Do friends really come and go, I feel I’m at the end of my rope (warning its long)

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    Mar 31, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    All my life I’ve been a loner, I remember back in elementary school I was the sweet shy guy but I was still able to raise my hand in class and not cared of what others thought of me, I was also quiet , I wouldn’t say rejected, just different from others… but I always had a smile on face (: I was the happy kid back then.. until came high school, that smile faded away… My first few weeks in HS were not the greatest… I’ve seen people getting bullied which made me scared , I thought to myself that I was an easy target since I’m really shy and quiet, and last thing I wanted was to get humiliated in front of a class or a crowd…

    During my time in HS, I spent most of my time in the library studying, I had “friends” to hang out with, but in the end I wasn’t happy , they were sometimes rude or mean to me , so I switched back and forth with other group of friends.. but I would say overall these 5 years I was on my own.. me, myself and I, walking up those stairs up and down , go to class , walked out of there feeling depressed for the entire day then next day felt better, and then next day got picked on, and the whole cycle started again, highs and lows…

    Anyway, my high school days are over, and I can say it completely messed up my self esteem and I started college and I had the time of my life! I met great people , went out more, they showed me places to hangout, the only time of my life where I can honestly say that I had a social life… I met this guy who I thought was really nice, I told myself “whoa.. I think I finally found a friend” and then one day he told me he was bisexual, back then I knew I was gay… but I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t trust him, believe me I wanted to tell him, it would have been nice to finally had someone to talk too… but he was acting weird , I caught him in a few lies, and he loved to talk trash about his closest friends behind their backs.. so I couldn’t trust him.. had to ditch him…

    And then I started University, and this is why I’m at my lowest… my first year I thought it was awesome, I met great guys but they weren’t in the same major as mine, so I couldn’t really see them again. I find its really hard to talk to people at uni, everyone is so busy, in a hurry and don’t really have time to talk.. and even the teachers made feel depressed… they tend to send you away, they hate emails or questions... I know its university, that’s life I get it, but when you don’t have anyone to talk too or hangout with… and these are the people you’re being faced with every single day… you start getting more depressed…



    During my first year, I didn’t have a job , so life was pretty simple , school, home, school, home and it came to a point I started having some panic attacks, I had many outside (at school or any crowded places) and one at home which I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with generalized/social anxiety disorder and later on , OCD.

    I was prescribed meds for the first time, it was hell I tried so many of them , they gave me nasty side effects, I had to stay in bed, and every single day I was anxious, constantly worrying about having a panic attack, and on top of that I was on my own.. no friends, just my family… it was then that I ditched that guy from college, because he knew I wasn’t feeling well, I needed someone to go out with to change ideas, make me feel better, and he didn’t care to help me…



    In my second year, I met this girl, really nice, sweet, caring we really bonded, and by the end of the term I told her about my anxiety, OCD everything, I really trust her, really cool friend, however she got pregnant before the following term, couldn’t attend classes, took a year off and told me she would go back to school.. but we wouldn’t be in the same classes together since I’m ahead of her… so I haven’t seen anymore…
    What the hell.. am I cursed ? I feel I’m meant to be alone… this is why I feel people come and go in your life, and learn something from them...

    The more I’m by myself the less confident I become.. , I isolate myself at home alot , I’m losing hope, ever since I was diagnosed… I feel different from others… The other day some guy wanted to take me out on a date, he was asking so many questions.. and wondered why I don’t go out, or not having a facebook… and then I got angry and told him everything, about anxiety, ocd, and no friends
    and his response was “I’m surprised a pretty cute guy like yourself has no friends” I was like WTF!
    and heres the bomb
    .. I told him, I’m not ready to date or even talk , I’m going through something… He then says “ Well you’re on medication, I’m sure you can control yourself” AGAIN WTF.. what a jerk! I was so angry, I never spoke to him again

    I got really depressed that day, all this pressure of being “normal” or not being at the same level with anyone… just kills me


    Also, I can’t really go out in crowded places .. just today I went out and ate with family , it was really crowded, I was nervous, couldn’t really eat my food, I was shaking, felt that people were staring at me. I was looking around and saw a group of people of my age sitting at a table having a good time, laughing and I thought to myself… I wish one day it could happen to me.. at that moment the thought of it was really sad ….

    This week for the first time, I had thoughts about ending my life on my birthday… which is soon, in a week, but I won’t do it! It’s stupid and selfish, I have to fight this “thing” …

    So I joined realjock and some other site, so I can talk with guys , its only been a month… I loved it at first because I needed a change in my life and felt that chatting with others would make feel less lonely… and because I don’t go often, I tend to get infatuated with guys online, and get hurt in the end.. I feel I shouldn’t be here until I get better… by better I mean, working on my life, be busy, and work …

    But I’d definitively admit that being here seeing other guys getting in shape, or looking at the athletes here, makes me want to hit the gym now.. this is why I’m excited for this summer, hoping for a change, so its more of a happy exit, rather than a sad one..

    What do you guys think?
    Sorry it was long!, I typed it all down so I can remember every detail before seeing my new therapist this week… and reading all this over and over again makes me feel better lol

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Apr 01, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    You're 23. You can't start something by saying "all my life." You have much more grief to deal with, trust me.
  • Coug24_wyo

    Posts: 147

    Apr 01, 2012 12:42 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidYou're 23. You can't start something by saying "all my life." You have much more grief to deal with, trust me.


    Actually he can start it by all his life, because to this point his life has consisted of 23 years of experience, and that can be summarized =).

    Why be so harsh? Just give some advice or move along hater, people of EVERY age have feelings and their viable regardless if worse/better ones are going to come in the future.

    ps. sent you a message what I thought about your situation OP!
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    Apr 01, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    People come and go, friends stay love with you.

    Try Toronto, ppl are much more busy here and have no time to care about you.
    I miss Montreal where I went to school for 5 years.

    Cheers man, join a club for sports, if there is anyone with some interest with you it`s much easier. I am going to try the Toronto gay friendly baseball soon.
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    Apr 01, 2012 1:10 AM GMT
    Hi My name is James, and I felt the way you do..sometimes I still do
    I have had the panic attacks and stuff, and I get it.

    I live by this "Some People are only in your life for a season"

    This is really true, I have had people I have known for a few months , leave or die or whatnot but have changed me and my view of life forever.
    I think you need to learn that at the end of the day all you truly have is you.

    Not trying to depress you more, but it is like this. How can people want to be around you, when you put off a negative vibe.

    I smile even when I am upset and soon I forget I am upset, I went to your profile. You are crazy cute and tall, and you have so many options for both friends and lovers.

    I think that you need to do what I do, look in the mirror and say something that you like about you, or something that you are grateful for.

    People put too much emphasis on how many friends they have when at the end of the day , how you live or what you live for does not concern them, and eventually over time if you died you would be a distant memory to them.

    Not trying to sound bitter, but you have to have priorites first.
    I use to be truly alone..I mean neither friends nor family and it drove me insane, but I just starting walking up and making convos, and letting people in and when they left I just shrugged it off.

    Now sometimes people call me, and I don't want to answer the phones.
    Those people who are busy at University...is how I think you shouldbe.

    Focus on you and what you want out of life, and then stuff will gradually come. Work, write, go on vacation. Have fun or something. When you are constantly thinking about something, not only does it bother you, but it drains you and can make you sick.

    A watched pot never boils.
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    Apr 01, 2012 1:33 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidYou're 23. You can't start something by saying "all my life." You have much more grief to deal with, trust me.


    And how!
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    Apr 01, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    Exercise will help with your socialization, and feel good hormones.

    You might want to pick up the book: SOS Help For Emotions.

    IF you're on an anti-depressant and you feel worse, STOP IT.

    Think about how you can create an intelligent / engineering community. That is put yourself into situations that might change your current feelings and get you more connected with people. It can be hard, and folks can be cliquish and down right rude, but, it just takes a friend, or two to really change things.

    Even if you do nothing, which is dumb, things will change at some point. They always do.

    You need to see a professional, almost certainly and execute some CBT.

    Stop awfulizing. It can be hard, but it's almost about your perspective. Staying active can help get your hormones in order. The right anti-depressant may completely change things for you. Being on the pity pot will not only make your feel crappy, but, folks will avoid you for being a downer. Go do stuff that makes you laugh. You'll feel much better.

    Good luck.
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    Apr 01, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    When you feel you can't relate to other people because you don't have friends it makes it even harder to make them. Perhaps the first step is to realize that you're not alone in this, that a lot of people regardless of how they look have legitimate reasons for being unable to easily connect with others. Start by connecting with others like you. An internet community like this, despite the perpetual flaming and trolling, is a safe place to start, to try things out as practice runs for the real world. Not that RJ is a microcosm of the real world, far from it - in fact, surprising to some, it can be even more evolved, but like most online, "virtual" venues by definition you can't take it and some of the guys you converse with here too seriously. But all the practice you put forth on here won't do you much good if you don't try things out and engage yourself more in the real world. There are friends both in here and out there waiting to me made, I assure you, and they're worth waiting for. Finally, there's nothing wrong with being a loner. Just as only some people are cut out for monogamy some are only cut out for and comfortable with a small circle of friends. Popularity is overrated.

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    Apr 01, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    been there too, and, all I can say is, don't give up buddy. life definately gets better as you get older - oh, and, therapy helped too..
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    Apr 01, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    TrueBlueAussie said
    barriehomeboy saidYou're 23. You can't start something by saying "all my life." You have much more grief to deal with, trust me.


    And how!
    Insensitive and unnecessary
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    Apr 01, 2012 4:38 AM GMT
    It sounds like you have agoraphobia and it is not that uncommon. Taking up a sport will help your anxiety and get you out of the house. If a gym is too scary try running or biking. Be disciplined and do it regularly. The exercise will probably get rid of the panic attacks you have in public and it should make you feel better about yourself. You need to begin to focus on self nurturing tasks. Important ways to help your health.

    When I was in college I had a friend who's mom suffered from agoraphobia. She took up running and it cured her. She ended up writing a book "the housewife and the assassine". In the book she was a housewife in a bad marriage who suffered from agoraphobia. She took up running and was surprised how dangerous it was as it seemed cars kept trying to run her over. Turns out her husband had been having an affair with a crazy woman and when he told her he was returning to his wife she hired a hit man to kill her. The wife started noticing this hit man following her and not knowing his trade she was quite taken by him. A mutual fascination began to develop and when he finally shoots her at the end he runs to rescue her and bring her to the hospital because at this point he had grown so attached to her. I'm not doing the book justice but it was loaded with metaphors about the battle you are having.

    I ran with her mom when she came to school. I was on the team back then and we ran 10 miles in 60s minutes casually chatting the whole time. She was close to 50 and I was shocked at how good she was at running. She divorced after taking up running because her marriage was part of the problem that was giving her agoraphobia and hurting her self esteem.

    I think there is a story there for you.
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    Apr 01, 2012 4:48 AM GMT
    uh oh I shot cupid:

    Steefen: You need the benefit of work experience or something. Here's an example. Probably every job you can get has marketing as an activity.

    You need to learn how to present yourself.

    People are on matchmaking sites to let cupid shoot his arrows which bring people together.

    In a sense Cupid is the dispenser of blessings which enrich lives.

    Astrologically speaking, we have two selves: our outer self and our inner self. People get analysts, psychological astrologers, church Men's small groups, to stabilize themselves, to center themselves. People also move to places which have resources. Some cities have GLBT Centers, some don't.

    Uh-Oh, I Shot Cupid should make any level-headed person avoid you.

    Cupid brings people together in the context of nakedness, vulnerability, intimacy.

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    Apr 01, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    Uh-oh, I shot cupid:

    Steefen: Hopefully, you're thinking about "putting on your best suit" and presenting yourself to be desirable and approachable.

    Uh-oh, I shot cupid: All my life I’ve been a loner.

    Steefen: I need to see your A*C*G map (AstroCartoGraphy map), and your natal chart; but, your statement implies you have luminaries either at your AS or you MC (your Ascendant or your Midheaven).

    Uh-oh, I shot cupid: I’ve seen people getting bullied which made me scared. I thought to myself that I was an easy target since I’m really shy and quiet, and last thing I wanted was to get humiliated in front of a class or a crowd…

    Steefen: You need some courage to be you. You also will need to develop courage. So, beyond liking yourself and accepting yourself for being a loner, you're going to have to say, "I'm okay and there are people who are okay with me being a loner and quiet." Say it! "I'm okay, I like myself. I even love myself and other people like me and love me. Being me is socially acceptable." I have a mature humility but I do not go overboard thinking I will be humiliated. People will come to my defense if someone tries to humiliate me.

    Say it! I will defend myself, my family members, my relatives will not stand by and let my ass get kicked. SOMEONE WILL HELP ME. Although I'm a loner, people appreciate loners as well as social butterflies. Museums are filled with artists who've worked alone to create a work of art. Programmers also work alone. People who are loners have social value and society does the opposite of humiliating loners, they value and respect the journey of the diversity of human life.
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    Apr 01, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    Uh-oh, I Shot Cupid: During my first year, I didn’t have a job, so life was pretty simple , school, home, school, home and it came to a point I started having some panic attacks, I had many outside (at school or any crowded places) and one at home for which I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with generalized/social anxiety disorder and later on, OCD.

    Steefen: Problem #1 You didn't get involved in extra-curricular activities.

    There are SO many activities in high school, community college, and university. Social skills/graces develop. Even if you're a loner, some social interaction keeps one mentally healthy and functional. Sure, I could have been a bookworm, but I realized I had loneliness issues or just a desire to interact with people.

    No, I do not like team sports at all. My idea of a sports team is one other person playing tennis doubles with me.

    Anyway, there's track, (solo activity), there's swimming (solo activity), there's student government, Toastmasters, Honor Societies, student organizations related to your major. Besides, when you're helping others and spending time with others, you see people looking at you constructively!

    You need to name one sport you like in your RJ profile. Why because you can find that activity somewhere on the globe and there will be a crowd of people enjoying being spectators to that activity. That crowd would be with you instead of against you.



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    Apr 01, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    Uh-oh, I shot cupid: I isolate myself at home alot.

    Steefen: Maybe you don't have emotional support at home.

    Uh-oh, I shot cupid: The other day some guy wanted to take me out on a date, he was asking so many questions.. and wondered why I don’t go out, or not having a facebook… and then I got angry and told him everything, about anxiety, ocd, and no friends
    and his response was “I’m surprised a pretty cute guy like yourself has no friends” I was like WTF!

    Steefen: And I'm like, WTF, you shot your Cupid again.

    There's a great sermon I heard once. A man needed to be rescued. A few people came his way and he did not accept the help. Be GRACIOUS and not turn harmless, helping people away, out of your life.

    Uh-oh, I shot cupid: and heres the bomb .. I told him, I’m not ready to date or even talk , I’m going through something… He then says “ Well you’re on medication, I’m sure you can control yourself”

    Steefen: Let's say you were hospitalized in a mental institution, guess what? Group interaction would be part of your recovery. You're not ready to talk? Get a grip. You wrote a long forum post. You CAN communicate with other people. Being on medication SHOULD make you harmless. He was right.

    You were right because you didn't have the poise to be gracious and kind to a person visiting you in your isolation. Magic: dispelling your isolation because he was there looking for your bright side, seeing you as redeemable.

    Uh-oh, I shot Cupid: AGAIN WTF.. what a jerk! I was so angry, I never spoke to him again.

    Steefen: He wasn't a jerk. If you had an effing dog, the dog would engage you.

    If you are unable to process and accept kindness from other people, that could be a possibility. Realize it and do not let that run your life. Allow kindness in so you can have at least the minimum social life to keep you from flipping out and getting hospitalized and medicated.

    Time for you to reply.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:17 PM GMT
    As others have said, you need to get active and join clubs / activities that interest you. If you don't know what you might like, then consider trying out new things. You simply won't make friends just attending classes, especially if you're living alone / at home.

    Oddly enough for me my largest friendship circle was during high school when I kept myself involved. Student Council, Junior class, Prom / Homecoming volunteering, all that stuff. Unfortunately when I went to college, it was just too big for me. I focused on school and not doing much outside of that. I became very introverted and didn't hang out with friends. Lack of interest in drinking didn't help my situation. Started playing video games way too much, etc.

    Once your out of college it gets very hard, especially if you aren't into the club scene and don't have a good foundation of friends from your college / hs days. One of my biggest regrets during college was not getting involved in gay associations to meet people I could hang with in a good environment.

    Hope things work out for you!

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    Apr 07, 2012 5:32 PM GMT
    Don't wait for summer to join a gym, do it now.

    Also, what is your living situation like, do you share accommodation?

    Finally, stop defining yourself as a loner shy guy, you do that and you are just reinforcing the idea that you will be forever alone.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    OP. I am 36, and I am in the same situation. Everyone is different.

    I am only developing a self-esteem for the first time in my life now. - I was the fat kid and I was bullied not only at school but at home. So I was never allowed to feel good about myself, nor stand up for myself.

    So, now I am working on it. It is possible for you to move on from this and life to turn out great. Just hang in there. I know that the first step is self-acceptance. It may sound cliche' but you have to learn to love and accept yourself.

    I also sometimes use this site as a cure for my loneliness, but if you believe this is a substitute for human interaction, you are mistaken. You will only feel more lonely. This site has helped me build confidence so that I can step out and feel more confident with my interactions with people in real life. I hope you can make that your goal.

    I have learned that sometimes you have to confront your fears and step out. You may be afraid, but you just have to do it afraid. It's the only way to overcome it.