How do you deal...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    I don't know if any of you have ever done this before, but I hope I'm not the only one. One of my friends that I've known since I was 5.. we got in a huge fight 2 months ago, and the last thing I said to her was that I hated her and never wanted to see her again. Well, I just got a call earlier this week from her mom, she got killed in a wreck.. some drunk driver hit her head on. I didn't know what to say, or how to feel. I wish I could go back and tell her that I didn't mean what I said. It makes me feel like such a horrible person.. I mean we got in a fight over something so stupid, and how could I let that come between us.. how can something so small, put a wedge in a 18 year frienship. I know it's not my fault.. but maybe if I hadn't of said that, if we didn't get in that fight, just what if we were still friends, we would have been together and she wouldn't have been in that accident. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do. I just wish it had been me instead of her. She was such a better person than I am.. she had everything going for her, and now it's all gone. She's gone. I'll never get to tell her sorry for saying the hateful things to her, tell her that I loved her like my own sister. It's just fucked up, and I don't know how to deal with it. Have any of you had something like this happen? How did you deal with it? Or is it something I will struggle with for a while.
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    Jul 17, 2008 12:53 AM GMT
    Damn, man! ...that sucks ... icon_eek.gif

    Remember that she was half of that fight too. And I bet now she wishes she could make up too.
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    Jul 17, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    Dude, that really really sucks. I'm sorry. Can eighteen years of friendship really be ruined by a single 'I hate you' fight? Probably not...if it's any consolation at all, she probably didn't seriously believe you hated her. Given time, the two of you would have patched it up. Mourn her loss, but don't beat yourself up over words you didn't mean. After that long, I'm sure she knew you well enough to know when to believe what you say.

    Damn, man. Hugs to ya.
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    Jul 17, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    Aw - that's shitty, lilman. Losing someone important is always really hard, w/ lots of regrets for what we could've said or done differently. A totally normal reaction.

    So you regret what you said, and you can feel sad about the loss. But they're not connected in terms of her "fate". If your friend decided to put on different shoes that day, she might have avoided the crash... Who knows? So you don't need to feel responsible somehow for how the car accident happened.

    But we can't always protect people from chaotic events. People have fights, and often say things they don't always mean. And after someone's death, it puts into perspective the meaning of the relationship we had with them. It sounds like, overall, 18 years of friendship totally outweigh a fight that more than likely would have been reconciled. And trust that when you got mad at her, you were allowed to get mad, and maybe needed a break for a while. And it was ok to experience that. Imagine apologizing to her and what she might say to you. Do you think, after 18 years of a friendship, she would accept your apology? I would think so. No doubt, she knew all along that you really did appreciate her.

    The mourning process always takes a while, as long as we need. Just know you did the best and most honest that you could in every moment. And consider writing a letter of apology to her, and maybe tear it up, or burn it, or some other ritual that contains a communication to her. Write down some memories of her and things you did together. Ultimately, you know you both cared for each other, and would've protected her if you could. And you carry part of her story that you can share w/ others in your life.

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    Jul 17, 2008 2:31 AM GMT
    it is a tragic thing. But do you think if she were alive she would refuse your apology? I have had some bad arguments with friends and there is always redemption because we really were friends.

    SO, what I am telling you is that you can tell her you are sorry, and you can tell her how you feel. You can do it somewhere private, or you can even go to her grave if you know where it is and do this. If you really mean it, that is all that matters. If you can forgive others, then you can forgive yourself. We all say things we regret, but we all learn and our hearts change.

    I have had friends that did horrible things to me. What I always tell them is that an apology is not really necessary if they have wronged me. A changed heart is what matters, because it is in your heart that friendship exists, not in a moment of anger.
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    Jul 17, 2008 2:39 AM GMT
    Thanks for the kind words guys. It will take some time for me to get over it, but it always takes time when someone close to you dies. I'm going to her grave site tomorrow... guess I'll have to do my goodbyes there. icon_sad.gif
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    Jul 17, 2008 2:44 AM GMT
    well in another way, instead of think of taking your words back and dwelling on the past, think about the future and how you can learn from this experience when you are dealing with a future argument with a loved one or friend. We humans learn from out mistakes, we never learn from doing things always right. Yeah mistakes can hurt and it takes time to heal, but we are all the better in the end. You will be better in the end too. Sorry for the loss.

    The title of your profile says to be the change you want to be, you now have the opportunity to be that change in all of your current relationships.
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    Jul 17, 2008 2:52 AM GMT
    sorry to hear about ur friend bud. believe me when i say tho that she knew how much u cared and loved her. even if u all were mad at eachother, the only reason u were able to get that mad is because of the love that was there between u two. u dont get that mad with someone who u dont care about.

    i also cant agree more with cleancut. use this as a lesson. moving forward in life, just remember how u feel now and try never to do it again.

    also, i am a firm believer in the message Final Destination delivers, when its ur time, its ur time. whether u were together or not, friends or not, she most likely still would have passed. just keep ur head up. get out ur tears and goodbyes. but dont stall. live life, thats how u deal, that is what she would have wanted.
  • GQjock

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    Jul 17, 2008 2:54 AM GMT
    That IS a tuff one my man icon_confused.gif
    What I would do is write her a letter
    actually sit down with pen and paper
    and tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent together and how much that you're going to miss her being in your life
    and if you're going to her grave
    place the letter there for her
    she'll hear you if you mean it
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    Jul 17, 2008 5:34 AM GMT
    I think when someone we love passes on, we can still have them with us anytime we want - just by thinking about them and letting them come into our heads while we go about our way down here on Earth. Whenever you want to have her with you, just call her name - silently, in your head. She'll come down and comfort you. Tell her at that time how you feel - that you're sorry for your portion of the misunderstanding. She'll understand totally - now that she's up in Heaven - all things are clear - she is all-knowing. I hope this helps you!
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    Jul 17, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    That's really sad and after all those years of friendship but it was only a Row or Tiff so those years were not wasted of love.Yes tomorrow say your goodbyes and remember to say sorry about the argument and my condolences to you and her family.
  • TallSoCal

    Posts: 321

    Jul 17, 2008 12:31 PM GMT
    Wow...I'm deeply sorry. I know she knows you didn't mean it. People say things to hurt other people in the heat of the moment, but when it comes down to it, words like that can't damage a friendship; especially one of 18 years. It's good that you know it's not your fault. You shouldn't blame yourself. That's one of the worst things you can do because it'll just eat at you. It'll be hard, but it'll pass. Keep your head up, and be strong.
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    Jul 17, 2008 12:44 PM GMT
    Lilman, I'm really sorry to hear that, and hope you get some comfort.

    If it's any help reading how someone else might look at it, I tend to take things from an "ok, what now" perspective. That is, this tragic thing happened, and you need to grieve, but when you're ready you need to look at what this means for the rest of your life. She may have had a special place in your life that no one else will ever take, but you have other friends, and will make other friends, that you will have fights with. I think the best thing you could do to remember her is to show everyone else just that little extra bit more love that you wish you had showed her. Be a little more forgiving, a little more willing to bend, and keep the big picture in mind.

    Keep her alive in the way you live your life from now on. That's what I try to do.

    Hugs, buddy.
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    Jul 17, 2008 1:12 PM GMT

    First, your not being her friend did not cause her to die in the accident. Even if you were still friends, it would not have been an exclusive friendship. Thus, she could have still been with those friends and killed.

    Secondly, I would recommend going to her grave and asking for forgiveness.

    Third, if the obituary recommends making donations to any charity in her name, I would do so.

    This will not totally resolve your feelings, but it will help.

    For you and the rest of us, let us examine others with whom we are estranged. Let us determine to end the estrangement. This could happen to anyone. If we are able to learn from this and grow, then Lilmaninsc sharing this with us will do some good.

    My condolences to you. If this bothers you this much, you are obviously an honest and sincere person. I would like to get to know as a friend you some day.
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    Jul 17, 2008 3:08 PM GMT
    My condolences.

    But really, nothing you can do will change anything.

    The son of one of our employees was a really good childhood friend. When I reached high school, I lost touch with him since we went to separate schools. Then just last year I saw him at my grandmother's funeral. I was too shy to approach him, after all these years, so I didn't talk to him much. Anyway, like 3 weeks later he died in a motorcycle accident. Though I didn't feel that much guilt because we were only estranged not mad at each other, I still felt the 'what ifs'.

    'If only I had known he's going to die I would have tried better to communicate'


    I think the thing to remember here is, no one is to blame. Mourn her loss, but don't blame yourself for something you never had control in the first place.

    GQJock's advice sounds very good. Write a letter. Pour everything you needed to talk to her if she were alive. That's a good way to release the emotions.
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    Jul 17, 2008 3:11 PM GMT
    OMG!!! My thoughts, prayers and MANY MANY hugs to you!! Seriously, the BEST thing is to just remember your friendship and the time you had and DO NOT dwell on the "argument"!!

    My sympathies man!! Hang in there!
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    Jul 17, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    So, I took you guy's advice.. wrote a letter. Will be leaving soon to go to her grave... it's hard.. but has to be done. Many thanks for the advice.