Douche-bag or not?? Need some help on this one...

  • slim8692

    Posts: 3

    Mar 28, 2012 3:13 AM GMT
    Sorry for a long thread but I really need to rant... Long story short, I had a spare bedroom in my house and offered a guy a room back in October. He was the same age as me, was sane, and from what I had heard he was a good guy (and is).

    All was great. Good roommate. But something just bugged me about him. First time my "gaydar" had ever failed to give me a read on a guy. And usually i can scare the hell out of myself on accurately reading people in general. By mid February I developed feelings for him and from previous talks I knew he did not share feelings with men (he let on a bit homophobic). He grew into a friend and I put friends off limits anyways.

    So nice guy that I am made a conscious choice to tell him. A month ago i laid it out on the table, told him there would be no problems if he had no interest, that I just wanted to be upfront with him because of his religious beliefs, but I felt he needed to find another place when he could. I value friendship and MOST important thing on my mind was not to loose him as a friend(he's one i could call day or night and he'd show up).

    He seemed to take it well but in "shock". His only reaction was "Thanks for being honest." He told me it would be best to stay between us only and I agreed.

    PROBLEM: The NEXT night I came home and he was gone. His laptop was open on the couch in the tv room. So i jumped on it to check my email and his facebook was open to a conversation with his gf. He had already told her what I said the night before...told her "we" weren't going to happen, and all this bs of how he needed to move. I felt like he had stuck a knife in me after i read it. It really hurt but I manned up, kept the peace, and went on.

    Now its been over a month later and he is still here. There are plenty of places for rent now. But he has made no effort to look. We get along great but I am going crazy. I UPPED all the "benefit of the doubt" standards and i am even more objective than before. However, I would swear on my life he is back to dropping bigger signs than before the talk(there was about 2 weeks there was no signs at all). The quick eye glancestare when i am not looking sends my gaydar all to pieces. It is like he dont want to move at all.

    Bottom line, I need you fellas advice. I am not buying his straight act crap. My deep gut tells me this guy is a serious closet case mostly for religious and family fallout. Probably more bisexual at least. But this is not healthy for me and has to end. My problem is I am very picky and i be damn if this guy, providing he got his shit in order, i could see myself happily growing old with.

    1. Could this guy be in the closet(hence the need to tell the gf asap to justify to himself he is "straight")?
    2. Is a closet person worth holding on to or should cut strings with?
    3. Or maybe he is just a grade A douche using my kindness icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 3:30 AM GMT
    I came out to my first roommate in college the first day he moved in. He left the next day, and I had the whole dorm room to myself that semester.

    I had a hot R.A. too.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Mar 28, 2012 4:31 AM GMT
    Nothing you said makes me think he is gay. You're basing this on: 1. Him not moving out, and 2: Some random eye glances. Seriously?

    Maybe he is just to lazy to find another place. He is paying rent after all right? If anything you sound a little selfish that you want him out just because you have feelings for him, and he doesn't have feelings for you.

    Am I not reading what you wrote correctly... help me out here????? There HAS to be more validation than this...icon_rolleyes.gif


    Edit: You are troll status until further notice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    People respond to things in different ways. Maybe he felt like you were going to be sniffing his boxers or putting the moves on him so he felt uncomfortable at first. Maybe his gf calmed him down and told him to be more secure. A straight guy's fear is being made to feel uncomfortable. I think you should expect him to take some time to get used to it. And quit trying to interpret everything he does. Assume he is straight and represent us well. Don't be the creepy fag stereotype.
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    Mar 28, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    Assume that he is straight and use this as an opportunity to enlighten him about gays and dispel any stereotypes or preconceived notions that he may have. Don't hit on him in case he really is straight....then you would have validated every straight guys fear of having a gay roommate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    In answer to your questions:

    1. Yes
    2. Maybe, but you should probably cut the ties.
    3. Probably

    Bottom line: If you are uncomfortable with him living there, give him a deadline for moving out. I seriously doubt you want to help someone figure things out while trying to develop a relationship with him. Instead, let him know you are always open to a relationship if he decides he wants to move in that direction.

    Hope that helps,
    Kev
  • slim8692

    Posts: 3

    Mar 28, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidNothing you said makes me think he is gay. You're basing this on: 1. Him not moving out, and 2: Some random eye glances. Seriously?

    Maybe he is just to lazy to find another place. He is paying rent after all right? If anything you sound a little selfish that you want him out just because you have feelings for him, and he doesn't have feelings for you.

    Am I not reading what you wrote correctly... help me out here????? There HAS to be more validation than this...icon_rolleyes.gif


    Edit: You are troll status until further notice.


    Selfish? No.

    Poor story teller, yes. Not trying to "decode" anything more then the facts.

    No, he is not paying rent. Suppose to be taken care of the place with about 6 acres of grass to mow each week while i am gone and his lazy ass is not doing it. He lost his job in October. I was not even friends with him at the time. A mutual friend of ours inquired about the room since my job was soon requiring me to travel a lot more. Just trying to help someone out.

    I am NOT chasing him with sticks and I did not mean to offend anyone here
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    Man, I'm so confused. When you "laid it out on the table", what exactly did you lay out? That you're gay? That you like him? Both? And what was the reason for telling him he needed to find another place? You contradict yourself by saying that you don't want to lose him as a friend, yet, he cannot stay in your place.

    My brain... icon_question.gif?icon_confused.gif
  • slim8692

    Posts: 3

    Mar 28, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    marriedguy saidIn answer to your questions:

    1. Yes
    2. Maybe, but you should probably cut the ties.
    3. Probably

    Bottom line: If you are uncomfortable with him living there, give him a deadline for moving out. I seriously doubt you want to help someone figure things out while trying to develop a relationship with him. Instead, let him know you are always open to a relationship if he decides he wants to move in that direction.

    Hope that helps,
    Kev


    Thanks, actually what I was thinking. I hate to be the dick but he is not holding up his living agreement. I know he has to make that decision for himself. He knows how i feel already so not bringing it up more than once
  • jetracer1

    Posts: 5

    Mar 28, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    I say simply confront him on the living situation. Tell him to shape up or he has a deadline to be out. Got to be blunt sometimes

    As far as you liking him, closet guys are unpredictable. I would continue to ignore whatever signs you see. That may prompt him to make a move and may be why he is showing more signs to see if you notice. If he isa good friend as you say then enjoy it.

    And maybe next time get some more sleep before story time?? Lol icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 6:10 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidI came out to my first roommate in college the first day he moved in. He left the next day, and I had the whole dorm room to myself that semester.

    I had a hot R.A. too.


    I told my roommate via text or facebook before we met (I lived in Montana, he was coming from Chi Town) and he was kind of okay with it. He would get drunk and tell his friends he was living with a gay person and that he hoped I didn't have a lisp or anything like that (he told me this later on). We met and he seemed to be surprised, pleasantly, at my lack of "stereotypical gay-ness." He then went home over Christmas break and bragged about me being the "straightest gay he knew."

    Oh, those funny little gingers are so nice!

    We are still good friends to this day so it could have been much worse!

    TO OP: Sorry, rather talk about myself than you, kthxbai!
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Mar 28, 2012 11:47 AM GMT
    "But this is not healthy for me and has to end."

    There you go.
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    Mar 28, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    I am sick of these people, they are just snobs... liars and just trash. icon_twisted.gif

    I am tired of mixed signal cunt head arseholes.

    I have two of them next door to me. That is enough. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    And yeah... they are ALL douch-bags. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    So, in other words: You are willing to let a guy rent a room, but only if he is interested in initiating a "gay relationship" with you? If that is not in the contract, you are in trouble. There is a contract, a written contract, isn't there????

    It is not his problem, mate. You are the one with the crush on him. For all intents and purposes, he sounds straight, and as for him telling his GF about what you said, I don't think there's anything wrong. It's his girlfriend - who else is he gonna trust and open up to?

    You have a serious case of "CRUSH ON A STRAIGHT BOY-ALITIS".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    Martin_Maros saidSo, in other words: You are willing to let a guy rent a room, but only if he is interested in initiating a "gay relationship" with you? If that is not in the contract, you are in trouble. There is a contract, a written contract, isn't there????

    It is not his problem, mate. You are the one with the crush on him. For all intents and purposes, he sounds straight, and as for him telling his GF about what you said, I don't think there's anything wrong. It's his girlfriend - who else is he gonna trust and open up to?

    You have a serious case of "CRUSH ON A STRAIGHT BOY-ALITIS".


    They are all a load of mind game playing wankers. icon_twisted.gif
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Mar 28, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    Anything is possible. He is new to all this and has probably never been this close to a gay person, maybe he is thinking about it and trying to figure it all out himself, maybe he is straight but just likes the attention. The problem is that he may not honestly know himself and it could take a LONG time for him to figure it out. To the extent that you are content being friends you should be able to be patient and let him move at his own pace. To the extent that you are looking for a boyfriend, you will not be willing to wait, as you continue to develop romantic feelings.

    The bottom line is this: Fawning over straight guys, closet cases, and the "confused" is something like adopting an infant. Be prepared to deal with a lot of shit before they can walk and talk about all this. How many times has this happened in the past? Look at all the threads on this site about this type of situation--do any of those threads end in marital bliss?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    in other words... yeah, they are all douche bags. I live next to two of them. I hate em. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2012 11:16 PM GMT
    if i were you i would tell him to move out, and you seeing yourself growing old with him is just a little fantasy in your head.
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    Mar 28, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    He is living there rent free. He will not find a better situation than that. - He is what we call a mooch - or a freeloader.

    He is playing you because he likes the situation of living there rent-free.

    I highly doubt that he is gay or interested and any move you makes will immediately be "No Homo Bro..."

    Either start charging him rent or send him on his way. Maybe he should move in with the girlfriend.