How to deal with close friends having feelings for you?

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    Apr 02, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    I'm reaching out for help here because its happened multiple times so it must be at least partially my fault. What do you do when you have close friends that start to have feelings for you when you don't share those same feelings? Things always seem to get fucked up and someone gets their feelings hurt then poof there goes the friendship. This seems to be a sticking point for me and I'm trying to learn from it.


    david hall
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    Apr 02, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    This is never an issue for me. I have an annoying set of rules I abide by that keeps me from even thinking of dating/hooking up with friends, my regular bartenders, coworkers/bosses and teachers/professors.
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    Apr 02, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    Like "first world problems," I used to consider something like this "twentysomething problems" but am now re-experiencing the pattern practically in my fifties.

    When it'd happen (and it did; often) in my twenties I'd withdraw from the friendships which didn't prove the best strategy because now, 20+ years later after reuniting with the same circle of friends those feelings were still there. Even when they're mutually addressed and set aside in a more mature fashion there's still somewhat of a strain. I'll be interested to hear other people's take on your situation.
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    Apr 02, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    Dont flirt?
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    Apr 02, 2012 5:29 PM GMT
    david_hall saidI'm reaching out for help here because its happened multiple times so it must be at least partially my fault. What do you do when you have close friends that start to have feelings for you when you don't share those same feelings? Things always seem to get fucked up and someone gets their feelings hurt then poof there goes the friendship. This seems to be a sticking point for me and I'm trying to learn from it.


    david hall
    Stop being so attractive, clearly. icon_wink.gif

    In seriousness, probably not a lot you can do, unless you're flirting with them or giving them some kind of hints you might like them.

    If you're just being a typical friend, it would seem to be that they can't control developing feelings for you.

    Guess I'm not the best one to give advice though, I always fall for friends, even straight ones.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Apr 02, 2012 5:36 PM GMT
    It is a burden you will have to live with since you are good looking. Not even trolling here >.
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    Apr 02, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    Make it really clear to them that you're not interested and make sure you don't give them false hope.
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    Apr 02, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    I have a strict set of rules I abide by when interacting with people to make sure the boundaries are clearly laid out. You are a real attractive guy with a smile that probably reflects his personality. People latch on to that real quick. Especially the ones that are insecure.

    It is always obvious when they are falling for you because of the way they look at you and how often they communicate with you or manipulate social situations. I always make sure I never socialize with them alone, never flirt with anyone I have no intention of being involved with and put the walls up immediately when I notice that first little sign.

    If it's already gone so far as to have them say something like, "I'm falling for you," or crossing the line by becoming inappropriately affectionate I just tell them straight up. It's their problem if they cannot face reality and get their lust in check. Men overall are shallow, but gay men are worse. They will always push the envelope to try to get that hot boy they want and become bitter when they finally realize it isn't going to happen.



  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Apr 02, 2012 5:42 PM GMT
    You sound pretty insecure because you flirt with men you would never hook up with and then hold them at a distance as just a friend. You're not a good friend.icon_idea.gif
    Grow-up you bring it on yourself.

    I have plenty of male and female friends that comment/compliment or flirt. I just don't do it back in any way shape or form that would give them the wrong idea.
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    Apr 02, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    ^^kind of like how you always talk about how attractive and how much attention you get for your own insecurities?

    As to the OP, dont worry about it. For one, it isnt your fault (unless you count the fact that you are hot, but you didnt control that.) If they really are your friends they will get over it. If not, they wont. Just tell them straight up you dont want to date them, problem solved really.

    Honesty is usually the best policy.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Apr 02, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    Chainers said^^kind of like how you always talk about how attractive and how much attention you get for your own insecurities?

    As to the OP, dont worry about it. For one, it isnt your fault (unless you count the fact that you are hot, but you didnt control that.) If they really are your friends they will get over it. If not, they wont. Just tell them straight up you dont want to date them, problem solved really.

    Honesty is usually the best policy.


    It's called confidence. I know what I have. If you and I were in a bar I would have no problem picking up who I wanted-you on the other hand-NOT, plus if we took our shirts off you would be standing alone with that ugly face and wonky nipples LMAO- criket cricketicon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    I've never had this problem. Except once in my early 20's.

    I don't flirt with friends. If there is the occasional joking flirty/sexual comment made, I just laugh it off. Don't escalate it by returning the compliment and saying something in return. Just laugh it off and end it there.

    I don't get touchy-feely with friends. If they do, try not to return the same. It'll send the wrong message. Unless you are just horsing around but even so try not to take things further and further. And don't stand there allowing it to continue or repeat.

    Even if there is or isn't any comment or physical contact made, watch your body language and eye contact.

    So, another way to look at the above points I've made is to do/say what you would when someone you are not interested in hits on you. Which are all the above points.
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    Let him express his feelings. Talk them out with him. Talk about how his feelings make you feel. Be honest, fair and aim for a win win. If all else fails, fuck him and see how well he handles your friendship then. Nothing bothers people more nowadays more than getting exactly what they want; ironically enough>. icon_neutral.gif
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:16 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike said
    Chainers said^^kind of like how you always talk about how attractive and how much attention you get for your own insecurities?

    As to the OP, dont worry about it. For one, it isnt your fault (unless you count the fact that you are hot, but you didnt control that.) If they really are your friends they will get over it. If not, they wont. Just tell them straight up you dont want to date them, problem solved really.

    Honesty is usually the best policy.


    It's called confidence. I know what I have. If you and I were in a bar I would have no problem picking up who I wanted-you on the other hand-NOT, plus if we took our shirts off you would be standing alone with that ugly face and wonky nipples LMAO- criket cricketicon_idea.gif


    Lol attractive people don't have to constantly remind everyone how attractive they are. Kind of like straight guys who get sex don't talk about it. But that's ok, delusion fits ya very well, every forum needs its resident idiot (you)
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Apr 02, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    david_hall saidI'm reaching out for help here because its happened multiple times so it must be at least partially my fault. What do you do when you have close friends that start to have feelings for you when you don't share those same feelings? Things always seem to get fucked up and someone gets their feelings hurt then poof there goes the friendship. This seems to be a sticking point for me and I'm trying to learn from it.


    david hall


    I'd rather be in your situation than mine. I've completely fallen for one of my friends, but I doubt anything will happen. I don't wanna tell him cause I don't want to make things weird.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Apr 02, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    MikemikeMike said
    Chainers said^^kind of like how you always talk about how attractive and how much attention you get for your own insecurities?

    As to the OP, dont worry about it. For one, it isnt your fault (unless you count the fact that you are hot, but you didnt control that.) If they really are your friends they will get over it. If not, they wont. Just tell them straight up you dont want to date them, problem solved really.

    Honesty is usually the best policy.


    It's called confidence. I know what I have. If you and I were in a bar I would have no problem picking up who I wanted-you on the other hand-NOT, plus if we took our shirts off you would be standing alone with that ugly face and wonky nipples LMAO- criket cricketicon_idea.gif


    Lol attractive people don't have to constantly remind everyone how attractive they are. Kind of like straight guys who get sex don't talk about it. But that's ok, delusion fits ya very well, every forum needs its resident idiot (you)

    delusional- HAHAA you are the poster boy for it. You're not good looking at all. Why you so mad all the time brah?? You just a misearble mal-content who needs to get laid. No wonder your single and should/will remain so in life. If you recall, you frigged with me first and have since you came on here. You just can't take reality or when someone points out the obvious. Got back under the bridge.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    Tough situation, always. Unfortunately, what you are valuing of the friendship was gone the first moment the other person had romantic interests in you and that's not your fault at all. You can only hope to have a frank and honest discussion with them to reset the friendship, if that's possible.

    Oh, and try to stop looking so sexy and handsome, that might help icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike said

    It's called confidence. I know what I have. If you and I were in a bar I would have no problem picking up who I wanted-you on the other hand-NOT, plus if we took our shirts off you would be standing alone with that ugly face and wonky nipples LMAO- criket cricketicon_idea.gif




    dude, are you always this judgmental and prickish?


    david hall
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:50 PM GMT
    I'd make it clear right now that you want to be good friends with them and dating them would make things weird between you all. You need to make sure they know what you stand for and say that as a friend you're putting unnecessary pressure on you.
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:50 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidYou sound pretty insecure because you flirt with men you would never hook up with and then hold them at a distance as just a friend. You're not a good friend.icon_idea.gif
    Grow-up you bring it on yourself.

    I have plenty of male and female friends that comment/compliment or flirt. I just don't do it back in any way shape or form that would give them the wrong idea.



    Load of crap. The OP never said he flirted back. You're making an assumption. Sometimes people get the wrong idea no matter what you do to prevent it, short of telling them to back the fuck off. Friendships can get very complicated when one side becomes attracted to the other, and it doesn't mean that anybody was being misled.

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    Apr 02, 2012 6:53 PM GMT
    MikemikeMike said
    Chainers said
    MikemikeMike said
    Chainers said^^kind of like how you always talk about how attractive and how much attention you get for your own insecurities?

    As to the OP, dont worry about it. For one, it isnt your fault (unless you count the fact that you are hot, but you didnt control that.) If they really are your friends they will get over it. If not, they wont. Just tell them straight up you dont want to date them, problem solved really.

    Honesty is usually the best policy.


    It's called confidence. I know what I have. If you and I were in a bar I would have no problem picking up who I wanted-you on the other hand-NOT, plus if we took our shirts off you would be standing alone with that ugly face and wonky nipples LMAO- criket cricketicon_idea.gif


    Lol attractive people don't have to constantly remind everyone how attractive they are. Kind of like straight guys who get sex don't talk about it. But that's ok, delusion fits ya very well, every forum needs its resident idiot (you)

    delusional- HAHAA you are the poster boy for it. You're not good looking at all. Why you so mad all the time brah?? You just a misearble mal-content who needs to get laid. No wonder your single and should/will remain so in life. If you recall, you frigged with me first and have since you came on here. You just can't take reality or when someone points out the obvious. Got back under the bridge.


    lol, this is hilarious. You actually think I joined this site to mess with you? Nah brah (btw, thanks for stealing my bit), Ive done much more on this site than interact with you. Much like all douche, I find the need to belittle you everywhere you go (not to mention for the past three months you kept trying to egg me into interacting with ya, why actually get attention from a youngin for once in your life?)

    But seriously, for someone who's only insult is to say Im not hot like I think even though I never mentioned my attraction, it really is just you protesting way to much.

    Get over it, you cant have this shit!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2012 6:56 PM GMT
    I think I'm actually beside myself on here reading through all this. Amazing! An actual intelligent conversation thread on realjock
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    Apr 02, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    Additionally, in order to add clarity, this is someone who I've never flirted with, never reached out for physical contact etc... I even made the effort to explicitly make it known that we were friends and that when I'm interested in someone for more than friends its extremely easy to tell.



    david hall
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    Apr 02, 2012 7:20 PM GMT
    SeanTheBull saidI think I'm actually beside myself on here reading through all this. Amazing! An actual intelligent conversation thread on realjock


    The sarcasm meter is going through the roof!
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    Apr 02, 2012 7:22 PM GMT
    Like has been said up here... don't give any false hope you may change your mind really. I have a few friends (including girls) who had a crush on me and now we are fine.. Same the other way around... Though at times you have to take a distance for a while to solidify the effect... leaving each other enough space for the feelings to finish off