Mar 26, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
So I think I might be going into an eating disorder. I have friends, which are all skinny and anemic. Every time I look at them and their shape, it makes me want to be skinny like them. I constantly think of losing weight and even exercise five times a week, this consists of running for 30 minutes then a routine of weight, including ab workout. But I find myself searching through diets and even searching through anorexic diet. I really want to lose weight. I am 196 and am 5'9 and a year back I was told I was obese and that I may develop diabetes in my 20s if I keep on eating how I'm eating. Since then I've wanted to lose weight so badly and feel so disgusted with myself after eating. I just want to go in the toilet and vomit, but I have never done this before. Every time I eat I feel so guilty with myself and hate myself for it and just think to myself that the only way to get rid of the guilt is to purge my food, but I never get myself to do it. I get scared. The body I really want is small waist, big thighs, big butt and be skinny. My goal is to weight 120 or at least 130. I don't know if that's too low but I want to be skinny. I look at women's body and it makes me feel guilty and makes me feel disgusted at myself because I'm so fat. When I'm around my friends I also feel fat, considering I'm the only fat person in the group. And also when I look at hot guys pass by I think to myself "If he was gay and I was skinny I can get someone like that" and it makes me feel so bad. So today as I stumbled through this website I saw so much fit people, so I'm just looking for answers, how can I truly lose weight without starving and every time I eat not feeling guilty? Help!