Don't know if I should come out??..advice pls

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    So I've been wanting to come out to my family and friends for a while now, mostly because I feel like I'm living a lie to people... but something is holding me back. I never "went all the way" with a dude, but I did mess around with a dude before but never climaxed(he did twice)...perhaps it was because it was a random awkward meetup? And I've never climaxed with a female either...countless handjobs/bjs, only had sex once. Sad sex life I know.

    Anyways, I am hesitant on coming out being...what if I'm not totally gay. I tend to only watch gay porn, though still find girls attractive. I have only told one friend about my sexuality, and he said I best find out if I really am gay before I start telling people. I live in a small town where I dont see myself creating a healthy relationship with anyone...I tried a4a for hopes of finding someone to take it slow with, but that site just got irritatiing to me being it seems its mostly for hookups.

    I am moving away in a few months to a new city, where I am going to live the life I want. I'm not sure if I should tell my family and friends that I'm gay before moving(dont want them to think thats why I'm moving), or should I just remain closeted, make the move, and then decide on from there.

    Appreciate any advice, thanks guysicon_cool.gif
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    Apr 03, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    I think it shouldn't matter whether you are gay or bi, or whatever you want to call yourself. As long as you aren't being deceitful or hurting others, it really isn't anyone elses place to say on how, when or if you should come out.
    I think your friend has given you some good advice. Why tell others that you are gay if you yourself don't even know that yet?

    You can control what action you take - how others treat you because of these actions, you can't.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Apr 03, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    Agreed with Moonhawk. Come out as what? Bi with a 70% gay percentage? (This time) Bi with an 80% gay percentage? (Next year). Gay - (your final decision)? If you think you're gay, you probably are - but then you say you're not really sure. Have sex - with whichever gender - When you know you're gay is the time to come out.
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    Apr 03, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    I personally think that it would be kind of liberating even to acknowledge to them that you are attracted to men. Also if you don't say something now there is always the possibility of damaging relationships. If you move to a new city and then come out later some people (such as your family and friends) may be hurt because to them it may look as though you didn't feel close enough and secure with them to tell them. Of course this is all totally dependent on the attitudes of your family and friends toward the gay lifestyle. I'm not going to tell you what to do but it is the best feeling in the world to come out and feel the power in doing it. Its something I think a lot of gays on this site don't understand because many of them are "straight acting" or only date that because they don't want others to think of them as the gay stereotype.
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    Apr 03, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    thanks for the replies!

    I always thought a person's sexuality shouldnt have to be an announcement, though it really is a big part of a persons life. I agree it is wise to hold off on coming out until I am fully sure I want too... But like CutieJasp mentioned, moving then coming out to family and friends may imply I didnt trust them therefore damaging our relationship. I read a lot of posts where after coming out to their mom, their mom says they knew since he was born! This is where I feel like I'm living a lie...and I should maybe come to terms to others about my sexuality.

    I'm pretty sure I'm gay, just I have great lack in experience in both sexes! I'm insecure you could say. I used to be a fat kid, but got fit within the past two years and now looked upon as a "stud". I get anxiety when girls come on to me(quite often) and idk how to act. Honesty, I would feel more comfortable about a dude coming on to me(if hes my type that is). I realized I always form "crushes" on dudes in my classes, while ignoring the girls eyeing me...What I find more attractive in girls is their looks and personality, not so much sexual. I cant say I get that aroused by girls, though again I dont have much experience. Boy do I sound like a b*t*h haha.

    With that, I think I am more gay than I may be interpreted. Its just, what is the benefit of coming out if I dont have anything to show for it afterwards? Just awkwardness? I was about to tell my close friend who is a girl last Saturday(who I had previous sexual relations with) but she often speaks of a friend who just came out and how she feels awkward when he talks about it. I also remember her saying how she could never picture me being with a guy(random topic we were talking about...I assumed she would have guessed already that I may be gay since I never had strong relationships with girls. hmphhh

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    Apr 03, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    How is that not relevant? I guess you can't see it as much because you are much older but general views among youth in terms of homosexuality are completely changing. in todays day and age it would be completely fine to say something like that. I have gone to inner city public schools my entire life and sexuality is becoming so much more open. If I were you I would be agressive and a go getter, come out as bi at first like so many guys do and from there you can figure out whether your gay or bi.
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    Apr 03, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    To me, after reading your post, I'd suggest holding off on telling everyone your news. Don't be hasty. It sounds as if you're bi........and there's nothing wrong with that. Also - - - I hope the city you're moving to (and the company you're going to) are places where you can be yourself. If you find yourself working for a homophobic place, I'd be very careful of letting them know. Ask me how I know that!
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 03, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    Take your time.

    In confronting our selves on our own, we make our own peace in a way that allows us to be secure about dealing with ourselves with others. That peace is one of the marks of a truly stable personality.
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    Apr 03, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    I think if you are not ready to show your pic tío complete strangers, you are not quite ready to come out to your Love ones. Its usually a process And the day Will come when you finally realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. Take it step by step ;)
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    Apr 03, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    Writrboi saidI think if you are not ready to show your pic tío complete strangers, you are not quite ready to come out to your Love ones. Its usually a process And the day Will come when you finally realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. Take it step by step ;)
    This*
    @ OP... and since you're trolling, I should ignore your posts... sigh*icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    I didn't come out as well because im far from them and i dont have the courage to say it, maybe i will tell them if i find the one.icon_wink.gif But if you really want to do it, just show them a video about what is homosexual, let them watch Get Real movie and after that say sorrry, tell them that your born this way and GOD is LOVE, and lets love one another. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 03, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    Dylant92 saidI think it shouldn't matter whether you are gay or bi, or whatever you want to call yourself. As long as you aren't being deceitful or hurting others, it really isn't anyone elses place to say on how, when or if you should come out.
    I think your friend has given you some good advice. Why tell others that you are gay if you yourself don't even know that yet?

    You can control what action you take - how others treat you because of these actions, you can't.


    Yah right people are born loving...icon_wink.gif
    Thanks for a great advice!!
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Apr 04, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    I agree with Amoonhawk.
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    Apr 07, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    I appreciate the advice fellasicon_biggrin.gif

    I ended up coming out to my ma last night...she sorta "outed" me by asking about girls.. then guys. So in the mist of awkwardness I just told her I think I'm gay. She took it well and was supportive. Feels good to have finally gotten to tell her, I've been dwelling on it for the past year or two. I plan on telling my close friend later today...hope she takes it well. She's defiantly going to be shocked, much like my mother icon_lol.gifI'm hesitant of telling her since I chill with her ex-boyfriend a lot, and I'm sure she will tell him, but thats that.

    Oh yeah, I didn't mean to "troll" in anyway...just thought this would be a good forum to get advice fromicon_idea.gif Also, I didnt know this was much like a social site, perhaps I will post a picicon_cool.gif
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    Apr 07, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    friendlyfiree said...
    I am moving away in a few months to a new city, where I am going to live the life I want. I'm not sure if I should tell my family and friends that I'm gay before moving(dont want them to think thats why I'm moving), or should I just remain closeted, make the move, and then decide on from there.
    ^^^that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2012 8:01 PM GMT
    I would make it a non-issue. If it comes up, admit to it, but, you aren't fucking your family, so it doesn't need to be an issue with them. You don't need to make a declaration. For the sake of integrity and more health friendships, it's easy to tell folks you like guys, girls, or both. Nobody gives a shit, quite honestly. The enemy is within.
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    Apr 07, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    When you move to the big smoke, just get on with living your life, let it be you are a homosexual, or a bisexual. I think it's fine to be either, but if you ever take a wife,and have kids knowing you also like the lads, latter in life your actions may come back to bite you on the arse, and you end up with nothing. So take your time, get to know yourself, and start to live your life.

    But then I was knowing from such a young age, my sexual orientation, and have spent my whole life living it too. I never felt a need to mess with the girls, or have ever had the ability either.

  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Apr 08, 2012 1:41 PM GMT
    One of the things I do and I strongly believe in-just know that everyone knows. Work from the perspective. You don't have to have a grand moment where the heavens part and select spotlight hits your face and you break into the "Coming Out" song.

    Instead, be honest. Be straightforward. The amount of weight you put on this will effect how your family reads the situation. If you come out and appear scared, they will be too. If you come out and are confident that it's alright, they'll see that and not be as concerned.

    Here's an idea--say something when the opportunity arises. The next time Aunt Martha tries to fix you up with the nice young stewardess down-the-way, just tell her, "sorry, not really into girls. Does she have a brother?"

    I come from an ethnic family. When I came out, my mother was thrilled because she knew a good single orthodontist and an accountant. They earned money AND I could get her free tax returns/doctor visits.

    But don't use your dilemma to hold off the rest of the family from experiencing life without you being yourself. So? You've not been with a guy? That's not their business. Just be honest in whatever you do.

    And good luck.

    Peace,
    Bardy