Boyfriend cheated - very worried

  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 11, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    Im 23 I was in a committed monogamous relationship with a guy I thought I could trust. We were having unprotected sex. We were tested at the start of the relationship and we were both healthy.

    I was the passive partner. I found out he cheated on me and received oral sex and kissed another guy.

    We had sex approximately 3 days later and it's now been 15 days since this. I'm really worried he's irresponsibility could give me a std.
    I am only new to being gay could someone please advise whether is likely I could have been transmitted a life altering STD like HIV or any of the others.

    I plan to get tested but I thought I need to keep waiting to find out if I have HIV. I have had to keep going to the bathroom and had a dull pain in my stomach but I'm not sure if this is a symptom or me feeling anxious constantly.

    I don't know who to ask so I'm hoping someone can help me
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    Apr 11, 2012 11:59 AM GMT
    First of all, take a breath. If this is your first STD/AIDS scare you can take some solace in that it won't be your last (sorry Charlie, that's the Universe we all live in now)

    Did you and your b/f have an agreement of monogamy? Yes you hurt, Yes he made a mistake, you'll make them too.

    There is more going on than his seed sowing, maybe he wasn't ready to settle down, maybe he's worried about YOU leaving (believe it or not I've heard that one from a cheating b/f)

    It's up to you now to decide what you can, will or won't do.

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    Apr 11, 2012 12:24 PM GMT
    What kind of unprotected sex do you have with him? If it's anal then start using a condom, and tell him why that's necessary, if you remain with this guy. At least until you are both tested as HIV negative at 3 and 6 months from now, AND if you both remain 100% monogamous, which is now in doubt.

    Because given his track record, it would be wise to continue to use a condom for anal indefinitely. The risk from oral is thought to be much less, and the question of using a condom for it remains debated. Also, sexually active gay men should be routinely tested for HIV and STDs no less than annually. You should not wait until you have a scare like this one.

    "We were tested at the start of the relationship and we were both healthy."

    That was already a mistake if the "start" was within the first 3 to 6 months of your meeting, and you didn't test a second time after that time interval. HIV is not detectable for months after exposure, using the most common and least costly methods. You both could have been already infected and yet still given negative results, if the exposure happened just before you met.

    Therefore, both of you get tested for HIV and STDs right now, no delay. Begin to practice safe sex with a condom. Read up on it and ask a health care professional for guidance.

    Then have another HIV test in 3 months and 6 months. The test you'll be having TOMORROW will only show your HIV status from several months back, from any prior exposures. If you or your BF became infected within the last 2 weeks with HIV then it won't show up yet in most tests. But you will still be infected, and capable of spreading it to others, and need to begin planning your treatment.

    Also, other STDs can be detected at this point and treatment begun. Your discomfort might be due to a urinary tract infection, so that's also why you need to see a doctor ASAP. Anxiety effects are possible, but it takes a doctor to know.
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    Apr 11, 2012 11:19 PM GMT
    m0dern saidIm 23
    Then why does your profile say 25?
    Tsk tsk.. another one!icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Apr 11, 2012 11:32 PM GMT
    First of all, remain calm.

    Then, calmly dump him. You can't trust a cheater.

    If he was "worried" (as another respondent inferred) he should've come to you first before cheating.

    I'm not sure where you got the info about what he did with another person but I'd consider even that suspect if it came from his mouth. Truth is, since you can't trust him, you can't believe his story is the full truth either.

    Once you've settled down and regained your composure; then get tested.

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    Apr 11, 2012 11:39 PM GMT
    "I found out he cheated on me and received oral sex and kissed another guy."


    If this is all he did, you're fine. You have a much better chance of being struck by lightening (while in an underground cave.) icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 11, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said"I found out he cheated on me and received oral sex and kissed another guy."


    If this is all he did, you're fine. You have a much better chance of being struck by lightening (while in an underground cave.) icon_wink.gif


    And the likelihood that he really did more than just oral and kiss is very high, too. Cheaters will sometimes "lessen the criminal action" to get a softer punishment.
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    Apr 11, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ said
    Scruffypup said"I found out he cheated on me and received oral sex and kissed another guy."


    If this is all he did, you're fine. You have a much better chance of being struck by lightening (while in an underground cave.) icon_wink.gif


    And the likelihood that he really did more than just oral and kiss is very high, too. Cheaters will sometimes "lessen the criminal action" to get a softer punishment.



    Then there's that. icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 12, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    nicenmanly saidOnce you've settled down and regained your composure; then get tested.

    On this point I disagree. He needs to test immediately. For the reason that he was having unprotected sex with an (ex?) BF who is now suspected of cheating.

    I am curious, though, why the OP's post says he's 23, but his profile says 25.
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    Apr 12, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    relax, u r probably fine -
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2012 3:00 AM GMT
    I smell TROLL
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    Apr 12, 2012 4:10 AM GMT
    Jewlicious saidI smell TROLL
    Me too!icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 12, 2012 4:33 AM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    Jewlicious saidI smell TROLL
    Me too!icon_wink.gif



    I just figured someone was cooking lima beans. icon_neutral.gif
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    Apr 12, 2012 4:59 AM GMT
    everything the other posters wrote rings true:
    - don't trust the cheater's story
    - calm down. panicking will do no good to you or anyone else.
    - accept that mistakes will happen in any relationship
    - the risk is low but you should still get tested for your own peace of mind

    i'll add:
    - trust in any relationship can only be built, not promised.
    - after 72hrs after a possible HIV exposure, Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP) treatment is no longer effective against possible HIV infection.
    - its a good idea to take an HIV antibody test now.
    - keep in mind that there is a window period of 3 months within which the HIV antibodies may show up. This means that you will need to re-test again 3 months after the last unprotected sexual interaction between you and your boyfriend.
    - your urination problems or tummy problems may be due to stress, but they could be another STD or urinary tract infection (UTI) - either of which can come from blow jobs or unprotected sex.

    good luck!
  • Avataraja

    Posts: 39

    Apr 12, 2012 5:05 AM GMT
    dump him and take a chill pill...in whichever order you prefer...



    P.S why did you have sex with him if you new he cheated on you?! icon_evil.gif

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    Apr 12, 2012 5:09 AM GMT
    1. Oral sex is very unlikely to give you HIV or Aids, doesnt mean you are clear from other STD's but most likely it is not one of those.

    2. You should dump him, because you are right that is not cool what he did, but at the same time. You are irresponsible aswell. Don't you know that no matter what anyone says, unless there is a ring you always protect yourself during sex even if you guys are in love. People screw people over everyday and so it is always wise to be safe...even if you were married he still could cheat, so you need to protect yourself. at all times.

    3. You should go to the doctor. It has been over 2 weeks so that should be enough time for some disease to manifest. So go and get checked out. Most likely if it is something, then it can either be cured or helped.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 14, 2012 1:00 AM GMT
    hey thanks very much for all the replies.

    I been tested now and get the results on monday.
    But she said I will need to come back in another 10 weeks for it to be conclusive.

    The nurse said that HIV being like a virus, it would be unlikely had he been exposed to HIV on the sunday morning and when we had sex on tuesday, that he would be able to infect me in that smaller time frame because it wouldnt have reached that point in his own body.

    She said its not impossible but unlikely.

    I've had a flu on and off this week which obviously makes me more worried but i'm remaining mentally positive about the situation that i will be okay.


    Also.. I dumped him.
    The first time I forgave because he said it was a mistake. The second time was really just pure selfishness. I'm not really interested to stay with someone who i don't trust and would feel like i need to now 'monitor' was he does. At the end of the day we made a committed relationship and his lies put my own health at risk. Someone who really loves you wouldn't do that.
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    Apr 14, 2012 1:00 AM GMT
    If all he did was kiss this guy and engage in oral sex...you shouldn't be concerned about HIV.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Apr 14, 2012 1:01 AM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA said

    2. You should dump him, because you are right that is not cool what he did, but at the same time. You are irresponsible aswell. Don't you know that no matter what anyone says, unless there is a ring you always protect yourself during sex even if you guys are in love. People screw people over everyday and so it is always wise to be safe...even if you were married he still could cheat, so you need to protect yourself. at all times.



    Yes.. first boyfriend.. first relationship.
    As someone said to me now I've learnt so much that I can use this experience to protect myself in my life.
    However, if I am postive for HIV well than i seriously quit.
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    Apr 15, 2012 8:28 AM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    m0dern saidIm 23
    Then why does your profile say 25?
    Tsk tsk.. another one!icon_rolleyes.gif


    The nurse said that HIV being like a virus, it is a virus troll

    You save me so much time markicon_cool.gif