What About A Person Makes You Feel Close To Them

  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Apr 10, 2012 5:59 AM GMT
    This is a question I really need to find an answer to, for a number of reasons. Put simply, I do not feel the level of closeness to other people that they do to me in 99% of the cases. Several weeks ago I had come to the conclusion that in actuality it was the fact that my standards for feeling connectedness to others was just way too high. However, I have begun to rethink this again, and default back to feeling that there is something about my internal world that is blocking me from feeling close to others. Reason being is I am seeing disparities between these feelings showing up again.

    What spurred this, is that a friend of mine (who I don't feel too much closeness to), texted me and said "miss you buddy". This truly caught me off guard. When I have been around him (and this guy in particular) my behavior has been quite languid, pensive, and almost depressive. Where as he is quite energetic, bouncy, and care-free (in many respects the opposite of me). I am quite good at figuring out the minds of others, and in this case I actually can't figure it out with him. The only reason I could surmise from this is that he's interested in me (he's gay). However several months ago he said he wanted to just be friends, so I am quite doubtful.

    So, what I want to ask everyone is, with those whom you feel a genuine deeper connection with, what is it about them that causes you to feel this way. Please explain in as much detail as possible the reasons behind this, how long it took for it to build up, and how this is maintained. Additionally, is this feeling mutual. Assuming it is, what is it about yourself that the other person feels connected to you with. I mean this in the context of any sort of relationship (friendship, relationship, married, etc.).

  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Apr 10, 2012 12:33 PM GMT
    Interesting post. Without knowing you personally it's hard to give any advice, but it sounds like you might have some emotional blocks that keep you from connecting deeply (or reciprocating when others want to connect to you). If you feel like it's creating a problem, you can see about finding a counselor to help you discover why you're experiencing this.

    I'm usually a bit guarded at first--friendly, but guarded--when developing a relationship or friendship with someone. If I decide that I genuinely like someone, I show it by taking initiative and engaging him, whether that interest is platonic or romantic, but am very aware of the other guy's comfort zone and dial it back if he's reticent.

    With most of my deep friendships, they became that way through many years of shared experience, which includes being very open about things that affect us emotionally.

    On the rare occasion, I have met people with whom I felt an immediate connection that went beyond sexual attraction or casual friendship--it's kind of an indescribable familiarity or comfort level. Some of those people are still in my life, and others rotated out, but they left a lasting impression.
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    Apr 10, 2012 12:48 PM GMT
    Try counseling, as already suggested. Just like with medical issues that get discussed here, it could be a waste of all our times to try to analyze something online, with neither the professional qualifications nor personal contact to properly approach this.

    Certainly reasons for this response (and I stress this is just an open list, not a diagnosis) can be emotional abandonment and trauma during childhood. Things like aloof or absent parents, turbulent childhood, being an institutionalized orphan, adopted child, past failed relationships, etc.

    These are among the things a counselor or psychologist will probe for. Your profile says you are an introvert. Many people are, nothing wrong with that per se, unless you believe it's making you unhappy. A professional counselor may be able to work with you to determine if being introvert is your problem to be corrected, or whether you just need to learn how to be a happy introvert, as many are.
  • TonyD

    Posts: 168

    Apr 10, 2012 12:49 PM GMT
    you need to empathize with them, and have them empathize with you.
    thats the answer as i see it...ask me more, if you like
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    Apr 10, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    Depends. With me I have INTJ personality and I don't really connect emotionally with people, even still to this day though I am not as closed off as I used to be. I remember becoming friends with this guy in HS and we became really close even though we were extremely different.

    Me -Serious, introverted, analytical, skeptical,

    Him- somewhat gullible, goofy, very warm, engaging, and positive

    We used to chat during our long rides home and stuff, and I guess we both helped each other out. Didn't realize how much he valued my friendship until I saw what he wrote in my yearbook. and on the last day of school we hugged for an eternity. I didn't cry lol but it did hit me hard to realize that we may never cross paths again

    Fast forward 4 years later and although we only see each other once in a blue we still have that same bond even after I came out to him he didn't think differently of me.

    So i hope that kinda answers your question
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Apr 10, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    I had gone to counselling (one on one and group) for the past 6 months for this very issue. The problem is the counselers never came to any sort of definitive conclusion to aid me. The reason being is that I am so self aware that I can usually pinpoint if something is correct or not when someone asserts something about me. If a counseler does this with me, I will work through it and either accept it or prove it wrong, and I only consider it wrong until the counseler agrees with me.

    The only thing that made it through with the aid of them is that I do not allow myself to feel vulnerable around others. The trouble is I do not really know how to do this without thinking I am acting inappropriate. Additionally, I have put this into practice for several months now with allowing myself to feel vulnerable, and it does allow others to feel connected to to me, but I still don't quite feel it to the extent that others claim.

    Again, I feel part of it that my standards of what I am supposed to feel perhaps may be too high. Without something to directly compare it to though, it doesn't help.
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    Apr 10, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    That I can actually trust them. Very few people in my life do I actually trust. I was jerked around more than anyone should be as a child by other kids and adults alike so I suffer from an understandable degree of paranoia, especially with Asperger's which makes it more difficult for me to tell if someone is being honest or fucking with me.
  • ATXnative

    Posts: 240

    Apr 10, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    I have been in a serious relationship, with all the best trimmings, best attitude etc. But I didn't feel close, in that intimate way. Which is why I'm not a part of it... but I found that feeling with the guy I see now. I can't really describe it, I think it's the way he always takes me into consideration and the way he looks into my eyes. I can feel exactly how much he's into me with his eyes

    .. also, we have verbal sex. That's a new thing for me, could be a contributing factor.
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    Apr 10, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    Shared experiences bring people closer together == whether actually shared together or be it similar situations each can identify with and make a connection.

    If you can't seem to make personal connections you might have a personality disorder or be borderline autistic. I really don't know because I'm not a trained medical professional, so I wouldn't give that last statement one iota of creedence if I were you.