Loneliness

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    Mar 24, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    How many guys here have dealt with a chronic loneliness despite having mates and friends, yet it permeates and at times can be so overwhelming.

    If so, how have you managed to quell the waves/

    Its driving me fucking nuts

    maybe its becasue of the grief im feeling about my mother.. who know?
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    Mar 24, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    I am not too sure if my tendacy to be alone is chronic. But I am a very introverted guy, give me youtube and I am set for the day icon_razz.gif

    I think mine stems from being bullied too much as a kid and that affected my social life greatly. I tend to be very cautious of, or gauge people at length before I opening myself to her/him. Even then its tiny details about my life that I share.

    I do have friends I can hang out with but 8/10 I rather be by myself.

    I discovered that I am fine being that way, and there is nothing wrong with it. If its affecting you to the point of being agoraphobic / having panic attack in crowded areas, try to seek help at other websites or professional help. Maybe sharing your problems with the friends you are closest with can relieve some of that weight.

    I am no therapist and I too have emotional/psychological baggage I have to sort through.

    I hope sharing my story helped a bit icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 24, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    I think loneliness is normal to a certain point. We all have times in our lives where loneliness sinks in and we feel that we're isolated without someone to lean on. Where loneliness becomes an issue is when it becomes chronic and leads to depression or severe emotional mood swings.

    Grieving can definitely cause loneliness. It's a loss of something important, it's sad, it changes our personality and leaves us longing for our loss.

    I think if you're at the point where you're asking for help, definitely seek help. A therapist can help you to identify why you're feeling lonely and provide you some ideas/direction on how you can identify when those feelings are about to happen and how to deal with it. If it's a chemical imbalance, then there are medications that help to even out the extremes such as in bipolar feelings.

    There's nothing shameful about a therapist. Perhaps a half dozen visits will be enough to give you a better understanding of who you are and ways to better deal with the changes. Good luck.
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    Mar 24, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    Raises hand.
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    Mar 24, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    Loneliness is a funny thing.I have a personality that lends its self to being alone.I love to entertain and go to parties and snuggle with my BF.But before we met i was very happy layin in the sun,readings mags,going to the gym etc.My BF on the other hand does not like to be alone.My mother is neurotic in her old age about being alone.When I was a kid someone told me the phrase."never less alone then when alone" I sorta like that.Another good one is "better to be alone than wish you were" lol Ryan
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    Mar 24, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    I love my own company so it's never been an issue for me BUT I have to admit it's great to have someone to get into bed with and snuggle ! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 24, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    You all need to find groups and activities that you enjoy to take part in. Saying you feel lonely when you have mates and friends is just stupid since obviously you are not doing things that make you feel good.

    Trust me I was once this way then started to do things that I enjoyed and still spend 90% of my night alone but I'm not lonely since I know tomorrow will bring enjoyable prospects and I have friends who have my back and will be there if I need them.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Mar 24, 2012 6:19 PM GMT
    TheCelticFury saidYou all need to find groups and activities that you enjoy to take part in. Saying you feel lonely when you have mates and friends is just stupid since obviously you are not doing things that make you feel good.

    Trust me I was once this way then started to do things that I enjoyed and still spend 90% of my night alone but I'm not lonely since I know tomorrow will bring enjoyable prospects and I have friends who have my back and will be there if I need them.

    Well said!
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    Mar 24, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    Sometimes
  • leojock1985

    Posts: 76

    Mar 24, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    loneliness is a feeling that stems from having your happiness connected to another person. Think about it.. if you break it down you are "lonely" because you don't have "someone" in your life or a certain something.

    Bottom line boys is this.. if you can be happy with yourself and knowing you have the ability to make YOURSELF happy... there will be no lonely feelings ever again!!

    Society has put this unnecessary pressure for us to find someone or have something specific (be it a partner, best friend amount of friends, physical entities, ect) and it creates this negative emotion that so many people constantly battle with =Loneliness..

    I do not feel lonely because I make myself happy.. I'm at a point in my life where I don't need anyone in my life to make me happy.. I could live another 75 years and I won't ever feel lonely.. Maybe when my family is all gone I will certainly miss them but I don't think i'll feel lonely!!

    Idk I just don't get the whole self pity lonely thing.. Life is too short to have your happiness directly connected to another human being!!

    that's just my take on it
  • dtx1

    Posts: 155

    Mar 24, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    To the OP:
    If you can find a copy, you might consider reading Loneliness by Clark Moustakas. It's well written and fairly short, but is definitely not a fluffy, pop-psychology self-help book. I read the book years ago and it really stuck with me. Moustakas thoughtfully addresses the deep existential nature of loneliness, as well as the experience of feeling alone even when among friends. One of the main theses of the book is that even though it is not obvious to most, loneliness provides a potential opportunity for profound personal growth...*if* a person is self-aware and has the courage and ability to frame the experience of loneliness in an existentially meaningful manner.

    Moustakas also wrote a couple of other more specific books on loneliness but I haven't read either of those (one dealing with loneliness and love, another on loneliness and grief).

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    Mar 24, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    go to the doctor and do a blood test on lack of vitamins. I have had low vitamin D and B12 both result in depression. Now that I am taking supplements i feel better, also the weather in UK does not help, it being always cloudy and depressing.
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    Mar 24, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I can be by myself and not feel lonely, and I can be in a crowd of people and feel completely alone.

    I don't think either being alone or feeling lonely is necessarily a bad thing. I think it's a good thing for people to be comfortable by themselves sometimes. People who can't stand to be alone even for a little while go crazy when they're by themselves. Their lives are too dependent on the influence of others. Being reclusive all the time isn't good either. Humans are social creatures. It's built into our DNA to seek out the companionship of others. There's a balance between the two, and it varies based on each individual's personality.

    If you are feeling lonely around other people, then there is a probably a deeper issue going on. It's easy to feel isolated even with when you're with people because you don't feel like people notice or understand what you're feeling. People aren't mind-readers though. You can't expect them to know what you're going through unless you tell them. You may feeling alone because no one understands the grief you are feeling about your mother. Talk to someone. If you don't have a close friend that you feel comfortable to, then talk to a professional. It doesn't have to be a psychologist. There are grief counselors who specialize is dealing with this difficult situations.

    Good luck and feel better.
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    Mar 24, 2012 7:47 PM GMT
    blactor said

    maybe its becasue of the grief im feeling about my mother.. who know?


    This might be compounding your feelings. I'm assuming your mother has passed? If so, the first thing you need to do is find closure. Then you can deal with your own personal reasons for feeling lonely.
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    Mar 24, 2012 8:36 PM GMT
    I know that I sometimes idealize what it would be like to be in a relationship and my feelings of loneliness stems from that unrealistic concept. I know that no one else can make me happy and that I need to work on myself.

    I deal with it by being my own 'perfect date'. I've noticed that I'm a little bit more happier when I take myself out to the movies/restaurants. I also make an effort to hang out with my close friends.

    Happiness, like everything else good in life, must be worked at.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 24, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    blactor saidHow many guys here have dealt with a chronic loneliness despite having mates and friends, yet it permeates and at times can be so overwhelming.

    If so, how have you managed to quell the waves/

    Its driving me fucking nuts

    maybe its becasue of the grief im feeling about my mother.. who know?




    My dear british gent!!


    I too have being on the same path quite a few times! but every time I come out of it I learn a lot about myself, and IT has also helped me find out more about the world as I stood back as an observer. My british gent your loneliness is as temporary as the seasons in nature. Even thou loneliness, like the seasons, sometimes can feel the same all over again, I can assure you there is a cure to those blues, and I have the gut feeling you are close to finding out what that is!?

    I feel a sense of personal freedom, maturity, and a sexiness of wisdom in your persona as I strip down the essence of your lament. It feels quite liberating as I imagine in my head a typical British Isle gloomy day in your message. Your days may feel cold, cloudy, and dark but remember this; if life was filled with rays of sunshine everyday, as the companionship of another may make you feel, can you imagine how stagnant your soul will feel in time if happiness and companionship is all you inspire for to make you feel a part of something. If you look at the unsettling weather in nature and observe how all living things react to it, and stand long enough out in their elements, you will soon realize that no living thing ever feels alone, because they know that everything around them is part of themselves. So my dear british gent whenever loneliness visits you again, turn your face away from it and be glad you are in company of life as we know it!

    Perhaps loneliness is what your body feels, although I bet that your soul is in good company with wisdom! if so? you ought to celebrate and be glad you are in the company of a man's best companion "WISDOM" furthermore I can assure that not many gay men are as fortunate as you in finding it in their lives.

    Leandro
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 25, 2012 3:52 AM GMT
    blactor saidmaybe its becasue of the grief im feeling about my mother.. who know?


    I didn't read this part, so allow me to foremost express my deepest sympathies for the loss of your mother. Blake I can definitely understand how you feel, and if I were in your shoes, I too will briefly feel the same intensity of such loneliness/emptiness as well.

    Aside from the fact that my mother and I are very close she has being the only person in my entire life that not only have loved me unconditionally, but also the only person who understands and knows everything there is to know about me. I can only imagine how lonely and empty I will feel when she is gone. But I will probably cope and get out of such moods and hopefully recover quickly, mainly because I have never disappointed or failed her as the loving and good son that I have being while she is still living. Although I am aware that when someone so dear to you passes on forever, their absence can be very hard to accept, thus missing them can turn into loneliness or leave you with a sense of emptiness.

    Dear Blake I can assure you that after a while that same feeling of loneliness/emptiness will eventually be the right of passage towards a more meaningful and happy life for you.

    Leandro.
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    Mar 25, 2012 4:23 AM GMT
    loneliness is a #1 killer
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Mar 25, 2012 4:53 AM GMT
    All of us of course. We are humans. Humans seem to be designed to be dissatisfied even when we get what we think we want. We will find something wrong with it. Becaue of my Judaic upbringing, I think I understand why that is, but every religion among every people seem to say the same thing: being human means to be unsatisfied. It's the ultimate joke of the universe I think, lol.
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    Mar 25, 2012 4:59 AM GMT
    Sadly we enter this world alone and we leave this world alone (unless your siamese twins)
  • rubiks_cubed

    Posts: 6

    Mar 25, 2012 9:40 AM GMT
    I'd strongly suggest two books:

    1. Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, by John Cacioppo, U of Chicago. It's quite academic and a bit slow-going, but it's a must-read for a thorough understanding of how the cycle of chronic loneliness begins and perpetuates itself.

    2. Loneliness, by Emily White. This is more narrative in style and documents the author's own struggles with chronic loneliness. She cites Cacioppo quite a bit, so the two books are nice to read together. One thing in particular that I like about her is that she criticizes the trite advice that most people dish out: go out, make friends, join a sports league, volunteer. She's also a lesbian, so she knows about the interface between loneliness and sexual orientation.

    I have read both -- and used an entire package of highlighters in the process. Excellent reference lists in both, so I'd recommend looking through those, too.
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    Mar 25, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    Yup. I drink wine and sing power ballads to deal with it. Oh, like now *pours glass of shiraz*

    I like my own company, and I like the company of others. But sometimes I just get that feeling of being lonely. Usually it's after I spend a day or whatever with a group of friends, and I come home to......nothing. Usually I don't mind; sometimes it hits me.
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    Mar 25, 2012 9:48 AM GMT
    dash_8 saidYup. I drink wine and sing power ballads to deal with it. Oh, like now *pours glass of shiraz*

    I like my own company, and I like the company of others. But sometimes I just get that feeling of being lonely. Usually it's after I spend a day or whatever with a group of friends, and I come home to......nothing. Usually I don't mind; sometimes it hits me.


    Yes. We must be friends. icon_biggrin.gif This was my day yesterday exactly - except, I was out of wine... :-(

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    Mar 25, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    ask my rice queen friend, and he'll tell you that all us "Asians love sad shit" - haha! ok, he might be right, i do love sad shit, and sometimes i feel like i'll be single forever. but i also think that some of us are pre-disposed to melancholy, loneliness, and emotional sensitivities regardless of all the happiness, company, and tough skins in the world. we are the way we are. the trick is to recognise that it is not your only emotion, or psychological default. you experience lot of other feelings, and you can control how you perceive the world around you.

    ok, maybe something is buried deep down - i won't deny that we all are prone to the impacts of life's harshness. death, illness, financial ruin, social isolation and other tragedies are going to affect you deeply to such a point that its difficult to function in daily life (go to work, get out of the house, maintain relationships, etc.). this is where seeking professional help is a good idea. the trouble is that professional help is not cheap and not quick and not easy. it takes time, patience, strength and work (yes hard work) to unpack our emotional baggage in front of a stranger. but they are trained to help you build a safety net for you to fall into. good luck