how long should you 'stick it out?'

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2007 2:35 PM GMT
    hey guys... i've been in the best relationship for almost 2 years. after my man was a little drunk the other nite he admitted to me that he thought that we needed a little 'break'. he works away 2 weeks and is back for 1 week from the mines... we've always had a 'flexible arrangement' and it's worked well but now i've become 'too mature' all of the sudden and he still wants to party. the next nite he tells me he wants to try to make it work, as he;s under alot of stress at the moment with work and didn't mean what he said. Has the damage been done? are my days numbered? will I be the fool if I stay on?
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Aug 02, 2007 2:54 PM GMT
    Danny

    Do you want the truth or want to me to say what you want to hear?.

    What you want to hear is that he sounds like he is under stress and that relationships take work, and that you should hang on in there.

    The truth though is that he probably wants rid of you and is too nice/chicken to just say it, unless drunk.

    My advice. You've had fun and a couple of great years. But you're cute and should get out there, find a man who is around a bit more, and will love you like you deserve to be loved. You are worth more than this wasting your time on a man who blows hot and cold.

    Tsk. Men. You can't live with them, and can't live without them.

    Loz
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    Aug 02, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    dan, looks like he is trying to let u dwn easy and if he gets drunk again he will probably say the same thing, he may have someone else in mind where he works that he likes better,looking at ur profile i dont know why he is trying to get rid of u, u are hot, let him go if he wants it, there is something better for u, but dont jump to the next too quickly tho, give it time ok, just my thoughts for u ok lol
    ps; wish i lived in the downunder!
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    Aug 02, 2007 10:15 PM GMT
    Yikes, sorry that happened. Alcohol seems to give some people the courage they need to say what they really feel.

    Now that the cat's out of the bag you should be grateful you have the information and take it very seriously.

    The ball's in your court now. You have a lot of thinking to do. It really depends upon what you want. If you want to try and make it work, perhaps it would be good to seek couple's counseling. If not, the next best thing would be to have a real heart-to-heart with him.

    From your original post, you seem to want a committed relationship. You just have to make sure he wants the same thing. If he doesn't, you'll know what to do.

    Break ups are never easy and sometimes people stay together and settle for less because it's convenient. Try and stay away from that. Deal with the real issues at hand and make your decisions based on that. If you need support, we'll be here for you. :-)

    Good luck - Jorel
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Aug 02, 2007 10:54 PM GMT
    Well...you want my advice
    I think when he said "I think we need a little break" ... you should have went upstairs and packed your bags Figuratively speaking

    Listen to what your BF is telling you...and take him for his word

    because without - alot - of work and commitment this is not gonna work out for you
    Take some time away from each other
    If you were meant to be together - you'll find eachother again
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    Aug 03, 2007 12:43 AM GMT
    I think you need to talk to him openly, when he's not drunk, and discuss what he said why he said it, and what each of you want -- and not judgementally but just to see where the both of you are at.
    But I wouldn't necessarily take a comment made while intoxicated as the truth -- it may have been how he was feeling at the moment, but that doesn't mean that is really what the person wants. And yes, if he is stressed he may just feel things are overwhelming at the moment including a relationship. But talk to him about what is going on and se where both you and he are at.
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    Aug 03, 2007 12:57 AM GMT
    It is natural for people to take stock of their relationships now and then. Some people, instead of directly raising difficult questions, make threats to see how the other will react. (You didn't say anything about how you responded.)

    You don't walk out of a relationship because your partner gets a buzz on and expresses the kind of second thoughts we all have about our relationships. If people always responded that way, no relationship would last more than a few years.

    It's impossible to say whether your relationship's days are numbered, but you certainly have reached a milestone, when one of you expresses his second thoughts. I think he didn't handle his feelings skillfully, but it would be equally unskillful to run out the door.

    It sounds in any case like a difficult situation with his being gone so often. (Well, actually, it sounds ideal to me, but that's another story.)





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2007 3:30 AM GMT
    I don't necessarily dismiss what people say when drunk (in some ways I think it is almost a truth serum, although I also acknowledge that it makes some people more prone to momentary lapses in judgement).

    Personally, I don't believe in "breaks." For me, it's either on or off... Breaks are just periods of confusion where people run in circles. You either lose time and energy that could be invested in working on the weaknesses of the relationship, or you lose time and energy that could have been spent recovering and rebuilding yourself in a forward direction.

    Ultimately, I think what matters is your gut feeling, not what any of us on here think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2007 4:12 AM GMT
    Dump 'em. E's a bum. BTW, my phone number is 614-83...

    Shoot, your in Australia! Not very convenient for me here in Ohio(US). Oh well!

    Hey, maybe he's not so bad after all. Listen to what these others have said and give him some time and some discussions. People change over time, they need to re-evaluate themselves and re-commit to what they are involved in. At 2 yrs, the 'crush' part of your attraction is probably over and what will pull you together is common interests - like a love of cock, favorite sports teams, taxidermy - and common activities - like sex, gardening, home improvement, more sex - working like glue that will bind you together. (Not meaning literaly that your sexual acts would glue you together, although ... well we don't need to go there.)

    The away time he spends at the job may be interfering with his ability to stay bonded with you(or anyone else). He may simply need more from his partner. I'd think a good relationship with a boyfriend would be worth leaving a job to improve conditions for the relationship to thrive. A relationship with the partner gone most of the time simply would not work for me.

    Good Luck.

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    Aug 03, 2007 4:22 AM GMT
    It might be best to compare and contrast conversations with him when he is and is not sober. Relationships are an interesting, multi-faceted conundrum (especially when there are wild oats to sow).

    Isn't it fascinating that alcohol can often serve so well to bring one's inhibitors down that even the slightest intoxication can suggest someone has recently consumed an elixir of truth?

    I suppose that if it is the case, catching the best fish in the sea may not satisfy one who is not yet ready to hang up his pole; despite the fact that he already has a prize on the line.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2007 4:26 AM GMT
    Sound like the boyfriend is confused, but how do you feel and what do you want?

    A decision made out of hurt, even when right, is not really a decision at all.
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    Aug 03, 2007 2:14 PM GMT
    Hey guys, thanks so much for your replies! there are many different views you have all expressed and I did have the chance to speak to him sober the next day in which he said he didn't want us to break up, but things needed a little more work. he's looking at leaving his shitty fly in / fly out job in october and looking into something different. we've both realised that it is alot to do with him being under such stress and i'm going to hold out a candle for him at this stage. there's a piece of me inside that knows it may not work out in the end, but we do share a very deep bond (and the sex is still great!) so i'm going with the cup is always half full. i'll deal with what ever comes up when the time comes, i've exhausted all my efforts here in terms of relationships so i'm not in a hurry to ditch and run. I spoke to him earlier tonight, and guess what, he misses me already....awwww.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2007 3:57 PM GMT
    I'm glad you decided to talk about it and see what can result. It seems hasty to leave a relationship of two years on such short notice.

    However, if you have not already, I would have some serious conversations in which you air all the possibilities, and even challenge whether he is staying for comfort/habit/people-pleasing or for love. My 12 year relationship went belly up in June. We had been "working on it" for the last 5. I always suspected he stayed for financial/comfort/too-nice reasons, and guess what... it turned out to be true, but he never had the balls to tell me during that whole time. I consider myself the fool in the situation. On some level I knew, but always believed his stories because I wanted to.

    Sigh.

    Anyway, back to you... hehe. Really ask the tough questions when you talk (with, of coure, an eye to keeping it non-accusatory when the question might lean that way). I wish you luck and hope that you guys have a great time together.

    ~ Craig

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 03, 2007 3:59 PM GMT
    Alcohol can be like truth serum. Heed his words. Sounds like you are def more into it then him. Don't get too hurt after the fall. I am an optomist too, but also a realist!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 03, 2007 4:00 PM GMT
    It really depends on what you want. I'd say do some serious thinking about what you are looking for, what you are willing to give and what you want in return. Ask him the same thing. If you guys both feel you can meet each other's needs, then try it. If not, that's your answer.
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    Aug 03, 2007 8:24 PM GMT
    I agree with Obscenwish' post..

    Alcohol, if you think it is a truth serum,only reflect the truth of that moment... Just because the idea is in one's mind, momentarily, or he re-visits it often, does not necessarily mean that is the ultimate and final wish of the person... It may eventuall come to that, it may not.

    However, since it is on his mind, you may want to talk about it with him, when he is sober.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2007 8:32 PM GMT
    "In vino veritas" is a fiction. Just as NYC says, it only discloses what happens to be wafting through the mind at the moment.
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    Aug 04, 2007 11:11 AM GMT
    it's strange guys, but we've had some very deep and meaningful conversations whilst drunk.
    he has my best wishes at heart, i know, i can truly sense it, but i must try not to expect him to grow up too quickly- he's 27 and i'm almost 37. I only really began to mature last year, and now i've become very sensible and may not want to go out for a crazy night on the town, he on the other hand, still needs to party. he goes with my blessing, and knows i'll be here waiting for him, but I do worry about him at times.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2007 11:25 AM GMT
    "Waiting" for someone is NEVER a good idea... If both of you are still single and want to try it another time, that is a different story. You do not wait for someone to grow up as if there is a schedule for this kind of things... Someone people never do...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2007 1:07 PM GMT
    It sounds like you're on the right track - but there's no harm in seeing if he's open to talking it out in front of a relationship counselor - sometimes a good professional can help you both get to the bottom of problems.

    In any case, candid communications is the key.

    J.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2007 1:09 PM GMT
    My bf is starting a job where he will travel also. We do not live together yet, so I am worried about our time being shortened even more. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me...this maybe a step toward us living together due to opening up a position in my town for him. I love him with all my heart but wonder if this is the beginning of the end because we will have even less time together now. Just keeping my fingers crossed and whatever happens happpens. I can somewhat understand the distance part of your relationship. I think now matter who you are or how in love you are everyone can get "lonely".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2007 1:49 PM GMT
    Tough one really. I will say that I did the forgive and forget thing and at this moment I am regretting it. Right at the time I was getting use to not having him he runs back into my life only to do the very same thing 3 weeks later. I would say pass unless you see something worth fighting for. I did and got burned but to me it is better than wondering what if? Now I know.
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    Aug 04, 2007 3:00 PM GMT
    "Better to have lost in love than never to have loved at all"