I could tell because I know it would hurt them and even embarrass.

    I try not to think of my unwillingess as immaturity, I just in a twisted way, feel like I'm protecting them. Even if it means I ultimately end up alone.

    Am I wrong for feeling this way? what If i truly can't accept if I'm gay?

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    Mar 23, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    You have no choice but 'accept' it. It is you!

    All I kept reading in your post is about how "they/them/him" thought or felt about it. Guess what? It isn't about 'them', it isn't 'their' life or 'their' sexuality.
    Grow a pair and live YOUR life.
    It gets better after "they" know.
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    Mar 23, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    If your dad is not overly religious ie fundamentalist, orthodox, etc., and even maybe if he is, he might find a way to accept you even if he has displayed homophobia in the past.

    I have a number of friends who I grew up with who now say that they wish I had come out to them back then, that they would have accepted me, even though I knew then and still know now that when we were young kids, like grade school & early teens, I'd have caused a lot of trouble for myself had I outed myself back then.

    But that's not how they think about themselves now. They no longer see themselves how they used to behave because they project their currently expanded consciousness upon their previously closed minds.

    Same with my brother. even though I've been out since my early 20s, in my 30s when he had kids, his wife said (& he backed her) that they didn't want their young kids to know that I was gay. Hurt me hugely, I distanced myself, my mother was fuming about it but we just let them live their life the way they wanted.

    Years later, now that my brother (even though still sexually inhibited himself) better accepts my sexuality, he completely does not remember saying what he said to me and denies it emphatically. He can no longer picture himself being that person who hurt me. His wife also does not recall treating me in a homophobic way.

    No guarantees as, sadly, some guys here will testify, but just because your father said some things, doesn't necessarily mean that's how he will think about things once you have expanded his thinking. I think this is particularly true if there is no conflict within his heart and as you did not mention religion in your OP, then with the leverage of his heart, you will open his mind.
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    Mar 23, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    If you don't want to be out, don't be out. For some people, it is too much pain and suffering to be out of the closet, and that is fine IMO. I don't think I could ever come out to my extended family. They are all people I highly respect, and I just don't see myself coming out to them. I like keeping my private life private!
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Mar 23, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    Alot of people consider themself bi purely as a stepping stone into the gay world. In your case it definitely seems that way as you haven't mentioned anything about being interested or sexually attracted to girls. Or are you?

    You need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself repeatidly "I am gay, and that's fine." You are gonna continue to be terrified of what others think until you can accept your true self. How can you expect others to accept you when you won't even give yourself that opportunity?

  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 23, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    They're gonna find out one way or another, dude.

    Whether through a mutual friend, siblings, or just wondering why u have no girlfriends or haven't gotten married yet/.


    he's eventually gonna find out, I guarantee you
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    Mar 23, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    TropicalMark saidYou have no choice but 'accept' it. It is you!

    All I kept reading in your post is about how "they/them/him" thought or felt about it. Guess what? It isn't about 'them', it isn't 'their' life or 'their' sexuality.
    Grow a pair and live YOUR life.
    It gets better after "they" know.


    You're definitely right, and I wish I could handle it by simply "growing a pair". But the reason I mention they/them/him Is because I honestly care more about the people in my life than I do myself. Sometimes I don't feel it's as simple as viewing it as just "my life" because I don't believe that. It may be "my life" but it directly impacts the lives of those I care about. I feel like I'm stuck battling my own personality.
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    Mar 23, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidAlot of people consider themself bi purely as a stepping stone into the gay world. In your case it definitely seems that way as you haven't mentioned anything about being interested or sexually attracted to girls. Or are you?

    You need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself repeatidly "I am gay, and that's fine." You are gonna continue to be terrified of what others think until you can accept your true self. How can you expect others to accept you when you won't even give yourself that opportunity?



    I'm not trying to deny that I'm attracted to guys, probably more often than girls. But the fact is I do have feelings for some girls I've met and sometimes they're all I can think about. One of the biggest things I struggle with is if I truly am "Bi" then would that mean I'm going to end up having to choose whether I spend my life with a guy or girl? and whomever I end up with, will I always have an urge for the opposite sex? Everybody says that our sexuality isn't a choice, but if I'm bi, then doesn't that mean I have to choose? and how do i explain that?

    BTW thanks for everyone's replies. I appreciate being able to talk things like this out.
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    Mar 23, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    You're 21...what's the rush?
    are you going away to school/work...still live at home?

    It took getting away from my family, before I could truly explore my feeling and even more time to except them.
    Achieving true happiness makes you stronger and you will realize it's about your life and your happiness, not anyone else.
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:32 AM GMT


    "One of the biggest things I struggle with is if I truly am "Bi" then would that mean I'm going to end up having to choose whether I spend my life with a guy or girl? and whomever I end up with, will I always have an urge for the opposite sex?"

    From all the Bi people I've spoken with over the years, I think you will fall in love, and THAT is who you will choose. Your people-pool of potential mates is just greater.

    -Doug
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    "One of the biggest things I struggle with is if I truly am "Bi" then would that mean I'm going to end up having to choose whether I spend my life with a guy or girl? and whomever I end up with, will I always have an urge for the opposite sex?"

    From all the Bi people I've spoken with over the years, I think you will fall in love, and THAT is who you will choose. Your people-pool of potential mates is just greater.

    -Doug


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    If you live your entire life trying to please those you care about, you'll live a very unpleasant life because the "caring" is only shown one way. In other words, you'll never know if they really care about you, or if they just like your alter ego.

    If you live your life being yourself, those who care about you will be pleased because your happiness will bring them happiness; and those who don't care about you can go fuck themselves.
  • jsowneon

    Posts: 119

    Mar 24, 2012 3:29 AM GMT
    I think it's a little funny how people say until you come out to all your friend and family you can not really live a full life. But you don't see straight guys sitting all their friends and family down to tell them their straight.I know it's mainly because straight is the more excepted and even expected way but still. Your sexuality is a part of you but only one part of a big picture. People talk about "outing" yourself as if it's some right of passage to be gay. I understand you not wanting to tell some people because of how "they" might react. Also, that just because you say "they" does not mean it has nothing to do with "you." Their are people I haven't really "come out" to because I don't see it as a big deal for them. My mom is religious but it was also how I was raised that topics like that were never really discussed. I never even had any kind of sex talk. So talking to her about being gay would make her extremely uncomfortable. Also, knowing that from then on ever time she looked at me it would be like trying to figure out a puzzle. Plus by me not telling her doesn't make me any less gay and when I'm around her I'm not hiding anything. I'm sure someone will say that by me not saying anything that is hiding it from her but again if I was straight I wouldn't be talking to her about my sexuality either because it's an off topic. When my mom sees me she gets to see the values and morals she instilled in me and the sexuality part has nothing to do with how she raised me it's just a small part of the big picture. I've never worn any type of mask around her and know that I never will. If one day comes when I know she could handle it without thinking that she did anything wrong then I would tell her but for now I am completely comfortable and and living my life freely, around her or not with her not know the details of my sexuality. So I completely respect your decision and if the time comes when you could tell your dad go for it. But as you want him to be comfortable hearing your sexuality you should be comfortable to talk about it.
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    Mar 24, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    Took me a LONG time to accept I had feelings for men - I just want to tell you, it does get better/easier with age. For me, I still have feelings for both men and women, but, when it comes to sex, I find it easier to be with men. I really don't consider myself 100% gay - and, I still think I will end up with whoever I end up with, man or woman - why limit the possibilities? Also, I'll add, it's helpful to have someone you trust to talk to about it.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Mar 24, 2012 4:10 AM GMT
    Everyone's messages do hold ground and make a lot of sense, but I feel like one thing that isn't being mentioned as often as it should be is that you are allowed to be confused and you are allowed to not strictly choose a sexual orientation. Everyone in life keeps going on and on about being straight or gay of bi or whatever, and really the fact is that those are all just terms and words meant to satisfy a person desire for a straight up answer (whether that person is you or others). But you don't HAVE to pick one. You sexual preference is your own personal matter. If you want a label of gay or bi because YOU want one and you feel like it'll make life easier, then by all means go ahead. But you are allowed to live life and date whomever you want without labeling it.

    I recently came out to my parents and friends as bisexual (which went over really well with my exgf) but before that there were years where I didn't really have a sexuality. I just dated girls I liked. I don't ever worry about choosing a sex in the end because I know the right person will be right no matter what gender and it will ultimately be their soul I'll fall in love with, not just their genitalia.

    Just don't feel pressured into telling people before you are actually ready.
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    Mar 24, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    Honey, everything you're feeling is completely normal. You're going through what a lot of us went through. All I can tell you is that I've never met anyone who came out of the closet who regretted it. Everyone I know--and I know a lot of gays--knows it was the best decision he ever made and is happier for it. The absolute biggest regret I have in my life is not coming out sooner. I wish my first words were "I'm gay!"

    I was so scared to tell my dad--my conservative, gun-toting, government-conspiracy-believer dad--and it was beyond hard to do it. I was so sure it would be a huge deal. His response when I came out was, "So?" People can surprise you.

    And, maybe they won't. They might need some time to come to terms with it. That's OK too. And if it gets really bad, well, that sucks. A lot. It's a legitimate fear. But in the end, even the people I know who that happened to--and they're a small group--are still happier that they came out. I know people still in the closet--people much older than you--and it's just sad. You can see how unhappy they are. Living a lie is exhausting. It will take its toll over the years.

    Crossing that bridge is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but trust me, it's so much better on this side.
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    Mar 24, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    You know. Alfred kinsey's sexuality on a scale is good to follow. Everyone can be bi, to an extent. Sometimes you may feel more attracted to a male than others? And vice versa for girls. If you're 21 and questioning yourself, pay the field. That's what your early 20's are for. Don't hold your sexuality in tight parameters. Go with your own flow, be free, and be safe...
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Mar 24, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    Hitm4up saidHey everyone, I just wanted some opinions on my situation or if anybody else has dealt with similar stuff and how you handled it.

    So basically my situation is this... I'm 21 years old, and I've really been struggling with the my whole "sexual identity". Pretty cliche no? Right now I consider myself bi mainly because I feel I'm still figuring things out and I'm not sure how I'll end up. I know some people will try to tell me that I'm gay and in denial, or mention the spectrum concept of sexuality. But the truth is I really am unsure about my sexuality.

    My real problem is, I'm honestly terrified of being gay. It sounds pretty bad, but I know that if I were to tell any of my family and my close friends I'm pretty sure I would lose a lot of them. The common response would be "if they cant accept you, then they don't love you" I don't agree with this though. I've known these people my whole life and I know they're good people, albeit imperfect, but who isn't. If they did end up hating me, I feel like I wouldn't change my opinion of them at all. I'd still love them regardless.

    My dad in particular is the one person who I care the most about. I really wish I could prove to you guys what a phenominal father he's been. Seriously, they guy is my best friend and I know he'd do anything for me. The problem is I've heard him make comments every so now and then that are really anti-gay. He's not a malicious person at all, but I can tell the idea of it really disgusts him. I don't think I could ever tell him. No matter how secure I ever felt with myself.

    I'm a very introspective person and I think about this stuff all the time. I just don't ever see myself being "out". No matter how much confidence I have in myself. Even if i think there is nothing wrong with it, I don't think I could tell because I know it would hurt them and even embarrass.

    I try not to think of my unwillingess as immaturity, I just in a twisted way, feel like I'm protecting them. Even if it means I ultimately end up alone.

    Am I wrong for feeling this way? what If i truly can't accept if I'm gay?



    You are right to be terrified of being gay in this hostile world we live in. And the gay world, at this point in its infancy in the western world, is hostile even unto itself because it half hates itself for being what it is, gay, and is trying to love itself at the same time; which is impossible. I applaud you for your intelligence in understanding this reality of life. But, every mature man when he becomes a man fully also understands that he has to make choices that makes him happy even if they make others unhappy. When you are laying your coffin at the end of your journey, none of those people you are trying to make happy now will be there with you. It will only be you. And will you be able to say that I lived my one and only journey of life in a way that made me enjoy and thank God that I lived my life? Just a thought, but I'm kind of a simpleton in my thinking.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Mar 24, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    You're young - you'll figure everything out. We all went through the period of adjusting to the fact that we're a minority, but then you come to accept yourself as you are and you'll meet some awesome people and you'll wonder why you were ever worried. It all works itself out and you'll have an awesome life ahead of you. Wait to come out to your family until you're ready and you have friends and/or a boyfriend for emotional support.
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    Mar 24, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    The enemy is within. Learn to like yourself, and the rest will follow. Until you do that you will remain self-loathing and miserable. This is ALL your choice. You can choose to be miserable, or not.
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    Mar 24, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    CymruRusski saidYou know. Alfred kinsey's sexuality on a scale is good to follow. Everyone can be bi, to an extent. Sometimes you may feel more attracted to a male than others? And vice versa for girls. If you're 21 and questioning yourself, pay the field. That's what your early 20's are for. Don't hold your sexuality in tight parameters. Go with your own flow, be free, and be safe...
    Re-read the OP. Notice there is not a single statement regarding attraction to women. It simply states that he "considers" himself bi because he's afraid to be gay. The only way fear can be overcome is to face it head on.

    Edit: Oh yeah, and if you want to bring Kinsey into it, just let him know he's a 6 out of 6...because the "gold card gays" are awesome like that. icon_cool.gificon_razz.gif

    800px-Kinsey_Scale.svg.png
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    Mar 24, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    icon_confused.gif

    can't help but look at myself after reading this
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    Mar 24, 2012 1:07 PM GMT
    Ever think that coming out might change your dad for the better? This might not be all about you [even though this is your life]. If the current relationship with your dad is as described. He would probably grow from the experience as much as you will. Give him and yourself the benefit of the doubt. Now, if he is a religious fundamental, proceed with caution.

    It's quite normal to retain the feelings of love for those you've known and cared for all of your life. Some will come around and some will not. It's a waiting game and you should not put your life on hold to see if and when they will come around.
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    Mar 24, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    This may sound pretty bad, but sometimes it's better to lie.

    If he's really as great as you're saying and you're sure he won't accept you, don't tell him. Even thoug is it very important that you find out who you are and accept that.
    You could still very slowly try to get him to accept gays more.
  • muscletruk

    Posts: 109

    Mar 24, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    Many men have been where you are. and many here have already said take your time and do what is right for you. what ever your feeling it's NOT wrong. It's just the way you feel. coming out is a personal decision and only you will know when the time is right.
    I was raised by my grand parents who were very Baptist, and was terrified to come out to them. after my 3rd BF left they asked me what happened. blew me away. The people who really lobe you will generally surprise you.