Venting and In Need of Encouragement


  • Mar 23, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    So I posted here about my situation before, but Im in need of some advice and encouragement so I thought I'd reach out again to people who might be able to understand and sympathize. Sorry if I am being over dramatic or selfish.

    My boyfriend broke up with me in November. He met an older guy (hes 28, Im 30, this guy is 43) down in Florida in 2010 and we broke up for 6 weeks at the end of 2010 but he came back. He maintained some contact with this man throughout 2011 even after he promised not to. After coming back from Florida in late October 2011, we had a fight and he broke up with me. He was tired of me not being able to travel and he wants to see the world and thats not a life I can give him right now. Neither of us could really afford that. A few months later we spoke and he told me he was moving to Florida at the end of 2012, and he was quitting his state job and he has just given up on everything up here in Massachusetts. He also said that he wasnt a "family man" and I was, and that he would never be that type of guy and that really hurt a lot too because he became close with my family and was welcomed into our homes for 8 yrs, included in all the family functions.. and it was fine for him then, but all of a sudden it feels likes he was pushing them away.

    So the first 3 months I was okay. I went to the gym, I started a part time job, I was motivated, I lost 20 lbs (now down 30lbs). But when we spoke and he told me all his news plans, it hit me that he wasnt coming home this time. Before this we broke up once in 2008 for 3 or 4 months, and then last year for 6 weeks when he met this new man.

    Ive been broken hearted ever since and a day doesnt go by when I dont start crying. All the memories that we shared flash in my head and I really feel like I lost someone, like in death. I have started to see a counselor but that doesnt really help.

    Logically, I know I should be angry at him. After all, we had spoken of marriage and savings up to buy a vacation home together and we spoke often about how we were happy with what we had. And it kills me because he would often bring these things up. He was going to buy a condo last year and I talked hi out of it now Im kicking myself in the ass. At least that wouldve made him stay. Now it seems that the lingering doubt that he had for awhile has come to the surface and hes willing to dump everything him and I had for this older gentleman and the bright new life in Miami.

    I have fear. I know that there is a 50/50 chance this may not work out. After all, all that glitters is not gold right. Just because everything looks great down there doesnt mean it is. But my ex is a survivor and I know if he goes down there he will make it work, even if hes unhappy. because i feel like maybe thats what hes been doing with me. Maybe hes always been unhappy but was just going through the comfortable motions because there was nothing better around at the time. But I also fear that this could actually be really good for him and might actually be a better life for him. Hes a partier and a drinker and although he tried to settle down with me and got a good job and stuff, now this option is presenting itself in miami and hes going to take it. I fear we will never be together again, and its a very real scenario and it hurts so much.

    Hes contacted me a couple times via text and I answer with short answers. Hes asks how Im doing and I say Im doing great. He texted me at 1am like 2 weeks ago asking where I was and what I was doing. And I felt like maybe he was reaching out and having some regrets or uncertainities. But in reality, it was probably a booty call. And it never came to fruition. I feel like if I totally ignore him hes definately going to leave, but at least if I answer he may remember me and stay.

    So on Monday I got some mail from the whitewater rafting place we went and it brought back a load of memories so I texted him and said "I wish my husband would come home. I really miss him." And unfortunately, he didnt respond. He did text me yesterday and wish me luck on my corrections officer exam. So of course I was heart broken again because I didnt get the response I wanted. It just went ignored.

    I called and left him a message today and said I cant keep in contact with him. I cant call or text because my heart is breaking and I really wish he would come home. I said that I miss him and my family misses him but I need to concentrate on my new boyfriend because its unfair to him that I am thinking about my ex. I told him if he ever felt like he wanted to see if we could work things out I would be open to it but since I am seeing someone, the time is slowly fading to do so.

    I am just very heart broken. I know some cynics on here may say "grow some balls and get over it" but its easier said than done. I spent almost everyday with him for the last 8 years of my life. I really feel abandoned and lost. Ive posted on "straight" relationship sites but I think gay relationships are slightly different than straight ones.

    I just keep questioning whats going to happen. Is he going to find the love of his life in this older man and I never hear from him again? Or will it not work out and he will come crawling back after learning the grass is not always greener on the other side.

    I really really feel down and I guess the message boards are my only place to vent to guys that can relate. I dont have any gay friends and I just feel my straight friends are very judgemental. Its very easy to say "just forget about him" but what I want to hear is "Dont worry, he'll be back. You guys had a great relatinship and this thing is just a fling." Sadly...nobody knows the future and Im getting ulcers just thinking about it.

    I also realize that this attitude and depressing thought makes me far less attractive. I dont want to come off so needy but I just feel like hes not realizing how much I do love him.

    UGH... anybody have any encouraging words?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    RegularNiceGuy said....
    He also said that he wasnt a "family man" and I was,
    ...
    After all, we had spoken of marriage and savings up to buy a vacation home together and we spoke often about how we were happy with what we had. And it kills me because he would often bring these things up. He was going to buy a condo last year and I talked hi out of it
    ...
    Hes a partier and a drinker and although he tried to settle down with me and got a good job and stuff, now this option is presenting itself in miami and hes going to take it.
    What struck me from your post is that you two seem to have opposing views on how to live your lives. You sound like a burbs/country type of person who loves to be with family and lead a ,mostly, quite life. And he is a total city party boy who wants the excitement the city provides. To make things work a lot of compromise would be required by both in order to keep both of you happy.
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    Mar 23, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    I know this is hard to hear, but I say FUCK HIM.

    I get that you still love him, but I don't think he loves you the same way. You don't treat someone like that who you love.

    If I were you I would try and cut off all contact. The more you continue to contact him the longer it'll take for you to get over him. That's what it sounds like he's doing with you.
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    ."" I said that I miss him and my family misses him but I need to concentrate on my new boyfriend because its unfair to him that I am thinking about my ex"

    Dude you probably need 6 months to a year to get over this guy. Don't jump into another relationship. Also grow some balls and have some self worth, your ex was a dick and unstable. He does not deserve you.

  • Mar 24, 2012 5:27 AM GMT
    TellMe said
    RegularNiceGuy said....
    He also said that he wasnt a "family man" and I was,
    ...
    After all, we had spoken of marriage and savings up to buy a vacation home together and we spoke often about how we were happy with what we had. And it kills me because he would often bring these things up. He was going to buy a condo last year and I talked hi out of it
    ...
    Hes a partier and a drinker and although he tried to settle down with me and got a good job and stuff, now this option is presenting itself in miami and hes going to take it.
    What struck me from your post is that you two seem to have opposing views on how to live your lives. You sound like a burbs/country type of person who loves to be with family and lead a ,mostly, quite life. And he is a total city party boy who wants the excitement the city provides. To make things work a lot of compromise would be required by both in order to keep both of you happy.


    Well, he was both a country boy and a city boy I guess. Im definately more of a country boy. Love hiking and rock climbing. Hehas always been a partier in the sense that he liked to drink and house parties, and go into Boston...but it wasnt all the time. He also liked the laid back country life and being a homebody. Thats why it worked for so long.

    But even so... this new guy he met in FL is 43. My ex said this guy isnt a partier or drinker either. But he lives in Miami.

    And yeah, my counselor said the same thing. He didnt love me as much as I loved him. Its very hard to hear.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    Time to move on.

    You only control you. You DO NOT control the other person. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be happy. There are 7 BILLION folks in The World. There are others. Change your perspective, and...get on with your life.
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    Mar 24, 2012 7:31 AM GMT
    RegularNiceGuy said

    And yeah, my counselor said the same thing. He didnt love me as much as I loved him. Its very hard to hear.


    Sorry, but this is a bullshit thing for a counselor to tell you. I don't know what kind of counselor this person is, but how would he/she know? I'm sure your ex loved you just as much as you love/loved him. His feelings just changed over time.
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    Mar 24, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    RegularNiceGuy said

    I called and left him a message today and said I cant keep in contact with him. I cant call or text because my heart is breaking and I really wish he would come home. I said that I miss him and my family misses him but I need to concentrate on my new boyfriend because its unfair to him that I am thinking about my ex. I told him if he ever felt like he wanted to see if we could work things out I would be open to it but since I am seeing someone, the time is slowly fading to do so.




    You have a new bf, yet you're crying over an old one (who doesn't really want you)?!

    Sorry, but you're just as pathetic as your ex.
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    Mar 24, 2012 10:43 AM GMT
    This is so sad.

    Really, nothing helps but time. You really have to (try to) stop contacting him. Been there, done that. Really, out of sight/out of mind is the only thing that eventually works.

    So, so sad. Stop contacting him.
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    Mar 24, 2012 11:37 AM GMT
    Dude I really feel for you.

    The other guys on here are right and as sad as it is, you need to let go and move on and start a new chapter. If you don't you are going to wind up like my mom who is still waiting for my dad to come back to her nearly 20 years after the divorce. Remember the good times you had and put them away for awhile. Create some new memories with new friends and look for someone else. He has clearly moved on and you REALLY need to.
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    Mar 24, 2012 11:47 AM GMT
    Dude I really think you need to talk this over with someone. Make an appointment and talk it out.

    It's not what you want to hear, but it is time to start the process of looking ahead to the next chapter. You need time to sort this out and draw lessons from it in the meantime.
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    Mar 24, 2012 12:42 PM GMT
    It will be tough but you will have to build your life without him. He has made a choice and now you have to as well. End all contact with him and the hope that he will come back to you one day.
    You said he wants to travel the world and neither of you could afford it right now, maybe the older gentleman in Florida can provide him that. Do you really want to wait for someone like that.
    Take the best memories left of what was and see that world has a lot more to offer.
  • muscletruk

    Posts: 109

    Mar 24, 2012 1:16 PM GMT
    so many things to touch on .
    1st you have a new BF? what the....
    when you break up with someone you need to take time to make your peace with it. if you jump into another relationship you'll transfer some of the crap, as well as some of the good stuff, and it will work against the new guy. Also your not being fair to the new guy telling the old one if he wants you back, at anytime your there.
    It's sounds like you need to work on you. if he has a history of coming and going in this relationship he's using you for a rock while he explores. NOT FAIR TO YOU!!
    your decision to cut off contact is a good one. I found even if i really love a guy, when we separate i need time to sort it all out in my own head before i can see them again.
    all that said as to your 8 year man, walk away. I know it hurts and it's not easy but in the long run it's the right thing for YOU.
    remember no matter what you have to take care of yourself first
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    You're only hurting yourself man. We've all been there. He was your boyfriend in 2010/2011. It is March 2012. You are willingly living a sad love song and your thoughts are pretty disrespectful to yourself. You writing "I wish my husband would come home" and him not responding is like you writing him a blank check to use whenever he wants. Enough thinking about him. Think about other things. It is time to move on.

    Sometimes you can be friends with a person you break up with, but this isn't the case right now and is not likely. You crying every day is a meaningless form of expression. It doesn't help you because you are participating in this cycle of self inflicted pain instead of continuing to fill it with other things. When you think of him, you need to think about something else. Do it over and over again until it goes away. Enough thinking about him. Think about other things. It is time to move on.

    Every time you willingly participate in thinking about "what could've been" or looking for an angle to get back with him or wonder how he's doing you're just returning to the scene of the crime and reliving the event. If that helped, it would be a different story. But it's not helping, at all. Any act that keeps you from focussing on yourself and moving on is self destructive. There isn't much more to write on this man.

    Enough thinking about him.
    Think about other things
    It's time to move on
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 24, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    I think you have been getting some good advice above.

    It can be very hard to hear others say, "you need to move on" when you love somebody isn't it? I would start with the concept that you need and deserve better than this. He doesn't sound very stable to me and you
    should have somebody willing to make you a priority in their life. I'm not sure if he really has priorities... but I think you need to start considering yours. You need to be happy and healthy.....

    My best wishes to you. I wish I could say more to encourage you, except just know there are people who care and want to see you have a great life ahead. Don't lose sight of it!
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Mar 24, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    Opening Poster,

    If a guy approached you with the same story, what would your advice be to him? Do you think you would tell him to move on?

    8 years is a very long time and no one should discredit that. But as hard as it may seem, you need to move on. We've all been there before and in hindsight realized that it was the best possible decision. If you don't do this you will only but prolong your pain and anguish. Time heals, remember that.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Mar 25, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    I'm real sorry for you. You are getting some good advice and you know what to do as well.

    No matter what anyone says, you won't stop loving this person and you won't stop hoping that he comes back. All that will happen is that as you spend more time away from him, you learn to be without him. Codependency is difficult to break off, all you're going to feel is unlovable and unworthy. But this is not it.

    Focus on the new man. Do the things you used to do with your ex with the new man, this will help break off the dependency. Spend more time with him, learn more about him. Slowly you'll make new memories and stop hoping your ex comes back.

    I know some others are telling you to break off contact with him, but that's not a good solution. You were good friends, do keep in touch with him, but limit it. And use it as a lesson that you know his character now than 10 years down when you would have a mortgage and stuff to deal with.
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    Mar 25, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    dude. the only real cost of loving someone truly as you did, is the pain that you feel if its gone. and you have to read this statement for what it is. the love that you feel for someone - it has little to do with the love they feel for you. its a projection of your emotions, and thats why its possible for you both to have different experiences of your shared relationship.

    that being said, you're young. yes, you were together for a long time, 8 years! but those were 8 years spent while you are both very young and still trying on new things in life. if i think about all my friends (gay or straight) who got together when they were 20, i gotta say that none of them are still together. this is because you're in a huge growth and experimental period, trying on new things for size, and its understandable if one of you finds that life presents more to explore...

    that being said, its not a nice thing to feel abandoned, and left out. he is checking in on you, because he cares for you and knows you're hurting. but he's trying to keep enough distance so that he doesn't dangle a carrot of hope that you're going to get back together.

    the best thing that you can do for yourself is to focus on you for a change. hit the gym, hang with friends & family. work it out, talk it out. my BF and i were together for 4 yrs, we had rings, we were going to marry, then he got cold feet and started fucking around behind my back. he didn't know how to tell me and break my heart, so he just started messing around until i found out, and was totally humiliated in front of mutual "friends". i didn't feel angry at first either, i tried to explain it away, i gave him the benefit of the doubt, i made all sorts of excuses for him. but the long and short of it is that he changed his mind, and made his decision.

    so i had 2 options: fall apart to pieces and wait for him to pick them up again (unlikely), or pick myself up, pull it all together, and go my own way. i chose the latter. i hit the gym, worked out my anger, amp'd up my body to what it is now, felt better about myself, and got myself feeling good enough to date again. believe me, the first year after the break-up i was so exhausted, i had nothing to give anyone. i could barely have casual sex. the 2nd year after the break-up, i dated a bit - 3 months here, 2 months there. nothing serious, just getting the wheels turning again. and here i am today. i don't hate him, but i rarely talk to him anymore. we exchange pleasant greetings on holidays and birthdays, but its nothing more than than a merry xmas or happy birthday.

    i think you need to accept that things have changed, and it wasn't your fault. you're feeling the loss and your heart is broken. you have to put it together again yourself, and find a way not to let the emotional scarring harden your heart. when you do this, other people will notice a strong and confident guy who is sensitive enough to handle emotions, but strong enough to take care of himself and others in his life. and you're getting there, but its going to take more time. take care icon_smile.gif
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Sep 04, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    Stop this being beaten up verbally and emotionally and move on. The guys a real dick wanting to have fun in florida and keeping you on the string. Theres other decent guys out there...Val