Those of ya'll in Long Term Relationships: is the degree/depth of love that you feel for the other...

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 24, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    the same degree of love that he feels for you?

    Are both partners supposed/required to feel the same degree/amount of love for the other?



    or



    Is it considered normal/acceptable for both partners to love the other; but for one to love the other more than he is loved by his partner?
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    Mar 24, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    Not sure if you count a year and a half a long-term relationship. I sometimes feel like I love him more than he loves me, but I'm not saying this maliciously: I tend to be a very emotional, sentimental guy and my boyfriend is more reserved. It's harder for him to show affection and to talk about his feelings. I know he loves me though because of little things he might do or say. A touch, a text message, etc. In my last relationship, which lasted over three years, I also often felt that my partner loved me less than I loved him, but again I think it's because of the type of person I am, highly affectionate and sentimental.
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:04 AM GMT
    Normal is defined by the individual couple, some people don't think gays are normal at all, so you have to start there.
    That said I have been in this relationship that has been growing for about four years and he has always been more romantic, affectionate, loving and understanding from day one. Part of that was because of the situation I was in when we met, but also part of that was he is just an amazing man who has a beautiful and open heart. He is the most complex man I have ever encountered, but when he loves someone, as he does me unconditionally, it is a clear and perfect thing.
    Because I have had a history of dating liars and psychopaths I am a bit more reserved, so there is no question that if there were a measurement of degrees of feelings or obviousness, his would chart higher.
    If one partner loves or seems to love the other partner "more" in a relationship, why would that be a problem?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 24, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    madfacts said...If one partner loves or seems to love the other partner "more" in a relationship, why would that be a problem?



    Yes, my thoughts also.



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    Mar 24, 2012 1:06 PM GMT
    My only requirement is that we adore each other so much it makes people around us nauseous hahahaha
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    Mar 24, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    rnch saidIs it considered normal/acceptable for both partners to love the other; but for one to love the other more than he is loved by his partner?

    As long as each partner RECEIVING the love is satisfied with it, then it's the correct amount. Even if the 2 amounts aren't equal. Some men are simply more outwardly romantic than others, perhaps more showy, like I am. Doesn't mean there isn't love inside the guy who's less demonstrative. You've gotta define the terms "depth & degree" of love.

    My husband shared a lovely thing with me the other day. He had returned from a meeting with a guy who was part of the team for the booth we operated at Pride Fest 2 weekends ago. And he expressed envy for my husband, because he said it was obvious to everyone there how much I adore him, and some of the others even talked about it (when neither of us could hear!).

    They said they saw it in my eyes, and how even my voice and body language were all geared to him. I was touched & pleased to be told this, and so happy this guy said it to my husband, but actually it wasn't new. I heard the same thing about my late partner & me, and my 2 long-term BFs.

    Both of whom complained about it, interestingly, because each was closeted, and they feared I was outing them with my riveting focus on them in public, the loving attention I gave them. And I've always also been told that when I'm with a man I love, even for mere weeks (and I fall in love very quickly), it seems like we've been together for many years.

    Yet I know both of my partners, though not as obvious as me about it, loved & love me very much. Little things they've said & done tell me as much as the more obvious things that I've done with them. So that I'm satisfied, content, and grateful.

    But if I felt very little love coming from a man, if our relationship became a roommates situation, then I would feel shortchanged. Though at the same time I probably wouldn't be showing him much love anymore, anyway. Because I really seem to merely be reflecting the love I feel coming to me. So that the more love I show him, the more love I know I'm already getting from him. I dunno, it's some kind of auto-reciprocal thing built into me, and now thinking too much about it, it doesn't sound romantic anymore. icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 24, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    To answer your question, I'm sure that our love for one another is most likely equal. However, he's never been very demonstrative. In the beginning I always wondered if he really loved me, just because he was reserved and never showed much affection. However, after almost 20 years, I can honestly say that when I look in his eyes or when he does some little unexpected things for me, I have no doubts that I am the center of his world and he is the center of mine. I think we both love one another equally and with everything we have.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 24, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    Interesting question. My guess is, those in a longer term relationship have a better grasp of the real answer.

    In my case, I think it is pretty equal. I never have to guess or "assess", I just know how he feels based on actions.
  • Roughie

    Posts: 14

    Mar 24, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    We've been together 15 years now. Both of us came out later in life. Love is a strange thing. Somedays I absolutely hate the twit, for something he did or didn't do, and he the same. But the love, still overrules it all. Something we both said in the beginning, lets not ever go to bed mad. No hate of bad feelings in the bedroom. And something we both agree on still now is that after good days and bad days, both of us never think of not wanting to come home after work......it's all good.. if you are honest with each other, love will show itself in different ways and levels every day.
  • Roughie

    Posts: 14

    Mar 24, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    ugg.. way too many double negatives in that post... my english teacher would have walloped me
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 24, 2012 7:41 PM GMT
    Roughie said...Both of us came out later in life. Love is a strange thing. Somedays I absolutely hate the twit, for something he did or didn't do, and he the same. But the love, still overrules it all... if you are honest with each other, love will show itself in different ways and levels every day.



    sounds like words from "the cobwebs of my mind" icon_exclaim.gif
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    Mar 24, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    I think it is pretty common for one person in a relationship to feel things more deeply than the other. For example, I think it is common for one person in a relationship to be more of an emotional thinker and one to be more of a logical thinker and they balance each other out but maybe the emotional thinker tends to feel love more deeply.
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    Mar 24, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidTo answer your question, I'm sure that our love for one another is most likely equal. However, he's never been very demonstrative. In the beginning I always wondered if he really loved me, just because he was reserved and never showed much affection. However, after almost 20 years, I can honestly say that when I look in his eyes or when he does some little unexpected things for me, I have no doubts that I am the center of his world and he is the center of mine. I think we both love one another equally and with everything we have.


    That is so awesome.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 24, 2012 9:58 PM GMT
    From someone like myself who have been deeply and madly in love before, and also being heartbroken such as many times!! I don't regret nor fear falling in love again and again, even if it hurts!!

    For those of us who have loved and knows what loves feels like we don't measure love by degrees but by the impact the experience it has in our personal growth!


    Leandro
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 25, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    anyone else icon_question.gif
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    Mar 25, 2012 5:29 PM GMT
    Sure, rnch....fast forward this vid to 1:30. icon_wink.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    It's like a GD, teeder totter.
    Just when I don't think he'll lift me back in the air; bam, I go flying.

    f'ng tell him.
    "If you would just say that more often, I would be the happiest guy on the planet"...that is all.
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    Mar 25, 2012 8:02 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidFrom someone like myself who have been deeply and madly in love before, and also being heartbroken such as many times!! I don't regret nor fear falling in love again and again, even if it hurts!!

    For those of us who have loved and knows what loves feels like we don't measure love by degrees but by the impact the experience it has in our personal growth!

    Leandro

    Beautifully written. And nice to see you posting again, dear Leandro, my oldest online friend here (by years of acquaintance, not of age, fellow veterans of an earlier gay site).

    What have you been up to? Did you know I've taken up golf? Well, still learning it at this point, but fully outfitted and already having fun.

    Anyway, hope to see more of you here. And nice profile pic you're using now. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 26, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    There was an episode on Malcom in the Middle where Lois does something and then Hal forgives her. She's angry that he forgave her and realizes that he loves her more than she loves him. Hal jokes that of course he loves her more. If Lois loved him as much as Hal lover her, they would never leave the bedroom.

    This question of who loves more is not fair.
    Feelings toward a partner change as time passes. I think as long as there is enough love and enough respect, it works out.

    I don't think I can ever remember my partner telling me he loves me. I know there are others he loves more than me: his children, his stupid red bike, his mother.

    Sometimes, it bothers me especially when we fight, but over the years I've been surprised and humbled often by how much he loves me and how much he wants to make me happy.

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    Mar 26, 2012 3:22 AM GMT
    How can you quantify love?
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    Mar 26, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    You're a country bumpkin, Mch? So cute! icon_eek.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • ashtare

    Posts: 9

    Mar 26, 2012 4:33 AM GMT
    The real comparison is if you love each other more than yourselves - if you can't conceive of happiness without each other.

    My husband and I are different people than when we started out. We grow wiser and foolish together. We've carried each other through good stuff and really rough stuff. Sometimes one gave more than the other.

    We both care more!