Just found out my ex is in a new relationship...

  • Brando

    Posts: 161

    Mar 29, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    ...still have feelings for him.

    But if I cant be with him, I still want to be friends.
    Ive told him this a while back and we are ok.

    We text and chat every so often and
    Were just catching up earlier today.
    He didnt mention it.
    He been living in another state, but we ended it cause he wasnt ready for a relationship.

    Not sure how I feel. Its only been a few months since he said that.
    "He was too busy for a relationship." And I thought the distance was a good deal of it too... but nevertheless...

    Im happy for him.
    Im talking to someone else too.

    But, its been months and not a day goes by without me thinking of him.
    I know hes still young, and it probably wont last forever.
    But for now it sucks on one level, and is good on another.



    Do I ask him about it? (How they met, etc) and let him know its okay for us to talk about relationships and give each other advice?

    Or do you think itll just hurt me more?
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    Mar 29, 2012 4:49 AM GMT
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 29, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif


    Um what's so funny?
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    Mar 29, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    Jewlicious said
    paulflexes said
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif


    Um what's so funny?
    The words "been there, done that, got over it" come to mind. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 29, 2012 5:07 AM GMT
    mizzouguy10 said
    paulflexes said
    Jewlicious said
    paulflexes said
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif


    Um what's so funny?
    The words "been there, done that, got over it" come to mind. icon_wink.gif


    That's easy to say if you can't have real and stable relationships. From a third person's perspective it's hard to determine who's the real one with problems, the OP or you.


    You are not making any sense or I must be on glue tonight. Why bother lol
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    Mar 29, 2012 5:28 AM GMT
    You need to work hard and quick on forgetting about him and not paying attention to what he's doing. The whole "we broke up but I still want to be friends" thing can be VERY destructive, especially in your case where you admit you still have feelings and haven't processed the breakup to its endpoint. Move on and ignore how he's moving on.
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    Mar 29, 2012 6:52 PM GMT
    No. Give it time.

    You still have feelings for your ex, which will already make it difficult for you to be a friend to him.
    Instead, let him know that you're happy for him.

    With some time you'll get over him and then you can talk to him about his current relationship.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 29, 2012 7:15 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif


    What the fuck is wrong with you?
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    Mar 29, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    neosyllogy said
    paulflexes said
    Brando saidJust found out my ex is in a new relationship...
    I didn't even read the OP.
    I just LOL'd. icon_lol.gif


    What the fuck is wrong with you?


    Just hit that handy "Ignore His Posts" button, and you'll never have to hear from him again...everybody else does.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Mar 29, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidYou need to work hard and quick on forgetting about him and not paying attention to what he's doing. The whole "we broke up but I still want to be friends" thing can be VERY destructive, especially in your case where you admit you still have feelings and haven't processed the breakup to its endpoint. Move on and ignore how he's moving on.


    I don't agree with this entirely.
    It really depends on the relationship. I'm still very close to a number of my ex's. Most of them.
    That said, sometimes maintaining distance for awhile is really important emotionally/psychologically.
    It's worth noting that maintaining distance does NOT mean you can't be friends. You can back off and be friends again when you've both requilibriated.

    I can't say what's best for you in this situation. Sounds like you still have it pretty hard. But I did notice that you said "I know hes still young, and it probably wont last forever", which suggests some part of you is hoping that you and your ex are going to get back together (if I read it correctly).

    If a significant part of you is hoping to reunite with your ex then I'd be a bit dubious that you two can be honest friends at this point. But that's just my thought.
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    Mar 29, 2012 7:24 PM GMT
    Honestly, even though I'm sure you have a good heart and genuinely care, it's generally not a good idea to be friends, at least not so soon while things are still "fresh" and the feelings on your end haven't subsided.

    Trying to remain a part of his life, asking him stuff about his current/new relationship, etc. will only make you hold onto him more and make the "moving on" process that much more difficult, also further prolonging it. Take the fact that he's in another state as a good thing, for if he was close to you and/or you ran into each other frequently (whether through school, work, mutual friends, etc.) would have only made it more challenging. Good luck, and you will get through it.
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    Mar 29, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    this would have not happened if you were my friend icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 29, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    Ariodante saidYou need to work hard and quick on forgetting about him and not paying attention to what he's doing. The whole "we broke up but I still want to be friends" thing can be VERY destructive, especially in your case where you admit you still have feelings and haven't processed the breakup to its endpoint. Move on and ignore how he's moving on.

    Yes.
    Dr. JP prescribes total withdrawal from this guy.
    And I believe Dr. Ariodante will back me on this.
    I agree.

    If the OP still has feelings for the ex, and he says that he does, then keeping in touch will only keep those feelings alive. He needs to cut himself off from the ex if he wants to let those feelings die. Else he will only be torturing himself in the long run.
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    Mar 29, 2012 9:26 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidYou need to work hard and quick on forgetting about him and not paying attention to what he's doing. The whole "we broke up but I still want to be friends" thing can be VERY destructive, especially in your case where you admit you still have feelings and haven't processed the breakup to its endpoint. Move on and ignore how he's moving on.

    I agree, have nothing to do with him and move on. Maybe later down the road you two can be friends but for now it's best to have no contact with him.
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    Mar 29, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    My BF is still friends with 3 of his exes who he had LTRS with.He still speaks with 2 of them.I trust him and dont mind that he speaks with them but I still monitor texts and emails icon_smile.gif To quote President Reagan.Trust but verify. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 29, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    I'm still friends with everyone of my exes. It can be done. I'm actually pretty good friends with one of them... we can even joke about the awful things we did to each other when our relationship fizzled!

    But you gotta give it time. You can't go from intimacy to friends immediately. Work on you and your feelings right now, not helping to give him advice. Go out and party, have fun. Meet new people. Make new friends.

    Good luck!
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    Mar 29, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound like you're ready to be friends if it bothers you that he's moved on. Maybe you should take more space and end all communication for awhile. Trust me... it works!!
  • buffedrick

    Posts: 13

    Mar 29, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    my advice is always the same and it's painfully simple. No contact of any kind whatsoever for a VERY long time, perhaps years.

    'why' is he seeing someone else so fast is THE oldest question in the world, 1,000's of years old. There is no answer to that question.

    Time will heal and until then and again, it could be a few months, perhaps years, but no contact - none.
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    Mar 29, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    Ckfeezy said
    Ariodante saidYou need to work hard and quick on forgetting about him and not paying attention to what he's doing. The whole "we broke up but I still want to be friends" thing can be VERY destructive, especially in your case where you admit you still have feelings and haven't processed the breakup to its endpoint. Move on and ignore how he's moving on.

    I agree, have nothing to do with him and move on. Maybe later down the road you two can be friends but for now it's best to have no contact with him.
    These*
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    Mar 29, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    Sorry, but like everyone else here is saying, the less contact the better. Maybe you can be friends with him someday, but that can't happen until you have moved on and no longer have feelings for him.
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    Mar 29, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidIt doesn't sound like you're ready to be friends if it bothers you that he's moved on. Maybe you should take more space and end all communication for awhile. Trust me... it works!!


    Agreed. If you're even questioning the relationship, or your ability to discuss the relationship with you ex, then in your mind, he's not your ex. Find closure on your romantic relationship with him, then try to be his friend.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Mar 29, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    Try to move on. It's for the best, you need to find closure.
    A long time ago I was in a similar situation. Ex found a new bf within 2(3?) weeks of us breaking up.

    That was the signal I got that it is all over and there's no point lingering about the past.

    Never looked back and it's the best thing ever.
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    Mar 30, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    Just be happy for him and move on. Eventually you will find someone with whom you can be happy. Whether you should continue to maintain a long distance platonic relationship with him will depend on your emotional stamina. It would appear that you still have very strong feelings for him, and that may prove to be too difficult to overcome. Perhaps you should wait until your feelings for him have subsided, and then re-establish your friendship. There's nothing wrong with maintaining a close friendship with an ex. Best of luck.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 30, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    What did you do, sign a non-compete clause? Parting a relationship creates two free agents. You gotta put that torch out, bud.
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    Mar 30, 2012 7:56 PM GMT
    Build a bridge...

    and get over it