Death of a friend

  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Apr 20, 2012 4:08 AM GMT
    I'm not sure why I'm posting this here... I guess I just need a place to talk. My friend recently died from some heart complications following a surgery. He was only 32 years old, and we were supposed to hang out after he got back from a 4-month project in New York.

    When he was away, we'd catch up every Friday for an hour on the phone. I was so excited to see him, and now that he's gone, I feel so lost. I'm not religious or spiritual, so when people say that he's in heaven, it doesn't help. There was no reason for him to go so soon other than he was human.

    I miss and love him so much. Has anyone ever experienced something like this? I just need some advice. Thanks.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:30 AM GMT
    "I miss and love him so much."

    *sighs heavily, having lost some friends and relatives*

    C'mere.

    *hugs vlas*

    -Doug
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:31 AM GMT
    I understand how difficult it can be losing a friend like that, and I don't care if people are trying to help but if people told me "[recently passed friend] is in heaven now" I'd reply with "fuck you that shit's fucking whack god is a fucking fairy tale and don't you dare try and pull that fake shit on me."
    It offends me when people assume that their retarded beliefs are supposed to console other people.

    If you have a friend or two who you're close to I would spend some time talking to them so that you're not alone with your feelings.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    Everyone of us owes a death as the price for life. It's a tragedy when we pay it back too early.

    But still, your friend was old enough to have had happy times, and you need to hold those good times with you.

    Life is fragile, and therein lies it's beauty.

    He touched your life, and many other lives, and those lives are forever altered, even if minutely, by his presence. In that light, he altered the course of time, and his mark will remain for eternity.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:39 AM GMT
    ^ wow I don't think I could have come up with something any less helpful myself.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:43 AM GMT
    Anduru said^ wow I don't think I could have come up with something any less helpful myself.


    Well I don't think I could have offered any proper advice for him. Sorry, Vlas icon_sad.gif
  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Apr 20, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    Thank you, guys. The sadness is so painful, but it helps to just have someone listen.
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    Apr 20, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    Well you have a whole forum that will listen, and if you need someone feel free to PM me. Like Anduru said, find someone to confide into. It's amazing how something as simple as talking to another person can help. And if you can find a counselor too.
  • brazilian_tt

    Posts: 41

    Apr 20, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    Vlas saidThank you, guys. The sadness is so painful, but it helps to just have someone listen.


    I'm agnostic, so I won't say anything about heaven. You can keep his memory alive. For quite some time it will be painful to think about him, but you should still do it. Even when it makes you cry. It's part of the grieving process. Eventually a time will come when you can remember the good times you had and smile. I'm lucky I've only lost one person close to me in life thus far. I always do things that remind me of her. Listen to music she liked, remember funny moments, share stories about her with other people who also knew her...

    I can't believe I'm about to do this, but to quote a Coldplay song:

    "Those who are dead, are not dead, they're just living in my head" icon_wink.gif


    Just remember him always, and he will be with you, in a way...
  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Apr 20, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    brazilian_ttEventually a time will come when you can remember the good times you had and smile. I'm lucky I've only lost one person close to me in life thus far. I always do things that remind me of her. Listen to music she liked, remember funny moments, share stories about her with other people who also knew her...



    I hope so. I've been listening to his favorite songs all day. They make me cry, but are also a way for me to be with him in some small way.

    I get strange thoughts, I guess because death is strange. It was such a warm and beautiful day, and I felt guilty that I was alive to enjoy it when he was not. Sometimes I think about dying to be with him, even if it is just to be dust.

    What helps a bit is rebirth. Not in the literal sense, but I like to think that my love of his sincerity, kindness, and integrity will be reborn in me to help me become more of those things.

    I wish I told him how much I cared about him.

  • brazilian_tt

    Posts: 41

    Apr 20, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    Vlas said
    brazilian_ttEventually a time will come when you can remember the good times you had and smile. I'm lucky I've only lost one person close to me in life thus far. I always do things that remind me of her. Listen to music she liked, remember funny moments, share stories about her with other people who also knew her...



    I hope so. I've been listening to his favorite songs all day. They make me cry, but are also a way for me to be with him in some small way.

    I get strange thoughts, I guess because death is strange. It was such a warm and beautiful day, and I felt guilty that I was alive to enjoy it when he was not. Sometimes I think about dying to be with him, even if it is just to be dust.

    What helps a bit is rebirth. Not in the literal sense, but I like to think that my love of his sincerity, kindness, and integrity will be reborn in me to help me become more of those things.

    I wish I told him how much I cared about him.



    I'm sorry you're going through this man. It sucks, I know. Cry all you need. It's part of the process and it just shows how much he meant to you. You never get over losing someone you love, but eventually the pain will become small and manageable.

    As you said, we all learn things from each other that we will continue to carry with us even when the other person is gone.

    I know everyone always says you should tell someone what they mean to you before it's too late... but it doesn't matter if you never expressed it in words. If you guys were close, he knew.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 20, 2012 8:11 AM GMT
    Death is a part of life.
    My good friend died of cancer.
    I held in my emotions throughout hospital visits, home visits, etc, until the end of the memorial service.
    Then, I cried my eyes out.
    Then, I moved on.

    Everybody's mourning is for a different length of time.
    Just go with your feelings.
    Time will leave you with less and less sadness, and more and more happy memories.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
    Hugs.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Apr 20, 2012 9:03 PM GMT
    I've experienced the untimely deaths, by accident, of 5 people who were very close to me over the years. There is no quick fix dude. Time heals the pain a little, but even now I still feel the stings from time to time. Sorry to hear about your loss man.
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    Apr 20, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry. Hugs.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 20, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your friend's death. I wish I knew the name of the poem I read in a high school honors English class about the 'presence of absence' after someone dies --- it would do a better job of contextualizing what I'd like to say. The absence is intangible, but you feel submerged in it once you realize someone is gone and isn't coming back.
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    Apr 20, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    Your own beliefs about death are a very personal thing that you shouldn't impose on others. The best anyone can do is to listen and shut up.
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    Apr 20, 2012 9:32 PM GMT
    Very sorry to hear of your friend's passing. 32 is way too young. This movie deals with the death of a guy about your friend's age, and the impact on two of his friend's.

    http://www.amazon.com/Ciao-Adam-Neal-Smith/dp/B00316DDZY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1334957336&sr=8-4
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    Apr 20, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Alpha1 saidSorry to hear about your friend's death. I wish I knew the name of the poem I read in a high school honors English class about the 'presence of absence' after someone dies --- it would do a better job of contextualizing what I'd like to say. The absence is intangible, but you feel submerged in it once you realize someone is gone and isn't coming back.


    That's a really good thought and very much how it feels though I think immersed would be a better word than submerged, especially if it was a drowning.

    For the OP, the earlier they die, the longer you live without them such that life naturally wears you down over time, especially since the more people you love, the more you will bury along the way. Fools think that life is about accumulating. But life is about sharing and letting go. You learned to share yourself with your friend and now this is your difficult lesson in letting go.

    Peace
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    Apr 20, 2012 10:39 PM GMT
    I am so sorry for your loss. You have my condolences and prayers
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    firstworldcat.png
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:37 PM GMT
    As much as I can relate to your pain; I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now. I hope you find your peace and are able to move on from your loss.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 20, 2012 11:48 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    Alpha1 saidSorry to hear about your friend's death. I wish I knew the name of the poem I read in a high school honors English class about the 'presence of absence' after someone dies --- it would do a better job of contextualizing what I'd like to say. The absence is intangible, but you feel submerged in it once you realize someone is gone and isn't coming back.


    That's a really good thought and very much how it feels though I think immersed would be a better word than submerged, especially if it was a drowning.

    For the OP, the earlier they die, the longer you live without them such that life naturally wears you down over time, especially since the more people you love, the more you will bury along the way. Fools think that life is about accumulating. But life is about sharing and letting go. You learned to share yourself with your friend and now this is your difficult lesson in letting go.

    Peace


    I agree --- "immersion" would have been better, but I intentionally used "submerged." The poem was a long metaphor for water.

    Essentially, you can feel water, and you know you are in it and surrounded by it, but when your reach out to grab it and hold it, you can't. You know its there, but you have a hard time grasping it, and grief and a sense of loss are equated as being the same. You try to own and possess your sense of loss, but like water, when you try to, it slips through your fingers.
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:52 PM GMT
    Alpha1 said...Essentially, you can feel water, and you know you are in it and surrounded by it, but when your reach out to grab it and hold it, you can't. You know its there, but you have a hard time grasping it, and grief and a sense of loss are equated as being the same. You try to own and possess your sense of loss, but like water, when you try to, it slips through your fingers.


    Thanx. Got it. That's lovely imagery. And you expressed it well.
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:57 PM GMT
    I'm sorry for your loss, Vlas. *Hug*
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    Apr 21, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for your loss I understand it all to well, and it, and they are always with me.

    I am old enough not only to lived though the Gay Plague Era, of the 1980s, were many of my mates never got to see 30, or the 1990s. Some made it to the 1990s. But by 1988, many were gone, dead from AIDS.

    I was blessed to be loved by two men for 11 years, and was was taken away from me in a terrorist act in Russia; our love was until death do us part. he is still with me everyday, and many of my friends from the 1980s have never left me either.

    But I will never know the loss via death of family.