Can You Truly Move On From Being Cheated On

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    Apr 11, 2012 4:15 AM GMT
    If you are with someone and you care about them and they cheat on you, would it be possible for you to move on from it and continue the relationship like it was before.

    I am not talking about breaking up, but would you still have the same level of trust and feelings as it were.

    I always wondered if people who say they move on and let go, really move on and let go.

    Is it possible to forget that it happened and go back to the way things were, or do you always have what they did in the back of your mind.
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    Apr 11, 2012 6:08 AM GMT
    Being cheated on was a blessing for me, don't get me wrong I love my bf but it really made me a stronger person and I realised that I should never trust anyone 100%. It made me focus more on myself icon_smile.gif

    Of course I had the option of leaving him but I chose to stay and we accomplished so much together. It's not the same as before, when he cheated he lost my trust, now I find it hard to believe him no matter what. I just ignored it and tried my best to move on but deep down I am always wondering if I was not good enough or if he is doing it again.

    So for me although I have somewhat moved on I think about it often and its something I do not think I can forget, it will always be there at the back of my mind. When we are fighting I always think about it. There is nothing he can do to make it up, I think once trust is lost like that it can never be fixed.

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    Apr 11, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    Jewlicious saidBeing cheated on was a blessing for me, don't get me wrong I love my bf but it really made me a stronger person and I realised that I should never trust anyone 100%. It made me focus more on myself icon_smile.gif

    Of course I had the option of leaving him but I chose to stay and we accomplished so much together. It's not the same as before, when he cheated he lost my trust, now I find it hard to believe him no matter what. I just ignored it and tried my best to move on but deep down I am always wondering if I was not good enough or if he is doing it again.

    So for me although I have somewhat moved on I think about it often and its something I do not think I can forget, it will always be there at the back of my mind. When we are fighting I always think about it. There is nothing he can do to make it up, I think once trust is lost like that it can never be fixed.

    This is why polygamy works better for me. I find it easier to have trust when you know that your bf has another part-time bf or two on the side...and is honest about it from the beginning.

    That way the natural physiological need for sex is fulfilled, and the relationship can continue without worrying about when he's gonna "cheat" again. Instead, it's already predetermined that he will see someone else from time to time as his sexual needs change.
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    Apr 11, 2012 7:24 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Jewlicious saidBeing cheated on was a blessing for me, don't get me wrong I love my bf but it really made me a stronger person and I realised that I should never trust anyone 100%. It made me focus more on myself icon_smile.gif

    Of course I had the option of leaving him but I chose to stay and we accomplished so much together. It's not the same as before, when he cheated he lost my trust, now I find it hard to believe him no matter what. I just ignored it and tried my best to move on but deep down I am always wondering if I was not good enough or if he is doing it again.

    So for me although I have somewhat moved on I think about it often and its something I do not think I can forget, it will always be there at the back of my mind. When we are fighting I always think about it. There is nothing he can do to make it up, I think once trust is lost like that it can never be fixed.

    This is why polygamy works better for me. I find it easier to have trust when you know that your bf has another part-time bf or two on the side...and is honest about it from the beginning.

    That way the natural physiological need for sex is fulfilled, and the relationship can continue without worrying about when he's gonna "cheat" again. Instead, it's already predetermined that he will see someone else from time to time as his sexual needs change.


    But to me it is like saying, I dont care if he cheats, because he already is...just being open about it.

    I really do not see the diff.
    If you both are doing it and feel that when then that is understandable

    but I don't think one person would feel comfortable being monagamous while their partner is doing the whole polygamy thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    Never been cheated on because I'm hot, smart, a great cook and don't have a gag reflex.
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    Apr 11, 2012 7:35 PM GMT
    It is absolutely possible.

    It is not always probable however.

    It depends largely on many different circumstances including (but not limited to) was it a seriel cheating situation vs. a one time dalliance, how long you have been together, what agreements were clearly in place, what were the reasons for the situation and most importantly the mindset of the person who cheated after the situation has been brought into the open.

    Sometimes life brings about circumstances that are not ideal but are not always deal-breakers either.

    It is not impossible by any stretch of the imagination - but there is no one blanket answer to the question.
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    Apr 11, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    I don't think anyone can ever forget being cheated on and I don't think relationships can ever be the same. It just changes the dynamics of the relationship, almost completely.

    I've never been cheated on, nor have I cheated. But if it were to happen, I don't think I would be able to maintain a romantic relationship with the other person. I think I can get to a point of maintaining a very strong friendship (possibly with benefits), but that would be the extent.
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Apr 11, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    The fact is..does the person want to move on? All wounds heal. However, how it affects a person is really what it is about. Remember, dating is practice. The dude cheated. Cry, swear, do what you need to do. But learn from it, just like from touching a hot stove.

    You will have it in the back of your mind. How one responds to it, however, is the choice you have to make.

    Peace,
    Bardy
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    Apr 11, 2012 9:14 PM GMT
    Touch wood I've never had a guy cheat on me.

    I like to think I'd be quite liberal about it, after all it's just sex BUT you then have to think about the consequences of such actions like STDs etc if they have been shagging around with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

    Once that doubt is placed in your mind I guess it would be hard to ignore.
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    Apr 11, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    I think moving on, more often than not, is the only option. However much that feeling sucks, it only hurts yourself more than the cheater to waste your brain cells over the whys and wherefores of it.

    Then again, I have never had the misfortune to be cheated on, so everything I say is purely theoretical.
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    Apr 12, 2012 2:42 PM GMT
    Jamie said, "I am not talking about breaking up, but would you still have the same level of trust and feelings as it were. "

    Well I certainly tried. In some of my relationships, when it happened, forgiveness given and trust re-established, they always did it again.

    -Doug

    So I ended things, with this song and in this way:

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    Apr 12, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    I'm going through this same process now. Had an ex cheat on me among other things. I want so hard to be the bigger man and move on, but his actions even after we have broken up make it awfully hard. But at this point, forgiveness is not about him. It's about you learning to accept the past and letting go of all the pain and bullshit associated with it. It's not an easy thing to do, but hopefully I will get there soon enough...icon_neutral.gif
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    Apr 12, 2012 5:13 PM GMT
    The REAL challenge is: can you move on into a new relationship and not bring the toxic stuff from the old relationship into the new one? Wil you somewhat "punish" the new relationship with the affects of the old relationship? This has been the BIGGEST challenge for me, I've been cheated on in two of my relationships and I carried them into new one which in return, completely destroyed them. Its really hard to move on and have faith in men once this happens to you even once let alone twice. It comes down to how much of the trust did you lose along the way and are you able to completely trust in a new relationship?
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    Apr 12, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    It depends on the person. There are people who are able to move on after a bad experience, and there are those who're incapable of forgetting negative things. I would think, however, that if fidelity is truly important to someone, he/she won't be able to put the deceit behind him/her--at least not completely.
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    Apr 12, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    Well my ex-bf told me a week into the relationship that he was into dating several people and sleeping around.. basically, polygamy, though he did not say so when we started, I think i was pissed for a little while about him "not telling me" and then I called him and he said he was having boy trouble with one of his by-sides (that's what we call them here and in Aruba) and so I called the by-side and smoothed things over, while having to undergo being hit on by the by-side lol.... I can't tell you how many times he would ask me for a threesome with this person or that person, but I was never interested or angry about it... I was really just mostly interested in him really. But polygamy is normal in so many cultures, I never took issue with it or in having a polygamous partner, I considered it equivalent to me being the first wife in a harem, which was fine, as long ass I got to be the "first wife" I was cool with it...

    That said, I was angry with him for not telling me at the start, but did it hurt our relationship? no it didn't, we broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with the polygamy-monogamy dichotomy.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Apr 12, 2012 7:11 PM GMT
    In reading through the previous posts, I find that there is one phrase that pops up many times: "The relationship will never be the same."

    I think it's critical to understand that a relationship will never STAY the same. There will be constant changes as the partners age, change jobs, change employers, have children, buy property, get a pet, become unemployed, go back to school, grieve over deceased family members, face life-threatening disease or accidents, etc. There will also be constant changes as the partners' tastes change and life goals change and self-esteem changes, and as their view of the other changes.

    Seventeen years into my current relationship, I think our single most important skill set has been the ability to face changes as they are occurring and reaffirm our feelings for one another and our commitment to each other. This usually only happens when there is an earnest threat, like dwindling sexual attraction or temptation from outside the relationship.

    I'm not saying that cheating should be tolerated; by definition, I think it means my partner has sex with another person without my consent. But if it happened, I think it would be an excellent opportunity to lay important values and beliefs on the table... and perhaps decide if I could give my consent to such behavior and under what conditions.
  • PRDGUY

    Posts: 641

    Apr 12, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    "CASH' wrote:

    It is absolutely possible.

    It is not always probable however.


    I agree totally.
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Apr 12, 2012 7:44 PM GMT
    I'm totally fine with polygamy, or anything that is mutually agreed upon or shared together. But there is a pretty fine line between sharing partners and having your partner fuck around on you behind your back. The difference was worth jettisoning a 6 year relationship for me about 2 weeks ago.

    Once the trust is gone, is it really worth your time?

    Not mine. When it's broken, there' no assurance that you can put it back together. And honestly one can be MUCH stronger and better off on their own than constantly having him in the back of the mind 24/7.
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    Apr 12, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    I have been cheated on and have moved on... FROM HIM. Do I trust him? No. But do I care anymore? No, not really.

    If anything being cheated on makes you appreciate what a better/new relationship can provide you.
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    gibby320 saidI have been cheated on and have moved on... FROM HIM. Do I trust him? No. But do I care anymore? No, not really.

    If anything being cheated on makes you appreciate what a better/new relationship can provide you.



    really because as someone said, alot of people bring old issues and pain from old flames to new ones.
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    Oh, I'd be able to move on....I'd end the relationship.
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:39 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    GreenHopper saidWell my ex-bf told me a week into the relationship that he was into dating several people and sleeping around.. basically, polygamy, though he did not say so when we started, I think i was pissed for a little while about him "not telling me" and then I called him and he said he was having boy trouble with one of his by-sides (that's what we call them here and in Aruba) and so I called the by-side and smoothed things over, while having to undergo being hit on by the by-side lol.... I can't tell you how many times he would ask me for a threesome with this person or that person, but I was never interested or angry about it... I was really just mostly interested in him really. But polygamy is normal in so many cultures, I never took issue with it or in having a polygamous partner, I considered it equivalent to me being the first wife in a harem, which was fine, as long ass I got to be the "first wife" I was cool with it...

    That said, I was angry with him for not telling me at the start, but did it hurt our relationship? no it didn't, we broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with the polygamy-monogamy dichotomy.

    Wow, that's so grown-up.


    Haha thanks.. sometimes I can be mature.. just sometimes icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    I agree with some of the other comments that it is, of course, circumstantial. 'How, why, who' are all important factors in determining if you could move on. That being said, I know that within myself, anyone if the wrong person... I think some people have different parameters for what makes a working relationship, for me, one of those is monogamy.
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    What Paulflexes said upthread.

    I'd be willing to work toward relationships, but the partner would know going into it that the ocassional fuckbuddy would be had and/or shared.

    Men are basically pigs: there is a level of freedom that comes from embracing it and not trying to convince ourselves otherwise. I see it as an artifact of our primal instinct to spread our seed to as many recipients as possible.

    That said, I do admire the self-control and discipline of those who are willing and able to emulate the ancient institution of hetero-fidelity with exclusive and mutual monogamy to the other partner.

    But I've found that most men - myself included - are not so abounding in either self control or discipline. Or if they *say* they are, their actions prove otherwise.

    It's better to embrace our nature and tailor our relationships (within safety and reason) to accommodate the needs of our nature. Hopefully, as we age and sex becomes less of a physiological need, we have matured and have found solace in that person we (may) grow old and infirm with.
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    Apr 13, 2012 1:53 AM GMT
    Embrace our nature by thinking with our cocks all the time?

    icon_rolleyes.gif

    "I'm horny, obviously I should act on it - who gives a fuck what my partner thinks."