Cheating habit tearing me apart...

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    Apr 17, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    I fucked up previously during my current relationship, and to this day I wish so bad that I could take what I have done back...but I cant. I admit, Ive cheated in past relationships but the men before were NOTHING like how I feel for whom I am with now. I know, I know, I know...there are no excuses...once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. But this time is the last straw...i beat myself up every day wondering when my karma will turn around to bite me in the ass. I guess the question is...will I ever get his trust back? I dont want to lose himicon_cry.gif I feel like all of my effort is going towards making him trust me again...im not looking to get bashed on, we all make mistakes...is just that this time, I actually hurt for what I have done. Just looking for some remedies to assist through the process of not only him forgiving me, but me fogiving myself.
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    Apr 17, 2012 4:21 PM GMT

    "I guess the question is...will I ever get his trust back?"

    Have you asked him? If so, what did he say?

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    Apr 17, 2012 5:08 PM GMT
    He said that "it will take time to get over it, but you are forgiven"...i know that he still has feelings for me, or else I would have been kicked to the curb. I gave him the opportunity to fuck around himself, but he said he couldnt do it. I guess I am letting what I read in previous forums about trust get to me.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Apr 17, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    We all make mistakes.

    Don't beat yourself up - but learn from this.

    We all get offers occasionally to hook-up and it's only human to be tempted. However, if you're in a relationship and love that person, then you should be man enough to say no.

    There are no easy ways to get trust back. Only time and your subsequent behaviour can do that.

    Remember that if you really do love this guy, then you need to keep your dick in your pants and show him some loyalty.

    It's all up to you to prove yourself worth his effort.

    Loz
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    Apr 17, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    happytoms saidHe said that "it will take time to get over it, but you are forgiven"...i know that he still has feelings for me, or else I would have been kicked to the curb. I gave him the opportunity to fuck around himself, but he said he couldnt do it. I guess I am letting what I read in previous forums about trust get to me.

    You are a very lucky man to have found someone that has forgiven you.

    -Doug
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 17, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    He will always resent u for what you've done, even if he's forgiven you.

    Trust and believe, from now on.....any arguement u 2 get in will ultimately go back to the "u cheated on me" line...


    cut ur losses. Stop cheating on ur bfs. To be honest, I kind of hope ur bf leaves you because that's what u deserve.

    Not trying to sound like a dick, but you're a chronic cheater, no? You will cheat again, if the opportunity presents itself. Just being realistic.
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    If you're not so good a monogamy, how about trying something that might work better for you? Then you wouldn't have to blame yourself because it wouldn't be "cheating."
  • What_May

    Posts: 20

    Apr 17, 2012 8:21 PM GMT
    Import saidHe will always resent u for what you've done, even if he's forgiven you.

    Trust and believe, from now on.....any arguement u 2 get in will ultimately go back to the "u cheated on me" line...


    cut ur losses. Stop cheating on ur bfs. To be honest, I kind of hope ur bf leaves you because that's what u deserve.

    Not trying to sound like a dick, but you're a chronic cheater, no? You will cheat again, if the opportunity presents itself. Just being realistic.




    ^^^ this
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    You describe yourself as a chronic cheater but say that this is the first time that you actually hurt for what you've done....it sounds like you have some serious issues.

    You may want to take some time off from dating and figure out your shit. Do you really think you're in a place where you can be a good boyfriend/partner? Would you date someone who described himself the way you've described yourself?
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:28 PM GMT
    Happy Tom'sbut the men before were NOTHING like how I feel for whom I am with now


    You gotta learn to focus on your own plate man...

    Maybe the guy you are dating isn't quite everything you want him to be. You further say the guys in the past were nothing which further proves that point you're probably subconsciously settling. You're still kinda young (can't believe I'm saying that LOL), I don't think 'we' know exactly what kind of guy we want, we just play the field.

    However, as we get closer to knowing exactly what we want, rather than settling, perhaps we won't be lead to temptation.

    I tend to always have guys hitting on me who already have BFs. It's very hurtful to me because I find these things out later. You say forgive yourself and him forgive you...but maybe you should start by being honest and upfront with the guys you cheated on him with.

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    Apr 17, 2012 8:29 PM GMT
    You remind me of one of my siblings. A good person amongst friends, family and his work place; but faltered in relationships. I can tell you that you need to learn to Trust Your Self first. Trust that you won't make these mistakes again, and earn your own Trust in the process. If you give yourself too many allowances on small behaviors, you'll never learn to control your big ones. The cheating will hurt you as much as it hurts the guy you're cheating on. Don't think too much on getting him back either. What's best to do is accept you're wrong in this situation. You may not ever get him back, but you can teach yourself not to do this again... I hope.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:29 PM GMT
    showme saidIf you're not so good a monogamy, how about trying something that might work better for you? Then you wouldn't have to blame yourself because it wouldn't be "cheating."



    ^THIS

    Know thy self.
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:30 PM GMT
    What_May said
    Import saidHe will always resent u for what you've done, even if he's forgiven you.

    Trust and believe, from now on.....any arguement u 2 get in will ultimately go back to the "u cheated on me" line...


    cut ur losses. Stop cheating on ur bfs. To be honest, I kind of hope ur bf leaves you because that's what u deserve.

    Not trying to sound like a dick, but you're a chronic cheater, no? You will cheat again, if the opportunity presents itself. Just being realistic.




    ^^^ this
    If all else fails, there is always the truth^^^
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    I hope things work out between you two. I've cheated one time in a past relationship. It sucked... I was so sexually frustrated with my partner that when the opportunity came I just.. let it happen. It never was completely forgotten by my partner. Eventually the relationship ended... tho it was for different reasons, I still feel like that played a hand in how things turned out. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't.

    Maybe as a gag gift, get yourself a chastity belt and give him the key. lol The only thing that turns attention away from the sad and ugly, is the whimsical, and the funny. At some point you're going to have to create good memories. Something like that could be a funny way to turn this shitty event into something that can be laughed about. He already seems willing to go in that direction.

    If not... a shit load of flowers and poems and other sappy junk. The important part is that he sees you making a real effort to be good to him.
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    I hate to say it but it sounds like you are upset that you got caught, not that you betrayed your partners' trust...

    I wouldn't consider myself an advocate of open relationships, but it definitely sounds like monogamy isn't for you.
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    Apr 17, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    If you cant help cheating then you need to look for an open relationship. Make sure that the other person is of the same mindset upfront.

    While cheating might be a big thrill for some, it only comes at the expense of deliberately hurting the other person. Once trust is broken it is very unlikely that things will go back to the way they were.
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    Apr 17, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    I had a boyfriend like you that cheated, and I forgave him. It hurt a lot but he promised that it was a lapse in judgement, that he never felt so disgusted with himself, and that he still loved me and wanted to do everything he could to get my trust and our relationship back. I never held a grudge or used the past against him, (that is dirty pool in my book). It hurt but with time I forgot about it and had forgiven him.

    Turned out I was a bit too forgiving, because (as i later found out) the same time we was 'working hard to get my trust back' he was also on gayromeo flirting and meeting up with other guys.

    Your boyfriend can forgive you, but you winning his trust back and him forgiving you is not going to fix the issue.

    You are asking the wrong question if you're asking "how do I get him to trust me", you should be asking "how do I stop cheating", and you will probably have to do more than say "never again" because as soon as you forgive yourself for what you have done, you will probably fall back into your old habits.
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    Apr 17, 2012 9:45 PM GMT
    Wait, you cheated in your past relationships, and now you have cheated in your current relationship and you are wondering when Karma will come bite you in the ass?
    Why not just stop fucking other dudes?
    This is the reason that a lot of people have cheating as a dealbreaker, because it shows a lack of character and also an inability to control your own impulses. In the gay world you can get on Grindr in almost any city and if you are halfway decent looking you can hook up in 1/2 an hour, if that.
    So what? Anyone can hook up.
    I am not your BF, but if I were, I'd be that Karma you'd be waiting to kick your ass, except I'd just be kicking your ass to the curb. You said it yourself, once a cheater, always a cheater, until YOU decide you don't like the curb so much.
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    Apr 17, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidWait, you cheated in your past relationships, and now you have cheated in your current relationship and you are wondering when Karma will come bite you in the ass?
    Why not just stop fucking other dudes?
    This is the reason that a lot of people have cheating as a dealbreaker, because it shows a lack of character and also an inability to control your own impulses. In the gay world you can get on Grindr in almost any city and if you are halfway decent looking you can hook up in 1/2 an hour, if that.
    So what? Anyone can hook up.
    I am not your BF, but if I were, I'd be that Karma you'd be waiting to kick your ass, except I'd just be kicking your ass to the curb. You said it yourself, once a cheater, always a cheater, until YOU decide you don't like the curb so much.

    Totally agree! And I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I have been cheated on before and you REALLY should think about what this is going to do to HIM on down the road. Like I have no trust for any guy at all...and that destroys everything I touch (which is my own problem) but it is really hard to shake.
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    Apr 17, 2012 9:56 PM GMT
    I don't think "once a cheater always a cheater".
    You have the power to be who you want to be, YOU decide the content of your character. If you falter, it's all your fault... not some enigmatic concept of self.
    You have to decide who you want to be and need to move towards being that person.

    As far as your relationship. If you love him and want it to work, you better bend over backwards and then some to prove to your boyfriend that he will never regret taking you back. And trust me... it will come up again, don't fuck up.

    And if you're lucky, in the years to come when you're aggravated because you feel like he is not appreciating your penance... remember you made this bed and if you are half as committed to him as he apparently is to you, *suck it up*, this is the cross you chose to bear.
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    Apr 17, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    7Famark saidI hate to say it but it sounds like you are upset that you got caught, not that you betrayed your partners' trust...

    I wouldn't consider myself an advocate of open relationships, but it definitely sounds like monogamy isn't for you.
    Not to be a dick or a basher but I kinda got the same feeling. Didn't really sense that the OP really has considered things from the partner's side.

    You cheated on your BF, brought all this pain into his life ... and you're wondering when karma is going to bite you in the ass. Really?

    Maybe I'm reading it wrong or jumping to conclusions. Stop worrying about karma and start worrying about being honest with the one who loves you.
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    Apr 17, 2012 10:01 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidI hope for the best for you.
    But in my experience, forgiveness doesn't mean that things can go back the way they were. Some things mend without really healing.

    It doesn't give me pleasure to say this.

    I agree, because forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. The OP's gotta be on his ultra-best behavior for some time before his BF may be ready to forget, as well as to forgive.

    The OP writes: "I feel like all of my effort is going towards making him trust me again"

    And so it should! And maybe at some point he should be writing: "Because I love him so much, and could not bear to be without him."

    When you can say that and mean it, cheating stops being an option. You have everything you want, and would do nothing to endanger it. Cheating is no longer a temptation, but becomes a threat, that will ruin all you have. Not to mention: break his heart. And if you truly love him, you could never do that to him, could you?
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    Apr 17, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    smartmoney said In the gay world you can get on Grindr in almost any city and if you are halfway decent looking you can hook up in 1/2 an hour, if that.


    See, that's why #1 I stopped going home AND having sex with dudes from clubs. #2 I don't hookup. I'll go home with a guy or have him come home with me...but no sex. If they don't like it, they can or I can walk right out the door.

    99% of the people who hookup online or go home from the bars has BFs or someone in the picture. I rather them never call me again because we didn't hookup than to stop calling me because we did hookup. Either way, if they have someone in the picture it won't matter.
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    Apr 17, 2012 11:26 PM GMT
    Import saidHe will always resent u for what you've done, even if he's forgiven you.

    Trust and believe, from now on.....any arguement u 2 get in will ultimately go back to the "u cheated on me" line...


    cut ur losses. Stop cheating on ur bfs. To be honest, I kind of hope ur bf leaves you because that's what u deserve.

    Not trying to sound like a dick, but you're a chronic cheater, no? You will cheat again, if the opportunity presents itself. Just being realistic.


    I agree. And this is what ultimately broke me and my last bf up. I could not forgive his constant cheating and threw it back in his face every argument we got in. If you truly love him then you will respect his wishes to keep your dick in your pants.
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    Apr 17, 2012 11:30 PM GMT
    Oops. I should have come back here sooner.

    happytoms, if I may ask, knowing your own track history of cheating, have you considered why you keep getting involved in monogamous relationships?

    Have you ever been in an open relationship?

    lol, me and my questions.

    -Doug