[LONG POST] Gay relationship Drama + Grindr. Advice needed

  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Mar 31, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    I'm 23 and gay. I spent a fair chunk of my life from 16 onwards being miserable and coming to terms with it.
    When I was 22 and I finally thought it's time to do actually do something about this. And so on.. I got my first boyfriend, he was 30, Brazilian , very handsome and here in Australia studying.
    The relationship lasted 8 months and 2 days and I'm writing because I want to know if I made the correct decision to finish it.
    I had never been in a relationship before and I had never been with someone that I felt like I loved.

    Back to the story..I wasn't out yet and he was looking for a new place to live. I had been living with my family which are conservative Christians and made the whole coming to terms with being gay more prolonged and difficult. I wanted to be more independent so I agreed to move in together when we had been dating for about 3 months. It really helped me to come to terms with it and now all my friends and family know about me and him as he was a great support.

    At first it was great, he always and still does speaks to me very nicely, but eventually we started to have a lot of problems.
    He was always spoke very nice with me and when he use to speak about how he loved me he would tear up, it was really touching. He also offered numerous times later in the relationship about 6 months or so, that he would be willing to keep extending his visa to see where the relationship went because he thought he might like to marry me.

    The problems started when he wanted to make more friends while he was here in Australia. On smartphones there is an app which allows you to see what gay guys are in your area. It's primary a hook up up but yes, there are a small percentage of people not in open relationships that are only after friends.
    I wasn't too keen on the idea and I suggested a lot of other ways to make friends but he really pressed the point with me and told me that I needed to trust him.
    However, things started to give me a vibe on what his intention was. For example, he would tell me stories that his last relationship was 4 years ago, but in another story he only had a boyfriend 1 year ago. The 4 years ago was his last 'major' relationship.
    I put this app on my phone as well as being new to being gay I only new 3 gay people, but he was always really uptight about me using it.
    I imagined we would be really clear with each other and show each other what friends we were making and of course discuss what was happening. But he was always admittedly refused to talk about it or show me what he was doing on there, but he was more than happy to check mine to see what I was doing.
    Eventually he left his phone open and I had a peak, to find that he had been using it to meet a guy in the showers of his gym. This guy was a friend of the only 2 gay guys I was friends with! Like most problems that arose, he told me for him it wasn't important because they 'didn't touch' and he was clear that he wanted to stay with me. However, it was never the act that hurt it was the betrayal I felt in trust because he knew I was against the idea in the first place.
    I cried about it and he was always saying that he made a big mistake and if I finished the relationship he would accept that as a consequence. But of course I felt like I loved him so I continued the relationship.

    We agreed to delete the app and he even admitted that the temptation was too great and it damaged his mind. And following those sorts of temptations might be good for him but 'bad for me'.
    But everytime I would do something he didn't like, he would install them back on his phone. For example, we went to a party and I was dancing with my friend and he left back to our house without telling me. He told me where he was and I knew he was expecting me to chase after him but I stayed with my friend and arrived home early still at about 10pm. But we had a huge argument about it and he told me not to speak to him anymore and I decided to go stay in my parents place and then as the consequence of him 'being alone' he put this application back on as well with numerous others and refused to delete them.

    Eventually these sorts of arguments kept continuing and at the end of the lease I was stressed and very emotional (I would cry at the drop of a hat) and I decided it would be best to live separate. He said that if choose that we would finish but I talked him into the benefits of living separate. Plus now I am 6 weeks behind with my studies! He agreed.
    The very first day we live seperate he met a guy off this chat without giving me a heads up or anything. He always use to tell me what he was doing or what he was up to. But this day he was very silent so I rang him and after numerous vague responses I asked him if he was with someone from this chat and he said yes.
    Well I tried to call him back and text him a lot of times and he didn't respond. Eventually he did pick up the phone and I asked why he didn't respond and he said 'because he didn't feel like it' and I also asked what he was up to and he said he had just finished work (he went to work after meeting this guy) and was heading home. But that was a lie because my friends seen him heading back from his house to where the night clubs are in normal clothes. He went out all night with this person and stayed in his house but assures me 'nothing happened' and once again I've made big drama about nothing.
    But I said if you wanted friends and broken my trust before and won't compromise me about it then wouldn't it be nice to let me know first.

    His argument is that he doesn't like to share the bed with his female friend where he was staying temporarily and he didn't tell me because we live separate now and he can do whatever thing and he didn't answer my calls because he just wanted to enjoy the time with his friend.

    I asked the person in grindr what happened but he didnt respond and told the bf that I asked.

    I was so angry this night that I deleted him off fb and changed my status to single. I mean i was ending the relationship. I wanted nothing more to do with him and I was super upset because I felt once again that he just isn't clear with me. I tend to act in a moment of fury and I probably sound a bit psychotic or whatever.


    I know this sounds very immature, but it's all been very intense and exhausting to live. I can tell he wants to continue he keeps messaging saying I love you and miss you but i havne't responded but I feel like he was just using me and won't acknowledge it because the whole time it's seemed like he was shopping for something better.

    He did spend a fair chuck of money extending his visa to see where this relationship went to which really confuses me because his behaviour in this time has been super difficult to deal with. Notably, I also think he has a nice heart and I love the nice things he says to me and how affectionate he is with me but we can't ever seem to move past this grindr issue. I just feel like he isn't clear with me and even now we haven't spoken for a few days I am still trying to think whether I did the right thing because now he will return home to his country.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    Here's my analysis: It's not going to work. You no longer trust him, and he doesn't seem to be willing to make the effort to earn back your trust. It seems like these games will persist if the relationship continues.

    I also think you know in your heart that it's over. The relationship has gotten to the point where it's no longer sustainable. I think it's time to move on.
  • Rawrdo

    Posts: 343

    Apr 01, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    I don't know if it's just me that has noticed this, but personally I think a lot of gays out there are afraid of ending up growing old and alone and thus tend to clutch onto their boyfriends as if their life depended on them. Unfortunately, as a result, they tend to rush into things, go out with someone who isn't their match and they argue break up and reconcile just to repeat the entire cycle again. After all, there's no way that they'll find someone out there better, right? To me, it sounded like you were able to escape from that cycle, and although it might seem hard at first, you are far better off than in it. Since he kept going through that phase of going back to grindr after every problems/fights it sure doesn't sound like he was ready to be in an actual relationship where both people aim to work their problems and reconcile. Personally, I think you just saved yourself a lot of unnecessary future drama and heartache.
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    Apr 01, 2012 3:13 AM GMT
    It is over and you need to move on. Take what you have learned from this experience and use it to protect your self in the future. There are more fish in the sea. Trust me. Finish your Education and then worry about a relationship.
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    Apr 01, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    It sucks that you had to go through all that.

    Did you do the right thing by breaking up with him? I'd say yes.

    Your relationship with him sounds very exhausting and that's not really how a relationship should be. Once a trust is betrayed, it is extremely difficult to get back. Sometimes when you are too in love with someone (and the breakup has been recent), you get tempted when they try to get you back. Some guys are just good at that manoeuvre. I think in your case, it is best to move on.
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    Apr 01, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    Ha been there done that, this is why precisely why I'm no longer interested in relationships right. Too many games,anyways guy you made the right choice and don't take him back. He will "change" but will fall back to his old habit. Move on to the next one.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 19, 2012 4:45 AM GMT
    Update: he admitted that he did cheat on me this night because he was drunk and angry with me about being mad about him meeting this person.

    I'm so confused with my feeling because he has been trying very hard to get me to continue the relationship and he has said sorry numerous times and says he is willing to do anything i require in order to have me back.

    I still love him but i feel bitter thinking about him with another person.

    I dont know what to do
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    Apr 19, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    Sounds like you need a open relationship. Enjoy him for all the reasons you do and enjoy others for the their good qualities as well . Don't limit yourself or punish yourself by feeling you are stuck with one guy that obviously needs to experiment as well.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 19, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    maybe my last reply was worded wrong.
    I haven't met anyone nor do I want to.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Apr 19, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    It sounds to me like he was in the planning stages for leaving you. By trying to line up more 'friends' when you were on the outs, he was hedging his bets. So yeah, you did the right thing by leaving him.

    It was your first relationship and it doesn't sound like you got out of it too banged up, so move on.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 19, 2012 7:24 AM GMT
    Ok, been there done that except not with an APP. There are several issues going on here you need to separate out.

    Starting with the visa thing, that's not your problem how much he spent or if he can stay. That all his decision and you shouldn't feel obligated to help him stay unless he is totally doing everything right in the relationship and not making your life miserable. He is kind of using you there.

    Which brings me to the second issue. He has not grown up. You sound more mature then he is and I think you said he is 30? Google: Peter Pan Syndrome.

    Third, it sounds like you both care about each other, but that dose not mean you should be together or that an open relationship would solve you problems. I know a couple right now with an open relationship and its still not working out.

    My impression is that he is jealous of you, loves you, hates you, wants to be free, wants to be only with you, want to be exclusive, wants to play around. In other words, he dose not know what he wants and wants them all at the same time.

    In my opinion, and speaking from experience what you did breaking up with him was right. You need to take control of your live and you did. His immaturity mixed with complex emotions are send you mixed signals.

    Until he grows up, you really cant have a good relationship with him. Maybe he will learn from this, maybe not. Only time will tell if he truly wants to change and get you back or just continue this patter with the next guy.

    On a more positive note, I can say that sometimes they do change. In may case it took about a year of not seeing each other, dating other people etc. he came back on his knees. Literally! Relationship lasted a long long time. Many year, more then all my other friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 19, 2012 7:42 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidSounds like you need a open relationship. Enjoy him for all the reasons you do and enjoy others for the their good qualities as well . Don't limit yourself or punish yourself by feeling you are stuck with one guy that obviously needs to experiment as well.


    Heh. Be careful on saying "open relationship".

    The RJ monogamy police might be watching this thread, lol...
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 19, 2012 8:15 AM GMT
    Mostly the issue is that he wants to get married and find his love (which he says is me, even now) but when I'm hesitant to marry someone so early in the relationship he starts looking for other options.

    Maybe marrying him would solve his issues, but I think even if I did would he change? I press him that I want to see a good commitment first but haven't really got it in the way I expected to see it
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    Apr 19, 2012 8:22 AM GMT
    Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Did you just say marry him? Honey, don't kid yourself with that thought. If you can't trust him now then you certainly won't be able to trust with a ring on his finger. It won't change a thing. If anything, you'll just be masking the problem with marriage.

    You can't change someone who doesn't want to change their self willingly. That's a fact.

    Stay single. Figure a few things out about yourself first before moving on to others. If you can't love and respect yourself then you seriously can't expect others to. Your now ex BF didn't and it showed through his actions.

    Actions speak louder then words.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidSounds like you need a open relationship. Enjoy him for all the reasons you do and enjoy others for the their good qualities as well . Don't limit yourself or punish yourself by feeling you are stuck with one guy that obviously needs to experiment as well.


    As well? What in the OP's post indicates that he has polyamorous feelings? Sounds like the ex-boyfriend needs an open relationship and this guy doesn't want one. That adds up to incompatibility.

    What he shouldn't do is punish himself by feeling that being with one person is equivalent with "being stuck" or by trying to force a square peg into a round hole by entering back into a relationship with someone who disagrees.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 03, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    It's been more than a month now and he messages and tries to call me daily but I dont answer.
    I was pretty hurt.
    Today i finally picked up and he was balling his eyes out saying how he's mad such a mistake.
    I know he wants to fix the relation.. I still have feelings for him but i feel pretty hesitant that this happend twice in a 8 month period.
    Any advice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    This guy is using you as a way to get permanent residency here in Australia. Dump his ass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    I have a very hard time imagining people are on Grindr to make friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    Larkin saidI have a very hard time imagining people are on Grindr to make friends.
    +infinity
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Larkin saidI have a very hard time imagining people are on Grindr to make friends.
    +infinity


    and then some....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    I hope ure not trolling because you seem to keep asking questions without addressing any of the points raised by previous posters.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 03, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    No im a real person and this is my life unfortunately, but i have read all the replies and private messages and thank you for all the great advice points have been made.

    I guess i haven't quoted people because it might seem like i want to debate their point which i dont. I just want to take everything on board.