Hold on I got a call....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2008 1:23 AM GMT
    My bf will be on the phone with me at times and say "hold on I gotta call"...and then return to the phone and never say who it was, why it was so important to interrupt our conversation or anything.

    If this happens to me with him I always apologize and tell him who it was and what it was about. He says I dont have to but I feel its just courteous and I dont want him to think I am putting anyone else before him.

    Am I wrong and being to sensitive or what?

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    Jul 16, 2008 10:18 AM GMT
    This sort of thing is always a toughy. Are you being a controlling boyfriend? Does he have a track record of betraying your trust? Do you deserve to be treated with more respect? Does he really like you?

    I think they're questions only you can answer. I think I'd deserve to be treated better than that.
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    Jul 16, 2008 10:57 AM GMT
    If he is your b/f he should say hold on so and so is calling?
    He is wrong!

    Unless he is hiding something?
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    Jul 16, 2008 10:59 AM GMT
    The ONLY times I will ever take a call when I'm in the middle of another call is:

    From a medical professional,

    From a government agency,

    From my laywer.

    Long expected call that isn't easy to return (i.e. call back from insurance rep after an accident, an impossible to reach tech support person, etc.)

    Call from a friend or relative that I haven't heard from in years.

    I don't like being put on hold and will not do it to others. Of all the examples above, I've only had to put someone on hold 3 times in the last year.
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    Jul 16, 2008 11:14 AM GMT
    Given the nature of your relationship as boyfriends/partners, it is common courtesy for him to show you the respect of letting you know what was important enough to interrupt your initial conversation with him.
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    Jul 16, 2008 11:26 AM GMT
    WAY too sensitive. Maybe a bit insecure?
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    Jul 16, 2008 11:33 AM GMT
    definatly insecure. do you need to know everything all the time?
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    Jul 16, 2008 11:42 AM GMT
    no i agree with him, its just rude. a bf should care more about you than that; and have the common courtesy to only interrupt a conversation for a family member or official- and say who it is, at least if asked. do you ask him?

    if you ask and he skirts the issue or changes the subject, i'd be worried if i were you- it could be his other boyfriend. i've had that happen frequently with the last guy i dated. he'd always say it was his sister- and even then it was frustrating (cause we would never get far into a conversation before it happened, he'd leave abruptly saying he'd be right back or call right back, and never would), but i uncovered the truth in time. i'd say u should ask- you can't have a relationship without trust and you can't have trust without mutual respect and open communication about what bothers you.

    without getting all worried and anxious about that worst case situation though, i'd still stick to my guns that a person, especially a boyfriend, deserves a bit more courtesy and status than that exhibits. personally, i don't interrupt calls. period. i finish my conversation in due time, and call the missed call back. if its an emergency, they'll text me.
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    Jul 16, 2008 11:49 AM GMT
    I'd just say that it's rude unless the call is very important.
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    Jul 16, 2008 12:16 PM GMT
    You don't mention what time of day it is, how many times a day you talk to him on the phone, etc. Is he taking work calls at all times? Does his family call a lot? I think it's fine to ask once in a while in a non-threatening way, "no problem, who was it?" I think how he responds to that question might be more indicative of whether there is anything to worry about or not. If you ask him every time, it's going to come across as distrusting or insecure. Or another option is to just confront him with your feelings. What's wrong with just coming out and saying "you know, it kind of bothers me when we're in a conversation and you constantly put me on hold taking other calls?"

    I dated someone who called me 5-6 times a day during work hours. I sometimes had to put the call on hold. I agree that not everyone lives by the same codes of ethic, but if he's worthy of being called your boyfriend, you have to extend some trust. To be on guard every moment isn't healthy either. Someone else asked it above, but has he ever given you reason to doubt him? If not, ask him a couple of times and if the response isn't threatening, let it go until you have reason to...if and when.

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    Jul 16, 2008 12:52 PM GMT
    hes had problems with prior bf's being controling. We have had our issues of these situations and he says he shouldn't have to tell me where he goes, what he does all day, or who he talks to. He feels we should trust each other and not have to "report" to each other.

    I dont see it that way at all. I tell him everything I can out of courtesy and just being respectful since he is my partner. He says I dont have to. He never asks me who I am talking to, texting, and etc. but I can tell that when I quit giving the info he has occassions to ask questions sometimes.

    He says I shouldnt expect him to give me this info just because I voluntarily give it to him. And yes he has caused doubt and mistrust in our relationship before. But at the same time he is a beautiful and loving man. He treats me so good emotionally. Very sincere in the love that he gives me.

    I appreciate the love he shows but I had a bf like that one time that beat me on a regular basis but I was the love of his life?....

    to me actions speak louder than words in these situations but I am trying to look at it from his point of view but the "secrecy" as I call it bothers me sometimes.
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    Jul 16, 2008 1:04 PM GMT
    I talk to my SO 5-6 times a day on the phone and I use my phone to keep in touch with work-related associates all over the country and the world. He does the same with His crackberry. If you're not discussing anything important, why is it a bother if the call is temporarliy interrupted?
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    Jul 16, 2008 1:36 PM GMT
    I would ignore the other call unless it was a known emergency. I would also warn my bf before hand that our conversation may be interrupted due to a call I have to take. I guess to me it comes down to common courtesy. Call me old-fashioned, but if your bf/partner is not the most important man in your life then you will probably have issues in the relationship.
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    Jul 16, 2008 2:41 PM GMT
    I dont even think of things like this. For me, I will either tell him someone is calling me regardless if I click over or not. If he has to put me on hold he either tells me who it was or if I ask he would tell me. But I wouldnt get upset about it.
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    Jul 16, 2008 2:46 PM GMT
    I don't believe you're wrong for being sensitive because that is who you are. However, does it REALLY matter who called him? And was the conversation the 2 of you having really THAT important that he couldn't/shouldn't take the other call? And if you're THAT curious, just ask! Cause if you never ask you'll never receive!

    However, unless you have a "gut" feeling that something else is going on then you need to bring it out to the open that you're "sensing" something or else it'll just eat at you then you blow up over something lame and he'll look at you like "WTF!?!?" Then you're both ass'd out!
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    Jul 16, 2008 2:48 PM GMT
    It really is rude to make your first caller wait while you take a second call - unless it is an emergency or something very special you've been waiting for - and in that case you apologize to the first caller and briefly explain the situation - offering to call the first caller back if he can't wait around for you to take the second call.

    Taking a second call is rude because it implies to the first caller that his call is not as important as the second caller. I only have one person in my whole life who pulls this shit on me every couple of weeks when I call her - and it's my own mom! Jeez!
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    Jul 16, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    Sorry - that is just rude manners. If I am on the phone with someone, I am only talking to them - and then will return other calls after I am finished. It makes the assumption that there are more important people than the person to whom he is speaking with.

    I would call him on it... (oohh bad pun..) icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Timbales

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    Jul 16, 2008 3:55 PM GMT
    I remember when back when there was a different kind of call waiting - a busy signal.
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    Jul 16, 2008 4:19 PM GMT
    http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

    "Suit on cell: No, I told you to sell, sell, sell! This is important! Listen to me! Wait! Hold on, I have someone important on the other line. (takes out some chapstick, takes his time to smear his lips with it, then gets back to phone) So, where was I..?"
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    Jul 16, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    My BF always tells me who is calling before he cuts away from me. It's just courtesy; I can also decide if I need to hang up and have him call me back later.

    It's possible your talks are, you know, unproductive banter--which is all right between boyfriends, by the way--and he needs a talkie break to blow his nose or something. Whatever.

    But try an experiment for awhile. Anytime he calls, "take another call" in mid-stream and follow his M.O. Come back and say, What were we talking about?
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    Jul 16, 2008 4:54 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREhes had problems with prior bf's being controling. We have had our issues of these situations and he says he shouldn't have to tell me where he goes, what he does all day, or who he talks to. He feels we should trust each other and not have to "report" to each other.


    Open and honest communication, in my opinion, is key to any successful relationship, friendship and progressing in the world. It sounds as if the both of you need to revisit this topic and what you would like to see of this in your relationship. Expecting a minute by minute detail of time spent away from each other is insecure. On the opposite end of the spectrum, your partner referring to communication with you as "reporting" and feeling that it is not necessary to communicate anything about his day or time spent away from you, etc. is odd and insensitive to you and the relationship.
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    Jul 16, 2008 4:59 PM GMT
    annoying, yes: rude, perhaps: oversensitive, absolutely: need to sit down and really have a heart to heart because it really bothers you and that's evident by that mere fact that you posted this question, essential to open communications.

    I think you make a valid point about something that bothers you and you need to resolve it and he needs to be sensitive to your feelings about it (not that he needs to cave to your feelings). He could, knowing it bothers you, advise you that "so and so is calling, hang on one sec, let me see what he/she wants" or decide to let calls go to voice mail (my choice) and just continue knowing that a thorn can fester and it bugs the hell out of you and will probably eventually lead to other frustrations in the relationship. My 2 cents only.
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    Jul 16, 2008 5:16 PM GMT
    You feel one way and he feels another about disclosing callers. He doesn't feel it necessary for you to tell him and so he doesn't tell you; for you it's courtesy, for him it's a waste of time.

    While your feelings aren't 'wrong', they will likely be perceived as overly sensitive.

    You'll have to either accept the fact that he doesn't tell you because he feels it is unnecessary (not because he is hiding anything), or run the risk of being viewed as oversensitive/untrusting/suspicious when you bring up this issue that is a nonissue for him.
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    Jul 16, 2008 5:44 PM GMT
    if it bothers u, then ask him. he may not offer the answer but u surely can ask for one. he might tell the truth, he might not, but it is better that u let him know ud like to know, better taht u express urself and needs rather than going crazy and not saying anything because it is eating u up, not him. at least this way u can say u spoke up for urself and put out ur needs on the table.
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    Jul 16, 2008 6:02 PM GMT
    I should add that having a phone (cell, ground line, whatever) is a privilege and not a right. If someone needs to reach me when I'm speaking to someone at the time, they have two options, leave a message or call back.
    People think that you have to be accessible all of the time.

    Semi-funny related personal story. I was angry at someone I was dating for calling me names and accusing me falsely during a phone conversation. I said that if he didn't stop, I'd hang up on him, which, of course happened. The next call I received a minute later was from a friend who I had spoken with in over two months who now lived a considerable distance away. During that phone conversation, the guy called back 102 times. leaving nasty, cruel, and childish messages the first 6 or seven times until my voice mail was full and wouldn't take anymore. The funny thing is in all of his steady stream of caustic comments and bile were statements of "Why won't you answer? Why won't you talk to me?"

    So there are other reasons to not answer the incoming call too.