Hoping I made the right decision.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 20, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    So my boyfriend and I decided to take a break for a month. As I'm writing this I just got over my latest crying jag about the whole thing. I went over his place last night to talk. I did most of the talking and he did most of the listening. Basically what it comes down to is that we have different emotional needs in the relationship and this has created an incompatibility issue. On top of this, he is struggling with depression (although he doesn't admit it) and has not done anything about it. This week he's been in one of his moods where he didn't call and could only contact me by IM here and there. This behavior has happened before but this week was the worse it's been yet. I had finally decided that I couldn't take things anymore and I made up my mind that I wanted to break up. We've been together for a year and a half. It hasn't been all bad though; and I think that's what breaks my heart the most.

    A little while ago I got to thinking about us and the good times that we've had. Him holding me like no other guy ever held me, his arms around me, loving me. icon_sad.gif He could be so wonderful and loving when he wanted to be. I know I may be looking back with rose-colored glasses. Everyone who I've spoken to (my therapist, my siblings, my boyfriend's best friend) has all agreed that I've done everything possible to keep the relationship going and that the problem is NOT me. While I realize this, that doesn't stop the thoughts of the good times we've had from coming into my mind.

    It tears me apart to think that we may never be in each others' arms again, holding each other. It tears me apart to think that I may never again hold his hand, or hear him tell me that he loves me. It's tough. And I feel like it's my fault even though I've been told it's not. icon_neutral.gif Deep down I feel like I have to focus on myself for once. But it's easier said than done.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 20, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    i am sure you do not want to hear this but maybe you should move on with your life. while you are doing this maybe this will make him realize he does need to change. if not, than at least you would have move on and it would not have been a waste.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Apr 20, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    Hey, sorry you're going through that. I've been in your shoes and it's really rough to love someone so deeply who is not capable of meeting your emotional needs.

    The worst thing you can do is to "own" this--it just pushes you needlessly further into the emotional hole you're already in. Tell yourself this: "I am looking out for my own well-being, even though this hurts right now."

    Life is too short to be dragged down by an incomplete relationship. Even though it sounds like there is love and true affection there, it's got to be a two-way street in order to be healthy. He may recognize this and change his behavior--and he might not. Best to just focus on YOU.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    Give it that month, and then see where you are. Don't sit around tapping your toe all month, though. Make your "break" productive and focus on you, and allow him to focus exclusively on himself. Get out and find creative ways to share your heart with others (volunteering, planting or repairing something, artwork, etc.) Also, by month's end, you will want to be able to articulate your emotional needs and desires more clearly for whoever your next beau may be, whether it's him or someone else.

    On the good side, breakups happen all the time, and not many are blessed with the mindset to reflect on all those "good times," instead obscuring all those memories with whatever it was that broke them up in the first place. Be happy you're not one of those people. Even if you both move on, you will still be able to see each other on a platonic scale in the future.

    If you lovebirds do try to get back together a month from now, try investing time in joint therapy: if not your current therapist, someone who specializes in relationships.
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    Apr 20, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    'Breaking up is hard to do'....hang in there. Surround yourself with people that love and care for you and you'll slowly gain the strength to either work it out or move on. No one said life was going to be easy icon_sad.gif
  • grnranger99

    Posts: 225

    Apr 20, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    If it helps, be grateful that you have experienced that kind of love with someone else. Many people never get to.
    I never did until my late 30's and it really did change my life for the better.
    I know that no matter what happens I will always know that feeling of being loved.
    So.... now go out and share that with some one else
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear your news.

    There is, however, only so much you can do for people. If your bf is suffering from depression and you've mentioned it and he doesn't want to seek help in any form you can't beat yourself up over it.

    I really hope it works out for you both!
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:45 PM GMT
    Listen to NC3Athlete - he is a wise man.
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    Apr 20, 2012 11:57 PM GMT
    go get a facial at a spa.

  • Apr 21, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    Just remember that one can encounter multiple soulmates in different size and shape. There can be great love, and no one says it can only happen once in a lifetime.

    If this relationship does not work out, another potential soulmate may arrive later. When that happens, try to dive in and fall in love with full intensity, don't be afraid to get hurt, repeat and rinse till you find one of the Ones.
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    Apr 21, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    I kinda know what you are going through, and sorry to say, but it didn't turn out for the best. It may seem hard now, but letting this relationship last any longer will only make it harder in the long run. He has some demons he needs to work out and if he can't solve them with you then maybe he needs to strike out on his own. It's not fair for you to wait for him to get better to save this relationship. The song by Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" comes to mind...icon_neutral.gif
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    Apr 21, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    NC3athlete saidHey, sorry you're going through that. I've been in your shoes and it's really rough to love someone so deeply who is not capable of meeting your emotional needs.

    The worst thing you can do is to "own" this--it just pushes you needlessly further into the emotional hole you're already in. Tell yourself this: "I am looking out for my own well-being, even though this hurts right now."

    Life is too short to be dragged down by an incomplete relationship. Even though it sounds like there is love and true affection there, it's got to be a two-way street in order to be healthy. He may recognize this and change his behavior--and he might not. Best to just focus on YOU.


    Well said.
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    Apr 21, 2012 12:54 AM GMT


    Sometimes taking a break for true love is necessary, however if it's there let it flourish... If you guys truly care for one another and truly have love then the relationship will see itself through, but if you two can't see eye to eye then it may have to end... If that happens then maybe the two of you will realize how much you will mean to one another and could work again. But moving for your sake is what you need.
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    Apr 21, 2012 4:15 AM GMT
    Thank you guys so much for all of your support. It really means a lot to me. Your advice and words of encouragement have helped me feel better about things.

    Today, obviously, has been difficult because my mind has been wearily grappling with the idea that my boyfriend and I are officially taking a break. It doesn't feel right. But there were very specific things that my boyfriend did that led me to make my decision to take a break. GOOD REASONS to take a break.

    However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency.

    I have to remember that there were REASONS for us to take a break. Although I might be unhappy now, I was unhappy before too. *takes a deep breath*
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    Apr 21, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    me11 said, "However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency."

    Then go by that mutual decision and try feel good doing so because you after all decided together.

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Apr 21, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    me11 saidThank you guys so much for all of your support. It really means a lot to me. Your advice and words of encouragement have helped me feel better about things.

    Today, obviously, has been difficult because my mind has been wearily grappling with the idea that my boyfriend and I are officially taking a break. It doesn't feel right. But there were very specific things that my boyfriend did that led me to make my decision to take a break. GOOD REASONS to take a break.

    However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency.

    I have to remember that there were REASONS for us to take a break. Although I might be unhappy now, I was unhappy before too. *takes a deep breath*
    Well you can call or text ME!icon_wink.gif

    (maybe I have a chance!)icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Apr 21, 2012 12:30 PM GMT
    me11 saidThank you guys so much for all of your support. It really means a lot to me. Your advice and words of encouragement have helped me feel better about things.

    Today, obviously, has been difficult because my mind has been wearily grappling with the idea that my boyfriend and I are officially taking a break. It doesn't feel right. But there were very specific things that my boyfriend did that led me to make my decision to take a break. GOOD REASONS to take a break.

    However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency.

    I have to remember that there were REASONS for us to take a break. Although I might be unhappy now, I was unhappy before too. *takes a deep breath*


    I know the impulse you're describing, and it's hard to resist. I know you mean well by wanting to reach out to him. But here's the thing: YOU are the one who needs to be reached out to by HIM. Isn't that why you were unhappy--because he has not been able to step up to the plate to meet you half-way where emotion and intimacy are concerned? I think he has had plenty of opportunities to know that you love him and miss him; telling him again might just result in more disappointment for you if he's 1) not able to receive that message and accept it in his heart (people with low self-esteem or depression can be told a hundred million times that they are loved, and it still doesn't register); or 2) not able to respond to your well-meant message of love in an equal fashion.

    I know it's rough. But right now it's ok to be a bit selfish.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    me11 saidThank you guys so much for all of your support. It really means a lot to me. Your advice and words of encouragement have helped me feel better about things.

    Today, obviously, has been difficult because my mind has been wearily grappling with the idea that my boyfriend and I are officially taking a break. It doesn't feel right. But there were very specific things that my boyfriend did that led me to make my decision to take a break. GOOD REASONS to take a break.

    However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency.

    I have to remember that there were REASONS for us to take a break. Although I might be unhappy now, I was unhappy before too. *takes a deep breath*


    I wouldn't contact him till he is ready. He is the one who needs a break, so he should also be the person to end it. Take this from my experience, texting or calling him constantly won't change his mind. And by that point, if he continues to treat you like a stranger, is he really worth having around?
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    Apr 21, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    me11 saidThank you guys so much for all of your support. It really means a lot to me. Your advice and words of encouragement have helped me feel better about things.

    Today, obviously, has been difficult because my mind has been wearily grappling with the idea that my boyfriend and I are officially taking a break. It doesn't feel right. But there were very specific things that my boyfriend did that led me to make my decision to take a break. GOOD REASONS to take a break.

    However I am so tempted to call or text him to tell him that I already miss him, that I love him so much, that he means the world to me, that this is a mistake. But we decided on a month. We did agree to check in with each other now and then in the meantime but didn't specify a frequency.

    I have to remember that there were REASONS for us to take a break. Although I might be unhappy now, I was unhappy before too. *takes a deep breath*
    Well you can call or text ME!icon_wink.gif

    (maybe I have a chance!)icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    SCAMP!!!