Sound Boarding: Relationship Advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2012 1:25 PM GMT
    A friend of mine that has been in a 3 yr relationship, is having some trouble. i'm having a hard time staying objective. because i'm starting to get upset with his lover, i hate seeing my friend cry. added to which i have a soft spot for him.

    Situation:

    his lover of 3 yrs has become detached, seemingly uncaring, cold and down right rude in the past 3 months.

    a couple weeks back he told him how much he missed him, and the reply was simply coldly "then get a hobby"

    some how everything they talk about, his partner turns it into an argument targeted targeted at him, and then going on the defensive.

    did i mention that it's a long distance relationship? NY - Atlanta
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    Mar 27, 2012 1:46 PM GMT
    been there, done that. long-distance is HARD without an end goal in sight. if after 3 years they don't have an end goal defined (e.g. we're going to move in together by month/year), the relationship is wearing so thin, that they are hanging onto threads.

    your friend needs to read the writing on the wall... or he needs a good friend who will help him translate the writing on the wall!. it isn't working out. both are being passive-aggressive (your friend for staying in a miserable relationship, his bf for being an asshole to him but not having the balls to break up).

    best thing to do is for them to go their separate ways and find someone who they can be happy with.
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    Mar 27, 2012 1:49 PM GMT
    The_Dollarwine saidA friend of mine that has been in a 3 yr relationship, is having some trouble. i'm having a hard time staying objective. because i'm starting to get upset with his lover, i hate seeing my friend cry. added to which i have a soft spot for him.

    Situation:

    his lover of 3 yrs has become detached, seemingly uncaring, cold and down right rude in the past 3 months.

    a couple weeks back he told him how much he missed him, and the reply was simply coldly "then get a hobby"

    some how everything they talk about, his partner turns it into an argument targeted targeted at him, and then going on the defensive.

    did i mention that it's a long distance relationship? NY - Atlanta


    I hate to say it but my gut says the guy is on his way out. He either met someone else or is just tired of the LDR and is disconnecting himself emotionally to facilitate the breakup.

    I wish I could tell you what to do since it doesn't sound like very good communication is happening. Since you have identified your own bias in the situation, any intervention on your part will likely be met with some hostility. I think the only thing you can do is encourage your friend to confront his BF and ask him to come clean: something is driving the change in attitude and he deserves to know what it is. Then be prepared to be supportive during the fallout.

    Sorry you're going through this, never fun.
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    Mar 27, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    Support your friend by encouraging him to think about the relationship and decide for himself if it's right for him. Don't sway him one way or another. Life is tough but we need to make life altering changes on our own. He needs support and you sound like the friend that can give it. Just don't try and make the decision for him based on your observations or experiences.

    Let him know you love him, are there for him and that no matter what decision he makes, you'll be there to catch him if he falls.

    Good luck, he's lucky to have a friend like you.
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    Mar 27, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    The other guy is no longer interested in the relationship but he doesn't have the balls to tell him it's over. This is no different from an employer who wants to fire his employee--he creates all kinds of problems for the employee, making it hard for the employee to stay, until the employee gives up and resigns. You know where this is going . . . .
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    Mar 27, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    all of what you guys said is what I've been thinking... but i just wasn't sure if i should say it.
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Mar 27, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    This sounds exactly like what just happened to me. It was a ldr I was still in love and he went cold. Unfortunately we broke up not long after. But when you tell your bf you are depressed and he tells you to just get over it, you know it will probably end soon. If he feels like the other guy doesn't care, he probably doesn't. People change. Sometimes you just have t
    o move on.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Mar 27, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    It does sound like the BF is avoiding direct confrontation in favor of creating subterfuge to cause the relationship to fail. It could be that the BF has found somebody else, or that the spark is gone, or the wear and tear of a LDR without resolution has gotten the better of him, or maybe he's just kind of a selfish jerk. Probably a combination of more than one of these possibilities.

    One thing is clear: he's obviously not communicating honestly. It sucks, because that kind of approach always creates so much unnecessary hurt, and it's invalidating, especially after 3 years.

    In any case, all you can be for your friend is a sounding board and a trusted support system. Avoid saying anything that might unnecessarily raise his level of distress and perhaps cause a rift between the two of you. Even when a relationship is clearly bad, advice from others isn't always appreciated and can damage a friendship.
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    Mar 28, 2012 3:03 AM GMT
    sounds like someone wants to break up but to chicken to do it so put the partner through hell so he would do the the break up....been there myself..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 3:34 AM GMT
    sfinboston saidsounds like someone wants to break up but to chicken to do it so put the partner through hell so he would do the the break up....been there myself..


    do we want to know on which end you were?

    Thanks Guys I Showed this to him and he said it helped him think through the whole situation i'm not sure what the decision is, but i am Glad this helped
  • MadBanana9

    Posts: 3

    Mar 30, 2012 12:10 AM GMT
    You were all right.. thanks.