Is it okay to just quit looking for "the one?"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    Is this a healthy or unhealthy mindset?

    I'm about to turn 27. I have only ever had one amazing match (spend the rest of my life with him kind of feeling) and he shot down a relationship on the first date and we are now just "friends." Everyone else I have ever met is just not my type physically or too forward sexually or not one of those lifelong matches where I would consider him responsible enough to even take care of my goldfish.

    I have an amazing/fulfilling job now but unfortunately it requires working late every night and nearly every weekend as well. It is also an incredibly conservative atmosphere so I had to go back in the closet, switch gender pronouns, pretend I give a fuck about football etc. if I want to keep rising through the ranks. So I can't meet anyone through work and that is about the only thing I do now that 14 hour work days are common, not an exception, and except for Friday nights if I get out early enough I don't have the energy to even get to the gym any more.

    I don't think I have the time for a relationship even if I happen to bump into Mr. Perfect. I can't sit there and text cute things back and forth. I can't drop what I am doing and surprise him with a cupcake during his lunch break or in between his classes. I deleted my POF profile, am about to delete OkCupid, and I gave up on Grindr/A4A a while ago.

    Has anyone else been through the same thing where they just entirely gave up looking for a while? How did it turn out?
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    Apr 14, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    There's a difference between giving up and taking a break to work on yourself. I've done both.

    You're still on the young side. You found someone you really cared about once. There's no reason you can't find someone else even better. I don't have any advice to give on where to look, but I still believe there are good guys out there. It may not seem like it sometimes, but they do exist.

    Stay positive. Take a break if you need to, but don't give up on love.
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    Apr 14, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidI don't believe in "the one." People are too dynamic to only be interested in this one person.


    You might not think there is "the one" for you but you must have a certain checklist you run guys through to make sure you like the same kind of music, videogames, stuff like that. My "the one" (a) likes the same weirdo crap I do, just like in 500 Days of Summer, (b) is not promiscuous, and (c) is responsible enough to rely on for a ride to the airport or to keep my fish alive when I am out of town on business icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 14, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    You are the only "one" you need.
    Focus on you, your family, career, health, and get a puppy if you don't already have one. They're dude-magnets, and the best cuddle buddies to have.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Apr 14, 2012 9:01 PM GMT
    I think it's perfectly natural to pull back from dating and focus on yourself for a while. I'm just a bit concerned about the atmosphere you find yourself in "14 hours a day". I understand the job market in the US is tough and I haven't looked at your profile to see what it is you do, but I'm just thinking about you suppressing who you really are and how unhealthy that could be over the long run. I hope you'll find ways (and time) to do things you like to do for yourself (besides work). And if we here on RJ a're your only outlet for a time, then I hope we can at least be a good sounding board.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:05 PM GMT

    OP- I am sure I have read elswhere on here that you're an academic in social sciences/humanities which are hardly the most biggotted fields to be in.


    August- Why get a puppy when you can rescue a dog that needs a home?
    Personally I would be far more impressed with that than some designer lap dog.

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    Apr 14, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidIs this a healthy or unhealthy mindset?

    I'm about to turn 27. I have only ever had one amazing match (spend the rest of my life with him kind of feeling) and he shot down a relationship on the first date and we are now just "friends." Everyone else I have ever met is just not my type physically or too forward sexually or not one of those lifelong matches where I would consider him responsible enough to even take care of my goldfish.

    I have an amazing/fulfilling job now but unfortunately it requires working late every night and nearly every weekend as well. It is also an incredibly conservative atmosphere so I had to go back in the closet, switch gender pronouns, pretend I give a fuck about football etc. if I want to keep rising through the ranks. So I can't meet anyone through work and that is about the only thing I do now that 14 hour work days are common, not an exception, and except for Friday nights if I get out early enough I don't have the energy to even get to the gym any more.

    I don't think I have the time for a relationship even if I happen to bump into Mr. Perfect. I can't sit there and text cute things back and forth. I can't drop what I am doing and surprise him with a cupcake during his lunch break or in between his classes. I deleted my POF profile, am about to delete OkCupid, and I gave up on Grindr/A4A a while ago.

    Has anyone else been through the same thing where they just entirely gave up looking for a while? How did it turn out?


    You sound miserable...Why deal with a job that you can't express who you truly are, just to "climb the ranks" so to speak?

    The love thing...I'm giving up too and just having fun and whatever happens happens. But that job sounds like a waste of spirit. You don't sound happy...
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    I don't think that it's wrong to say that you aren't "looking" for the one...


    However, I think it's a total bull-shit cop out to say you don't have the time for someone, or to send a text message. When someone is important to you, it doesn't take that much time to send a "Hey you, I'm super busy with work but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope you're having a good day" text...it just doesn't.

    It's not about endless texting or showing up out of the blue to bring someone a cupcake. It's about letting them know that they are a part of your life and daily thought process.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:21 PM GMT
    Augustine92 saidYou are the only "one" you need.
    Focus on you, your family, career, health, and get a puppy if you don't already have one. They're dude-magnets, and the best cuddle buddies to have.


    I rescued an adorable dog a few years ago. He is my best friend and I spoil him.

    tanlejos said
    OP- I am sure I have read elswhere on here that you're an academic in social sciences/humanities which are hardly the most biggotted fields to be in.


    August- Why get a puppy when you can rescue a dog that needs a home?
    Personally I would be far more impressed with that than some designer lap dog.



    I left the Ph.D program I was in since I finally found a way to earn money with my first doctoral degree. With the exception of conversations in private messages, I like to keep exactly what I do off of this profile/site/forum - especially now when I am getting rid of my facebook and other things.

    The job market is really bad and there are literally hundreds of people with similar (or better) credentials than me that would take my job for half of what I get paid - so I am just happy to have a job with benefits that allows me to pay rent and start saving up so I can move out of the intersection of Stab Whitey and Mug Whitey Lane and into a house with a yard for my dog.

    I'm not sure how I sound miserable. In my initial post I wrote "I have an amazing/fulfilling job now ... " not something along the lines of "FML this job will be the death of me!!!"
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 14, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    I think that one needs to find the balance between Mr. Perfect and Mr. Workable. It's not about settling, but compromise.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:25 PM GMT

    I'm not sure how I sound miserable. In my initial post I wrote "I have an amazing/fulfilling job now ... " not something along the lines of "FML this job will be the death of me!!!" [/quote]

    Remember this:

    "...but unfortunately it requires working late every night and nearly every weekend as well.

    It is also an incredibly conservative atmosphere so I had to go back in the closet, switch gender pronouns, pretend I give a fuck about football etc. if I want to keep rising through the ranks.

    So I can't meet anyone through work and that is about the only thing I do now that 14 hour work days are common, not an exception, and except for Friday nights if I get out early enough I don't have the energy to even get to the gym any more.

    I don't think I have the time for a relationship even if I happen to bump into Mr. Perfect. I can't sit there and text cute things back and forth. I can't drop what I am doing and surprise him with a cupcake during his lunch break or in between his classes. I deleted my POF profile, am about to delete OkCupid, and I gave up on Grindr/A4A a while ago."

    Sounds pretty depressing if you ask me...

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    Apr 14, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    Trollileo saidI don't believe in "the one." People are too dynamic to only be interested in this one person.

    Sweetie, at my age even one would be a minor miracle.

    Then behold the guy who had 2 miracles at your age. My first partner at 53, and when he died, my current at 58.

    Yah know, age has very little to do with it. Attitude does. If you really want it, get your ass in gear. You are sharp, not bad looking, you could have lots of guys if you wanted. And you live right next to Gay Central.

    So please, no pity party, OK? The only thing holding you back is yourself. You know I'm right, I know you do.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:29 PM GMT
    Augustine92 saidYou are the only "one" you need.
    Focus on you, your family, career, health, and get a puppy if you don't already have one. They're dude-magnets, and the best cuddle buddies to have.


    read up to this post and felt like you took the words out of my mouth. dont try to find "the one" just keep doing you and it will just happen. im 28 and haven't found "a one" yet so be patient, be virtuous, and be yourself.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:30 PM GMT
    that's a good question... not sure you should just give up on finding someone but rather just focus on yourself yet remain receptive and aware of the guys you meet.

    I, on the other hand, have found someone incredible and worth sharing my life with... but he's not local. This stuff is usually more complicated than hollywood would have us believe... which is pretty unfortunate

    That being said, if you're serious about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, make sure you remain open to guys outside your city. Relocating for love would probably be worth the risk if you ask me - especially if you're really set on being in a serious long term relationship.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    k3l3k0 saidthat's a good question... not sure you should just give up on finding someone but rather just focus on yourself yet remain receptive and aware of the guys you meet.

    I, on the other hand, have found someone incredible and worth sharing my life with... but he's not local. This stuff is usually more complicated than hollywood would have us believe... which is pretty unfortunate

    That being said, if you're serious about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, make sure you remain open to guys outside your city. Relocating for love would probably be worth the risk if you ask me - especially if you're really set on being in a serious long term relationship.


    Through RJ I met a remarkable friend who lives in Singapore. And I meet people from all over the world on tumblr. Most of my close tumblr friends that are in relationships live states away from their partner. And they make it work however they do. I would be fine with a long distance relationship - I would rather the right person on the wrong side of the planet, than the wrong person that lives next door.

    Good luck with your long distance relationship icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    I've completely given up and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Guys I'm physically attracted to always turn out to be douche bags and the good guys I meet I don't have any physical attraction to. So, I've realized that I will just have really good friends and casual sex. I've come to realize that, for me at least, finding a good friendship and sexual attraction in one person just isn't going to happen. I've made peace with that and giving up on trying to find it has been very liberating. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. For me, that was looking for a guy I'm sexually attracted to that has a good heart.
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    Apr 14, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster said
    k3l3k0 saidthat's a good question... not sure you should just give up on finding someone but rather just focus on yourself yet remain receptive and aware of the guys you meet.

    I, on the other hand, have found someone incredible and worth sharing my life with... but he's not local. This stuff is usually more complicated than hollywood would have us believe... which is pretty unfortunate

    That being said, if you're serious about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, make sure you remain open to guys outside your city. Relocating for love would probably be worth the risk if you ask me - especially if you're really set on being in a serious long term relationship.


    Through RJ I met a remarkable friend who lives in Singapore. And I meet people from all over the world on tumblr. Most of my close tumblr friends that are in relationships live states away from their partner. And they make it work however they do. I would be fine with a long distance relationship - I would rather the right person on the wrong side of the planet, than the wrong person that lives next door.

    Good luck with your long distance relationship icon_smile.gif


    oh wow Singapore is definitely not close haha and I'm not in a long distance relationship - I wouldn't do something like that. Just saying I did meet someone amazing but can't be with him... not now anyways. Will see what happens in the future though icon_smile.gif

    Hope you find someone eventually, man. I'm sure you will.
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    miamimasseur saidI've completely given up and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Guys I'm physically attracted to always turn out to be douche bags and the good guys I meet I don't have any physical attraction to. So, I've realized that I will just have really good friends and casual sex. I've come to realize that, for me at least, finding a good friendship and sexual attraction in one person just isn't going to happen. I've made peace with that and giving up on trying to find it has been very liberating. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. For me, that was looking for a guy I'm sexually attracted to that has a good heart.


    I just can't do casual sex. I'm not sure if it is because I am that uncomfortable with my body, entirely scared by the thought of HIV, or the complete lack of feelings that go into it.

    I haven't even made out with anyone since November. If I tried looking for that, and just that, on Grindr I think I would get blocked since no guy on Grindr would be willing to stop there. But even with that, the way most Europeans say hello to each other, I feel bad the one time I drunkenly did it at a gay bar with a complete stranger who was way too uninteresting for me to ever want to see again icon_neutral.gif
  • rebelbeard

    Posts: 558

    Apr 14, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    Yes. Stop looking for the one. Things are going to work out for you, all of you, the way they are supposed to. Just concentrate on doing your best in life and being a good person.

    Let the rest fall into place.
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:13 PM GMT
    The One is a Hollywood myth we're force fed since infancy. Humans have the capacity to create lasting relationship bonds of varying degrees with a myriad of compatible people. What we can't do is force those relationships to develop. They are seeds. Many will germinate in the unlikeliest of places on their own, but you can't force or hurry them just because you will it.
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Apr 14, 2012 10:16 PM GMT
    Usually when you stop looking so hard is when you end up actually finding someone. There's a saying, "You Don't Find Love, Love Finds You"
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    RedondoSurfer saidTo the guy who started this post: sounds to me it's less about finding the one and more about that you feel trapped/confined in your current life. To be honest, although you say that you work in a conservative workplace, your entire work most likely knows what you are already. By being dishonest, not only are you making yourself a source of gossip in the workplace, but your workplace probably thinks you're dishonest because of that. You will be a lot happier (and most likely more successful) if you come out. You are feeling the urge to find 'the one' because you are working all the time with no source of release personally- whether it is speaking about potential dates, getting true advice from friends/co-workers and being comfortable.

    I once felt like I was in your position but to be honest- the moment I came out, not only was I accepted but I realized there are sooo many laws in place across the country that protect you in the workplace.

    The only way you will find the one is someone that can be incorporated into your life- both professionally, family wise and personally. No one finds the one without being completely who you are and an open book. The moment you try to please everyone is when you get no one- wish you the best bud and I used to feel your pain. It gets sooo much better!


    I think you grossly overestimate the protections afforded to GLBTQ people in the workplace. And how bad the job market is that if you rock the boat, you get tossed out for a legitimate-enough-looking reason you will never recover anything beyond a nuisance settlement even if you avoid summary judgment in the case you are not governed by an arbitration clause you try, and will not successfully, bust in trial court first.

    When I came out at 19 it was not a big gay party on a papier-mâché penis float through San Francisco. My family quit speaking to me and I only had a small cohort of frat brothers that had my back around campus.

    As for the other part, I think you believe I call a lot more attention to myself than I do. I keep to myself for the most part and my mannerisms are more type B teenage pothead than they are histrionically gay.
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    HighOctane saidYes. Stop looking for the one. Things are going to work out for you, all of you, the way they are supposed to. Just concentrate on doing your best in life and being a good person.

    Let the rest fall into place.


    You mean live your life and make the most of each day and enjoy all of the people you meet while remaining open to experiencing a fulfilling relationship not to mention the endless possibilities that life and the world has to offer without sabatoging every moment by obsessing over "THE ONE" - a concept more suited to (and mostly rooted in) children's fairy tales and fables that are designed to illustrate basic concepts to those who have absolutely no life experience ?!?!!?!?!?!??!

    I don't get it.

    Where is the self-fulfilling prophecy of disappointment and doom?

    Where is the fun in THAT???????

    icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:19 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidUsually when you stop looking so hard is when you end up actually finding someone. There's a saying, "You Don't Find Love, Love Finds You"


    I like that saying. It also reinforces that when you quit wasting time on dating sites and spend that time on your career/education etc. (things that make you worthy of being someone's perfect mate) that is when you become most desirable to a random stranger that crosses your path.
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    Apr 14, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    Cash said

    You mean live your life and make the most of each day and enjoy all of the people you meet while remaining open to experiencing a fulfilling relationship not to mention the endless possibilities that life and the world has to offer without sabatoging every moment by obsessing over "THE ONE" -


    Cash I've warned you about your offensively logical language - we don't take kindly to sort of filth around here. I've reported you AGAIN to the admin and strongly suggest you try to redeem yourself by offering helpful advice on how to bang hot white guys who aren't into you.