Did being gay make you suicidal/depressed?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:17 PM GMT
    I first realised I was gay at the age of 12 (of course, looking back, there are things which I know show that I was gay, as I had crushed on movie characters since the age of 5)...but when I first realised, I was fucking terrified to say the least. My dad's pretty damn homophobic: says he can't stand them, said that 'they' should stay in the closet, insults gay people, abides by stereotyped. I was shit scared. I used to cry myself to sleep at night. When I was 14/15, it got worse. Other bad stuff was going on in my life - but it was mainly my dad's homophobia which made me feel worse. I had attempted suicide multiple times (and failed...obviously). I felt so alone, I was bullied at school, and the majority of the people in my family were dead, and home wasn't "home". I came out at 15.

    But I'm better now.
    Basically, one question...did being gay/dealing with your sexuality/sex identity make your childhood feel tough and almost unbearable.

    Thanks,
    Alex icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:23 PM GMT
    deeley1 saidI first realised I was gay at the age of 12 (of course, looking back, there are things which I know show that I was gay, as I had crushed on movie characters since the age of 5)...but when I first realised, I was fucking terrified to say the least. My dad's pretty damn homophobic: says he can't stand them, said that 'they' should stay in the closet, insults gay people, abides by stereotyped. I was shit scared. I used to cry myself to sleep at night. When I was 14/15, it got worse. Other bad stuff was going on in my life - but it was mainly my dad's homophobia which made me feel worse. I had attempted suicide multiple times (and failed...obviously). I felt so alone, I was bullied at school, and the majority of the people in my family were dead, and home wasn't "home". I came out at 15.

    But I'm better now.
    Basically, one question...did being gay/dealing with your sexuality/sex identity make your childhood feel tough and almost unbearable.

    Thanks,
    Alex icon_biggrin.gif


    Yeah. It's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with myself, and even now, I'm still working on being comfortable with being attracted to guys. I've been suicidal at points in the past, and luckily, I've grown since then. I've had to do a lot of work on myself and feel a lot of discomforting feelings, but when it comes down to feeling uncomfortable and losing your life, it makes the discomfort a little easier to bare.

    Message me if ya wanna talk.

    Matt
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:26 PM GMT
    Nope. Gave me a fire in my belly. Plus I loved being different from the majority of guys. Made me feel special more than anything .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:30 PM GMT
    Emesis54 said
    deeley1 saidI first realised I was gay at the age of 12 (of course, looking back, there are things which I know show that I was gay, as I had crushed on movie characters since the age of 5)...but when I first realised, I was fucking terrified to say the least. My dad's pretty damn homophobic: says he can't stand them, said that 'they' should stay in the closet, insults gay people, abides by stereotyped. I was shit scared. I used to cry myself to sleep at night. When I was 14/15, it got worse. Other bad stuff was going on in my life - but it was mainly my dad's homophobia which made me feel worse. I had attempted suicide multiple times (and failed...obviously). I felt so alone, I was bullied at school, and the majority of the people in my family were dead, and home wasn't "home". I came out at 15.

    But I'm better now.
    Basically, one question...did being gay/dealing with your sexuality/sex identity make your childhood feel tough and almost unbearable.

    Thanks,
    Alex icon_biggrin.gif


    Yeah. It's taken a long time for me to get comfortable with myself, and even now, I'm still working on being comfortable with being attracted to guys. I've been suicidal at points in the past, and luckily, I've grown since then. I've had to do a lot of work on myself and feel a lot of discomforting feelings, but when it comes down to feeling uncomfortable and losing your life, it makes the discomfort a little easier to bare.

    Message me if ya wanna talk.

    Matt


    Glad it wasn't just me....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:31 PM GMT
    yes, it did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    yes, it did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    it still does sometimes icon_rolleyes.gif
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Apr 09, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    for the first year when it hit the fan with my family yeah depressed never worth taking my life though. the only way people get that is when u let them.
  • bischero

    Posts: 847

    Apr 09, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    Back in high school it most definitely did. I used to be super homophobic and would bash gays in high school; I felt like they needed to be "fixed" in some way. Have to admit that was a lot of my dad's doing. He's still incredibly homophobic and he's told me some pretty awful things that would happen to our relationship if I were gay.

    It wasn't until college that I finally realized that this is who I am and that's how it's going to be. God made me this way and I have to love and accept myself for who He made me. If it weren't for my belief in Christ, I probably would have killed myself... but my faith kept me holding on and still does to this day.

    What makes me sad/frustrated more than anything nowadays is my father and his unbelievable homophobia. I don't know what will happen to our relationship, but I will love him no matter what even if he doesn't love me back.

    Glad that you are still with us!!! Let me know if you ever want to talk. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    it wasn't just you man
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    bischero saidBack in high school it most definitely did. I used to be super homophobic and would bash gays in high school; I felt like they needed to be "fixed" in some way. Have to admit that was a lot of my dad's doing. He's still incredibly homophobic and he's told me some pretty awful things that would happen to our relationship if I were gay.

    It wasn't until college that I finally realized that this is who I am and that's how it's going to be. God made me this way and I have to love and accept myself for who He made me. If it weren't for my belief in Christ, I probably would have killed myself... but my faith kept me holding on and still does to this day.

    What makes me sad/frustrated more than anything nowadays is my father and his unbelievable homophobia. I don't know what will happen to our relationship, but I will love him no matter what even if he doesn't love me back.

    Glad that you are still with us!!! Let me know if you ever want to talk. icon_smile.gif


    I will man icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    it still does at times i feel like should just kill myself icon_sad.gif and end up crying alot
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Apr 09, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    Depressed? I'm sure it had something to do with it buticon_biggrin.gif I had other issues too. I'm well over it now. Suicidal? Nope. Suicide isn't something I could see myself attempting. Even if life completely sucked I'd want to watch the train wreck and maybe figure a way out. What do you have to lose at that point?
  • Staff

    Posts: 5

    Apr 09, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    I'm 32, and still not out with my parents. I'm a happy guy in life but the feeling of admitting I'm gay makes me feel sick, I still feel so ashamed, dirty and unacceptable. It's crazy, I have a good career but just can't seem to handle this issue. I have nexer kept down a relationship because I feel immoral, so i break up. I'm having real trouble accepting myself. Mum is a great Christian, and I have every respect, letting her down would kill me.
    I know what the answer to all this is.......but it's so difficult. (I appreciate this forum).
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Apr 09, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    In high school I messed around with guys and girls, so really didn't know what I was. Finally hit me when I was in college and yes it did make me depressed and suicidal. My bf in college really helped me out a lot coming to terms with my sexuality and that it's okay to be gay. Once in a while I still get a bit sad at being gay, especially when I see older gay guys out at bars all alone. I really don't want to end up like that.
  • okcomputer201...

    Posts: 132

    Apr 09, 2012 9:23 PM GMT
    Been there too. It wasn't until I was 22 that I even acted on my feelings. I was so ashamed, confused, and afraid of who I was, that I thought that my whole universe would implode should anyone find out that I was gay. Depression and anxiety slowly consumed my life until I no longer recognized myself (it sounds a little melodramatic, but I'm serious!). So I started coming out to those closest to me. Some of my family responded viciously and, although this made me sad for a little while, I realized that their hateful behavior was no sweat off of my back. All they did was bring me down; their rejection was a HUGE blessing.

    So I walked away, snapping my fingers and singing "aint nothin gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no .. I got to keep on moving..." icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    ... yup. I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality at all. Life's a bitch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    No... shitty people and surroundings make you suicidal and depressed. Change those first to what makes you happy, then see what your opinion is. Cheers*icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Did being gay make you suicidal/depressed?

    Just the reverse, it made me incredibly happy & elated. It answered all the puzzling questions, resolved all the confusion & internal conflicts I'd had about myself for far too long. I know I'm a decent & good person, so therefore whatever I am must also be a good thing.

    I accept no one else's definition of shame & guilt. If I am gay, then in turn, gay must also be good, because I am not bad. I turn the homophobic prejudice upside down, because I know ME, and I know who and what kind of person I am. I don't rely upon others to define me.

    Nope, finally realizing I was gay was the happiest moment of my life, which I still celebrate each year as my "second birthday". icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    okcomputer2010 saidBeen there too. It wasn't until I was 22 that I even acted on my feelings. I was so ashamed, confused, and afraid of who I was, that I thought that my whole universe would implode should anyone find out that I was gay. Depression and anxiety slowly consumed my life until I no longer recognized myself (it sounds a little melodramatic, but I'm serious!).


    You don't sound melodramatic to me. I definitely had that experience the first two years after coming out. I felt like I'd lost myself, and I was living someone else's life. It's scary to have that experience. Fortunately, I moved back home and reconnected with my roots, bringing this element of my life into the open... and there've been good and bad results. But I'm glad I've done this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:36 PM GMT
    For some reason I always thought everyone was gay and men just managed somehow to have sex with women so heterosexual sex should be as easy as taking a driving test. So with that thought process I never thought I was particularaly different, so I always had girlfriends and stuff and no one really thought I was a gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:38 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidIt feels like that was a million years ago and not a part of my life any more. I think maybe it depressed me at times, but I don't know if it was because I was gay, or more because I felt like I had to hide it. I don't think I was depressed out being gay itself though. I think I was more depressed over the social stigma of it. I never thought there was anything wrong with me. I just felt like I lived in Hell and there was no way out of it.


    I'm excited to get to that point- where I have to try to remember the time in my life when I was despondent over being gay. I've begun to think, lately, that I'm headed in that direction icon_biggrin.gif
  • okcomputer201...

    Posts: 132

    Apr 09, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    Emesis54 said
    okcomputer2010 saidBeen there too. It wasn't until I was 22 that I even acted on my feelings. I was so ashamed, confused, and afraid of who I was, that I thought that my whole universe would implode should anyone find out that I was gay. Depression and anxiety slowly consumed my life until I no longer recognized myself (it sounds a little melodramatic, but I'm serious!).


    You don't sound melodramatic to me. I definitely had that experience the first two years after coming out. I felt like I'd lost myself, and I was living someone else's life. It's scary to have that experience. Fortunately, I moved back home and reconnected with my roots, bringing this element of my life into the open... and there've been good and bad results. But I'm glad I've done this.


    I'm glad you've done this too. The courage and openness that is being shared on this thread is heartwarming. It truly does get better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    kevin9988 saidit still does at times i feel like should just kill myself icon_sad.gif and end up crying alot


    If you aren't already doing so, find a professional to talk with or at the very least a good friend and confidant to pour your feelings out to.

    As for me, my life wasn't unbearable and I don't remember wanting to kill myself, but there were times that were difficult.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 09, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    I was lucky enough to be informed about homosexuality at a rather early age, and it didn't take me much time to accept who I am and move on to the priorities I had at the time.

    Although in secondary school I went through a period of relative social isolation, it had less to do with me being gay than me being ugly, inarticulate and unpopular. I am still these things, but I've learned to care less about what people think of me.