Is it ever ok to snoop?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2008 12:23 PM GMT
    I was wondering if and when is it ever ok to snoop through your bf's things, computer, phone etc....especially if you suspect cheating?
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    Jul 15, 2008 1:19 PM GMT
    What about just asking outright? icon_razz.gif
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    Jul 15, 2008 1:43 PM GMT
    it's never ok.
    trust is a two-way street and why should he trust you if you want to snoop through his things -- meaning you don't want him to know what you are doing.

    You think he's "cheating" so you want to go behind his back and rummage through his personal belongings -- how invasive is that??

    Yeah, just grow some balls and ask what's up.

    Any one who has to sneak around for answers is no better than one who would cheat. And your trust issues may push him to cheat or simply move on - so which came 1st "the chicken or the egg"?

    Hate to sound harsh, but in my opion thoughts like this need a wake up call.
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    Jul 15, 2008 1:49 PM GMT
    This has been posted before. Its never ok to snoop. Why look for trouble? If you think your boyfriend is hiding something from you. Ask him about it. I dont go through my boyfriends phones, check his messages, go through his drawers or his email. I dont even have or want his password. I trust him. If I want to know something. I ask. If I find out he was lying to me. I will deal with it accordingly.
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    Jul 15, 2008 1:56 PM GMT
    gymguy1 saidThis has been posted before. Its never ok to snoop. Why look for trouble? If you think your boyfriend is hiding something from you. Ask him about it. I dont go through my boyfriends phones, check his messages, go through his drawers or his email. I dont even have or want his password. I trust him. If I want to know something. I ask. If I find out he was lying to me. I will deal with it accordingly.


    Not only that, but if he is cheating, it'll end up coming out in the end. Be open and honest with your BF, let him know how you feel. It's important to keep the communication flowing.
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    Jul 15, 2008 1:57 PM GMT
    I agree with Bodywork 100%. Trust is a very important thing. If something needs to be hidden then there is a larger problem at hand!
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    Jul 15, 2008 2:10 PM GMT
    quaddamn saidI was wondering if and when is it ever ok to snoop through your bf's things, computer, phone etc....especially if you suspect cheating?


    I'd have to say no.
    If you suspect cheating, you'll need to be up front with your suspicions before it poisons the relationship.
    Snooping will either add fuel to a fire, or start a fire.
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    Jul 15, 2008 2:12 PM GMT
    I would hate anyone snooping around, pawing through my laptop, checking the History file, etc. I don't cheat (when I'm in a relationship) and if any guy was sniffing up my backside looking for evidence, I'd lose respect and admiration for him so fast...........
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    Jul 15, 2008 2:35 PM GMT
    This is very relevant to me!
    I caught my b/f looking at my pictures that I have in my Lappy!Most of them are Internet photo's but some are guys know and not sexually either and I got angry and said that it was wrong!Also my mobile is never locked and his is on security lock always? He looked at my mobile when a call came thro' from my ex which I did not see as I was making Dinner and I got angry and he wanted to know why my ex was calling and I said he was my EX and always will be!He is a lot younger so I have to take that into account and Turkish who are known to be very Jealous and can be possessive.As they say in Turkish BOS VER who cares?
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    Jul 15, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
    If you have evidence, then you don't need to snoop to find it. If all you have is suspicion - I guess maybe you need to have a conversation about how you are still getting use to him and building trust so you want to play safe.

    Its pretty impossible to keep such close tabs on a guy that you know if he's cheating or not. Plus who wants a relationship bases on complete control. If you can't take the risk of unsafe sex, then don't.
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    Jul 15, 2008 2:40 PM GMT
    I don't think it's right to snoop... however I understand the temptation. When you know (or think you know) that something just isn't right. It's natural to want to find out why... but wow, you're treading on a slippery slope if you handle it incorrectly.

    And I'm sorry - but to every person who casually says "just ask"... that's crap. MEN LIE icon_mad.gif I've never heard of anyone asking their boyfriend if they were cheating and them honestly admitting it. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Trust is a two way street... yes it is. It's also a lot like building a house of cards. It takes a lot of time and patience to build, and can be wiped out in the blink of an eye depending on the instance. Cheating, snooping (both are forms of lying) can definitely be enough to do that.

    These types of situations just suck. Period.

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    Jul 15, 2008 2:41 PM GMT
    NEVER!!!


    If you suspect something, just ask; if you never ask you'll never receive/know! At least let him know about your suspensions, he may not own up to it, however at least it's out in the open.
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Jul 15, 2008 3:03 PM GMT
    Never snoop. Have a friend do it for you.
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:11 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidNEVER!!!


    If you suspect something, just ask; if you never ask you'll never receive/know! At least let him know about your suspensions, he may not own up to it, however at least it's out in the open.


    I could not agree more. If your suspicious and you ask and you don't believe the answer, you need to get out of the relationship because if you don't believe him, you never will. There is no trust in a relationship like this. This is regardless of whether or not the answer is an honest one. The result is the same.

    If he's honest and you don't believe him, you've ruined the relationship.

    If he's dishonest and you don't believe him, he's ruined the relationship.

    Total honesty is a fallacy. We are either as honest as we believe we can be or we are not. Total honesty can only work if no emotion is involved at all. So if you are a robot, fine, this will work for you. If you believe you are totally honest all the time, then you are delusional. The issue is whether your honest in matters that are important to you AND are important to your partner.

    Personally, I can't be in a relationship with someone who only wants validation and positive reinforcement without any constructive (diplomatic and discrete of course) criticism. I also would prefer an honest response when I ask for specifically critical commentary. I'm an adult and I can take it.
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    Squarejaw saidNever snoop. Have a friend do it for you.


    HeeHee!! Have a friend follow him!! Just kidding!!! Or set him up!! ok, SO JUST kidding!!!
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    snooping may satisfy your the questioning in your mind because you might get an answer, but in the long run you look bad whether he is cheating or not. on one hand if he is cheating, u are blaming him for not being faithful but at the same time you are showing your lack of faith and lack of trust. if he isnt cheating, u just let him know that you have absolutely no trust in the relatiosnhip and that will be a foundation i think you cannot repair. if u feel hes cheating ask him rather than snoop. just be up front and honest. it may hurt but it is the best way to do it. if u still feel he is cheating then go from there. if u cant believe him and u still have sex, just always protect urself. if u cant deal at all tho, then move on. BUT DONT SNOOP!!!
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    No. Never. Even if you suspect something. If your bf is up to no good, and you find out by snopping, automatically he has something against YOU and this can complicate the issue.

    Face to face talking is better. He will have to live with the guilt and consequences of lying, if he is. You will able to take the high road.

    Snooping is no good.in any situation.
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:33 PM GMT
    so if you find something, then what? when he asks, how did you find out, what will be your response?

    two wrongs...

    not a good idea to snoop. talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. maybe he can simply ease your suspicion. but don't ask him if he's cheating - that's just stupid. because if he is or isn't, the answer... which you should already know... is NO.
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    Jul 15, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    Nope...if you snoop trust is gone and you are violating boundaries. it was a major factor that ended my 20 year relationship.
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    Jul 15, 2008 4:28 PM GMT
    Sedative saidWhat about just asking outright? icon_razz.gif


    A reading from the Book of Sedative ladies and gentlemen.
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Jul 15, 2008 4:56 PM GMT
    Agree with Bodywork4 as well,it is a negative action,not worthy of you.
    Try not to let the day pass without attempting to clear the air,talk to him with affection,then try to forgive and forget.
    Good luck and best wishes.

    Regards,R.
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    Jul 15, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidBut if you think your man's cheating and you confront him...what happens when he protests that he's not but the evidence still suggests he is? What then? Especially if YOUR sexual health might be at risk?



    Then this is when you break up with him.
    Snooping is cheating, two wrongs (to coin a phrase) do not make a right.
    The issue is trust, if it can't be discussed maturely, then it's time to move on.
    Short of being the overly jealous type and "seeing" demons around every corner, you know when the facts are "in your face" and we all know when some one is being less than honest - even if we don't want to face the facts in front of us.

    So either the cards are all stacked up and he's a lying cheat and now you ask where do we go from here (or do yourself a favor and dump him), or you have persecution complex and see cheaters everywhere and use that to justify your snooping --> and if that is the case, do him a favor - and dump him! So he can move on to a trusting relationship.

    Or if there is just the "raised eye-brow" type of concern, then don't accuse and just say, "Things seem different, even to the point of you possibly wanting some one else, so what's up?"
    ...but if you ask and he can be honest, you better be prepared for the answer

    which may be - you're suffocating me!!
    or
    nah, babe, you're wrong and over analyzing, it's ur hot ass I want.


    Damn! I sound like Dr. Phil
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2008 5:16 PM GMT
    Hi-

    So after going through everyone's responses, here is what I have to say about "snooping".

    First, think about how you would feel and think if your boyfriend went through your belongings and invaded your privacy. With that in mind, I think it is best to approach your boyfriend with how you've been feeling with ownership. Sharing with him how you're feeling and being honest will open a door for a conversation. I recommend that you start the conversation by talking about how you've been feeling in general and about the relationship. I'd also recommend that you do this face-to-face, not in the bedroom, and holding his hand. Being close to him (touching) while talking about your emotions will show how much you care, your seriousness about the relationship and comfort. It's worked for me and was recommended by my therapist in the past. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2008 5:17 PM GMT
    I wouldn't snoop.

    But if you see something, say something. (Thank you MTA/Taylor Mac.)

    If you see that he's made changes to his routine that seem out of character, say something.
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    Jul 15, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    I don't think it's okay to snoop, but I pose this question to everyone:

    If you had a tiny suspicion about something (not necessarily cheating) and could snoop without ever being caught, would you still do it?