Down on my luck...any advice?

  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Apr 07, 2012 4:39 AM GMT
    Hey, I'll try to keep this short because I know no one wants to read a ten paragraph essay about some guy's love life problems.

    I'm really struggling in the relationship department. I'm 19 and in college (at a college where being gay isn't the norm at all), studying to be a doctor (some day!).

    My school has a major hook-up culture (both gay and straight...like most colleges, haha), but I'm really not into that scene. I'd rather commit myself to one person than go around hooking up. To be honest, I've been there and it really isn't for me. I can't help but take my lack of a love life personally, because even though I'm only 19 I've never had a relationship with a guy before (though I dated women before coming out).

    So I'm just wondering if you guys can give me any advice based on what I say about myself? Feel free to be as honest as possible.

    To give a summary...I'm 6' tall, 147 lbs, brown hair blue eyes...19 years old. I consider myself to be pretty smart...I'm at a good college and have a strong GPA, studying to be a doctor. I'm really motivated and my schoolwork is a huge priority to me. I think my best personality qualities are that I'm caring and humble. I honestly don't want to be a doctor for the money...I've always been drawn to health fields because of the patient care aspect. When I was little I was always told I should be a doctor because I was a really "caring" kid, and I think that stuck...I hope so, at least! I try to be as down-to-earth as possible because I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunities that I do. My parents are kind of deadbeats, so I'm just happy that I'm on track to go into medicine and be someone that my kids can be proud of some day.

    I'm really into sports, love watching them and playing them. Pretty masculine guy...loyal friend.

    I'm basically just listing adjectives at this point...but just any opinions on what you guys think I could do to have more success in the love dept.? I'm new to this site so my photo hasn't been approved yet, but it should be soon.

    Thanks a lot!


  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Apr 07, 2012 8:46 AM GMT
    One day he will likely just drop into your life. Well... I still haven't found the guy but I've found a few interested in the same thing. They do exist. You aren't likely to find them at the club or bar. Live your life, put yourself into situations where you meet people and let them know what you are looking for.

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    Apr 07, 2012 9:43 AM GMT


    Give it time, you're only 19... You got a long way to go before finding Mr. Right, unless you want Mr. Right nowicon_razz.gif
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Apr 07, 2012 9:57 AM GMT
    Wait, wait, wait--there's a timetable here? You have to have a boyfriend by 19, engaged by 22, and suffer your first argument by...in other words, what did Diana Ross and Phil Collins sing? "You Can't Hurry Love."

    In other words, focus on your studies. If you are planning on saving lives, I want you to be very, very well-read.

    It'll happen. I know, what a cliche'd answer, but, sadly, its the truth. My best recommendation? Get to living your life and the rest will fall into place. You have hobbies? Do them! Have study groups and school stuff? Get involved! And, as you meet more and more-you'll find what you're looking for. It's difficult when we come out of the closet, we want so badly to have that first relationship to solidify our existence and prove to ourselves that we are truly who we think we are.

    But don't, really worry about the small stuff. Everything, does, well, get better.

    Peace,
    Bardy
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    Apr 07, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidand be someone that my kids can be proud of some day.



    There is a HUGE part of your problem..............icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 07, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    You're in Boston?!! And in college?!!! Meeting people should be a total non-issue. (Pssst: It's when you stop fixating on finding good friends, much less the Right Guy, that you find them and him. icon_wink.gif )

    Often things happen when you least expect them to. I first met one of my BEST friends in college as we fidgeted next to each other in a long supper line. Way way back when I was in a GLBT youth group there was a guy who I found to be completely obnoxious - would chase me like a puppy on crack and not take "no" for an answer. It was an "oh, shit" moment for me when he boarded the trolley I was riding one afternoon. But he was on good behavior and invited me to go out for pizza. I would've laughed 'til I peed my pants had anyone suggested that I'd ever be able to stand him, until then. Our personalities turned out to be awesomely compatible. From that day on we had a sweet, never sexual, bromance that I'll never forget. (The AIDS epidemic claimed him. icon_cry.gif )

    Point being, keep an open mind and stay in circulation (not holed up in your room or the library.) The failsafe way to make lasting connections is by doing what you like to do, 'cause when you find like-minded persons you already have a foundation to build from.

    So far people have danced around the subject, but not me: Few are the men (me included) who would lose their virginity to the same person if they had the chance to live life over. That is, unless they saved themselves for marriage and got hitched for the right reasons. At 19 your hormones are screaming and your juices are flowing 24-7. Understood, I went through it. Your hands and maybe some spit can take care of that problem. Better that than make a play for every guy who gets you hot n' bothered.

    It's springtime here in Beantown, play outside and enjoy it. Let fate take care of the rest. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    Hey well like the others have said, you're still young and in the prime of college so don't worry.
    you might meet someone through social circles. A friend of a friend of a friend etc and 5 degrees down the line you might meet someone.

    Anyway, I guess in some ways it depends on what you want subconscious or otherwise, although I'm 25 now and still single lol.

    Regardless, don't stress about that too much, just be open to meeting different people and you will find someone I'm sure.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:10 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidHey, I'll try to keep this short because I know no one wants to read a ten paragraph essay about some guy's love life problems.

    I'm really struggling in the relationship department. I'm 19 and in college (at a college where being gay isn't the norm at all), studying to be a doctor (some day!).

    My school has a major hook-up culture (both gay and straight...like most colleges, haha), but I'm really not into that scene. I'd rather commit myself to one person than go around hooking up. To be honest, I've been there and it really isn't for me. I can't help but take my lack of a love life personally, because even though I'm only 19 I've never had a relationship with a guy before (though I dated women before coming out).

    So I'm just wondering if you guys can give me any advice based on what I say about myself? Feel free to be as honest as possible.

    To give a summary...I'm 6' tall, 147 lbs, brown hair blue eyes...19 years old. I consider myself to be pretty smart...I'm at a good college and have a strong GPA, studying to be a doctor. I'm really motivated and my schoolwork is a huge priority to me. I think my best personality qualities are that I'm caring and humble. I honestly don't want to be a doctor for the money...I've always been drawn to health fields because of the patient care aspect. When I was little I was always told I should be a doctor because I was a really "caring" kid, and I think that stuck...I hope so, at least! I try to be as down-to-earth as possible because I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunities that I do. My parents are kind of deadbeats, so I'm just happy that I'm on track to go into medicine and be someone that my kids can be proud of some day.

    I'm really into sports, love watching them and playing them. Pretty masculine guy...loyal friend.

    I'm basically just listing adjectives at this point...but just any opinions on what you guys think I could do to have more success in the love dept.? I'm new to this site so my photo hasn't been approved yet, but it should be soon.

    Thanks a lot!




    You're 19. You've got time. Work on your intelligent community. That is, surround yourselves around folks who you might like to advance relationships with. Much will change in your life in the next five years. You're 19. Relax.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:14 PM GMT
    Concentrate on your studies icon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:28 PM GMT
    Stop relying on luck.
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    Apr 07, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    BardBear saidWait, wait, wait--there's a timetable here? You have to have a boyfriend by 19, engaged by 22, and suffer your first argument by...in other words, what did Diana Ross and Phil Collins sing? "You Can't Hurry Love."


    Great song. I use to change the words and sing:

    You can't hurry love,
    No, you just have to wait.
    Love don't come easy,
    Until then just masterbate!

    Hang in there guy. It sounds like you have enough on you plate with school and becoming a doctor. Focus on that aspect of your life. Focus on being a doctor; focus on being the best human being you can be; focus on you being a quality guy. Quality guys attract quality guys. Besides, there is plenty enough time for someone to come into your life and fuck it all up for you.

    Don't rush you life away.


    P.S. I never seem to be without someone in my life and boy what i wouldn't give for just some me alone time.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Apr 07, 2012 6:11 PM GMT
    Wanna go on a date?
  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Apr 07, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    Thanks to everyone for everyone for all the nice comments...it means a lot.

    I know I'm young and I am by no means saying I'm "forever alone" just because I'm not in a relationship at 19, I'm just trying to figure out how to change my situation at the moment. But I agree with everyone who said I should focus on being a doctor, and that's definitely what I have been doing and will continue doing.
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    Apr 07, 2012 7:34 PM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    eagledreamer saidand be someone that my kids can be proud of some day.



    There is a HUGE part of your problem..............icon_wink.gif


    Mark, be nice.... /*evil smirk*/
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Apr 07, 2012 7:44 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidThanks to everyone for everyone for all the nice comments...it means a lot.

    I know I'm young and I am by no means saying I'm "forever alone" just because I'm not in a relationship at 19, I'm just trying to figure out how to change my situation at the moment. But I agree with everyone who said I should focus on being a doctor, and that's definitely what I have been doing and will continue doing.


    Also don't be in a rush to find someone and have your heart broken. That can be a huge distraction if you get in a relationship that doesn't work out. It is probably best to focus on school now. You're going to get extremely busy in your field of study and that can put a strain on any relationship. If you get involved with someone make sure they understand what they are getting into.
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    Apr 07, 2012 8:05 PM GMT
    Don't get sidetracked from your studies. Finish college and go to med school. A stethoscope is very sexy. Unless you're a gynecologist men will be beating down your door.
  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Apr 07, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    If you have to choose between love and school, choose love. School isn't going anywhere icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 07, 2012 8:27 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidHey, I'll try to keep this short because I know no one wants to read a ten paragraph essay about some guy's love life problems.

    I'm really struggling in the relationship department. I'm 19 and in college (at a college where being gay isn't the norm at all), studying to be a doctor (some day!).

    My school has a major hook-up culture (both gay and straight...like most colleges, haha), but I'm really not into that scene. I'd rather commit myself to one person than go around hooking up. To be honest, I've been there and it really isn't for me. I can't help but take my lack of a love life personally, because even though I'm only 19 I've never had a relationship with a guy before (though I dated women before coming out).

    So I'm just wondering if you guys can give me any advice based on what I say about myself? Feel free to be as honest as possible.

    To give a summary...I'm 6' tall, 147 lbs, brown hair blue eyes...19 years old. I consider myself to be pretty smart...I'm at a good college and have a strong GPA, studying to be a doctor. I'm really motivated and my schoolwork is a huge priority to me. I think my best personality qualities are that I'm caring and humble. I honestly don't want to be a doctor for the money...I've always been drawn to health fields because of the patient care aspect. When I was little I was always told I should be a doctor because I was a really "caring" kid, and I think that stuck...I hope so, at least! I try to be as down-to-earth as possible because I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunities that I do. My parents are kind of deadbeats, so I'm just happy that I'm on track to go into medicine and be someone that my kids can be proud of some day.

    I'm really into sports, love watching them and playing them. Pretty masculine guy...loyal friend.

    I'm basically just listing adjectives at this point...but just any opinions on what you guys think I could do to have more success in the love dept.? I'm new to this site so my photo hasn't been approved yet, but it should be soon.

    Thanks a lot!




    Having come from a similar background for undergrad, professional, and then graduate schools where hook-up culture was not only the norm, but the only option, and the townies were not much to look at so I just felt 5ever alone: you prove your worth every day you avoid falling into that dark pit of meaningless sex with strangers and in the absence of any real feelings. So good for you that you can avoid at it the age it is most difficult to avoid impulses. Not everyone can. It is a comment on your character in the positive way.

    Just because you have not found "the one" yet is not commentary on you as a person at all - by the shallow (looking at your photo) and by the more gestalt and thoughtful rubric (reading your profile and your responses in this thread) you appear to be doing absolutely everything right. Smart, motivated ... the only red flag that I instantly picked up is that you seem a bit harsh on your parents. Without knowing the full story I don't want to venture too many guesses. But as a single guy when I am chatting/stalking RJ profiles, one of the big turn-offs is to see a guy with what **appears** to be an abject absence of compassion for others, which is further emphasized by the repeated references of "masculine" which carries some negative import about how much you would stick up for a guy with a purse getting bullied on the metro. Given that, I am amused that you talk about being drawn to medicine because of patient care - there is something incongruous there, but we all probably have that if we look hard enough: I own an Xbox360 and not a PS.3. Yet my profile specifically mentions PS.3 so I could sheepishly enhance my video game playing abilities without having to purchase the system.

    To enhance your success in the love department: just keep doing what you are doing in school and be yourself. You are still young so you have plenty of time to develop more compassion for the less fortunate, the complex, and the "grey areas" of life that surround you. Since you, as a person, seem worthwhile (and cute) you basically are putting yourself out there every day when you shop at the supermarket or go to the gym or register an account here - and you will get to decide who interests you. Like Pontifex posted, one day you will just meet someone, whether on the internet or at Whole Foods, that sees right through you and likes everything he sees and then he wants to date you: and you want to date him because you liked everything you saw when you looked through him.

    PS. If you wanted an embarrassingly public compliment ... when I saw you had looked at my profile I had to write a post in here so I could award you this:

    tumblr_m1b9mkTmsR1qim015o2_500.gif

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Apr 07, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Again, thanks for all the great responses, guys!

    It really means a lot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2012 12:46 AM GMT
    Take your time. Think a lot.



    There's so much you have to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    Just wait. You may get to choose between "love" or "career".

    Choose wisely. Remember, it can be an "and", not an "or".
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Apr 10, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Judging from this post, and the pics (yeah sometimes it is OKAY to judge a book by its cover), you have much more great things going for you in life.

    So cheer up and enjoy the ride icon_wink.gif
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Apr 10, 2012 11:28 PM GMT
    I read Dan Savage's advice column every week and just a few weeks ago a guy wrote in saying pretty much what you did her. Dan Savage advised him to "be the guy you want to date". And that's the best advice for somebody as young as yourself. Don't worry about finding somebody to date, instead focus on your hobbies and interests and health and that will make you more desireable and well rounded. Plus it will increase your chances of meeting a good guy
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 11, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    Get older.