do you believe love is a justification?

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    Mar 30, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    so this is more a vent session really and it's a long story but I need an outlet since I've already talked about this with the person.

    So i have a friend who was with her boyfriend (now ex) for 3 years. Long story short he was the super possessive jealous type. I kind of had an inkling he might have been like that because when they were newly into their relationship he constantly kept saying "i didn't think she'd ever be into me" but I didn't say anything except for little things like congrats.
    So 80% of the time according to her, as I was one of the people she would vent to, it was mostly him getting annoyed at her for dressing too nice, or if someone random gave her a compliment he would give her silent treatment. She told me of this one time they went on a cruise and the guy who welcomes everyone on board called her georgeous and he didn't speak to her the entire cruise. D*CKHEAD honestly!!

    Anyway so she eventually breaks up with him to which I rejoice with a complete orchestra and choir. 6 months later through a mutual family friend function they meet up, and it starts off nice and he compliments her and then goes back to the same old crap and ignores her again.
    So I'm here telling her, seriously move on from this jerk because she is worth so much more than he's treating her. She keeps saying but she loves him and people don't understand and I said to her that of course she would love him, she invested 3 years into the guy but love isn't a justification to put up with that crap. Honestly, if he loved you too he would stop treating you like crap and wouldn't manipulate you into chasing him all the time with petty silent treatment.

    I basically told her to grow a pair and forget this guy because leaving it til later will only make it harder to do. So 7 months after that, they end up just catching up and he asks her if there's anything going on in her life in terms of rships. So she mentions how there is a guy who is interested in her and he's nice. So the douche bag tool moron has the audacity to get offended and asks for all his pictures back from her. MAJOR D*CKHEAD AGAIN! Long story short, he can't drive out of the drive way because he's so hurt and frozen. He tells her that he wants her to choose him but he doesn't want her to regret not trying something with that other guy if she really wants to. He then spins this bullsh*t saying he's not a perfect person and can't promise anything.

    So I basically at this point just got a little bit blunt and said that him saying that he's not perfect and can't make promises is his way of asking you to take him back exactly how he was before, nothing changed and the way he'll treat you will be the same. Even worse is that he's trying to make you feel guilty about not choosing him. She has said that she does want to get married and so I also told her if this jerk can't even put the effort to stop being a f*ckface what makes you think his "i do" promise will be any better?

    So she's always been the one to chase the guys so her resolution is that she'll wait for whoever chases her this time. If its the same guy, she'll go back and if its the new guy she'll go with him instead. I am actually really concerned for her so I said that even if he chases you, he has literally said to you in other words that he's not changed and is unwilling to change.
    So she says "but can people change" and I said of course they can if they want to. Influence is in many things that surround you, in people you're with, your environment, your thought life etc and so yes because influence always has caused a change if someone let it. So he CAN change but he doesn't WANT to! He keeps in contact with you enough to keep you remembering him but waits for you to chase him, which in normal human standards = as*hole!
    Then I said that even if he didn't change, why the hell would you be okay with a 80% shit time and 20% non shit time relationship??
    So she's like "but I see potential in him" and I said to her there's potential in everyone, there's potential in a freaking rock. It's not the potential that matters is what the person does with it! I told her in this situation, you need to stop following your heart and think with your head.

    Anyway so in short, it just drives me freaking insane how some people use love as a justification!!! I mean love is a HUGE factor I know, but in some circumstances love alone isn't enough nor does it justify such d*ckheadedness.

    That's my vent session since the people who I would normally vent this crap to aren't available at present. Hopefully I don't come across as a horrible friend, I told the short version but I was much more empathetic than how this probably comes across, but at this point if she makes the wrong decision I'm not going to feel sorry for her.
    I told her regardless of her choice, I will always support her, but honestly though inside I wouldn't feel that sorry for her if she made the wrong choice because she's informed and I wasn't the only one to say, she told me the other people she's spoken to about it said the same thing.

    alright sorry - vent finished.
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    Mar 30, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    The guy sounds like he has NPD, and if that's the case all the "potential" in him is faked.
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    Mar 31, 2012 12:15 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 31, 2012 7:44 PM GMT
    Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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    Apr 01, 2012 9:09 AM GMT
    ahhh right, okay thanks for clarifying.
    I was coming up with my own definitions lol, like needy person disorder or something haha. I thought it was internet colloquialism, but yeah he might have that.

    I think for him, what he see's as him trying to be 'selfless' is him actually being really selfish ironically.